lmao
 

youngest child....
we are not Israeli, everything you eat is sone kind of soup or stew in a
Mason jar...

mom....
curried lentils are Indian not Israeli

youngest child....
MOM I JUST NEED MEAT I DON'T CARE IF ITS ORGANIC I JUST NEED MEAT

me...
laying over the kitchen sink laughing my ass off and loving every minute of it...

later in the convo....

mom...
don't scratch your back on the wall you look like a rhino

oldest child...
then you scratch it for me right there there there there...

me...
still laughing my ass off at the 3 of them....:jester::jester:

As we're getting ready to go to the movie tonight.

Zimmeh: I can take my Vera Bradley purse/bag so we can put snacks in it.

Me: yeahhh I want candy.

Me: we should get subway sandwiches and put them in there.

LOL

Me: I can see us snacking on subway in the theatre. haha!

Zimmeh: They would know if you had onions in it. They would smell it.

Me: what.. lol. They would not know!

I want to see someone do it!

:p

Heard at the market

"I keep telling my husband he should have just done it right the first time and brought me home the biggest one he could get"

heard while in uhaul
 

After picking up the uhaul for our move to the new place this is what transpired tween ms cinn and myself

ms cinn: where is the rear view mirror? Why isnt there a rear view mirror?

me: :l

ms cinn: turns and look out the back window Oh never mind :detective:

me; laughing hysterically

Up extra early today and my sister who had stayed out very late the night before comes in and asks if I can help her hide the dark circles under her eyes.

Sis: Wow I can't even see my bags anymore that is amazing I can't even see them anymore how do you do that

Me: It's an optical illusion trust me

Sis: Oh so it is kind of like tea bagging in the porn flicks

Me: (EYES WIDE WTF LOOK) ....had to walk away

at my second home, work with my second family.. lol

I took over dispatch and just as I did we get an alarm for a code 29 - fire alarm. Our officers are in the middle of shift change and are barely getting their radios and keys. Me and my mentor take over and start pushing buttons to acknowledge the alarm and start the emergency channel dispatch. As I'm trying to contact our officers to see where they are and dispatch someone to our fire command, I call for one whose call number is five zero and we call him five o. lol Later I find out he didn't grab a radio in time and he just tagged along with another officer to get to the scene asap as we only have 3 mins to respond or alarms, sirens, flashes go off for evacuation and the fire department is dispatched. So later after unsuccesfully being able to reach him by radio I say, "damn, five o is always the last to respond." We all laughed good. haha!

You. Are NOT. A. NICE man.

Just sayin'.

lmao
 

friend melissa...
Jace theres little hairs in the bathroom sink

me...
because i got a haircut today i need to get a shower

she...
you're tall as a tree how did you get a shower in the sink

me....
i ran my hands thru it i need a shower
she looks at me and has that what do you mean look...sigh lol love the bestie

word
 

oldest child....
i made a delicious smoothie this morning

my sweetie ....
yeah it was diabetes in a blender.....

wth....

lol

Me: Ooo! I wonder if they make cheetoh-flavored (vaping) juice!

Scorp: Here, I'll just let you suck on my toes.

:|

wth
 

my sweetie to the youngest childs gf...
is that a vagina on your shirt??

GF...
no its a ded deer i got the at dollar general for 8 bucks for our 23 month anniversary

my sweetie....
hey we should go to cheesecake factory or pf changs

really??

and these are the days of our lives lol

love my girls!!!!!

I tried to tickle my 14 years old son's knee, and he said to me, "Mom, I am impervious to that." I was like who the hell, wait! When the hell did you learn that word: impervious?!

I swear I was standing quietly in my own cubical ....
 

one coworker to the younger one after the younger one asked for 3 favors in a row..

younger one : "Can I ride with you? "
coworker who had already admitted to major PMS: "YOU'RE HANGING OFF MY LEFT TIT!!"

me: :| :| :| ... ROFLMAO!!! that did not just come from YOUR mouth! who are you?

I just heard this comversation between my nephews outside through the window

Youngest "why do you think mom wants us to stay out of her room? Did she buy us gifts?"

Oldest "No, I think she got dad a gift that he gets to unwrap secretly"

Youngest "NO FAIR! I want to be the one to unwrap moms present! Do you think we'll ever get to use it?"

Oldest "let's wait a few months to find out"


Meanwhile I am sitting here spitting out my tea and trying not to crack up.

While we were at the movies yesterday, the landlord called to say our BIG cat, Bud, had gotten out! He hadn't been outside at the new place yet so we hurried home....

Landlord: He's been hanging out on the deck, he's fine.

Teddy and I call him to the door.

Teddy: Get your fat ass in that house!

Me: Don't talk to me like that!

oh we do have fun.....

:sunglass:

Hollylane's romance
 

I had finished my studio and was putting a tarp on the floor and plastic sheeting up on the walls getting ready to paint (I am a messy abstract painter).

Girlfriend: What are you doing? What are you planning to do in here?

Me: Have you ever seen Dexter?

Girlfriend: You're kidding right? (With worried look)

Me: Piss me off and find out.

Then I laughed at her and told her it was just to protect the hardwood and paint form my mess.

She seemed very relieved... but she won't go in the studio now.

I think my plan worked.

Me ...Stop sniffing me

Ex....I can't help it

Me..... FFS I am not a scratch and sniff sticker go sniff some markers

"Baby, we really need to stop coming together"

followed by:

"Well, at least we didn't do as much damage this time"

I'm never going to stand in that checkout line with hym again...especially if the same cashier is there.

" Baby.... want to come out and smoke with me"
" I think it's already smokin Love!"

at work again..
 

Telling people to get out of pool and hot tub because of weather conditions (thundering, lightening, not to mention it's raining lightly at the time) and we have had tornado warnings around the area all evening and still under a tornado watch for another hour.

A man as he's in the hot tub: "Well I thought being low to the ground was the safest place to be."

Me: "Not if you're in that water and lightening strikes it." :|

I walk away and damn patio furniture starts flying striking me as I'm trying to dodge it. I run back to bar area inside and call to dispatch that the guests have been advised and we have furniture flying. I go back outside and it's pouring rain with strong wind gusts everyone is running. I run to the gate and stand there getting drenched making sure all these idiots get inside safely.

Get inside and I notice the wet sign has fallen so I pick it up, cutting my finger in the process and my glasses are covered in rain drops. The guests say, "You're lucky. You came just in time. You should play the lotto!"

Me: "I wish I could win the lotto!" :|
*thinking later* I don't get paid enough for this shit and I'll never jeopardize my life again like that if they're gonna choose to be out in these weather conditions. Of course, its just a thought. It's my job!!

Me: Honey?
Calling for my husband from up the stairs.
My step daughter: I'm not your honey!

Camping buddy...I don't think I've ever seen one this hard!

Me..........:sunglass: :shocking:

Riding roller coasters today..... " My ass came out of the seat and my boobs out of my bra!"

^^^^^^^^^
 

followed by choking gasping laughter,

then,

I think I've got them back in, do they look ok?

(overheard at the park, while in line for a coaster)

Woman: Are they taking pictures on this one?

Man: Yes, see up there? Those are the camera flashes.

Woman: Hey!!! Anyone got a mirror? That last picture of me on the Volcano was awful--my hair was a wreck. That S**t ain't happening twice in one day

Today....... " I've got it all lined up, just push it in" :|

This thread is hilarious! *subscribing*

Keep the posts coming!

:goodscore:

geez o pete
 

The crack of dawn this morning im not even fully awake yet

My wife : Daddy , friday we are taking chandras boys bowling and to the arcade and to the pizza place bc its their six year old birthday . Then on sat we are driving to king of prussia mall and you are taking me shopping all day bc Ive been so good , Then we are coming home sat night and doing indian food with jen and Jonathan. Then sunday , we are going to go hiking with paul and Raquel all day, Then when we come home , Raquel and I are fixing you and paul a nice dinner , Then to a movie sunday night with them , and monday we are going to the gym after work and working out Then to the park and walk , Then tuesday we will have to think of something to get into with tara and Lauren , Then Wednesday we are going to meet Laura and her partner to dinner somewhere , Then the next weekened we will go to jersey and see mom and nicole .

Me: dang baby, you didnt even pause after you said all that.

My wife : did you hear everything i said though all our plans ?

Me : um yes babe , so i should go to the bank shortly to take out alot of money bc i heard the words mall and shopping

My wife : ummmm yes Daddy exactly

My aunt talking about a dress for church

Aunt: "Slit or no slit?"

Me: "I don't like the slit."

Aunt: " :blink: "

Me: "Uh.. shit. I'm about to go to church. SHUSH!"

Aunt: " :blink: No slit huh? :sunglass: "

Me: "Lord forgive me for I am sin... :grindevil: "

"I think I'll just pull it out now.
Then I can bring it outside and bang it"



:blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink:: blink::blink::blink::blink:
re: the air conditioning filter

*nudge* *nudge*

Here's hoping somebody's got some more stories for me ... :D

camping buddy to passengers as we're headed back to camp..."ya'all sucked all the juice outa my slushy! !"

a Facebook exchange with my 19 yr old son:

son: drugs are not the answer, mother.. (he's commenting on a Marilyn Monroe quote picture thingy)

me: now who's the fun-sucker, son?! ;) (he called me a fun-sucker once when he was little lol)

son: And the tables turn. Soon I'll be changing your diapers you old fart ;)

*blink* LMHO!!