First of all kudos for you for sharing, that was very brave of you. And that is the beginning of your healing journey. ((((((dancer)))))

Love never dies, but it can be toxic nonetheless. Sometimes it may not work out. You owe it to yourself and your family, past present and future family to take care of yourself. For a change of pace...

There are many kinds of abuse in this big ole world. Live and learn, get the help, there is a lot out there. Access those resources which abound in pretty much every community, unless you are in Timbuktwo, though they probably have em too.

Great suggestions here. All I can say is nothing is ever black and white. The oddest thing about abusers is they can come off to the outside world as the most polite and gracious people on earth, they can seem to be very loving people. I am speaking from the experiences of those I have met that have been incarcerated for their brutal crimes. As a nurse we get to interact with these folks and it is unnerving that they are often times the easiest of our patient load. Down right respectful to us for the most part. Though again, it is not black and white.

I have rarely seen an abuser change it's spots. But I do think people can change, including you. And ultimately that is who you are responsible to and for. Change must happen. In fact if you are not changing, growing... you are stagnating and that is akin to death.

Live. It is a choice as to how you want to do that, who you want to have in your life, what sort of home, career, family you will have. What vocations, passions you will persue and keeping those around you who support you in whatever your endeavors may be.

Be strong and know you can get thru this. You have a ton of support here and in your real life community, I am quite certain of that.

Lean on us, continue to vent, problem solve, and continue this amazing journey of self discovery. Remember that sometimes from our pain, comes our finest triumphs, our biggest lessons.

Take Care,
Di

Oh boy ! I won't sugar coat anything so here is my 2 cents worth. You said you couldn't believe this happened to you in the begining of your post, yet by the end you are entertaining the idea of maybe getting back with her. REALLY? She showed you who she is, why didn't you believe her the first time. You are what you do , plain and simple.
She has low self-esteem, she is insecure, abusive, clearly has a drinking problen that you don't seem to recognize, and she is unpredictable. Now what about that is so attractive to you ?
You need to tell her , not only NO BUT FUCK NO.
Why are you wasting your time giving this a moments thought. She has no respect for you and already bulldozed over many boundries. There are hundreds of awesome butches out there. Don't you deserve better?
Of course she wants you back, you already showed her you'll put up with her abuse. She is a needy coward, slam dunk her and choose better this time.

I don't think I could have said it any better.

Go, go now.

http://www.cchers.org/cap/about.html

please read link above
I chose this page because it shows what healthy relationships are like in comparison.

any form of abuse is a cycle
Control ,manipulation, threats, isolation can be just as painful as finding
yourself in a punching bag situation.

At 26, I met my dream woman. Beautiful ,perfect body,hot in the sack and dripping with charisma. There was not much I would not do for her.
I played chicken with a car ( she was threatening suicide), took a super heavy ,glass ashtray to the head, nearly got clocked and burnt with a frying pan full of hot grease, dodged a hot iron flying through the air, etc,etc.

The honeymoon (I'm so sorry, I will do whatever you want,I'll do treatment and therapy followed by romance for days and mindblowing sex) all kept me hooked, for nearly nine months.
She could charm the pants off of any butch ( for a minute) and last I heard all these years later is that she is still doing the exact same thing.

My self esteem was in the fucking gutter because I could not fix her.
I was too young to get that ,it was not my job.
Nothing I did was good enough and I never knew what I was coming home to.
My life was isolated because it was humuliating and no one would understand.
My escape route was my dog who spent more and more time cowering in the basement versus getting love from me/us/her (The crazy couple.)
I loved my dog and hated to see what it was doing to her.Later, I focused
on what it did to me.

When you question your own sanity, feel smothered, are manipulated by
suicide threats, embaressed by public scenes and never know what your
coming home to, you are in an emotionally, abusive relationship.
When your opinion or well being does not matter and is never up for consideration or a priority to that person, why are you still there?
When someone tries to burden the bulk of the realtionship on you to fix
and you are not allowed time for any self care, friends or pleasure time (of your choosing) accept it for what it is and get the hell out. That aint love.

I agree with Theo.

Hitting another person is wrong!

There is some wonderful advice here. Some of it I needed. :)

Being retired law enforcement, I have seen the cycle, the pain and the damage. They never mean it, and of course they'll change.....BULLSHIT! Don't just walk away from this, RUN! Jagg said it best for me.

:praying: I've never been in an abusive relationship. One (my first Butch) was sometimes cranky and too controlling, but she NEVER hit me.

I dated someone for awhile who made me crazy. Did you ever have crazy love? Seriously, did you? Well, this one was my crazy love. One night she made me so mad....I tore the coke-a-cola BEARS boxers right off of her, then kicked her in the ass.:| I was glad a few minutes later that I was bare footed when I swift kicked her.

To add insult to injury. I found out later, they were my boxers. I swear that butch made me nuts. Glad I wised up and got away from her. Because it was crazy love, it was hard to break it off.

Yes, therapy is imperative.

Possession of property??!

Your ex will only keep hitting you. Don't go back to her. Ever. Not only should you not go back to your ex, you shouldn't get into a relationship with ANYONE right now. You say you hit your ex. Get therapy and don't even think about starting with a new girlfriend until you learn some good relationship models.

Please contact your local domestic violence shelter for support. When/if she figures out/feels like she can't get you back with sweetness and promises, you will very likely be in danger again.

This website will let you search for the shelter in your area: http://www.womenshelters.org/

All domestic violence shelters also offer non-residential services, such as support groups, individual counseling, and legal advocates.

I believe , what that poster meant by that was

*"the love you to death" & "if I cant have you, no one else will" people
*controlling ,possessive folks who now own you( or feel like they do)

***amen, JAGG. amen...

get out NOW. RUN and Do Not Look Back.

Dancer, are you quoting what I posted earlier? If so, please elaborate...

I read the opening post a few hours before I posted.
Somehow, ( I think brainwashing by society and who normally hits who sterio type bs)
I did not remember the part of you hitting her at all.
This would have definately changed my post, had I retained the whole story.

In my experience ,I was in such shock it was happening to me I was unable to
do much other than protect my head from getting pummeled or dodge flying objects.
The shame of getting physically battered by a femme was huge for me.
I found out later commiserating with one of her ex's that she equated violence with love and wanted it in return. She hit her back and they were magically abusive together for five years. The incidents became more life threatening like jumping out on the freeway,
wielding weapons on each other,etc.


I did get therapy over this event and a few other (not so choice) times in my life.

So yes, get therapy. Your self esteem will grow, you wont be insecure if you learn to value and love yourself. You wont believe the bs that you are less than , if not in a relationship. You wont want to be violent yourself if you learn to deal with your own anger.

Do not stop to hit someone who you are trying to get away from. hellooooo

People really do die sometimes. Sometimes because they stay, sometimes when they leave and sometimes on the inside from being beat down for way too long.
Dont fuck around with your life. The truth is never gentle in abusive situations.

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

And you are wondering if you should give her another chance?

I think you just answered your own question...

and IMO anytime one partner hits another partner it is abuse... (Unless that's the way your dynamic is set up)

So you do not allow for self defense? I was supposed to allow her to drunkenly attack me??!

I didn't mean that to sound rude, at all. It's just that people keep saying I should have done something different, and I'm not sure what that was. I was screaming and crying, but no one came; I had no phone to call anyone; and I could not just "walk away" because she was trapping and following me, and/or pinning me down or putting her hand over my mouth. So what on earth else was I supposed to do, if I'm not allowed to ever lay a hand on anyone?