I say mean things sometimes. But I can vow that they are true things. And when i say a mean true thing, its something that needed said. And said that way. I only get mean when people dont hear me say things nicely. I had a wonderful therapist who actually showed me that when I say mean things, its because all my other efforts to being heard went unheard. Or disregarded. Ignored.

I have also discovered about this process, that if I am at this point, I need to leave. So I say what I must, how I must, and then I leave. In the past, it was much more emotional, dramatic and explosive. Now, its simply matter of fact and away I go.

Rare is it a case when I accidentally or unintentionally hurt someone's feelings with something I said. I examine where I went wrong. Sometimes it wasnt me. Sometimes they hear or interpret differently than I intended. But sometimes its my fault. And then I am aghast at the hurt I have caused.

When someone hurts me, if its intentional, I can be savage in response. Not necessarily verbally violent (tho I have been with a few people who have deserved it quite well) but pointed, sharp, and hard. If its not intentional, I am most able to shake it off and forgive and move on quickly. Both serve me well in coping with hurt.

Other people lashing out at me -- usually I let it go. Occasionally, I will hang on to something. I do not think that the incidents I remember are necessarily the worst ones, but the ones that maybe align with my own fears about who I am at my worst.

People who actually threaten me -- there is no coming back from that. But if the person is basically acting out their own shit, I try to take care of myself in the moment (easier said than done), be a little more cautious around them for a while, and then let it go. I actually have no problem letting it go. It's too boring to hold on to stuff for long. I do try not to give anyone permission to repeatedly be hurtful or rude.

I am honest and police my own boundaries. I have only had a few times in my life when anxiety or change or something caused me to be different from that -- meaning I asked to be treated like shit.

In terms of my hurting others, I hate it. And I tend to have some sensitive friends and lovers. So when it happens, I feel terrible. I basically had to tell someone recently that I was not going to factor in their preferences in a personal decision I am making. They had no right to ask me to -- and shouldn't have. I basically said sorry, not going to. But I should have been gentler. I hate that. It pushed her away a little. I sure didn't intend that. On the other hand, she probably won't try to influence my personal decisions again. We'll see.

In a serious discussion or a professional situation, I pull no punches. People who know me also know that. So if they want to get serious about politics or education, then they better be able to be real. I am not here to make people feel better about themselves (except when I am). If someone feels a little bruised after a frank discussion, I don't give it a second thought. It's not my problem. In truth, I don't care much about whether people like me or not. I have people in my life who adore me. I have colleagues who respect me. I don't really care if I am loved by folks outside my close community. I do try to be kind, but I don't massage people's egos for no good reason. I don't know if that is the same as being harsh or rude, but it may look that way sometimes.

I also hate injustice and will call it out, sometimes harshly. That has caused some hurt feelings and some consequences for me. I have had a few bosses who knew I didn't respect them. I should have just laid low. Very very hard for me to do, especially if something real is at stake.

If I have deliberately hurt someone, I do regret that. I usually apologize and understand that the damage is probably not going to go away quickly. Hard to face. But it happens.

Someone in my life -- a colleague -- is intrusive. I mean, BAD intrusive. Literally as well as figuratively. I will open a drawer in my desk, and she will reach her hand in and grab something. She can't keep her hands off anything I keep on top of my desk. She lets me know what she thinks of any behavior of mine that gets her attention. There are times I just stop her -- cold. She is usually silent for an hour afterwards and then snaps out of it. Being gentle with her would have no effect. But putting a stop to something hurts her feelings. There's no way to win. So I tolerate most of it -- because I don't care that much. But when it's too much, I let her know. It must happen to her with other folks. I mean she is really bad about this.

The irony is that she thinks that I am the best teacher on the planet and that I am gifted with children, etc. She sings my praises at every opportunity. It's very weird to have these harsh judgmental comments coming at you from someone you know also likes and respects you. That, of course, makes it easier to tolerate. But sometimes, it's just too much.

Very recently, she told me that I couldn't do something I was used to doing, that it was against the rules and I would get in trouble for it. I told her that it wasn't against the rules. So she yelled. She more or less said that any idiot would know that one could not do that thing, yadda yadda. Well within thirty minutes, an administrator stopped by and she asked her. The admin told her that no, this thing was NOT against the rules, that, in fact, most teachers were doing it that way, etc. Silence. No apology. Nothing. That's just her.

BUT, a more generous and kind-hearted person you will never meet. Nor will you meet a more bossy, opinionated and rude person. I sort of dreaded coming back to school this fall a little because I knew I would have to get my guard up again to deal with her. But it's been fine.

I'm very laid back! I tend to let things roll off my back and not take stuff to personally!

I try hard to be PC or to say things in a diplomatic way. That said, I'm a Sagittarius and so I often speak before I think, and I can be blunt, which leads me to apologizing fairly often. I try to apologize if I notice offense; I rarely mean offense.

If someone offends me, I rarely say anything about it. Most of the time, it's not worth it to me. I am also rarely offended. I tend to be easy-going and just let stuff roll off my back. People have bad days, foul moods, etc.

I am a thinker, that comes with it's benefits and it's drawbacks...one of the benefits is that I often think before I speak. So, when I do say something it has usually been run through my mind a zillion times so that I can say what I want to say in a constructive way...I rarely lash out...and in the heat of an argument if I can't think of something to say without hurt...I will leave and come back to it.

If someone should say something to me in a hurtful way...and it is meant to hurt me.....I shut down....and most likely won't contact them until they choose to contact me and then I will listen...being a communicator I try to surround myself with people who can communicate in a caring, thoughtful way.

I heard this saying years ago, and I try to apply it in my life...before saying something to somebody, first determine these things...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If these three things do not apply, say nothing.

This is an excellent saying I agree! Now if ONLY we lived in a perfect world where we could always practice this.

Interesting post.

If I lash out with words they are deserved because for me like another poster I have already thought it through, so many different scenarios and given enough chances for that person to either back off, walk away or make effort to change.

I rarely use words when I do I'm fully aware of the damage I cause because of intuitive nature when I'm around people. Sometimes there is no going back if I have used words.

I'm fully aware of my ability to hurt with words and therefore I use silence as part of the arsenal. Silence is a communicator of high regard but very rarely used. Silence can say so much more than any words because it is felt more deeply.

I'm an analyser, insightful, tolerant person and a forgiver and this has meant that when people hurt me I don't allow them to see it. The only time they will see it is when I have walked away and I have walked even when I still love them.

I have been asked by two exes 'why' and though I said partial truths I still protect them because some hurts no matter how genuine the remorse over the hurt they remain with a person no matter how much they like to think it doesn't.

I have done this with friendships too for the same reasons.

I do not think that I have ever thrown anything back at a person in anger that is something that they shared with me about their vulnerable self.

No attacks on their person, their hopes and dreams or something personal about themselves that they struggle with.

In short: no hits below the belt.

I have had it happen to me and they are the kind of things that I can never get out of my mind or my head.

I shut down if it is really hurtful.

It is a long-term behavior for me that I learned in childhood.

I can almost feel myself turning inward like a shell clamping down over my heart.

My recent ex did it so often, I wound up not being able to open my shell to her anymore.

I don't know if I have learned any lessons. I am working hard to understand what very early red flags are so I don't get sucked into something not good again.

((((( anya ))))) i'm sry u had to deal w/ all that b/s ~ even tho I have never met you I can tell your awesome :) cover your butt on Valentines Day u need to heal lol arrow shots hurt ** rubs butt **

Anya, I think you've homed in on an integral aspect of personal and interpersonal communication.... the part where you mention that people step back from hitting below the belt, to stop attacking a another's dreams or hopes or any aspect of privately talked-about vulnerability.

That is a huge red flag, the person who attacks your character, your dreams hopes and desires.

The person who speaks to you while fully regarding your personhood? The person who is gentle, loving and kind? The person who does not need to destroy your confidence? Those types of people are the people who care about you, who won't put their pride above yours or let their pride dictate the process.

I think you should treat yourself kindly.
And, I hope the winter holidays bring you special memories.

Hang in there, ok?
Wishing you the very best! :rrose:

I have been so fortunate in my life to have loved people that loved themselves enough to fight fair and not want to cause me pain. People that have respect for me, and truly want me to grow and be happy.

I say I have been fortunate, because people are very good at hiding their most unloveable/hate the world/want to make others feel the pain selves. Even if you know someone for several years, it is mostly a leap of faith when you partner with another person and open your heart.

You have proven once again that there is nothing wrong with you or your judgement. Despite (or because of) the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents, despite the faithlessness of your long term ex, in spite of your most recent ex being cruel and unkind, you keep opening your heart and seeing the good that resides in most people.

You are not broken because you can love...you loved yourself enough to leave.

I just sent you a pm that was meant for Anya...sorry!

So this week has really be filled with drama. Maybe I should say that since meeting this person it has been.

She and I were close but not dating. I was a supportive friend. She began dating someone I gave congratulations and wish d them the best. Unfortunately it didn't last long really it was off but the other would threatened to harm themselves if she broke up with them.

She asked me to block the ex and I did. I didn't know her and really didn't want that BS in my life.

Well it has been ramping up the last month a d this week it really got to a jumping off place.

The ex started texting me from 4 different numbers with all kinds of garbage. I finally had my fill and let her have it.

Needless to say I lost a friend not because I let her have it but because I did as she asked. But she refused to see that.

I know ppl who r abusers can only NOT abuse for a short time and it will start again.

I didn't say anything negative about my friend don't get me wrong I wanted to. And I seriously doubt I will ever take anything back I said to on again off again gf.

What I regret is that I said anything at all to her to start with. It hurts that I was seeing her hurt so much and I wanted it to stop.

I know you can point out the trees but you can't make them see the forest