I am very expressive. Even without words you will know how I feel. I speak loudly when I’m upset or when I’m trying to make a point even though that is not my intention. I don’t think I’m yelling, but I’ve been told many times over the years “Don’t yell” or “Stop screaming.” So I’m going to accept that I must be raising my voice even when I think I am not. I suppose that is not likely to change until I get better at hearing myself. But I have taken some responsibility for the ways in which I express my feelings during an argument or when I am angry.

When I was younger it was very difficult for me to control my temper. It even took me a few years as an adult to figure out that I should even try. Anger and rage were the only emotions I felt comfortable expressing. And I believed I had a right to express myself, as long as I wasn’t abusive, regardless of the effect on others. Luckily for me, and it may have been my only saving grace at the time, I have always had the ability to look at myself honestly and to own my shit. After a couple of years in a long term relationship I began to feel uncomfortable with certain ways I would behave during arguments or when I was angry at something. That was the first step.

The next step was a little more difficult. Understanding that there is more to admitting my behavior is unacceptable than just saying “I’m sorry” or “I should have handled that situation better” was a challenge for me. I was able to say I’m sorry I yelled but there was always a justification after. I believed that because I was so upset I couldn’t help raising my voice or saying things I didn’t exactly mean. It took time for me to figure out that sorry implies wrong doing on the part of the person offering the apology and inherent in admitting you did something wrong is a promise to change. It makes absolutely no sense to say you’re sorry and then to continue doing the same thing. And I also realized that saying or believing I couldn’t help acting this way because of my abusive childhood or the abusive and dysfunctional relationships I witnessed growing up was a cop-out. And a lie. One I was trying to sell to myself. Of course I could help it. Why wouldn’t I be able to help it? If I couldn’t help it then who the hell could? It was ME behaving that way. And it was only me who could change that behavior and chose to behave another way. I wasn’t out of my own control, even though I told myself I was. That’s just ludicrous. No-one is beyond their own control. If I couldn’t control myself then who could? There’s not much I can control in this world, as matter of fact there is nothing I can control in this world, BUT myself.

It took time. I think it was a combination of being able to look inward and just growing older that allowed me to make some progress with my temper. It was also my desire to love and to show compassion that helped me to initiate some changes. I started to examine what I meant when I said “I love you.” Did I see love as only a feeling? If love was just a feeling I had about another how would it be possible for the person I loved to feel love from me? They could feel their love for me, but how could they feel my love for them? That’s when it dawned on me that the only way a person can know how much I love them is through my actions toward them. If my actions didn’t express love then it didn’t matter what my words said. That was a revelation. Then I asked myself, did I only love the person when they behaved in ways that were acceptable to me? I decided that of course not, I loved them regardless. However, when I’m angry I don’t behave in a loving way. Yet I don’t want to cause pain or to hurt the person I love, even when I am angry at them. I want them to know I love them, to feel I love them even when they piss me off.

So my next step was to try to figure out how come even when I meant to show love and compassion I was unable to do it when I got really angry. The clue for me was in the singularity of my emotions. I couldn’t possibly only always be angry when someone did something to me. That’s when I realized that a lot of what I was feeling was hurt. The person had hurt me. And I was incapable of dealing with hurt and sadness. I preferred anger and rage.

Over time I got comfortable with feeling hurt and expressing that feeling to the person who hurt me. I was dumbfounded by how disarming sharing my hurt with the person I loved really was. It definitely changed the emotionally charged atmosphere to a less lethal one. Not that saying someone has hurt you stops an argument. It’s not a get out of disagreeing free card. But it is an emotion that allows more room for open engagement. Anger is often so big, especially if it is the only emotion you allow yourself to show the other, that it leaves little room for compromise, compassion or even conversation.

Showing someone you are hurt does make you more vulnerable and certainly less threatening so it takes a certain amount of trust to be able to verbally express your pain as hurt. But it got easier once I figured out that saying, whether unconsciously to myself or out loud by my actions, that I was NOT hurt and I was NOT vulnerable did not in any meaningful way make me less hurt and less vulnerable. The reality is that I would remain hurt and vulnerable regardless of my actions. When a loved one does something to cause you pain you are hurt. When you love you are vulnerable. End of story. No amount of acting like it isn’t so makes a damn bit of difference. That was a game changer for me.

I believe when you tell someone you love them, they have a right to have some expectations of you. My wife is someone who I have professed to love on many occasions. I made some very specific promises on our wedding day. Promises I meant with all my heart. I have tried to explain to her the depth of my feelings often and yet I love her even more than I could ever express. Therefore it is only logical that she believes that I do love her very much and that I will always treat her with compassion and respect. I want her to keep believing this. She deserves to have this kind of love. She deserves someone to love her this way. I try very hard to be the person she deserves.

I wish I could say I do that always, but sometimes I feel like my need to express my anger outweighs my need to express my love. On those occasions I try to remember to look at my wife. To look in her eyes, to really look and see what she is feeling and then to ask myself if this is what I want to make her feel.

I am often capable now of letting stuff go. I could never do that before. I thought it was imperative that an issue be resolved. I think now that if I can let it go that is a kind of resolution in itself. When it’s something I can’t let go of, then I need to work it out with my wife. But no matter how annoyed or pissed off I am, no matter how hurt or disappointed, I can usually manage to remind myself in the middle of it all that this woman is not my enemy, she is, in fact, the person I love above all others. And that, regardless of what I am feeling at the moment, she is the woman who has shown me love, kindness and compassion beyond measure.

That doesn’t mean we are not going to disagree or that I am not going to try to get my way when I think it is important for me to do so. It doesn’t mean that I am never going to feel anger at my wife. However, it does mean that I am going to stay aware of who I am disagreeing with and how much she means to me and what kind of treatment she deserves from me as well as what kind of treatment I deserve to receive from her. It also means that I am not going to focus on being right or making her wrong. I am going to look for the compromise that takes the least away from each of us. And I’m going to do my damnedest to remain as loving as possible while staying true to myself.

It takes quite a bit to get me angry, so if there's a problem building up I usually discuss it with whomever I have the problem with. If it's something that's written to me in an email, I can sometimes get verbally harsh, but never name calling.
If it's someone causing problems with my kids I'm a momma bear, so back off..lol.

just "the look" thats always enough

For years I thought I was an angry, irrational, overly-emotional person. Only then I fell in love with someone who talks things out with me, listens to my point of view when I'm upset, and really cares about how I feel.

I very rarely get upset or raise my voice now, even when he's in a mood and being an @rse :tease:

I am very easily hurt, but it takes someone very determined to make me angry. BUT...if I reach angry get out of my way, and stay out of my way until I tell you it's safe to be near me again.

Once I have regained sanity (some say I never get there, LOL) then I am able to talk and discuss any and all issues.

A holiday resolution -- no yelling allowed
 

So, after a lot of processing and reading all of the feedback here... here's where I'm at...

I definitely can understand being so angry one doesn't want to talk. I've been there. But I usually acknowledge that I need time to think and process and then remove myself from the situation.

My SO says that she has the right to vent when she is angry. She says if she doesn't get it off her chest it will only get worse. I can understand that.

What I can't understand is the need to scream and yell, drag up old arguments and get derogatory, lashing out verbally.

If I make an attempt to walk away she gets angrier because I'm "walking away" instead of talking.

If I try to talk and I make sense she gets mad and derails the argument with the yelling and "trash talking" (her words, not mine) -- I don't call it talking trash, I call it insulting the person you say you love.

I've decided this behavior is her way of attempting to "win" the argument. Walking away isn't an option because it allows ME time to regroup. Talking reasonably is only allowed if she's getting her way. And screaming and insulting me is a way to disarm me so that I'll withdraw and acquiesce to whatever her demands because it alarms me so much I'll do anything to make it stop.

I've drawn a line. She's not allowed to scream at me. She's not allowed to insult me.

And now I'm walking on egg shells.

I've been very clear. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. And it's my sincere wish that she's taken my words to heart and makes an obvious effort modify her behavior the next time she loses her temper. But mostly, I'm very, very sad that 18 months into this relationship this is where we are.

But at least I have some resolve and a plan. I have a little cash in the bank stuck back for Xmas so now I'm scaling back gift purchases in case I end up homeless for the holidays.

So, if you've read this far, I'm sorry for the ramble. LOL. But the point was, if you have some positive vibes to spare for a stranger you only know online, I could sure use them. :)

Thanks,
-S

I didn't say it's right...................
 

I Bitch, Piss, Moan & Swear A LOT..........I walk away...........then I clearly look at the situation................make my any necassary apolpgy and talk calmly about how I feel. (I'm french & irish what can I say)

((((hugs))))

I'm glad you have a plan. It's awful to live on tenderhooks with someone you love.

....sometimes, I just stamp my foot :)

Ha! If I see you angry I'll keep my toes away from those heels!

I'm generally a brewer. I hold it in and try to 'let it go' but instead it builds until BOOM - and it can be the smallest thing that breaks the camels back, so to speak, and not the original problem. Once I've blown though I'm usually over it pretty quick and then feel extremely remorseful. But of course the damage is done by then. I'm a yeller *embarrassed*. The other half and I always talk things through though so we have rarely gone to bed angry with each other.

I know I should talk about what is bothering me before it gets to that point but Im not very good at communicating that sort of stuff and sometimes even Im not aware that I was bothered until too late. Weird I know.

Whether Im angry or she is (she has a different kind of attack to me!) I think the most important thing is to talk about it once you have both calmed down.

Also the 'angry' times are few and far between. The good stuff far outweighs the stressful times.

I'm glad you have a plan. It is always good to be prepared. It is also important to have limits and to make them clear to the other person.

It is difficult to change one's behavior but not impossible. I have always found it easier to do this when someone, preferably someone I love, makes it clear to me exactly what I am doing that is distressing to them. Then I can focus on finding a comfortable option that works for both of us. It seems you have done this for your partner. Her screaming and insulting you no longer works for you. Sounds easy enough on paper. How we react when angry and upset becomes almost reflex though. She will need to come up with a strategy that she can implement when she becomes angry that works for her. Something to replace what she has done in the past. She may be somewhat resistant initially because she probably hasn't come to the same conclusion as you. You feel her behavior no longer works for you, if it ever did. She may still be under the impression that you are alone in this. She may feel the behavior still works for her. Perhaps if she can see that clearly the behavior is really not working for her at all because it may cost her someone she loves. To my mind that is not a behavior that works.

Maybe you both need to come up with strategies for when you fight or disagree. Maybe she should be the one to walk away since she hates it when you do it. Or maybe she needs to learn to let you go. Perhaps you could not argue at all about anything until a specific time each week that you can set aside for just this purpose. Or just agree to not try to discuss an issue until you are both calm. And if during the discussion one of you feels uncomfortable or incapable of controlling their anger then the discussion needs to stop until you can discuss calmly. Or whatever you feel will work for you both.

Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes patience. But it can be done. It's a process. Don't expect miracles. It's a series of small successes. Nothing happens overnight. If the relationship is worth it to you both then that's half the battle. If it's not worth the cost, and there is always a cost, there is no shame in that either. If your SA needs someone who will stand there and allow her to scream and insult them then perhaps you are not the person for her. But before she decides that is the case she might want to examine why anyone would allow themselves to be screamed at and insulted.
And even more importantly why she thinks they should.

Also you both get to define your own relationship for yourselves. What works for you both may not work for anyone else. Don't let others define how your relationship should work. There are always a plethora of people willing to tell you what you should or should not do in a relationship. The specifics of your relationship are not the domain of anyone else. As long as you both feel loved, respected, safe and happy that's a pretty good relationship. Listen to yourself. Both of you. Be true to yourselves and hopefully in the end your truths will match. I wish you both the best of luck.

Very well written and good advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond. For now, all I know is, time will tell. This is something we've struggled with from the moment I moved in with her, nearly 18 months ago. We've discussed the issue, and I know I've done my part of the things we agreed to do in working on ourselves to prevent a repeat of these kinds of incidents. Honestly, I hope the issue doesn't come up again and I never have to make that choice. But as I said, time will tell. Until then I live and love in the moment and hope for positive change.

I load my 20 gauge and stand on the porch. lol sorry couldnt resist!

If its someone I don't know or care about I might blow up. I don't really harbor the anger but will rip you a new asshole if you fuck with me. If I love and care about you then I'll step away, think things over and decide the weight of them and or the best course of action.

I am the type of person that can get angry, blow up and in an hour its as if it never happened. I totally move on. I might be a bit more form with deception tho and although I forgive I rarely forget.

i like this from houstonhunny.

sometimes we need to be in the moment of anger. it may very well be our stand-up for ourselves time. say what we feel

but we know there's a line. we certainly can't let it get to mental and physical abuse.

and, sometimes we need to just walk away.

balance.

i wish you well, sassy.