I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

I agree completly that it's not just BF sites! There are nutsy people everywhere you look in life, so why not online too? If anything, I think it's easier for them to be convincing online as they have this wonderful screen to hide behind.

I've been fooled. And, I've learned! I've sent money, and I've opened up my home to people who were "about to be kicked out"...who were still here two years later. I blame them and I blame myself. (And we took the "Home for Wayward Lesbians" sign down..that seemed to help!) ;)

I second the voices that say to look into someone before doing anything like sending money/going to see them. Years ago in my most favorite chatroom, we had a bio male who for YEARS convinced us all he was a bio-lesbian-female. It was an LGBT room. There were men galore..but he was straight..and pitiful. The explosions when someone finally decided it was hooky that he was never available to meet up when someone was in his neck of the woods...whew! And it left quite the impression on me...I learned how easy it is for someone to pretend to be something they are not!

I'm thankful that not all the lessons I've learned about people have come at my own expense, and grateful that I tend to be a fast learner!!

Thanks for the thread..and the reminders!! :)

Lis <~~~~Who can provide BFP references ;) *G*

Great Information!
 

Just try prying a dime outta me. You won't get far.

I'm extremely cautious by nature (Capricorn), but I've given my heart away a time or two - and that was a harder lesson.

Heart

I have never sent money to anyone I met on line, but have given it in person and never expected it back...I try never to lend money I can't afford to lose...and the financial mistakes I have made have been in person (but no less painful).

What got me was when two different times, 2 different people made up personas to talk to me. :| It really creeped me out and I struggled with my stupidity for quite some time. I might not have fallen for it if a real time friend had not "vouched" for the person. Yes, there are con-artists and soul suckers out there. Be careful!.

I am so glad to see people speaking out. I wish someone had all those years ago when I was naive and oh so vulnerable.

I completely agree about exes, and I think it is important to remember that just because I might not have gotten along with someone, they might be perfectly suited for someone else and it can seem (be) petty to dis our exes to new potential partners, even if we might have concerns. I like the idea of letting the mods know, and stepping back.

I am very happy to see that steps have been taken to cut back on the multiple screen names. This scenario has not only happened to me, but to several of my friends, and few things suck as much as telling a buddy that his/her new love does not even exist. I know its a lot more work for you guys, but I so appreciate the extra effort to keep us safe mentally and physically.

I know there are those of us who would never get sucked into a con and who think everyone should take care of themselves....but it is easier than one might think to get sucked in. People can keep up lies for YEARS.

Please know your efforts are appreciated.

June speaks the truth!

We did lock down our membership registration for the time being (and probably permanently) because we had a couple of banned members who think they are clever by pretending to be other people, creating fake personas so they can further victimize people on this site, etc.
And I'm not having it. :)

I will not, however, build a giant wall around this website so that it is so cumbersome for new people to join that it's a turnoff just because a few fucked-up individuals have nothing better to do with their lives than troll and create drama. I think it's important to maintain a welcome space with room for us to "check ID's at the door" in the way of verifying IP addresses, locations, and whether or not someone is trying to use a proxy service.
We owe that to ourselves and to this space and even though it takes us a little extra time to check each person, it's worth it.

I will expound on what June talked about with information about people who are abusive/scammers/con artists, etc.

YES, we want to know. NO, we can't always do something about it.

If you have personal experience with someone being physically abusive, stealing money, using drugs, killing kitties, selling their children, etc., we would appreciate it if you would let us know about it either by pm'ing myself or any of the Moderators or dropping me an email.

We may not always be able to *do* something about that person but, as June said, it helps us see a bigger picture, especially if multiple people come to us and say, "So and So said they were going to set my house on fire."

We have a private forum for the Moderators where we discuss every issue on ths site. We share information about themes in the forums, people who are having a hard time, or people who have made threats so that we are all in the loop about what is going on. Sometimes we might say to one another, "Hey, so and so's Father just passed away so they might be feeling sad" or "Jim and Bob just broke up so we might need to watch their posts in case they dig at one another."

This is often how we catch things before they are even reported; because we are all very connected to these forums and the people in them.

I also want to stress that as much as we listen to people telling us that someone is abusive, a crook, etc., we also pay attention to the people who are making accusations.
If "Bertha Mae" says that someone was abusive to them every single time she gets out of a relationship, we are going to notice that.
If "Elvis Aaron" says he has a terminal illness and has 3 months to live but is still around 6 years later, we are going to notice that.
If "June" suddenly starts posting photos of naked women and calling people "cuntbuckets", we are going to think she has either lost her damn mind or that someone has broken into her account.

None of these examples are absolute, we recognize that every situation has it's details and are willing to examine them all differently.

My personal commitment to this site is that I will do what I can for as long as I can to help maintain a sane space. I feel that all of our Moderators and volunteers feel exactly the same way.
There will be people who will try our patience, test us, make threats, etc. To that I say that I have never been one to kowtow to a bully, a sycophant, or a fucked up sociopath.

The best way to get my negative attention is to fuck with this space and the people in it, whether by using this site as a toy for your fucked up issues or playing chess with the hearts and minds of the people who come here for positive reasons.
I don't care how you play out your fucked up drama, just don't do it here.

Sorry for my little tangent here but want to make it super clear to folks, this space will exist for a very long time and the truth is that it will exist with or without every single one of us.

Our choice is to be a productive member of this community or to play tiddlywinks with ourselves in crazyland without the benefit of the wonderful people who come here.

As my grandmother always said, 'Don't lend more money than you're willing to lose'. That doesn't make you feel any better when the money is gone, but at least you've "warned" yourself if nothing else.

We'd all like to be the trusting and generous people we wish others to be with us, but life happens and occasionally teaches us that our good will can be abused.

Along with the relationship stuff--we so often dismiss what is obvious because the other stuff seems so right and hot. The red flags won't get any redder. Again, it's so hard to see those red flags or not want to hide them when everything else seems so right. We can feel really foolish when things go really badly and not want to share that experience--hoodwinked, stolen from, abused.

I am a very loyal and generous person by nature---and expect the same in return. I don't mean tit for tat, or match me financially but a measure of same. It's very hard for me to trust people once I've been lied to or experienced pettiness. I have gotten past it with people, giving them the chance or benefit of the doubt even more than once. But I am unwilling to do all the work in a relationship--the proof is in the pudding, if you want to repair what was broken, then it takes two to do the repair. I am no longer willing to be in the role of 'fixer' or initiate these repairs.

I was accused on another site by a femme I dated three times of rape. Wow, was that ever a shock. More shocking to her was that she'd sworn butches to secrecy but since they were buddies to varying degrees of mine and that was a significant accusation--they told me. I called her on it, but of course she ignored my emails but the story did stop being told.

Additionally I've been accused of breaking people up, or advising them to break up--of course the reality is that I am NOT in the relationship and when people come to me as a pal, I am quick to say, 'ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?' If a relationship is so fragile that a talk with me breaks it up, wow,,,how powerful am I. I am more than happy to get people to slow it down as the first course of action: make a list of pros/cons, ask them if counseling won't help, ETC AND AD NAUSEUM.

But none of us can control mean spirited or just plain ol' gossip. I would hope that people are grown ups and would come to a person directly about their issues, but more likely they'd rather spin the tale that suits them or spread half information.

It's sad when new people to our community get taken for a ride, sadder still that we have to be vigilant and warn people about online nuttiness. That's why I tell people, meet sooner rather than later instead of date online for 6 months and think you have a true picture of the person.