me: what are you doing with a belt and a cigarette..
J: I'm....I'm trying to beat the cigarette..oh god why isn't the coffee done..

<It's pretty rare anyone makes less sense than me in the morning, but today Jess won by a landslide and then some.....>

Shouted to my cat who has been madly digging in the litter box for what seems an eternity, "If you don't stop that infernal digging I'm having cat kabobs for dinner!"

that's just funny now, ... whew i mean totally funny LOL

right, understood lol.

i can see and hear a southern person doing what you did LOL. and it's turnip greens season, ... you've heard folks talking about turnips or you've ate them. i've ate them.

very funny, indeed. you need to re tell that forever.

my babe putting out halloween candy:

- There's the candy in case kids show up.

Me:

- What? It's not Halloween.

Her:

- They usually do it on the weekends.

Me:

- Ok. Halloween is Wednesday, but It's good to know in case I hear knocking on the door and wonder what the hell is going on.

:blink:

haha
 

My wife : honey everyday is like Christmas for me bc I ask and you just get it for me .

Me : baby if everyday is like Christmas then how come I still don't have my new remington hunting rifle or my jeep Willy ?????

My wife : well daddy maybe everyday for you is Halloween bc I do keep you stocked with candy and make you treats a lot .

Me : honey , I'd trade Halloween for Christmas then :)

My wife : isn't the browns playing today ?

Me : way to change the subject honey

Shakes head ....

Teddy and I were discussing out ancestries....

Me: You gotta admit...the Irish are a happy bunch. We have a great sense of humor.

Teddy: Yeah, but that's because they're always drinking!

ahem...... :|

cinn and i have many of these funny conversations

last nite while going to pick up her eldest child .....

cinn...i think god has a plan for cause i have missed dying several times in my life time

me... yes me too. i have cheated death several times in the last cpl yrs alone
at least 3 times within the last 10 yrs. i started listing them cancer, just this past sept, and i kept listing them at the same time cinn and i said

were married to a crazy woman who tried at times wanted to kill me

we both started laughing hystericaly

*Phoebe comes racing over and scoots her butt across the carpet.. I look at her, slightly horrified, and then smell poop*

Me: Uh, she just scooted her ass across the carpet.. EW! I think..
Abby: I smell poop.
Bard: Yeah, she did right by the door.
Me: Ewwww.
Bard: Maybe she had a cling-on from Uranus.
Me: OMG..
Abby: *..takes a minute then starts laughing* From Uranus! Your anus! And it comes from your anus!
Me: Oh my god, this is going into the overheard thread...

Gemme in the lingerie thread

"i like it without the pants"

Me: They aren't perfect!
Jess: it's a bakesale, they are supposed to look home made.
Me: No! We are queers - the cookies are supposed to be perfect.

yesterday at work, I took refuge in my friend's office, where I am advised one of the saddest things I've ever heard:

me (tears): okay .. so I am having a slight emotional thing. I'm going to sit here with my back to the window, you just ignore the tears and look like you're talking to me. (waterworks wide open)

him: uh.. fidget fidget *talking nonsense just to look like he's talking to me* (he was quite the trooper for about 10 minutes)

me (finally): okay (voice still a lil catchy) I think the involuntary tears are done (we laugh a lil bit at my comment)

he wants to know what the he££ is up, so I tell him.. blaa, blaa, blaa..at the end I say;

me: lord. it's been a good minute since I've shed tears like this..

him: (he looks really hard at me for a second): Kimmy, it's b/c you still have 'hope'.. that little bit of hope that someone's not going to let you down.. you're just not jaded enough.

me: stupid hope. *deep, teary sigh*

We are trying to leave the house but I'm still gathering up the gimcracks I need...

Hym: Wallet? Keys? Phone?

Me: Oh poo. My phone. I don't know where it is.

Hym: Bathroom? Kitchen? Other coat?

Me: I have no idea. Could you please call it?

Hym: Um. *reaches for hys phone, and I continue to gather my shinies*

Hym: You know, when I was at Dollarama the other day, I noticed they sold condoms.

Me: *aghast* Wow. I'd trust that like I'd trust a balloon with a nail in it. Did you see any cool toys? What about those spatulas I like? Spatulae? Ugh. *flustered*

Hym: *opens the door as I wander out* There. Distracted you out the door.

i don't know what is exactly funny about this, ... but it is LOL. doesn't matter. it's funny LOL.

Hym: If we're consolidating our households in the new year, I'm afraid I'll need TV.

Me: I have a TV.

Hym: No, baby... a cable subscription.

Me: I have never paid for cable in my life.

Hym: You get it for free? *smiles*

Me: No, dumbass, you know I don't do TV.

Hym: Well, I'll pay for it. What am I going to do when you're out with your friends? Sit around and read or knit or something?

Me: *dumbfounded* That's... what I do... generally... so...

Hym: ...

Me: ...

Hym: *winning smile* TV?

While getting ready to go swimming.....

*spaying myself*

J: what's that? Bug spray?
Me: yes come here..
*spray spray spray*
J: wtf it tastes awful - what is that shit really?
*looks at bottle*
J: Jesus God honey its sunscreen! SPF 70? Why don't you just wear a coat!
Me: the pool people frown on me wearing a coat - I tried.
J: Of course you did....