Okay...

When I met Dreamer, I was still living with my "ex," due to a number of reasons. Bottom line, no matter what, my ex and I were still family and were quite intertwined. We still are in many ways (financially, etc). Though we have not lived together for 18 months, we did. We remain close and continue to love and respect one another. She is an integral part of my life and my children's. EX in the picture does not mean cheating and dishonesty (always).

There was no hidden agenda for our living together, it was open and honest. There are many people who break up and for whatever their reasons are, they must remain that way until the situation can change.

So, don't be so harsh to judge - Because really... You could be speaking about Dreamer and I - And giving the advice to run. And we are still together and strong.

Unless you know the facts -- And unless you (Blu) feel safe in that relationship and have the knowledge and trust this person - see where it goes. The other people could be right, run for the hills. However, it could be as simple as the truth your new person is giving.

There are risks in every new relationship. Go with your intuition. I know Dreamer did.

Julie

Hellloooooo Red flag !!!!!!

:seeingstars:<-------------red flag hitting you over the head ....

Sounds like a red flag . Just sayin !

I had a couple really bad experiences with partners with exes around. NO THANK YOU. That will never happen again to me, no matter what an angel an ex might be. I dont have it in me.

But this is about you. You say you dont want to lose her. Well, that tells me she is seen as "property". From one person to the next, possession seems to be the key here in your statement.

A gal isnt a possession...a gift, yes, but not a possession. If she is yours, she is yours. It wouldnt matter if Mother Theresa lived with her or Cassonova.

can you see the difference....?

It's great when a situation like this works out as well as Julie and Dreamer's, and part of their relationship, I think, is mutual maturity and honesty from day 1. However, to be honest, it usually just turns into a messy situation. You need to be clear if this is "broken up but both are free to move on" or if there's an element of sneaking around and "not quite broken up". There doesn't seem to be enough information to tell.

If you just met, You may not have enough information on this girl's character, let alone if she's truly your great love. All the better not to get too enmeshed and just see how it goes.

Trust your deepest instincts, and don't make excuses or let this girl pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. Get to know her before you get your heart involved (that's for any relationship, actually ;)).

Thanks everyone for the comments and advice. I believe that I am still an unknown to all who know her.

I am still unknown to people around her....

update is overdue
 

sooo.....she is still living with the ex, but moving soon. We have spent some amazing time together although not nearly enough for me. :) She isn't moving because of me though, which I don't feel she should. I recently found out that there is also another person she has been interested in.....hmmmm. I've told her a few times that I'm done trying and it pisses her off. We do this pull and push thing with eachother. So here I've stayed because I want to believe what she tells me. I want her to feel safe and know that I will be here. We have such an intense emotional and physical chemistry when we are together. She is a beautiful person inside and out, but is she trustworthy? The other person she's interested in doesn't know about me either, but she has told me that if we continue she will have to tell her. I don't want to lose her. Is she just in a very confused space or is she just playing us both? I really want to believe!

If you've told her "a few times" that you're done trying, you're not done trying.

Beautiful people on the inside don't suddenly have another potential woman in the wings. Beautiful people don't engage in the "back and forth" and all the drama of being together. Beautiful people don't get pissed off when you stand up for yourself.

Great chemistry doesn't mean squat if you have doubts to her trustworthiness. That's what you're really asking us; does this sound like a lot of smoke up your nethers, or the real deal?

Even if she is aboveboard, there are a lot more potential partners out there without all the sturm and drang. Really look at yourself, and ask if you are in fact more attracted to the excitement, and are women without all the drama "boring"?

You don't "have" her at all, and in my cynical little world, you, the other girl, and quite possibly the not-so-ex are all going for a ride. I'm sorry, though; I know well how that chemistry feels.

Sounds like she just broke up with someone and is seeing what dating is like again. She may need the space to do that for awhile until she's ready for something more serious.

Questions that you should ask yourself, include (but are not limited to)

Is this woman of the 'serial relationship' variety? How do I feel about being in a relationship with her, while she is still outprocessing the previous one?

If I'm questioning trustworthiness now, and it's obvious that she is not a full-diclosure type person (since you are an unknown entity in her life) how will that impact, and affect my feelings, confidence and self worth in the future? How is this affecting me now?
Is she honestly just dating, and I want more, and possibly reading more into this experience? Although, in an honest dating scenario, all parties are aware of the situation, and that there is no exclusivity agreement.



It sounds like a TIMEOUT is called for, at this point. You might want to clarify your own expectations, desires, and wishes for your next relationship, discuss them with her, and find out what hers are as well, followed by a week's timeout to think.

I truly wish you the best!

Me in green.
 

You need to understand your own needs before you can commit to another.

Never be another's option when you want a commitment. Poly relationships are one thing, being played for a fool is another.

My .05 adjusted for inflation.

Initially, the words 'girlfriend' and 'lose' made my dander kick up. First, if it's a current girlfriend, then all need to know what's going on. Second, you lose your keys, not a human being. If you are feeling that at this point, what happens when you have fallen for her to kingdom come and back?


Actually, I agree wholeheartedly with Sachita. Let her get on her feet and then see where things lie before jumping into anything serious.

So she's keeping you a secret? That's not good...

This makes my head ache. Let's look at this from a slightly different angle. Why should you go for this?

Um, she trips your sex trigger.
She's easy on the eyes.
She feeds into your needs.

I would be very, very careful. It doesn't have anything to do with her still living with an ex. Lots of folks do that. It has to do with the fact that she's already playing mind games with you and you don't even 'have' her. She's keeping you secret from a lot of people and she won't commit. Then she gets upset when you insinuate that you don't want this and are 'done'. She reels you in and tosses you out and you go along with it.

I have no idea how old you are, but if you are.....oh, let's throw a number out there....30 or older, you should know better. If you are in your teens or twenties, then this will serve as a learning experience for you. I just hope that it doesn't make everything more difficult for the really nice girls out there who like you later on.

Save your heart and your love for the worthy.

I personally think your mind is made up and you are going to chance everything to be with her as long as you can, at any cost to your self esteem and soul.

that being said, maybe you didnt really want advice, but needed to talk yourself into it and the easiest way to do that would be to counter(justify) against everyone's opinions that warn you to be on guard.

I could be VERY wrong. I also have been in that position and its why I recognize it. But maybe its just projection and I should keep quiet...

I just dont want to see you hurt. By yourself