martina talks about grace. i'm looking for a word but that's not it. i'm going to think of grace for now until i find the word i'm searching for. there's a femmeness i feel. as i'm sure we all do, if we are women. anyway, i just don't have a lot of femme moments lol. is this one? nahh jk lol.

there's something about the way she moves, ... her mind, her love, her caring, her everything. what's that word i'm looking for!

i also liked "bring out the boy in me" by martina. not because i want a femme to bring out the boy in me. but that's part of what the butch/femme connection does. brings out parts of ourselves that say a butch/butch can't, or a femme/femme. she brings me!

so the first time i felt my femmeness, ... hasn't happened LOL. jk. i'm silly and it's late.

thank you all for sharing.

LOL I have no grace. In fact, my nickname used to be Grace because I'm such an ungraceful klutz!

Someone should have sent me to charm school!

I only have an issue when I am in the general lesbian community. Then I am questioned or looked at weird or am misunderstood. I am not involved in the butch femme community in San Diego here very much at all because have not really found the pocket of folks yet. Instead, we hang out with people in the general lesbian population who are great, but it's nice to have that time with my femme sisters who I can really relate with. I keep saying I am going to try to find the BF people by organizing events, and then I get busy, hopefully soon!!

I work with many lesbians in my profession, but no femmes. They are all nice and everything but I am always the outsider. They don't understand me and my relationship with Lisa (Justin). They don't understand why I am attracted to butches and why I don't like pretty girls. We go round and round, but it's all good. There is a new office romance between two girlie girls and it's all the rage. They are always running off in the lunch room together, taking breaks together, scheduling shifts together. They boggle mind just as much as I boggle theirs! I always think... Who opens the door for who? Who pays for dinner? Who is the top? Who holds who's hand? Hahahha. I will ask them soon... Time for me to do the grilling!!!!!!! Tables are turning!!!

:-D

Starry, I love this! I can so relate:)

It was one of the most difficult things for me with my femme.

Maybe it is because I was socialized in my former life with men to let them do the initiating but I came across this all the time with her!

In the beginning we would both sit and look at each other, wanting to make love but having no clue how to "start".

I finally was pushed into more of a top role but that really was not me and never felt comfortable at all. Yes, I know there are plenty of alpha femme tops but I am not one of them (kind of a switch but that is another story).

:)

This whole post is wonderful, but especially the highlighted part!!

I'd love to be a butterfly on the wall when that happened. Thanks for sharing Starry

It's my own sterotype. I have my own perceptions on how things should be based on how I live my life. I am no different than them I suppose!

I'm glad this thread is here.

I think people's identities are all so unique.

If someone takes credit for liberating or waking up or setting free the femme in you, beware.

That honor is yours only.

Anyway, that's what I believe.

This is wonderful! Thank you for posting this!

ADG

Hmmm.
 

I find that most people who ignorantly ask if I'm with mine that they're so stuck on straight privilege that they forget their manners. It's rude, unprofesional, and ignorant.


As for the check it's 9 times out of 10 handed to me, I tend to make it very clear in the world who's Master & Commander of our voyage in the world.

i find the patrons are way more rude/ignorant than most waitstaff. i suppose the staff are so cautious about making assumptions that they just stumble at times.

We love road trips!
 

We're foodie, traveling, food truck experiencing kinda folk so with patrons it regional .



When we've travelled out West, up North our dynamic wasn't a biggie with staff or patrons we can either enjoy our meal as a couple or as a family.


In Wyoming and The South regardless of how deep it is staff and patrons are down right rude, imposing, and irritating.


I'm not a fan of having my experiences in life ruined by isms from anyone I'm handing my money to. If you're stupid enough to stare as I walk through to be seated I'm going to br vocally expressive and ask that they mind their business. If it's not a known Queer safe establishment or town I'm pretty prepared to deal with idiots in a calm demeanor. That goes out the window if the man cub is around and anyone chooses to cross into our space. It's not pretty but it's something not new when it comes to assholes.

I should start with a bit of a warning... I am tired today.

Embracing my femmeness is recent. Like the pendulum swung in the femme direction and hovers there now. I've spent most of my adult life being blah (my own word since I really tried not to stand out), middle of the road, androgynous looking. I've not questioned my connection to being a woman. Overall, I've felt no disconnect from the body I was born into (my eyelashes are very thin and I don't like that since it is strictly out of proportion to the rest of my bodies dimensions).

These days I don't mind standing out and being more "girly" looking. Dressing in a way that feels good to me. I am very tired of the assumptions that go with the "girly" look. This may be one of the reasons I didn't dress this way before that I forgot.

Assumptions that irritate me:
1. that I am straight. travel with a child and good luck ever being seen when standing without at another queer person around you to stimulate the question of is she?

2. that I am more concerned with how I and others look than ideas/thoughts. My brain is so much more important to me than my body when it comes to how I want people to experience me. It is what I focus on in getting to know other people.

3. the but you are so girly looks/statements when I speak about feminism, sexism, classism, and racism. People share their -isms more openly, as if I will condone them or something. I am sure I am not adequately describing this phenomenon but it freaks me out. the oh I thought you'd be okay with it looks or statements.

4. my dry and subtle sarcasm is totally misunderstood more now than it was before. I really don't want to change that part of me so I use more disclaimers which totally ruins the punch line or the thought provoking nature of saying the exact opposite of what I really think with a straight expressionless face.

Being at work really highlights how femme I am and how femme I am not. That maybe because I work in a very weird section of the state. I am considering going for the hippy look. Just so people won't be so limiting. I am currently experiencing considerable femme angst right now.

Yaknow i thought it was just me but i have noticed a difference in wait staff in regions.

Even in the language they use to address us.

......
 

The south in all it's deepness drives me absolutely fucking nuts with the obnoxious patron/staff familiars...


The assignment of labels such as "ladies", "missies", "honeys" drive me nuts and ruin my going out experience.

I prefer my dining/outing experiences not to turn into forced uncomfortable spaces because their service people aren't trained properly. I'm a fan of comment cards:).

Terrified in Texas
 

Thank you, spritzerJ for including this comment in your experience as it describes my state regularly these days.

I come from a long line of low-level military enlisted and garbage men. I relate to the men in my family much more than to the women. I was taught to survive in this world by a hand-to hand combat specialist. He was a Marine who was parceled out to Navy Seals and Army Rangers and Air Force pilots. He taught people how to kill face-to-face once all other options had been depleted. My body was raised by my mother, a sporty tennis player type, however, my spirit was raised by my father.

6’2” and chiseled he was man who could not embrace his own sexuality. He was remarkably strong yet simultaneously excruciatingly weak. As I look back on growing up and examine how I got to who/where I am today, I see that my father was the one who had the most impact on my psyche thus, I absorbed many of his traits. This sponging of my father was both good and bad. Mostly bad. I have fought his effects on me and ultimately had to find my true self on my own, as we all do. Still searching, by the way.

Okay, so sometimes I do curse like a longshoreman. I have found that this trait is usually a turn-off for many a butch and some of my femme sisters too. I love butches but I feel that butches are not attracted to me. Oh yeah, they are on the surface. I’m curvy, I look nice in a dress, wear heels on occasion (the right occasions) and wear make-up, blah blah blah. I like to do these things as I feel more comfortable in my own skin when I do. But, when it comes down to my need for intellectual conversation, or someone who likes my mind for what it is, someone who just “gets” me…nope. The butches run. Every single relationship I have ever had with a butch has failed miserably. This is not easy for me to reveal here on this website half-populated with butches, some who I think are attractive and whom I look forward to meeting in September or whenever. What I find ends up happening is that I sometimes clam up around people, butches and femmes alike, as when I allow myself to be just me, I feel I am rejected. I am so sick of feeling rejected by my members of my own culture. (I use the word feeling in the previous sentence because being may not actually be accurate and I can accept, and do recognize, that I am living in a world of my own perception.)

On the topic of the outside world and those who think I am straight by the way I look. I could give a f... (there I go again.) I don’t even feel accepted by my own culture, and I am way more concerned about that than whether or not some het at the grocery store sees me for who/what I am. What I don’t like at the grocery store is when I see a butch and try to catch their eye. They turn away and purposefully do not make eye contact with me…and this is a direct result of how I look. I am a femme stuck inside a soccer mom’s body and I am invisible to the people to whom I want to most be visible. I had one butch tell me it’s because I look so straight that I am shunned by the public butch. That too many butches-at-large have succumbed to a het woman’s experimental desires and melted at their deadly charms. Then they get hurt or feel duped and so they shy away from a public femme smile. Just a warm “I see you” smile. Holy hen shit, I don’t want to jump in your pants just because I smiled at you. But that is what it feels like to me, that I am shunned because I am femme. I am so presently, in my mind, femme that I find it hard to step outside myself at every moment and see myself the way the world might be seeing me at that given moment. Sheesh, it’s exhausting. So, I feel rejected every time. Wah wah, f’in wah…right? Shut up, Bleu, no one wants to hear your whiney shit…

I have lived 43 years mentally beaten about how I look. As a small girl, up to 12ish, I was androgynous. Most people thought my brother and I were brothers. I acted like a boy and I fought beside him with boys, as a boy. I was a transgendered child. Then by junior high school I was the girl who blossomed WAY too quickly, having to go with my mother to the ladies section of the department stores to purchase expensive foundation to “reign” them in. Coming out...an OMG! 27 year journey in a few sentences...I tried butch for a while as I somehow equated being a strong lesbian as presenting to the world as a “don’t f... with me” butch. Honestly, I liked how I was treated by folks in the het world as a butch, then realized I was not attracting to me the butches whom I wanted so much to like me. I slowly morphed into a femme and here I am today. I mostly like being femme. But I really just want to be liked and loved for who I am on the inside. Some friends on here have laughed with me about what percentage butch I am…2.5% is the consensus. One certain femme friend called me a futch…cute! On my profile I use the phrase, reluctant femme. I am asked about that on occasion and I have a fairly standard answer stemming around labels, but in writing this, I find I might be more accurate to just state that I acquiesce to myself.

I want to say that the phenomenon I was referencing is like their internal dialogue was "Hay I "accepted your queer now be fair and accept my -ism".

I'm not usually so grouchy. I just keep trying to mentally scrub myself from the first week back to school and the work BS.

There can be beautiful femme experiences. I've had them with Stoney. Hy takes the time to enjoy my presentation in looks and adores my mind.

When you describe how Syr eats at the truck stop so peacefully that is how I want to feel about being femme. Comfortable enough in how I look so where ever I go my mannerisms convey that there is no point to trying to limit me based on looks. And thus begins the we live in a sexist world carousel in my head.