|
Tinkerbell who, because it's early enough in the day, was unpissed and unstoned. She helped. We laughed.
|
While at the cabin last week with my parents. We were ready to go out for the day. Daddy and I are ready to go....Mom says let me go to the bathroom before we leave............................................. ...
WHICH ONE OF YALL SHUT THE LID ON THE TOILET! |
Pizza Time...
Grandson is holding his pizza out and then it flips down except for where he's holding it near the crust...
ju: I don't want this anymore *sad face* my daughter: Why not? ju: It's bent. *pout* daughter: (trying not to laugh) Bent? ju: It broke and fell down. I can't eat it! *angry face* daughter: We can get another piece that's not broke. ju: I think I want cake! *huge smile* He's priceless... and so are his words!! :rofl: |
A txt with my Iowa bff...no that item is no longer in my "tool kit" ...but I'm pretty sure I won't be needing it...impressive memory tho
|
Watching the guy next to me on the ferry play Bad Piggies. I was rolling :)
|
The verbal exchange between two store clerks and an ex clerk. The ex clerk had me laughing so freakin bad I just blurted out "You're awesome! I've been having a rough start to my day and you just helped to change that!" :cracked:
|
Okay so sitting quietly after staff exchange with the other lesbian staff who is coming on shift duty. Both of us are kind of quiet and I was nodding in and out of nappishness (true word)... and didn't realize she was too.
A new kid is on her cell phone and neither of us are totally paying attention to her end of the conversation till we both raise our heads, look at each other and the other staff says, her: I only got part of that. What did you get? me: I think I only got part of it too...? :blink: her: I got the part about she only likes cats. *puzzled look* me: Well, that explains a lot because the part I got was "Those hetero couples seem to have a thing for dogs." her: hmmm *closes eyes again* me: yeh *closes eyes again* The little lesbian is 18... We later assessed she must like pussy... she likes cats. hee hee :superfunny: Disclaimer: I know the non-heteros like dogs too. Just laugh with me. It was a ha ha moment damnit!! :rofl: |
Working with my bosses, we were taking down lights they were bulky and heavy and it took 4 of us to take down four Halogen lights. We are all struggling trying to balance the boom lights so one guy says hey pass the Dykes, I looked up at him and said hey! Watch it buster, we all bust out laughing and the light got heavier cause were laughing hard, one of the guys was from corp office and he kind of just looked straight forward trying to act like he didn't hear my comment, which made the 3 of us laugh even harder... After the 4th guy left I said, oppps forgot about the big boss, they laughed and said yeah we gotta watch ourselves, we tease each other all day and sometimes we forget ourselves around others.... The forth guy comes back and says where is the damn dykes and I yelled from the other room ... Im in here and then the laughing began again and the boom light crashed... Oppps my bad.
|
What cracked me up to day was wondering what my cat was pondering as she so intensely watched me scoop the littler box.
"Damn, I worked so long to bury that." "Does she keep it?" "Where did I leave that feather?" "I wish to hell she'd hurry up already!" "This explains why I've been going in the same place for years and it never fills up." |
Socks!!
Socks cracked me up.... and almost made my blood pressure blow!
LMAO!! Because I moved, I'm "living out of" duffel bags and laundry buckets.. So I start packing my after-work clothes to go hiking this evening... Start stressing because I couldn't find my socks... Start searching duffel bags and buckets... Stressing more running out of time... Thinking OMG!!! All that planning and packing and I didn't bring SOCKS!! yanking stuff out of buckets... turning duffel bags upside down on bed... "OMG!! Really? ..... Ugggg!!" then........ I look down.... the black ones I was looking for and apparently the only pair I brought with me where on my feet!! :sock: :sock: :sock: :sock: :sock: :sock: My blood pressure busted and I found them on my feet!! just then, I got a text from a supportive friend.."It's time to lay back down!" ... HOW TRUE!! |
a quote from a book i'm reading:
“Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth” :cracked: |
Getting ready for work in the dark...
Getting to work and half way through the day, noticing I had to different color tennis shoes as well as socks on. Everyone knows I like odd, I am odd, so no one bothered to say anything to me. Until... The same upper management guy stopped dead in his tracks turned and his face became beat read when I walking around with a pair of dikes wire cutters in my hand. And he said, please, please, please don't say dykes... http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yTKQN9Q1NBo/0.jpg |
Quote:
Me? Cracking up watching Keeping the Faith for the kazillionth time. Certain scenes make me laugh every time. Yeah, I'm a dork. |
Upcoming presentations at work and a co worker says to me "this ain't your first time at this goat rodeo".
How can I look those 24 people in the face and not crack up? |
Quote:
|
:rofl:
|
Tonight, I was meeting some friends at a restaurant for dinner.
I was walking in behind a couple, not in my group. The female stopped at the door and her male counterpart opened the door for her. Then as I was behind them, he held it for me too. Which put me between him and his date. It was a double door walkway. Now, she's been talking away this whole time, has no clue that I have entered the picture. She steps aside for him to open the next door. But I'm the one behind her. I waited a second and saw that she was going to keep talking while she waited for the door to be opened for her. So I reached around and opened it for her. She sees it's not the arm she expected to see and looked at me with the most startled look. I just smiled and held the door for her. Then he reached over and took the door from me and we both went in. Maybe you had to be there but I thought it was a riot. Especially when recounting the story to my friends, who were seated next to the door and watched it all happen. |
my brain hurts
3 guys named
WHAT, WHY, WHEN were talkin WHAT:WHY what r u doing? WHY:i dont know what iam doing. WHAT:why? WHY:why r u caling me? what? WHAT:now why did u cal me? WHY:what! When did i cal u? WHEN:in ur problem why r u callin me? WHY:what? did i cal u? When? WHAT & WHEN: what WHEN:why r u caling urself? WHY: did i cal myself, when? WHEN:what? WHAT:why did u cal me? Dont ask when? WHY & WHEN: what ? |
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
Happy Halloween
|
This actually happenened a few weeks ago, I'm just getting around to writing about it. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
My Dad has one Aunt still living. She is about 85 yrs old. A few days after his heart surgery he told Mom to call Aunt Gladys and tell her he was fine and doing well. Bear in mind that we have always been a close family. Aunt Gladys raised her grandson, he is my age and we did everything together growing up. Here is how the conversation went. Mom....Hi Aunt Gladys this is Candy Aunt Gladys....whoooo Mom.... Candy Aunt Gladys.........whoooo Mom...this is Candy....Johnny's wife Aunt Gladys....OH! Well honey, I don't reckon we ever know'd ya name we just always called you "Johnny's wife" OMG I thought Mom would die, laughing so hard when she got off the phone she couldn't tell me what was said. Now what makes this even funnier is, a few weeks before the surgery Dad went to see Aunt Gladys and she told him to tell Mom they needed to move back down there so she would have someone to do stuff with. She and Mom could take trips together and do things together. Dad said Aunt Gladys you have people that you do things with. She said no, no I don't all my friends and sister in laws I did stuff with has done and died out on me. So two weeks earlier she knew who Mom was. LOL I told Mom it sounds like a trend.........she is not allowed to hang out with Aunt Gladys...I'd like to keep them both around for a bit longer. |
Driving behind a woman tonight who was probably 85 years old.
Her license plate frame read: Honk if you're horny I didn't honk, but oh did I want to! |
I cracked up over
The rooster and little mouse story...lol |
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again." |
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too. |
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." |
talking about upcoming trip
Me: want me to call u when I land in 80 degree weather?
Lab tech: U want me to reach thru the phone & smack ya? Lab Mgr: I'd like to see that... :) |
After I filled my truck up with gas today I drove behind the store to get out of the parking lot. There is a tree line behind the store. As I rounded the corner of the building, I looked up and a squirrel was jumping to a limb. Well the limb wasn't attached to the tree. When he caught the limb, he and the limb went tumbling to the ground. He jumped up apparently unharmed and ran off.
I've never seen a squirrel make a mislick like that and fall all the way to the ground. He was like WTF I think he was embarrassed |
Irish Sugar Test
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here to get my urine tested for sugar." |
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (A narcoleptic musté sued) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (Makes a Shoplifter very Motivated , right?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (Must we ask...?) On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (It's only a suggestion, after all.). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (Fuck !!!! Oops) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (Ow...Fuggin' ThunuvaBith!!!) On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (They need to youtube their test dummies) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Because we see plenty of 5 year olds handling Tractors and School bus, Amish kids don't count !!!) On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Are you fucking kidding me? You mean.....this really works on Insomnia???) On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (Umm, What...?) On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (-=speechless=-) On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly JetBlu next time.) On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Somebody must've been very...Very depressed...) Now that you've smiled at least once,Goodnight. :moonstars: |
Man married to doll...Friend would like to marry said doll. Cheered me up!
|
I got to work today to find that the manager hooked up a Nintendo system to one of our huge security monitors since it's so dead at the hotel this week! LMAO We're getting paid to play video games!
|
Mom did....as we were walking into Belks which was the second store in our "will you go to Penney's with me, that is the only place I want to go" adventure
Mom...I sure do feel sorry for you Me...Huh? Why? Mom...One day in the not to distant future, you'll be pushing me around in a wheelchair to do this Christmas shopping. You sure will be tired at the end of the day. Me...chuckling...ummm naa I don't think so...I'll be teaching you to shop online and I'll be pushing your wheelchair up to the table, where you can reach your computer. |
Simply because my laugh can sometimes be pretty obnoxious and goofy sounding too...LOL
|
It happened yesterday but I'm still laughin'
Staff meeting. Discussing the kids and their needs and issues... staff:well, he's offended by the remark because he's a virgin still director: a what? isn't he supposed to be bi? staff: yes he is bi and he is a virgin too director: then how does he know he's bi? staff: same way you know you're hetero director: but..... staff: when you were a virgin didn't you just know who you were attracted to? director: well, yeh i guess i did lol staff: well he knows too and he has no limits director: well, that's just greedy! ex director (director's wife): oh dear... all staff: ahahahaaaaaaaaaaa I really do love that place |
That little Christmas Elf keeps me laughing when I'm around her. Today as she was sifting threw her birthday gifts, occasionally she would come across a card. Her Mom would read the card to her, open it and read the inside of the card, and close the card. When she would close the card the Christmas Elf would say "The End"...OMG that wee little voice the end. Precious.
|
Reading one of Tommi's old posts cracked me up today!
|
We were cracking up watching the Sea World Penguin Cam tonight, and this one penguin kept running back and forth as fast as his short little legs would let him, sooo funnnyy
|
...thinking & talking to others(mom included) about things I could do this year to piss off the sister-in-law at Christmas ..lol :)
|
| All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:25 PM. |
ButchFemmePlanet.com
All information copyright of BFP 2018