My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, i said no we all seem to enjoy it.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with
an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over
there.....", as he pointed out a distant location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, " Mister, I have the
authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge
and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish.... on ANY land!! No questions asked or
answers given!! Have I made myself clear...... do you understand???"


The rancher nodded politely, apoligised and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up
and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the
rancher's enormous Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it
seemed likely that the officer would be gruesomely gored before he reached safety. The man was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at
the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge........ show him your BADGE!!!





.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex-partner is really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

there were these 3 rabbits. put, put put, and put put put. well put got sick. so put put and put put put took put to the doctor. o it was awful, put died. put put and put put put grieved some kind of terrible. not too long after put died, put put got sick. so put put put took put put to the doctor. put put put was hopping and screaming all over that clinic! and he told the doctor, "please doctor please! don't let put put die! i've already got one put in the grave!"

DO NOT READ THE NEXT SENTENCE.

You little rebel. I like you.

The fact that its bring your child to work day. Seeing as I have no kids, I found it quite entertaining myself and some older widow/spinster types are the only ones sitting doing work still instead of taking pics with Smokey the Bear, carrying Animal Balloons, and eating cake. LOL!

I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing from his job as a road worker,
although saying that, all the signs were there.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

I dont want to brag or make anyone jealous but ... i can still fit into the earrings i wore in high school.

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind hearted man that I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

'I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Things I have said to my doc:

"Round IS a shape so shut up!"

"Yeah, about that exercise thing...you see my thighs would rub together creating friction that would catch my underwear on fire, and seeing how that would be considered as arson, insurance don't cover that, so no, I won't be exercising any time soon."

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

This pic just cracked me up and i just couldn't resist going for the long caption
 

http://cl.jroo.me/z3/C/B/F/d/a.aaa-S...ttle-frien.jpg

In an attempt to find new ways to keep guns in the hands of US citizens, various gun groups banned together to develop guns for pets. The tiny rodent rocket launcher series is very popular with the "Arms For Animals" crowd who believe, among other things, that the right to bear arms should include actual bears... as long as they are pets of course. We can't have the deer and the ducks shooting back now can we.

Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.