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What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
Close the door I am dressing! Why did Mozart kill his chicken? Because it kept saying "Bach, bach, bach. Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel! |
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing it was on the house! |
What do you call an old snowman?
Water..lol |
I was wondering why that football was getting larger and larger....
and then BAM! It hit me. |
knock knock anyone?
Knock Knock
Who's there? Wayne Wayne who? Wayne in a manger...! Knock Knock Who's there? Holly Holly who? Holly-days are here again! Knock Knock. Who's there? Butch, Jimmy and Joe. Butch, Jimmy, and Joe Who? Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, and let's Joe. Knock Knock Who's There? Britney Spears! Britney Spears who? Knock Knock Who's There? Oops I did it again Knock Knock Who's There? Hanna Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree! Knock Knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you! |
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Four little birds got together one winter to discuss their flight plans
First little bird says "My instincts tell me to go north" Second little bird says "My instincts tell me to go south" Third little bird says" My instincts tell me to go west" Fourth little bird says "my end stinks" :) |
A new study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer than than the men who mention it.
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C, Eb and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors".
A plateau is the highest form of flattery. What's orange and sounds like a carrot? A parrot. "I stand corrected." said the man in his orthopedic shoes. |
What did one firefly say to the other?
You glow girl! |
What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture"
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why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they're always a little short.🍀🍀🍀 |
How can you tell if an Irishwoman is having fun?
She is Dublin over with laughter! |
Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs?
From eggplants. :bow: |
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
He eggercises! Why did the Easter Egg hide? He was a little chicken! Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road? It was the chicken's day off! Why did the Easter Bunny go see a therapist? Because he was a basketcase! |
Where do pencils go on vacation?
Pennsylvania!!! |
"What goes around the world, but stays in a corner?
A postage stamp," ~ Max, Jutta's son. (In, All The Light We Cannot See.pp. 509: Doerr, A. 2014, Simon & Schuster, NY, NY). |
corny, yet cute. :)
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I found out I was colorblind today.
It was totally out of the purple. |
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Why do watermelons have big fancy weddings???
They cantaloupe. |
[B]For you.....
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender says, "Dry?" The Germans says "Nein, just one." |
You've got mail :)
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How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste. |
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What do you get
when you cross a pair of pants with a dictionary? Smarty pants. |
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Q: What bow can't be tied?
A; A rainbow. :balloon: |
Q: Why is pirating so addictive?
A: Once you lose your first hand you get hooked! |
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:pirate-steer:
Q: Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank? A: Because they'll wash up on shore later. |
This thread makes me :cracked::cracked::cracked:
Mrs Tiger on the other hand doesn't have the same appreciation when I read them to her. Her reaction makes them even funnier. |
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"A new study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer than than the men who mention it" didn't she..:giggle: |
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Q:What do you call a mermaid on a roof?
A: Aerial Q: What do you call a magic owl? A: Hoodini! |
an Ode to tête-a-tête's between two dictators....
Q: what did the two dictator's say to each other during their latest phone battle?
A: you're my favorite "Dick-ta-phone." :blush: |
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Q: Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road???
A: It got stuck in a crack. :blush: :balloon: :giggle: |
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