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That I deserved it. I was a fool to hope. There is no reading between the lines.. it was right there before Me all along. Indeed.
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here it is 1230 in the morning and im STILL awake...sleeping pill at 9--no effect....dilaudid about 45 min ago...nothing....felt horrible most of day--headache,dizzy,nauseous,and in pain---wtf is going on???
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my father's alcoholism... *sad sigh* i do so well, to distance myself these days, but when the going gets tough, it's hard to seem uncaring.. i know it's not that i don't care, because i do, and i want him well and i want him to stop and it's been years and years of taking care of him and it tears me apart to see him do this to himself and constantly rush him to the hospital.. i had to distance myself for my own sanity, because it's not something i can stop and it's certainly not my addiction to own either.. and i feel for him, for being in what seems like this deep sadness and lack of energy and he just isn't well.. his liver isn't well.. his heart isn't well.. so i need to not take this on.. but part of me just feels soo soo guilty, for not being there for him when he's going through his pain, his feeling unwell, his looking unwell.. i'm scared he'll start taking the seizures from withdrawal symptoms, and i'm also so scared he'll hurt himself or someone else... i'm just scared.. i'm scared that i'm making a bad decision my distancing him when he's like this, i'm scared i'll lose my father to this addiction and feel an enormous amount of guilt for the rest of my life for not trying to do what i could.. though i've tried for about 30 years now - i have begged, i have pleaded, i have taken over being his next of kin and tried to intervene, i've tried everything.. there just isn't anything more i can do unless he seeks help.. i just want to break down and cry when i hear him this way.. this week, i will try and gain the strength to make that phonecall again, to attend al anon meetings.. the first time i tried, i didnt return after the first meeting, i was a twisted ball of emotions and petrified to go back. but i need something... anything... =( |
Why my cell phone display just lit up for no apparent reason...Mercury, is that you?
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Today: I've had so much on my mind that I think my brain is melting or my head it about to explode!! Please, someone, light the fuse so I can get this FizzleSizzlePopAndCrackle over with!! :bomb: :chemist: :explode: I'm look forward to a "thought free, brain power free zone" this coming weekend; I will be.... http://i827.photobucket.com/albums/z...t/HotTub02.gif |
thinking about how strange but cool my little brain damaged kitty is...i have to share(spoon feed) my lemon pie yogurt,jello,peanut butter sandwich,fudgesicles,and now banana bread with her....she was like an animal going crazy for the bread just a second ago.......i sure love that little confused,precious thing
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What is on my mind...
Where can I find a bobble head of the Progressive Insur. lady? :eatinghersheybar: |
The line of storms coming through
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repetitive
five days until surgery
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A very long to-do list.
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What's on my mind...
realizing I left my debit card at home and only have $3.67 in cash for lunch. WTH?! |
werner herzog
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On my mind is my trip on Friday |
Having a great day planned tomorrow with a wonderful femme friend. :tea:
Horray for girl time!!!!! :spruceup: |
Truly thinking that the California DMV will give a license to just about any jack ass...well at least I know one more place my tax dollars does no good with
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this that and the other. time space and telephone calls.
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Looks like there will be no beach for me this weekend. Not only did the coworker who owed me hours skip out on me, but the other one must've ran out of minutes on her phone because she isn't answering. :(
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I didnt do any studying for my math class tonight... OH WELL... its not like its that hard...
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Our car needs an oil change...
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I decided I really like Gwyneth Paltrow's version of "Forget You" on Glee much better than Cee-Lo Green's version. :glasses:
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Happy Holiday Weekend... Everyone!
If you're driving anywhere this weekend, can you believe these gas prices?!!!? Damn, they are out the roof! How much higher are they going to go in a short period of time? I'm jus wonderin'! |
My sister and I went for a walk in one of the regional parks. We were following one of the trails that describes a major battle during the War of 1812. There are 5 main points in the trail - marked by a commemorative plaques. Someone stole one of the plaques! WTF!!
It wasn't a small little plaque - it was at least 3' X 3' and attached to a cement pillar with long bolts. So this wasn't a crime of opportunity - someone decided before leaving what the heck they were going to do, had the necessary tools and means to slog this plaque - that had to weigh quite a bit - UP a couple sets of stairs along the side of a hill. And the area that it was stolen from isn't easily accessible from the road - although it is a distance from homes. Some people. jeez. |
Unemployement called me today, they asked me a few questions then said they are still waiting for my ex employer to contact them.
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MORE...YES PLEASE...
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I went to Best Buy today and for the first time in like a decade, looked at TVs.
oh gawd....what have they done to console tvs? Where is all the wood? What happened to the backs? Why are there no knobs? If my newf walked past it the wind would knock it over... and who needs sound that is more than the sound is really like? I need to hear water that sounds like a waterfall when its coming out of a spiket? I felt like I landed 2 centuries ahead of my time. I felt very very old..like Aunt Bea was visiting Mount Pilate...good lord... |
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http://cgi.ebay.com/RARE-Limited-Edi...QQcmdZViewItem |
this just seems completely ridiculous...Dont say Gay in Tenn.....really???
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/0...?ref=fb&src=sp |
Hy is out picking out a movie to watch tonight unsupervised....I think this is going to be interesting
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I am so excited about things that have come across my path recently....new people, new opportunities, fun with friends, and a new positive attitude that has me really looking forward to my near future!:clap:
I've been over 3 weeks without a smoke, have pretty much quit drinking, been working out, and feel SO much better physically. :weightlifter: It's amazing how great things are when you start to do positive things in your life and get out of unhealthy routines! :praying: |
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Busy day! - A couple of different meetings and errands and now will be cooking and geeking out the rest of the night! WOOT.
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:moonstars:
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An unpleasant conversation i need to have with my boss...soon...
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Thoughts that bring a smile to My face and a warmth to My heart.
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on my mind....
ben and jerrys cherry garcia ice cream on the beach with good music and a nice breeze.... |
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how i wish i could move but since im not employeed right now i cant
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My date Saturday Night. :)
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