.... when I opened the box and found a maple leaf drenched in syrup.

...I pondered what the sender intended with this gift, and what I will do now that my shovel is gone...

but quitting my job at the cemetery was a lot easier than I had imagined when I learned how to make leafy mini, gift Christmas trees out Cheez Whiz and maple syrup, so...

Fortunately, I came to my senses and resumed making Lemon Drop Martinis. Thank heavens, because....

The very next day some good looking woman told me HOW much she just loved Lemon Drop Martinis......

BUMP BUMP:praying:

She looked at me and said: That has to be the most sophisticated martini I've ever had; pity it's all sugar syrup and no alcohol

"Hey, I put plenty of booze in there" I said to her! She must of been..........

gestational diabetic so it's just as well she didn't drink much of it and asked for........

Some seltzer water to cut the sweetness, then...

she reached into her purse and brought out a pack of cigarettes, I immediately...

Lady Gaga phoned! She wanted to know if....

there were any cigarettes in the

ashtray with her lipstick on them! Boy I got a big shock when I ran to look:seeingstars:

tripped and landed face down on

As I picked myself up and dusted myself off I felt..........

a gun muzzle in the small of my back and a low soft voice saying....

"Want to role play"? A huge smile came across my face as I recognized who the voice belonged to:blush:

it was the elevator operator i'd had sex with last week in Dubai's tallest building and she wanted....

another go at it BUT.....

I sensed something a misted .......

When she smiled and opened up her long, black trench coat........

Revealing long bare legs, tan, supple...

I just about fainted......

highway, I slowed way down

and phoned the police

Deborah

They arrived on the scene and quickly........

Gathering information from survivors at the scene......

was tedious, time consuming and boring...

Afterwards they headed across the street for a beer..............

and ran into Santa coming.........

the other way at a rate of knots, weilding a gun.

"Santa, what on earth..."

would Mrs. Claus say if she could see you now

...waving around that purse pistol like Roy Moore at an election rally?!”

Santa stopped dead in his tracks and....

took a pisser...right there in front of ALL the reindeer..writing his name in the snow.

That which when Elf number one said.....

“Gee, Santa, how many cups of that egg nog did you drink?”

Santa responded with one loud hiccup and started dancing the....

polka with Elf #1. They wobble around while the elf sings a German drinking song.

Santa trips on a yule log, they fall into the decorated snow. The Lord of Misrule scoops up a sleeve full of yellow snow proceeding to................

say "Luke don't believe the lies they are telling you, we are your father" and then...