I just watched the last half of last weeks ep of The Big C.
I sobbed at the end of it. If any of you have seen it then you know why.
It's been really painful for me to watch the last season of The Big C. Because of what I have gone through with losing my father to cancer when I was 16. You'd think after all these years that watching something like The Big C wouldn't be all that painful. Ah no!

My ex wife's admit pic from a psych facility her brother sent me today. She has schizophrenia, and has been missing and homeless, living on the streets, for the past three years. She was nearly unrecognizable to me, and looked sooo bad, I almost vomited.

I cried today. Ugly cried....

I was, again, not invited to an outing with my sister, niece, nephew and mom. They are all hanging out at the Strawberry Festival in Vista, about 15 minutes from my house having a grand ol' time. And, again, I found out on Facebook :|

I called my mom, and she confirmed she was with my niece and nephew in the kid zone watching them play. I started getting upset and crying and asked why I wasn't invited? She said they both decided to go last minute, and just "forgot" to ask, but I should come now that I know about it.

hmm... really? Because I wasn't invited. I feel like the only reason they want me to come is because I was upset. It's a shitty feeling. I feel like ever since coming out, I have lost my family. Its sucks. I had an ugly cry... unfortunately, right when Justin was leaving for a memorial service, so I had to ugly cry alone. :(

My sister texts me, asking me not to be mad, they just planned it last minute... I text her back saying, "I am not mad, I am very, very sad. I feel always left out, excluded and I feel like I have lost my family" I get a text back from her saying "i feel like I have lost my sister... I haven't been around... i haven't been to my niece's soccer games.. and so on"

My sister lives an hour North of me. The soccer games start at 8am. I am not a morning person. Yes, this is not a good excuse, but it is the truth. And, Justin has NEVER been invited, only me. So it's a sucky situation.

What she doesn't realize is, and can't possibly understand, is the hurt one feels when their other-half is not acknowledged (which is the root of all this). My sister and family did not meet Justin until 2 years into our relationship. When I am invited (on the rare occasion) Justin is not. We were not invited to Thanksgiving or Easter. My family lives in Carlsbad, which is only 15 from me. This hurts.

I have some responsibility in it. I have a lot of issues and insecurities about coming out to my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins). My father came out as Gay (well, was outted) when I was about 13. I had to listen to my family make horrible remarks about him and calling him Faggot. He and his partner were always the butt of the family jokes. My dad is no saint, and his partner is horrific so they deserved some of it, but not because they are gay... because they are jerks. There is a difference.

Anyways, because I hold these memories, I get insecure. I wish I could just "show up" for the family Thanksgiving with Justin without an invite and say "Here I am!! Like it our not, you can't shun us!!!" but I don't have that confidence, and I start sweating even thinking about it.

Now, I am out on Facebook. I post pictures of us. I have a "relationship status" so I know they know. This was my way of "coming out" without having to announce it in the middle of Christmas dinner. I did not know any other way to do it that I was comfortable with. Still, no one has said anything to me, asked me about it, or acknowledged it.

Anyways... I'm going in a million different directions with this post. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. This is what happens when one had ADD and is upset at the same time.. lol.

My sister texted me and asked me if we could go out to lunch to talk. She is picking me up in an hour. I know its going to be an ugly cry talk, but at least I can get some stuff off my chest and maybe we can get on the same page. I miss her and my family. I just want them to accept me, Justin, our life and I want things to go back to normal, like when I was married to my husband Ryan. Ahhh.. those were easy times! I hope we get there.

And to think people actually think we "Choose" this life. I wish they could walk a day in my shoes.

Rant done.

Being so far away from the one I love...

Watching shows about the Titanic on History....

This in Memorium of a local girl
 

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbHjusfVzeU&feature=share"]A Tribute to the life of Bella Rodriguez-Torres - YouTube[/nomedia]

I bought a dolls house off of eBay and was annoyed because the seller hadn't responded to my request for a contact number for collection purposes for several days. Anyway, I requested his number from eBay and gave him a call. Again, no response. Until this morning.

Turns out the wife of this obviously very elderly (and extremely sweet) gentleman had a passion - and I mean passion - for dolls houses, and this was her final project. Great. Except she died in February and now he can't bear to look at it but at the same time wants it to go to someone who will cherish it. And his reason for not getting in touch before? He's been in hospital being treated for cancer.

It was all I could do to get off the phone without bursting into tears.

Words

The truth. Hindsight.

The song Wanted it makes me cry because it speaks to the heart of how I feel about desd I want not need to be sure she never doubts that she is wanted needed loved I made her doubt so much early on and I need to make up for that and she desires to be secure in the knowledge that she is the best thing that ever happened to me I have found my souls other half my one true love

letting go of a hurt and feeling it release me......

Stupid people at the park not watching their kid and making me fall off my bike.... There was bloodshed and everything.... People need to keep an eye on their kids. This four ish year old ran across the bike path, I swerved to miss her and ran into post and went over the handlebars. The real kicker is, the monster was HEADING FOR THE RIVER and her parents were 60 feet away, all LA LA LA LA not even watching her.

And then they yelled at me to look where I was going. I was looking! Otherwise, it would have been a much worse accident.

Watching the ASPCA commercial where the dogs and cats need care and a forever home. Why do we treat creatures this way?

Thanks! If it happened again, I'd hit the post again instead of the kid... I'm trying to think of it this way... 4 year old was running full tilt towards a river without an adult close enough to save her if she fell in. Both of the adults had their backs to the river at the time, so they wouldn't have seen her go in. So it sucks that I'm all banged up, but the kid's alive. Not smooshed, not drowned, not missing... That's good, right?