lmao
 

youngest child....
we are not Israeli, everything you eat is sone kind of soup or stew in a
Mason jar...

mom....
curried lentils are Indian not Israeli

youngest child....
MOM I JUST NEED MEAT I DON'T CARE IF ITS ORGANIC I JUST NEED MEAT

me...
laying over the kitchen sink laughing my ass off and loving every minute of it...

later in the convo....

mom...
don't scratch your back on the wall you look like a rhino

oldest child...
then you scratch it for me right there there there there...

me...
still laughing my ass off at the 3 of them....:jester::jester:

As we're getting ready to go to the movie tonight.

Zimmeh: I can take my Vera Bradley purse/bag so we can put snacks in it.

Me: yeahhh I want candy.

Me: we should get subway sandwiches and put them in there.

LOL

Me: I can see us snacking on subway in the theatre. haha!

Zimmeh: They would know if you had onions in it. They would smell it.

Me: what.. lol. They would not know!

I want to see someone do it!

:p

Heard at the market

"I keep telling my husband he should have just done it right the first time and brought me home the biggest one he could get"

heard while in uhaul
 

After picking up the uhaul for our move to the new place this is what transpired tween ms cinn and myself

ms cinn: where is the rear view mirror? Why isnt there a rear view mirror?

me: :l

ms cinn: turns and look out the back window Oh never mind :detective:

me; laughing hysterically

Up extra early today and my sister who had stayed out very late the night before comes in and asks if I can help her hide the dark circles under her eyes.

Sis: Wow I can't even see my bags anymore that is amazing I can't even see them anymore how do you do that

Me: It's an optical illusion trust me

Sis: Oh so it is kind of like tea bagging in the porn flicks

Me: (EYES WIDE WTF LOOK) ....had to walk away

at my second home, work with my second family.. lol

I took over dispatch and just as I did we get an alarm for a code 29 - fire alarm. Our officers are in the middle of shift change and are barely getting their radios and keys. Me and my mentor take over and start pushing buttons to acknowledge the alarm and start the emergency channel dispatch. As I'm trying to contact our officers to see where they are and dispatch someone to our fire command, I call for one whose call number is five zero and we call him five o. lol Later I find out he didn't grab a radio in time and he just tagged along with another officer to get to the scene asap as we only have 3 mins to respond or alarms, sirens, flashes go off for evacuation and the fire department is dispatched. So later after unsuccesfully being able to reach him by radio I say, "damn, five o is always the last to respond." We all laughed good. haha!

You. Are NOT. A. NICE man.

Just sayin'.

lmao
 

friend melissa...
Jace theres little hairs in the bathroom sink

me...
because i got a haircut today i need to get a shower

she...
you're tall as a tree how did you get a shower in the sink

me....
i ran my hands thru it i need a shower
she looks at me and has that what do you mean look...sigh lol love the bestie

word
 

oldest child....
i made a delicious smoothie this morning

my sweetie ....
yeah it was diabetes in a blender.....

wth....

lol

Me: Ooo! I wonder if they make cheetoh-flavored (vaping) juice!

Scorp: Here, I'll just let you suck on my toes.

:|

wth
 

my sweetie to the youngest childs gf...
is that a vagina on your shirt??

GF...
no its a ded deer i got the at dollar general for 8 bucks for our 23 month anniversary

my sweetie....
hey we should go to cheesecake factory or pf changs

really??

and these are the days of our lives lol

love my girls!!!!!

I tried to tickle my 14 years old son's knee, and he said to me, "Mom, I am impervious to that." I was like who the hell, wait! When the hell did you learn that word: impervious?!

I swear I was standing quietly in my own cubical ....
 

one coworker to the younger one after the younger one asked for 3 favors in a row..

younger one : "Can I ride with you? "
coworker who had already admitted to major PMS: "YOU'RE HANGING OFF MY LEFT TIT!!"

me: :| :| :| ... ROFLMAO!!! that did not just come from YOUR mouth! who are you?

I just heard this comversation between my nephews outside through the window

Youngest "why do you think mom wants us to stay out of her room? Did she buy us gifts?"

Oldest "No, I think she got dad a gift that he gets to unwrap secretly"

Youngest "NO FAIR! I want to be the one to unwrap moms present! Do you think we'll ever get to use it?"

Oldest "let's wait a few months to find out"


Meanwhile I am sitting here spitting out my tea and trying not to crack up.

While we were at the movies yesterday, the landlord called to say our BIG cat, Bud, had gotten out! He hadn't been outside at the new place yet so we hurried home....

Landlord: He's been hanging out on the deck, he's fine.

Teddy and I call him to the door.

Teddy: Get your fat ass in that house!

Me: Don't talk to me like that!

oh we do have fun.....

:sunglass:

Hollylane's romance
 

I had finished my studio and was putting a tarp on the floor and plastic sheeting up on the walls getting ready to paint (I am a messy abstract painter).

Girlfriend: What are you doing? What are you planning to do in here?

Me: Have you ever seen Dexter?

Girlfriend: You're kidding right? (With worried look)

Me: Piss me off and find out.

Then I laughed at her and told her it was just to protect the hardwood and paint form my mess.

She seemed very relieved... but she won't go in the studio now.

I think my plan worked.

Me ...Stop sniffing me

Ex....I can't help it

Me..... FFS I am not a scratch and sniff sticker go sniff some markers

"Baby, we really need to stop coming together"

followed by:

"Well, at least we didn't do as much damage this time"

I'm never going to stand in that checkout line with hym again...especially if the same cashier is there.