Whos fault was it..

I won't say who the other party was but I will say this is only a two person household.

Me, seeing two bottles for a liquid medication on the counter: "Why are there two Xs out?"

Other person: "One bottle is empty."

Me: "Why didn't you throw the empty one away?"

Other person: "I didn't know how empty it was."

Me: :blink: :|

early this morning ...
 

Blade: (on phone with his mom) ok mom...let us know if you need anything.talk to you later....

Me: Are you gonna take a shower with me?
Blade: cracking up laughing ..."I hope mom hung up the phone and didn't hear that!"
Me: :| :| I was talking to Skippy, not you but that is funny!!

I can't say pick the peanut butter our your ears because this happened via text
 

Me: ......nibble your shoulders.....

Them: you'd be surprised how fast (*edited to protect my innocence*) land on the floor as your nipples are on my shoulder.....


Me: ummmmm :| :| honey...I didn't say nipples! :glasses: :glasses:

my sister...at 5:30am...(while I'm sound asleep in "the front room" of open floor plan)
 

(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.

So around 3pm same day...Mom's in the kitchen and I'm upstairs..
Just as I slip into my bubble bath....I hear mom scream like she'd seen a snake...then cuss up a storm and say WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PINK GOOEY SHIT ALL OVER MY GAS BURNERS AND RANGE HOOD!!!? HOLY HELL...SHE EVEN GOT IT IN THE PILOT LIGHT!! IT LOOKS LIKE A PINK TELLA-TUBBY EXPLODED IN A PRESSURE COOKER!!!

I giggle to myself (I had actually dozed back off this morning and forgot all about it) ...slipped further down in my bubbles with big smile...and thought "good thing I WON'T be here when my sister gets home....mom will accuse her of torturing tella-tubbies!

What I said: Want me to help with that?
What they said, in a sleepy voice: I don't think your hands are big enough to wrap around it.
My response: :| :| ohhhhh really?? (Laughing hard and naughty giggle) I wasn't talking about THAT kinda help!

From the radio..Would you date someone who didn't like the same sports team as you? As my roomie and I were riding down the road.

Me...HELL NO, I sure wouldn't date a Gamecock fan

Roomie..laughing really?

Me...yeah all my girls have been Tigers

Rommie...belly laughing with the exception of one

My 13 year old while we were talking about music: I really liked Skillet until I found out it was a christian band.

"Oh snaps!", "Seriously?", "That's ridonkulous!" are heard very, very often in this household.

"Oooh... You turned my butt on!"

from a local buddy who was repairing the porch light
 

As he was describing his spine surgery gone wrong...
"They chipped a bone and had to wheel me into the MRI to find it. But they couldn't find it and left it in there!! Later I told my doc that my BALLS GO NUMB!!!...doc said that chip is pinching the nerve but he won't remove it. So I told him my wife is fixed and I don't want kids so CUT MY BALLS OFF! I heard Duke [medical college] will give $800 per ball so cut them off and send them to Duke! I don't need them!!... I need the money and it's better than going numb! ...

Then his doctor said (thru a thick accent)..'dat won't help. It be like cutting off arm...will feel phantom pain"...

:| :|

Shit heard 'round this house!!

All in the course of one day.....


A chihuahua fart!!
(We all laughed till we cried!!)
Me: Skippy!! You rotten little fart! I didn't squeeze you that hard!!
Skippy's Daddy: sounded like you squeezed the shit outa him!!
(OMG!! MORE LAUGHTER AND TEARS)

*******************later....

Friend 1 about buddy 2: Look...I think hy wants a threesome!!
Friend 3: (looking at buddy 2 with a cocky grin) I only do two and you ain't one of the two.

*********************

Them: Get that thang off my foot!
Me: What thang!
Them: THAT thang!
Me: it's just a string on your pants.
Them: NOT THAT THANG! THE OTHER THANG!
Me: there's noTHANG on your foot!
Them: look there....
Me: oh? That tiny little thang? *chuckles* give me the flashlight, who gave you warts on your foot?
Them: I was born with it...maybe when I was a little boy I stepped on frog poop?
Me: (cracked up laughing)

**************

While watching a very descriptive commercial for treatment (Osphena) of post menopausal dryness .....
Friend 1: OH MY GOD...at dinnertime they play commercials about Viagra...then at night they play this before little kids go to bed?
Friend 2: .....(looked at Friend 1 with a cocky grin then looked at the TV and declared....) Ohhh baby! If you were with me, you wouldn't have that problem... GLIDE INNNN....glide out...
Friend 1: YOU ARE SOOOOO BAD!!
Friend 2: Well? My woman wouldn't need lube...
Friend 1: *rolling eyes and laughing * LOOK!! *pointing at Buddy 3* Hy just winked at me!!

*****************
Them: :fart: :fart: :fart: :fart:
Me: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!! YOU'RE GROSS!! THANK GOD YOU ROLLED OVER TO FACE ME BEFORE YOU DID THAT!!
Them: (laughing hard) What did you think of that?
Me: it sounded like your ass cheeks flapped together!!
Them: HAHA...Told you I'm all boy!!
Me: I've known that forever but daymmmm you!!
Me: looked over at Buddy 3...are you ok??
Buddy 3: winked at me then hid hys face under the pillow

As I'm watching TV, I hear...

GIVE ME THAT FROG!! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! .



Poor WooBear doesn't understand the frog is FILTHY, and is in the laundry for a reason.

"Oh, Ace. I can't get enough of you!"

Do WHAT with my giblets? :seeingstars:

Don't break those balls! (we're decorating the tree)

My nephew to his mom, who is in the restroom...

"You should think of happy things while you go mom, to make it go faster, like I do. I think about Ice Cream, Kittens and You!."

Roomie: I wonder what kind of bird that is...
Me: I think it's an oriole.
Roomie: Never heard of it.
Me: You never heard of an oriole?
Roomie: Nope.
Me: How could you never hear of an oriole? There's even a baseball team with that name...
the Baltimore Orioles....
Roomie: Oh. I thought they were named after the cookie.
Me: The cookie?.....(momentarily stumped, then...)You mean Oreos?

Boyfriend leans over, rubs my butt and says:

It's like Buddha's belly...but Shannon's butt!

:|

Last night was a full moon. Impulsively, I began howling while I was driving. I tried to coax my daughter into howling with me. She wasn't going to play with me, coaxing, begging, threatening...nada. So, I continued to howl because it's ridiculously fun. As we pull into the garage and I turn off the car, my daughter looks at me very seriously and says,"You're ruining this family with your behavior."

My 15 year old asked me for her social security card because she was filling out an application for a job. I told her that we'd have to get a new card. As she is walking off I hear, "Great, Donald Trump is going to deport me."

*as we're playing Super Smash Brothers at 1 a.m. as Donkey and Diddy Kong, and during a boss fight he jumps in front of me and gets blasted away*

"I got you, boo - even as a big hairy gorilla I still protect you!"

:blush:

His reaction to all the boxes of baby wipes I bought at action..
 

Blade: Did we have a baby I don't know about?

As I was drfting off to sleep in the recliner, I hear my roomie say stop licking my bellybutton! I open my eyes to see Briar sitting on her lap and her cracking up, saying she's (Briar) never seen my bellybutton.

Mom, a body has been found in the park near town.

A dead one.

With my momma standing in the kitchen as an innocent bystander...I asked a friend if they liked the treat I brought them?

With a very delighted look on their face, they responded "Yes! I like it like that so I can suck on it!"

:| :|

I didn't know beef jerky required sucking on it.

Later, after mom had moved to the couch...
I asked that same friend if I should use a certain roll of material to make an easier path to the table for momma at camp?
They warned me "absolutely not, that stuff's slicker than a minner."

I turned to mom to tell her "he usually says "slicker than a minner's dick."
He gets all goofy faced and says "Yes, I usually do, but never in front of your mom".

I thought mom was gonna leave a puddle from laughing so hard.

(Btw..."minner" is Southern for minnow.)

Ummmm I think the sheep have escaped again. .. followed by...

F*ck.

:blink:

Now that school is back in session three of my nephews come here before and after school.

Yesterday I was sitting outside with them while they were riding their bikes. The seat on the bike that the 11 yr. old was riding tilted back and as he called it "slingshotted his balls". As I proceeded to fix the seat to kept this from happening again the three boys had "ball talk" for at least the next 30 minutes. The things these boys say.

.........:giggle:.........

::from the desk of the honey badger:: "fyi, remember the woman who gave the Trump motorcade the finger from her bike?" (me) "yes?" .............."well she's running for office" (wry smile~ from the honey badger..."she'll get my vote" (me) "ha...mine too":hangloose:

oy
 

what is it with boys and "ball " talk ~ my grandson and his friends talk ball talk too ! 11 yrs old they are lol I guess this is how they have a ball lololol ( laughs at myself ) lolol silly's

Lol... that's funny, ocean. I'm glad it's not just these boys!