Whoever invented knock-knock jokes...
 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

I can hear music coming out of my printer.
I think the paper's jammin' again.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

cows
 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

cow with no legs?????
 

ground beef?

Desperate for a date ...
 

A woman meets a man at a party. She says, "Haven't seen you around. Are you new to the neighborhood?"

He says, "I just got out of prison."

She says, "Prison? Why were you there?"

He says, "I killed my wife."

She says, "Oh, so your single?"

Q: Which part of the military do babies join?
A: The infantry.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
(Say it...lol). This joke courtesy of my 5 year old!

Do you have 11 protons? Because you are sodium fine. :)

What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for fresh prints. :D

ENGINEER'S BELIEF

Most people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

What did the ceiling say to the wall?
 

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side

Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive
Olive who?
Olive you!
(Another 5 year old joke - I'm sure they'll be more)

What did the blanket say when it fell on the floor?



Oh sheet!

Bwahhahaha ... :|

Cashew (noun) Sound of a nut sneezing.

Six to go...
 

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

I purchased a microwave bed recently, 8 hours sleep in 10 minutes.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that don't know the words.

What lies on its back, a hundred feet in the air?, A dead centipede.

If you made a belt out of old watch straps, would it be a waist of time?.

If the chemical composition of water is 'H2O', does that mean that Holy Water should be 'H2OMG' ?

Why do people jump for joy? Because maybe joy is stuck to the ceiling.