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I hope everyone is doing well here. Remember it is hump day! :bluesbrothers: :rockband: |
Thanks and same to you as well Andrew, and everyone here on this thread.
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I just got pushed over my limit today !!!
My stress level and anxiety crap has just been pushed over my limit. And I can feel my depression sinking my ass. I gotta go get some antianxiety meds again dammit. I am so sick of dealing with this shit its NOT EVEN FUNNY.
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So sorry about all the anxiety, I totally understand that! I am so thankful for anti anxiety medicine. I call them my fruities :).
I have good days and I have fruitie days. Know that things will get better and also know that there is no shame in taking medicine. It keeps us going when we just can't otherwise...no shame in that :) I hope you day gets way better! Hugs! Hi Andrew!!!!!! |
I take medicine for anxiety. There is no shame in that. It helps me tremendously. It is like insulin for a diabetic. Who would deny that to a diabetic? Nobody. So why deny anxiety medicine to someone who is suffering? I call it common sense. If it helps, do it. Nobody online or in real time can walk in my shoes. It is what I think of as taking care of myself. :boxers: |
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There is so much stigma around mental illness! Thank you for sharing! I think it is important that those of us who are proud of how far we have come with the help of medicines need to speak out. :givingarose: |
I just picked up meds today.
My doc was really angry. I neglected 2 meds for months. She told me I could get another doc if I wasn't "going to behave." RX is important, i'll affirm to stay on course. of course. |
The stigma around mental illness is shamefull. I just don't get it. I mentioned the psa's that Glenn Close did with her sister, and you would have been shocked at the emails I got. You would have thought I was going mad for even mentioning it. People disappointment me each and every day. The name of the psa's Glenn Close and her family endorse is called BringChange2Mind.Org. Ron Howard directed them. Psych Week starts on Discovery Health on Sunday, May 2nd. |
Jet, sorry your doc was angry, but glad you are back on track. :)
Andrew, I have not seen them, will check them out. :) Now a question, do any of you ever have moments when talking to a friend who is crossing your boundaries where you flash back into an earlier time of trauma. Where you get a sort of "this is familiar" rush of anger and pain at the same time? Where you want to be there for this person, but you KNOW what they are saying is not the entire truth and that though their motives are likely not bad, they are trying to manipulate you into being on their side? The tone of voice, the words....I have heard them all before....from someone who is dead. The catch in the voice, the tears, the anger. The burning of my own mind as I wonder how somehow the words "I need a break for my own mental health" are somehow not enough. Anyone had this happen? How did you handle it? I have therapy this afternoon. Just I wondered is this something that happens to all of us? Are we more susseptible to manipulators? |
Yes, I have had that happen. It is strange. The only time it happens is when I am trying to hold a decent conversation with my abuser (my bio-father). He's nuts. He just only knows how to be nasty, and I ignore him. It makes him angry, and then he tries to overpower me with his ignorance. And that triggers it for me. And that is when I walk away. I limit my time and my effort being with and around my bio-parents. It is a matter of survival for me. However, there are times when I have to be in the same room with them. It can't be avoided. So, I take someone with me for protection. It is a matter of life and death literally. My father can push me over the edge to suicide in a heartbeat, and he knows it. He uses that against me repeatedly. I also cannot handle it when someone questions my neurological disorders. If I am this or that. UGH! I would love to have them meet me and live with me. Then see how hard life is. This just sends me over the edge into the land of pissy moodness, which I hate. Recently, I am not sure if anyone picked up on this or not, but I received a negative finding on my mammogram/sonogram. I have to have a workup for breast cancer since both my mother and grandmother had/have the disease. It also doesn't help matters that I had cervical cancer. In filling out endless paperwork I called my bio-mother for her information concerning her breast cancer. She refused to give it to me. She told me that only her husband knows what it is. So the game begins. She refuses to call her oncologist for anything. All I can say about this is that this is just a great example of what it was to grow up in my home. Everything is about my parents, and their selfish needs, wants, and desires. They never should have had children. Never. Andrew |
Hi everyone,
just to let you know, something very difficult is coming up—this will happen fairly soon I think. I'm going to mel's to help her garden her backyard. Plans could change because of weather or any reason. Both Wal-mart's are out of 2 of my RX to get me through this, but the one near Mel's says they'll get it in and have it in sometime after three tommorrow. This is going to require some real grounding—meds, not isolating, and understanding the nature of this, and God's help. This is a nightmare, folks. Trust me. I can feel my insides starting to cave, as it did that night, but that will pass. These are old feelings. And if anything would become serious or unmanagable, mel would haul me into the hospital. I don't think that will happen because I've faced so much of this now, and I can anticipate and take medicine as needed. I'm posting about my experiences of facing my trauma as a matter of record to those of us who suffer from PTSD, but also to let you know that i may or may not be around to post much—i just don't know yet. Anyway, everyone take care. j |
Parker, Can't your doctor give you another drug that will give you some relief? Maybe not a brand name drug, but a generic of the drug you are taking? |
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I don't have a choice because mel lives in a different town outside of atlanta—I told her I would help her. She's coming to get me, and i'm trying to make this easy for her—so, i'll pick them up near her house..my RX is in the nationwide pharmacy, so i can get them filled there. |
Parker, I am saying prayers for you. I hope that all will be well for you. Andrew |
Andrew and Jet,
I am so sorry you are facing these bumps in the road. I know for me a bump is sometimes all it takes to send me to the depths of hell. Try to do things that calm you and reward yourself for each thng you get through! I will be thinking about both of you and sending you healing light. |
BTW, my thanks to everyone who prays and supports me in this thread. I'm traveling through something very difficult.
As most of you know I am a catholic, (not a good one, mind you...but Catholic just the same.) IF and when I am included in your prayers (if you wouldn't mind) I would ask you to add to your prayers to GOD, the help of these three saints: St. Ignatius St. Benedict St. Anthony of Padua There are reasons, and you don't have to be catholic to ask for their help. Just know, they have something that I need. Thanks everyone, I 'll be in touch, j |
UGHHHHHHHH
I just got back from the mental health clinic in a nearby small town. I can't get in to see the shrink for my anti anxiety meds for about 4 to 6 weeks. I don't live in a large town and can't afford to go far on my income due to some other issues also I am paying for that has cut my throat with my disability funds. So I have to wait until I can get in to see the shrink to see if they will put me back on my ativan cause that's the ONLY drug that helps my anxiety. I thought the woman in the intake interview was gonna call an ambulance by the look on her face when she was talking to me, then she said, Jesus, "Your really stressed out and anxious that's apparent to me I can see it and hear it in your voice and body language."..... I was thinking....DUH !!!!! That's why I am here. Well, I guess I"ll be alright til I can get in, otherwise I don't know what else to do. No doc around here will prescribe me what works cause it's a controlled substance. UGH.
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I know this is not a big help, but Benadryl has mild antianxiety properties. 4 to 6 weeks is insane. I am so thankful to live in a large city. |
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Honey, only you can decided on therapy and facing the events in your life, otherwise You'll enever be free and you'll live with constant discomfort and triggers. I speak from experience—mine, as you know took 17 years, and only because the "Hound from Heaven" tracked me down and said, "no, you cannot commit suicide", yes, you can get through this," and right now, you are imprisoned by fear, dread, unconsionable hurt" and deep seeded pain, but there is hope, I can help you." I don't want to push God, but what I do believe is that a greater power than you in conjunction with solid therapy, a regimin of self-postives daily, and medicine can help you conquer. There is catch: you HAVE to face your fear of fearing the worst and your imprisonment by the trauma if that's the case. My prayers go to you as well, Jen j |
The one thing that I think is essential to me is my faith. I go to Church often daily or every other day. It is the time I find to just chat with those who give me comfort. As I have aged, I have found that it is my faith that has just grown stronger over the years. It isn't for everyone. And some just don't get it. That is ok. But for me, it works. I am working on forgiving my bio-parents, but that has just taken its toll on me, and all of my siblings & their respective families. So, with that said, I go and pray. I pray for those who are hurting. I pray for those who suffer from illnesses, or poverty. I also participate in a number of social programs that the Catholic Church endorses like feeding the homeless, or giving out lunches to children for when they go to school, or during the summer months. |
PTSD
Hypervigilance and scanning (yup)
Elevated startle response (yup) Blunted affect, psychic numbing (not sure what that is) Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (alot yes) Interruption of memory and concentration (ye...what was that????) Depression (yup) Generalized anxiety (all the time) Violent eruptions of rage (yup) Substance abuse (thank Moses not anymore) Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety (and panic and unneccesary fear,yup) Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (so im not hallucinating??????i still see it???) Insomnia (alot) Suicidal ideation (not as much anymore) Survivor guilt (constantly) Now if i may ask? What about violent dreams?Acting out physically during those dreams?Confusion and hard to awake and realize it's not real?I was told those are night terrors....someone help please?And please note i am not intending any insult whatsoever....just tired of being terrified and consistantly on gaurd.Any response would be greatly appreciated. |
Tuffboi29, Yes, they are night terrors. I have those. I find myself kicking, hitting, screaming, and the like. Go see a sleep disorder doc. Get a study done. Then from there you will be sent to a therapist. Go. See if you can get relief. |
Yep, those are night terrors as they call them. I have them too. I have night terrors all the time. Sometimes I remember them, sometimes I can't remember most of the event of the dream. I wake up sweating, panicky,breathing hard, chest pounding, and mostly can't get back to sleep cause it's racing in my mind.....WTF just happened is usually one of those things I ask myself .I don't sleep well as it is, insomnia alot, and when I do sleep, I crash and burn hard, and then the night terrors begin, waking me up, and I am exhausted all over again. It's PTSD, anxiety,stress, and depression that triggers a lot of this. I am going through a lot of crap right now and it's just going to take time to get this done and over with. Not knowing the outcome is the hard part as well. Being at home with family where I am not really wanted but can't afford to leave in the first place is a huge stressor on top of all the other stuff. I just wish I could move on with my life, but financially I am being strangled to death paying for something I should not have to, and I can't afford to move at this point. If I could, I would never have gone home in the first place. My family doesn't understand let alone do my siblings care, and mom breathing down my neck daily and calling me names don't help my anxiety and stress and depression and it's adding to my PTSD symptoms too.
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PSTD
In the beginning i sought out this so-called 'help' and was told i had tourrettes(dont know if i spelled it right) because of facial and bodily tics that kept me out of public for years bacause of embarressment of being stared at.Also i was diagnosed a a scitzoefective(i know i didnt spell that right) because of these things i kept seeing.Now recently much to my relief i was told i have neither of those conditions and i wasnt hallucinating.I've been 're-living' all these unmentionable memories over and over while awake and while asleep.But guys...heres the kicker to it all....I did seek further help and made the damn shrink CRY!!!She said she could'nt help me and to go find a different therapist.So now i'm researching on my own and trying to find help anywhere possible.Even going to school for pschycology to study and treat myself.I can also relate to some of you when you say that family doesnt help and heightens the stress levels.Example:4 days ago I had a horrible panic attack that made me puke and had my ma standing over me at the toliet yelling at me to "stop it!!there's nothing wrong with you!!you just need to grow up and face life!!" Needless to say i should have my own apartment next week so i can panic in 'peace' so to speak.OK,so now I'm asking,will you all keep up the comments and suggestions, anything you've learned to lessen or ease these symptoms?I would so love to have a nap....
sinserly, a confukled boi |
Thank you all for this thread
Yes, I have PTSD. It came from years of horrible abuse from when my kids were young (They are both over 21 now). Last year I had a horrible episode and a person (they know who they are...no names) gave me a meditation that helped so much, I was astounded. I think it helped so much because I WANTED it to.
I have been to counseling. I have read and cried and felt so alone. It brings tears to my eyes now to see how many other people have had to endure these things in life that were so terrible that it scarred so deeply. We are fragile souls, all of us, even in the midst of being strong. Having PTSD is difficult, terrifying and so lonely. But, what is worse is knowing that there is no one in your immediate vicinity who will hold you while you cry. THAT is the worst. The thread is like the hug and TLC that I never got when I needed it most. Thank you, so much, to all of you who have written here. Thank you for your courage and your honesty. When I am more comfortable (I am new here), and I know I won't cause waves, step on toes or be the target of more disdain or anger, I will tell my story. Until then, Bless you all, EVERY ONE! :sparklyheart: |
Magic and Silk, I am glad you are here. You are most welcome to post here about whatever you wish too. Just know that this is a public site, and people are people. I take what some say with a grain of salt. You know what is best for you. Just be yourself. You are a gift from God. A treasure. We all know that. Make sure you know that too. :bunchflowers: My father held a knife to me, and at my throat. I know what physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual violence from a parent is, and the damage it does. I come here getting support. I am responsible to myself, and to help myself heal, and move on with my life. It is like opening up :canoworms:. I have no other way of putting it. Just go with the flow. That is what most of us do. Best regards, Andrew and Dino :doghead: |
Andrew (and Dino),
Thank you for that. It was good advice. I am always myself, on that you can depend. |
I am amazed by how many of us have the same symptoms.
Yes, I have night terrors. I have had a sleep study and also have sleep apnea, but I was almost waking up 60 times an hour before I got my CPAP. Now as I fall asleep I jerk awake freaking out, or crying or talking to myself quite a bit. The more stressed I am, the more it happens. I hear things and sometimes see things, but I know they are not real, so they tell me it is part of my PTSD, which mnakes sense considering what I see and hear. Also, I have ticks sometimes and I fall or things fly out of my hands or off shelves around me if I am really really freaked out. Work has been busy and I kind of fel like my nerves are misfiring today. I wish you all the best and a peaceful happy evening! |
Apocalipstic, I have sleep apnea too. My level was at 70. I use the nasal pillows. That works best for me. However, when I hit a period of stress I sleep walk, sleep talk, and all of pretty much the same as you. If I have insomnia I take Ambien. However, I have been known to get in my car and drive. So, I have a dead bolt on my front door - inside out or backwards. That way I can't get outside and hurt myself or others. I had to stop using my bypap machine because of how violent I am at night. I have been known to throw things, and move the matress off the bed (or vice versa), the sheets are always either on the ceiling fan, on the floor, or somewhere other than my bed. This happens each and every night. I hope everyone has a good night! Andrew |
This past month has been horrible to deal with for me. My anxiety is Through the roof, my depression is worse, my PTSD is being triggered out the whazzooo. I can't get in to see the new shrink for 4 to 6 weeks, and I feel like I am having a melt down already. I don't know how much more of this crap I can seriously take, the stress is killing me. I just need what I am going through to be over with already. And no, the ER room around here won't prescribe the meds I need either....so that's outta the question too. I just am hanging in there by a couple of threads left over. I just hope they don't break.
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I am telling you all something, we are like key lime pie. Strong tasting, and all good tasting! Everyone here is always in my thoughts and prayers. |
So sorry yall are having a hard time, my nerves are pretty shot too with the flooding and all.
Hanging in there by a thread with yas. |
It really is almost surreal how similar our symptoms are, and how much the same other people's reactions have been.
I fight crying, with everything I have...but sometimes it just happens, like today when I finally talked to a friend who has been missing since Saturday (in the flood). Sometimes a kind work really helps. Thank you all for being there! Love you guys! |
I think my last couple of threads I've been hanging onto have finally broken today. I just can't take no more, I am no longer the resilient child I once was long ago.
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Try and relax, sleep if you have to. Things will get better, they always do. Sending love and light! |
Everyone here is in my constant thoughts and prayers. :harley: |
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My PTSD is kind of kicked up with the flood and how tense everything is and has been. In addition to helping who I can, my therapist made me promise to do soem things for me. Can't be a long bubble bath though...water is rationed since we lost one water treatment plant. I am very weepy and feel guilty we were not affected as much as others were. I love you guys! Have a peaceful weekend. |
Night terrors can be bad for me. When I sleep alone.
It use to be worse, Id wake up under the kitchen table with a knife in my hand, not knowing how I got there, and having to do a body check to find where the blood was comming from. I have not had that happen in years. It helps that with the exception of below the knees, I feel my body pretty much. Even all the way down to my toes there is significant improvement. I need to remember to be greatful for that next time Im being tickled on the bottoms of my feet. :lol2: Usually now when I sleep alone, I just wake up all cockamamie position with an annoying mess of blankets and pillows on the floor. Exhausted. I havent hurt a bed mate in almost a decade. In fact, I sleep better with another body in the bed. I hope to never be single again. But if I do Im getting a large dog with a propensity for hogging the bed, and snuggling. ( I have one of those NOW< but she goes with the guy Im with.> Id rather keep them both hehehe) I did have a crap load of panic attacks, wich happens sometimes when some new memory fits into place, recently. I was relieved that the attacks pretty much receeded after I took my RN boards. I dont relish the idea of new memories to pop up. Should that happen, im plopping my round arse firmly back into therapy somewhere. And if things dont gel with that therapist, damnit I will continue to look for one that does. I have learned that if Im not showing progress in a couple of months, to change treatment, even it that means change therapists. (with appropriate closure, and communication as to why) This may not be for everybody, this is just my journey. I have recovery and step work which really has helped me deal with a LOT of my stuff. It has been instrumental in helping me be a survivor, not a victim. It also helps me deal with my symptoms. Cause I can be pretty hard on myself when I get really symptomatic. I loose patience with my panic attacks, and my flashbacks, and get angry that they are happening. I dont like to spill this crap out. Im dealing with some body issues right now. And some cold hard fear. I know for a fact that when I loose weight Im scared, its directly related to my trauma. Yet I also want a baby. I need to loose a significant amount of weight to have a healthy pregnancy now that Im in my late 30s. I had a miscarriage at 12, that of course, is part of the trauma too. So, anyway, I wanted to subscribe to this thread cause I get it. Im dealing with it too. So thanks for hearing a bit of my crap. Is kind of good to remember the stuff that WORKS for me. It be great to hear other coping skills. Glad this thread is here. kinda feeling shy now~ thanks for reading. |
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