You're never gonna believe what happened...
 

(or maybe you saw it coming a mile away)

I've been talking about the fact that some challenges have been arising and I have been utilizing them as opportunities for growth. The truth is, the source all of the difficulties has been one lover in particular, and what they've really turned out to be are red flags. Ironically, she is the established, experienced polyamorist of the group. When we first starting seeing each other, I did not take her entirely seriously when she told me she was a jealous and possessive person (how could she be and successfully maintain multiple relationships?). I laughed and said, "well, being poly must give you a lot of opportunities to work on that". Turned out not to be amusing and now it is my fault for not listening. She also has a very structured and rigid approach to relationships. There are rules and you follow them. Any bad feelings that occur as a result don't matter or count as long as the rules were technically followed, and I saw this mostly in her relationship with her primary partner who was freaking out since before I entered the picture and really lost it once my lover started to display intense feelings for me. They were not ok, and it did not feel ethical for me to move full steam ahead into something that was already a wreck. And I felt tremendous compassion for the primary.

There were more issues as well, and perhaps I will come back to explore them because they are mostly the very issues that turned me off to poly in my youth. I don't think all is lost, but I think I chose the wrong person, who displayed many of the traits and isms of my former unhealthy choices. We have stopped seeing each other.

Meanwhile, I've been courted by another who, like me, was exploring relationship dynamics with intention and openness. I am certain she is the most remarkable person I have ever met - the moon and the stars live in her eyes and I have never felt so humbled and aflame to be seen and recognized by such beauty. We are ridiculously in love. Hearts and flowers, rainbows and unicorns, no holds barred. I kid you not. We are so absorbed in each other that there is no room or desire for any other lovers and we have agreed to be exclusive at least for the time being. And we are open to revisiting the possibility of nonmonogamy at some point down the line. But for now, we are content in each other's arms.

And just like that, this chapter of Ms. Meander's adventures in polyamory has come to a close.

I feel like I have learned much and I am blissfully happy. Please excuse me while I savor this delicious state. :) :bunchflowers:

So here I am. I'm reluctant to write in here because I'm somewhat naive when it comes to the subject but I'm going to give it a go.

What's my story in all of this? That's a good question actually...I keep asking myself the same thing. I've always been open minded when it comes to people and their preferences. I've learned a lot along the way because of this, about myself and about others.

Like others have said, I've toyed with the idea of being poly for years, even went out with a poly woman once upon a time until her Butch told her she could not longer date me. She would not tell me why.

Which brings me to this new chapter in my life. I am currently dating/getting to know a femme who is poly. I went into this knowing that she was poly and that I would not ever be her primary relationship. She knows that I don't have any experience with this type of dynamic but that I am open to exploring this with her. I am not sure if this will ultimately be good for me or not but I won't know unless I try.

What I can say is that we really get along and I can also say that I have not felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. We communicate daily about the good and the things that I am unsure about, those things that are new to me.

I do have my concerns for myself in all of this with regards to finding a primary relationship. I have always been the what if kind of guy... what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.

I do know that while having this relationship with her is wonderful, it will not be enough for me.

This may be a question that can't be answered but regardless my question for all of you is how do you find that other person who is poly??

At times in my life when I've been doin' the poly thang, I would go to local LGBT poly meet-ups. Now I don't know if they have those everywhere or if it's only those weird New Yawkers but it was a nice way to hang out with likeminded people with various connections, etc.

Exploring.
 

Hi SleepyButch, hope you are sleeping well :)

Many times alternate life styles have their own language, definitions and boundaries within the "open" realm of variety being the spice of life.I love the Unique, mysterious, fluid dynamics of life, and those that can reach out and experience things that bring joy and happiness, even if for just a moment, a night and day, or more.

I pulled out the "what if I can't find another femme who is poly, or open to my continuing to see this other person? I am not sure I'd want to give her up for someone else.
and
how do you find that other person who is poly? " from your post.

Poly sometimes may be confused with multiples. I was wondering if your question is ~ will 2 poly femmes equal a more fulfilling relationship, when and if one of them is not present. Am I wingwalking, needing to hold onto one, while I have another for ~just in case?
Does your poly/femme "other/s" know about you, have they met you and have accepted you? Having your heart on your sleeve my result in a crinkled cuff. You said "give her up" , but, me thinks she has a primary, so you have no possession.

My comment for now, like nycfembbw mentioned, like anything new, searching the internet for what you are experiencing as far as acceptance, understanding, jealousy, insecurity, and the myriad of things under any "kinky" label can be heaven or hell...

And, as They say, it's only kinky the first time. Good Luck SleepyButch, jump in, the water's fine, as long as we can swim. :):hangloose:

Thanks Tommi.

Her others know about me and are supportive of her seeing me.

When I say give her up, I mean in a sense of not seeing her anymore in exchange for dating someone who is monogamous. I do not own her nor will I ever try to own her. It's not that type of relationship.

As far as having two poly femmes equalling a more fulfilling relationship, I don't think that is the case. I would take them as being totally separate relationship. It's not that I want someone to spend time with while she is busy. That would not work for anyone involved. I am a loving, nurturing person by nature and have a lot of that to give and want to give it. I can share that with her but there are limitations/boundaries in that.

I'll have to think more on how to explain that before I write something that might be taken out of context. Like I said, this is all new to me.

I know what you're saying. It goes back and forth in my head and I have been in D/s poly relationships. Today I would consider it but the reality is that once I fall in love it most likely will be totally and completely. Poly would not be an option. But until that comes I can love people, share, have a great time and who knows it may go on forever, however something inside of me stirs and I know that I am yet to meet my one great love. I just feel it and I know when I do I won't see anything else.

Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.

*Raises hand* Yup, I'm in that responsible non-monogamy category.

My primary partner and I started out with an open relationship, neither of us believing one person can (or should) completely fulfill the other.

FTR, we've been together over 25 years. The way we make it work is by communicating... a lot. By being honest about our desires, by deciding together what can be fulfilled outside and by respecting each others boundaries. We also have agreements we can both live with. Those agreements have changed over time, but then again, so have we.

There are things she wants that I'm piss-poor at, why shouldn't she get that fulfilled in a meaningful way instead of the grudgingly half-assed way I'd probably handle it. And vice-versa, I have needs/wants that she's not into.

I lean toward having an other-significant-other who fulfills a good portion (or all) of BDSM needs/desires; While that OSO relationship is based in BDSM (play and sex) it is romantic as well.

BTW, I use other-significant-other because I dislike the term 'secondary'.

There are also a few play partners in my life. They're friends first, with the occasional foray into SM. Almost all of my play partners have a primary relationship as well. These relationships work because we're friends and look out for one another.

To me successful means we're able to and want to be friends even if the romantic/sexual/etc. relationship has ended. That being said, I've been pretty lucky, there's only one where I'd rather not be friends with.

On the not so successful side, well, it's like any relationship, sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one person (or both) violates agreements, sometimes things just don't work out.

I've been very vocal about my poly status since 2011. My best friend and I dated exclusively for just short of a year and when we split, we still kept most of the aspects of our relationship, it just transitioned naturally into a partnership that was more open. Now he's starting to embrace seeing other people and credits me with a lot of his understanding. He's really the only man I could see myself dating.

Challenges seem to be of the nature in poly relationships...but I tend to meet challenges head on.and with a smile. I hope to eventually meet a couple or become part of a permanent triad...It's not just about the sex but about the family dynamic...I am only just now understanding this need. I have been in the poly life style in some way 6 years but keep hitting walls with people who are inexperienced in dealing with the issues that arise (immaturity) or find partners who pick mates who have jealousy issues, or just don't like sharing...I really hate getting attached and having my heart broken...twice

I am still growing, developing, evolving when it comes how I practice poly. I see this as a good thing since stagnation only leads to toxicity...in my opinion.

I've been poly since I got married...well, I guess you could say I've always been poly but didn't actually attempt to have multiple relationships until I was married. My hubs has had multiple relationships off and on since he realized "Oh that's a girl and I like them." He used to be a whore and now he claims the title heteroflexible ethical slut and we're happy with his choice.

He encouraged me to try out poly when we married because he knew I was bi and knew I had never actually had any sort of intimate relationship with another woman.
Out first choice was bad...very bad. She was the first of many to inform me I was "sexually unattractive" after 3-6 months of a sexual relationship and follow it up with a request to only date my husband (to his credit, he told them no).

We decided to date separately for the most part now in order to avoid any attempt another woman might have in thinking they can play around with me in order to get to him.

Lately my challenges are in being open to trusting my own gut instincts, working out schedules, and dealing with the community at large.

This last part is mostly in not responding to all the irritating nonsense I hear or read. Today was a prime example: I have read from one person online that Poly people should not get married and those that are shouldn't really ever be trusted because they are committing adultery and breaking vows to forsake all others. -insert row of expletives here-
This was right after a discussion on a forum about Poly break ups and agreeing that telling me, after my long term girlfriend leaves, that I should be ok because I have another partner is like telling a parent who loses their child that they should be ok because they have others.

Anyways...that was a longer post than I meant to open with on here.

Nice post D Phryxus.

People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

I think that is the major difficulty/goal/fun of poly is finding those people ^_^

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

Thoughts?

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.

Great Article !!!
 

The Information in the article was great ... I find though that many of the rules or "guidelines", if applied to everyday life makes for happier
interpersonal relationships all the way around . *S*

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.




So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.