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I just wanted to share this link with my fellow adoptees: http://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/
Joining is a bit of a process, but I think It's worth it because knowing you are not alone in your feelings/experiences can be so healing. I would add that the general tenor of these forums is pretty anti-adoption. Like, It's making me ask myself if I am suppressing a bunch of anger or if I already processed it and just can't recall It's intensity now . . . |
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Fellow Adoptees! You are wanted and accepted and loved here, no matter what your upbringing was.
Our society needs to catch up with us. Screw "being born out of wedlock" and being a "bastard child". We are more than that, and it is society that is a failure in this regard up, not us. (f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f)(f) |
Adoptees
My name, it is a good name but it is not me. I met my birth father but I don't like his name either. I am 1/4 Cherokee maybe they have a name for me but I may not like that either.
I recently learned that some folks have a rich history in their name, I wish that I had that too. :cowboy: |
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I am being sent a free DNA kit from a woman, who is helping me in my search for my birth father, she said its a bit older so if it doesn't work well, they will send a new one to me or her.
I am not for sure this man is my birth father but I am going to put my dna on the registry and see what happens. I am getting a ton of backlash for doing this, a majority of the people in my life are against me doing this, I think to save me from getting hurt. That needs to stop I'm 42 years old, I can manage. |
MY DNA IS HERE, ITS HERE ITS HERE ITS HERE!!!
Does lil jig around the room! I gotta register my kit before I spit and send it off! |
Ancestry received my sample on the 13th, it will take awhile to see if they get anything or if I have to redo my sample.
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My dad's youngest brother was adopted formally by my dad's mother's only living sister, whom could not have children. My dad's mother was married to an alcoholic, of epic proportion, and her husband died of alcoholism, back in the late 1930s, during the depression and before the outbreak of WW2. My dad and his twin, were the youngest of the brood of 9 siblings, when right after her husband died, she learned she was pregnant with my dad's youngest, not yet born, brother. She was SO poor, with being left to raise 9 kids on her own, and pregnant with her last, my dad's youngest brother, that her only sister hatched an idea. My dad's aunt's idea was for all of them to live with her and my uncle, while she took up doing laundry for prominent members of their community circle. When Dad's mom became ill with heart troubles and could no longer wash and hang laundry up to dry and iron it, she ended up in a long term Catholic home for the elderly and eventually died there, due to her heart condition (which no doctor had a remedy for). So, my great-aunt and uncle cared for all the kids and as my dad and his twin brother and other older brothers went off to serve in the war, the only kid left was my dad's youngest brother, whom my aunt and uncle formally adopted... *Because* … back then, there was tons of social shame for women to bear if you had to leave your husband or your husband left you or some other shameful social ill (in my dad's mother's case, it was her dead beat husband who literally died in a gutter with a bottle in his hand) and to prevent grotesque rumors, designed to impugn one's character, my aunt and uncle saved my dad and his siblings from being socially ruined by other's peoples ideas about x, y or z. Just a few years ago, my dad's youngest brother passed away from the same heart condition their mother had. At his funeral, my youngest brother (who attended), blurted out that Uncle Jerry was actually our dad's youngest brother. Relatives were so upset that the family 'secret' was revealed without their knowledge that our great-aunt and uncle had adopted Jerry to save the family from socially ruined by other peoples misguided knowledge about how any it came about. My great-aunt was concerned about her nieces and nephews reputations being sullied by people who would hold it against all the kids that their mother was horribly poor and couldn't afford to take care of any of them, until my aunt and uncle stepped in and brought all of them into their care, while their mother died an untimely death and to keep them from being separated out to any number of undisclosed locations. My great-aunt foresaw the social consequences that lay ahead for all of them and sought to protect them from not having a fair chance in life, free of socially generated untrue rumors or people mistreating them because of the social shame around their mother being so poor and dying an early death, right after their dad died of alcoholism. When we were growing up, it was Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jerry and their kids and us kids called each other cousins. And we were truly cousins; just not in the same vein as how they thought we were cousins. They thought of us as pretend cousins, when in actuality we actually were each other's cousin. What a mess, right? I don't think Jerry's side of the family is ultimately over finding out that they were actually our closest kin. They liked the pretend version of our family vs the reality of our family's history. Our dad and mom coached all of us kids to never let the family secret out that we knew we were actually related. Our great-aunt and uncle were still alive back then, but even after they passed and there was no reason for the family 'secret' to be kept hidden from others, it was a secret my youngest brother decided to end, when our dad's youngest brother passed away a few years ago. So I hear you and totally agree, that society needs to stop shaming others for their inability to present an immaculate picture perfect family. There's no such thing, and it would be so nice if people could come to show care and concern for others who don't have, or were not born into, a perfect life. |
Twenty five years ago my (trans) husband and I adopted three kids who had been our foster children, two boys and a girl. They all have the same mother. Five years later, we adopted their little brother who was not found when the other kids were put in foster care. They are stair-step kids. The youngest is only four years younger than the oldest. They were so beautiful and so healthy. How could their mother walk away from them? (leaving them alone on Christmas Eve, in Michigan, in a house with no heat, no running water, and no food.) She was an idiot in my opinion.
When my oldest son was 15, my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. It was the beginning of a very long stretch of misery for all of us. The boys began acting up, running away and getting in trouble with the Law. My youngest son, at age 14, was on the street one time for four months. I would see him almost every day because I would get up every morning and go to his school bus stop. He kept going to school, but he would not come home. He told me "I wish you had died and Dad was still alive." In my foster parent training I was taught that the kids we cared for trusted us. They knew they were safe with us, so we were the ones that got yelled at. I understood this, but his words, which he said many times, were still devastating to me. I know I was not the most effective parent at that point either. That is probably putting it mildly. Almost sixteen years have passed since Hubby died. The kids are grown. They all finished high school, but none would go to college. My daughter is married and has four of the most beautiful children in the world. She and her husband have been struggling to start a mobile car repair business. We talk every day, spend time together every week, and I adore her kids, my grandbabies. My middle son is a truck driver. He works 60 to 70 hours per week to earn a fairly decent living. He had a baby girl almost a year ago. He and the mother are no longer together but he cares for the child and is able to spend lots of time with her.Always seeking something better, he changes jobs at least twice a year. The youngest on the other hand, has worked at the same popular restaurant since about four months after he graduated in 2012. He has worked his way up to management, but he also works the 60 to 70 hour week. My oldest was in and out of prison for almost 10 years, but has done incredibly well since he was finally released three years . He has a good job, a live in girl friend and a beautiful baby. None of the boys are close to me. The two youngest share an apartment. I have never been invited to their place. They have never even given me their address, though I know basically where they live. They almost never come to my house, not even for holidays. My oldest son was very angry with me because I would not allow him to come live with me when he got out of prison. He lives out of state now. Both of us have worked to restore our relationship and we are fairly cordial at this point, texting each other with a comfortable frequency. My goals for my children were pretty basic. I wanted to keep them together as a family, and I wanted them to grow into independent adults. I hoped they would go to college so they wouldn't have to work so hard. They had other ideas. I have not given up on the idea of having a close knit family. My daughter and I both work to include the boys. Every once in a while we bridge the gap, but the going is slow to say the least. Wow, long text. This is a very painful thread for me to read, but I am glad it is here. I wish my kids were "hooked up" to a place where they could share as you all are doing here. Smooches, Keri |
Age to tell kids when they are adopted. I found out at 5, my life has been shit since, I'm grateful for my family and parents but my life is still shit. My mental health is horrible as well as other things which I feel is directly related to not knowing things.
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/a...-study/594496/ |
Adoptees
I contacted my sister today. She is not even my real sister she was adopted into my blood family. I miss my half brother and want to see him so she is the gate keeper. I am not even sure if my birth mom is still alive.
The entire situation is yucky. But I do have brothers and I want to see them. |
Adoptees
I found out last week that my birth mother passed. My birth father passed a few years ago.
It is a weird feeling because I met them. On my birth mother's side my great great grandmother was 100% Cherokee. What an honor to have her blood in my veins. I still have my birth siblings but we are not close. Life is weird sometimes. My mom does not even remember that I am adopted so it is the elephant in the room. |
So as I posted on another thread...
My dna was linked to several members of my biological fathers family... I have 3 more half sisters and 1 more half brother to add to my brood. In total this makes 14 half siblings.... With alot more nieces, nephews, greats. They do not live that far from me so hopefully a visit will be in order soon to hang out and meet these newbies.... My bio father passed in 1999 at age 48/49 of lung cancer. So I kinda have closure in a sense but still so many unanswered questions. |
Since both my bio parents are deceased, I am having some issues with my own identity of who I really am.
IDK if anyone else can relate, like you were raised by someone else but that isn't who you are, know what I mean? |
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Adoptees
Being adopted is a mixed bag for me. I will not speak for other adoptees just for me. I am so grateful that I was given a chance to live and not aborted. However, my life has felt transitory like I had no anchor. I think that it has shown up in my relationships with friends and partners. Everything is temporary to me.
I had a coworker back in the 80's (during my disco days) say to me "everyone can be replaced". I think that stuck with me because I was re replaced. Just a little insight into an adoptees world. |
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