Hopefully a bit of useful LDR info in my "book"....
 

You are right that some LDRs will fare better than others and some will not as 2 people in ANY relationship can be quite different. I personally believe this to be true about non-LDRs as well. LOL

There are things out there that help strengthen a LDR, or at least make it work until you are both at a point where a decision needs to be made (and only the two of you know what that timeline is). I do agree with what some of the others have said about going in to one with the same goal and being honest about your feelings on moving to be with each other.

I've been in several LDRs, a couple of them leading to a live-in situation eventually, and I think there are things you can do to enhance the experience while keeping a level head. It IS easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and rush in to something before you are both ready. It's much harder to take your time and really get to know one another.

I've spent countless hours on Skype because I feel it helps with communication more so than email, phone or text. It isn't perfect but it's nice to be able to see and talk to someone "in person". We watched a few tv shows/games at the same time but living in different states sometimes made that difficult (renting a movie would probably make more sense).

While it is important to include each other in the day to day normal stuff, you can overwhelm the person. Everyone needs down time and they would certainly be wanting and needing it if you lived together. Another good thing to keep in mind is that you both still need outside activities and friends (this will give you things to talk about if you have nightly conversations!). :)

I always cherished a good night phone call to tuck me in or a good morning text on the way to work. Those are the little things that help build your relationship when you can't be together. Equal time needs to be paid doing normal things when you are together. I was fortunate in my last LDR (we now live together) that we could visit one another somewhat regularly. We purposefully chose some weekends to not do anything special like go to an event or on a holiday, etc. so we could experience what it would be like to live together. If your ultimate goal is to do just that (and lots of communication should be taking place on it), then you need to see what it is like to live together in exciting times and boring ones, in good moments and bad.

The longer you are in a LDR, the more you both should be looking at options of who would move and why. The first time I moved was because his job was better but we hadn't been dating that long and it was too soon. We didn't know each other's quirks, I knew no one in my new state, and a multitude of other factors that did not weigh in our favor. I knew the second time around not to rush it and really take the time to get to know one another. I also knew that I wouldn't move until I found a job in my new location. Nothing spells disaster for a relationship quicker than money problems.

Being in the community and on the forums for years, I have seen SO many couples rush to take their LDR to the next level only to have it end a month or so later. All relationships take work, and a LDR just as much because you have to really work at being present with the other person even when you aren't. I learned a long time ago that open & honest communication is key but so is keeping your personal life out of the forums. This gives it a chance to develop on its own without other influences.

My advice to anyone in a LDR would be to take your time, enjoy the other person and what the relationship brings to your life. Have those fancy nights out on the town and the quiet evenings at home watching tv. Really get to know your mate - do they like to stay up late during the week and you have to get up early, do they eat fast food on the go when you want to cook a meal at home, how do they handle stresses from work... These are the things you two will have to deal with eventually and learning about deal breakers now could save you some heartache.

I would say I was a lucky one but only in that I found such a great guy. :) We have both worked and continue to work on our relationship every day. We took our time and dated for a couple years before I moved and I think that has benefited us greatly.

Long Distance Relations
 

I was in one and its not for me I do have respect for those who can and are willing to do it I do not mind traveling 1 to 2 hours more than that not doing it If it gets serious and we are in love somebody gonna move Good luck to all of you

I have been in a LDR before, and really wasn't looking for one again. I want and NEED the ability to touch and be touched on a regular basis, to be able to read that person's responses when they are speaking to me, moreso what I can gain from pixels on a screen or a voice over a cell phone.

That being said, earlier this year I took the plunge and registered with a couple of online sites. I was mainly looking for someone to just hang out with occasionally, for dinners or movies or fishing, etc. I had made the decision that my new business and all the chaos with my family was WAY too much and too stressful to begin a new relationship. One where I KNOW I would want to have the woman up my butt, so to speak, and me hers. Just too busy, with me working sometimes 18-20 hrs per day. 7 days a week. Sheesh!

So who do I see? A butch whose profile stated that she was an over-the-road truck driver, and who ONLY would make it home 3-4 days per month!! I don't think I could have found a more perfect arrangement, you know? And when I met her, the chemistry and interests just FIT.

So we find ourselves in a very similar situation as other people in LDRs. Sometimes her "LD" is the next state over, sometimes she is across the country from me. Her schedule this time, for example, kept her from being here for my birthday today, and she will be gone for her birthday on the 28th. But damnit, she is due to roll in on the 29th, so we will have 4 glorious days together to celebrate then!

On the days just prior to her getting here I will work my ass off trying to get as much work done as I can, so I can take a break or at least delegate some of the work, so I can have a bit of time devoted to her and to us. But she understands that I am a business owner, and there might be (ok, probably will be!) interruptions.

While she is out on the road, I track her route with her, and watch the weather channel to track possible storms. Texting and talking before gong to bed works great whenever we can. (sometimes her schedule makes it that she has to be sleeping early evening in order to hit the road with a new load at 2AM) We do the phone sex thing (fun!),and I am lucky enough to have a pretty good body "memory" of her.

We did the LD thing during college. I went to Chatham in Pittsburgh, she was at St. Ben's in Minnesota. We saw each other during breaks (sometimes) but keeping the flame took work.

For all the LDRs out there.



You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer

You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care, I need you right here, right now
I need you right here right now, down by my side

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can.

I was looking at resources/ideas for couples in LDR and come across these:

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-D...ationship-Work

http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/t...uplestodo.html

http://www.someecards.com/flirting-c...ent-today/6/20

http://www.lovingyou.com/articles/84...distance-lover

http://www.thetravelingjournal.com/shop/

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_2...ting_girl.html

http://www.ivillage.com/global/searc...tnav%3ASearch=

http://howtolongdistancerelationship...sful-long.html

This one is particularly fun, you put in your names and some details and a story is created: http://www.hoochymail.com/

LDRs can work if you both are honest and you have some kind of goal for someone relocating within 2 years

i argree with you on this.. honest and trust are big ones, to be able to feel secure when your partner lives more then 1/2 a days drive. guess honest and trust work the same or you get one when you have the other. plus cominucation!

I was married for 10 years
 

after 8 years I moved back to VA. I "thought" she would move with me someday after retiring....then she basically said "Hell no, I'll never leave______' So, since I was emotioanlly SO over ______ we tried the LDR thing. I thought "foolishly apparently" that it was working out. I flew her up here every month & then she said..."Nope, I'm looking for someone else. I want someone HERE in _______ full time. Well, she's yet to find anyone from _____...LOL...& I haven't been looking cause I'm not ready....I refuse to just jump into another relationship to fill the void, but then, I'm not afraid or concerned about being alone. I use my alone time to try & better myself..not rush off to find someone else. I have done that in my past & it never works, & quite frankly it's not fair to the other person.

She & I still love each other dearly & always will. I just can't stand living in _______ & she won't leave so, after 10 years the divorce papers got signed & now we're both free.......from my side..it sucks! Such is life.

No, I won't be trying the LDR again thanks. If I couldn't make it work after living with my wife for 8 yrs in...then f*ck it!

I wish others well though..It's nice to hear when things work out...<warm smile>...

Jonathan

Hmmmm....
 

This has to be the most soulful meaningful type of relationship. It certainly shows the limits of the heart and mind. Constant care and it often times it's too out of reach. Then there are times when in a different way, you can feel and touch as if that person was with you all along. I did this several times. It's a lot of stamina, determination, will, trust and patience. Depending upon the distance, it's also very expensive if one can't wait endless weeks or months before another visitation. Is it worth it? Personally, I am not so sure...but, willing to go another round.

LDR
 

Your wills have to be as strong as iron
Love stronger then the foundations of the earth..
that's rare

It's damned hardwork to do this. It takes a level of commitment and trust different than when you know you can have dinner sometime next week. We use our available tools, chat, text, skype, daily. We talk about the little things, "can you believe so and so did this?" and we talk about the BIG things "teenager gone awry" It doesn't matter what it is we COMMUNICATE. Good days, bad days, we communicate. We also have our rituals, that remind us of our connection. sylvie and I are close to being together for 2 years. We have goals and an abundant amount of patience. We laugh and cry together. We are PRESENT. LDR's aren't for the feint of heart. Being patient enough to let life do it's thing is so important. I am invested in our life together and every step we take towards that. You never KNOW until you TRY.

LDR
 

I can see it is going to be tough but i am willing to work at this.The trust is already there and that is a big deal to us both.I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting for the phone to ring knowing the conversation will bring laughs and things to think about.She is worth the time and effort and so am I.

LDR
 

Not for me.

Greco

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

I agree with a lot of what you said but I do have to disagree that "it's not possible end of story". I think it all depends on the individual and how they view relationships and love. My reply is based only on what works for me and I am in no way speaking for anyone else, or saying that you are wrong. I am only saying that I disagree.

I tend to avoid falling in love and do not long to fall in love. That being said, for ME to fall in love there needs to be an intellectual connection and spiritual connection that exists outside of the physical. This has a lot to do with my past and my life experiences. I do admit that I am a bit on the unconventional side when it comes to love and relationships.

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did. Granted, I was already in the relationship before I took the job, but having the forced online relationship actually brought us closer together. Since we couldn't be physically close we spent a lot of time talking about our hopes, dreams, fears, etc. It made for a much deeper connection than we were able to get being physically close (not referring to sex) during the previous 3 years. Like I said above, I need that intellectual and spiritual connection. If I do not fall in love with your mind and personality I will not fall in love with you. Physical proximity and closeness are needed, yes. But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

I do agree that physically meeting someone has a lot of value and merit and I know what you mean about looking into someone's eyes. But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person. But again, let me reiterate that I am speaking for myself only and I know not everyone feels the same.

I do thank you for your views and I look forward to hearing others' views as well. And I welcome any dissenting opinions to my own. Disagreeing and discussing it is how we learn and grow.

Everyone has their own definition of what real love is. My idea of relationship is different from someone else. We all require something different. But I do believe in order for a relationship to fully mature you must be in the same space. You can build, learn and nurture long distance.

That one episode of Catfish where she had been doing it for 10 years was sad and ridiculous. Personally if someone can't see me within 3 months then they aren't trying hard enough. I'm just not going to invest a year of my life hoping something comes of it. I know that some people have declined dating me because I could not ever consider relocating- I have the farm, my business and my granddaughter. But the right circumstances could present and the reality is I could. I could move my business and hopefully relocate my family. Tho this is pretty unlikely.

But if we met and spent time together and all the magic is there then you make things happen.

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

I could easily do this type of LDR. I'm so busy during the week anyhow. I'm dating now and they visit me 3 days a month and longer on holidays. This is because of distance and work. Its 8 hours. If it was only a few hours I'd want to see them every weekend.

i think that LDR work if both parties are involved at the same level. Trust, commitment, friendship. Rare findings in a small little package.

i believe that if you work hard, play nice and enjoy the scenery together that it will all work it self out.

there are times when eye contact is immediate, but on an all in all basis keep your trust level high.

set your goals evenly and love genuinely.

My girlfriend lives about 18 miles from me.

It takes about 20-25 minutes to her house (or her to mine).

In the greater LA area, that's what we call living around the block.

I like it.

I don't mix well with LDR. I need to be with the person I am seeing, go out on dates, watch movies together, snuggle together, etc. I have had one LDR in the past, and knowing this about myself, I realize in retrospect it wasn't fair to the person who was ok with it. I learned alot about myself from this experience.

I live with my partner, now so no issues there. We only lived a few hours apart when we met, so it wasn't too bad. But, we Uhauled (not really, we rented a huge SUV, lol) after being together for about a year, and it's been happily ever after. We even bought a puppy together! Haha :)

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

Easily confused or playing semantics I'm not sure which.

However, by real life, I mean experienced some time together in close physical proximity (that doesn't mean sex, just in case you are confused again).

A working relationship is vastly different to an emotional, one-on-one relationship. Your question surely wasn't about maintaining communication? Rather, it was about falling in love. Those attributes are vastly different to functional workplace communication.


So can I i.e. I loved my young nephew from the day he was born and I first saw his photo, even if I didn't meet him for some months. However, that's not falling in live.



That's fine and I agree with this. However, I equally maintain that no one can fall in love, at least not in a healthy manner, with someone they haven't met.

Might be a strong crush or an obsession but I don't see it as love.

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

I do not know if I could do another LDR, meaning someone I could not see several times a month at least or had to fly on a plane to see. It's a lot of work both physically and emotionally. I am not saying that it's not worth it with some people or that others shouldn't try doing it. I think if you like/love someone, go for it. I am an advocate for finding love and if that love is a thousand miles away, make it happen. I am just not sure I can do that anymore although rules are always made to be broken I suppose.

As far as falling in love by chatting/texting/skyping/etc... I believe that is possible. It has happened to me before and I cannot say it won't happen again even if I try to make it not happen like that. The heart does what the heart wants. So do I think I can fall in love with you, your personality, your interactions, your mannerisms, your life, your history before I meet the physical you... yes I do. It's those things that keep people in relationships. I know you have to be physically attracted to someone to a point as well but that's what Skype is for if you cannot meet right away.

I will always be supportive of those who want to try LDRs.. but I agree with some of the others in saying that you cannot have broken promises of being together. You have to mean what you say. That's an essential part of what can make it work.

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.


I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.




To me, it's not about sex or physical intimacy in that sense (I'm on record on this site as saying that I generally don't like having sex with those I'm in love with as I detach sex from love) so it's not about separating emotion from physical love, as I invariably do that anyway.


Furthermore, I agree relationships can start out online / remotely etc. However, there's a very stark difference to me between flirting and communicating remotely which can lead to a relationship and actually "falling in love" through this remote interaction.



In my recent posts on this thread, I have not been discussing the pros or otherwise of LDRs and I had some of these in the past (in fact, the lady from my longest-term LDR travels from San Diego in 48 hours to spend Christmas with me here in the British Isles).

Rather, the issue I'm discussing is falling in love before meeting someone and I maintain that it's not grounded. I haven't done this and I'm hopeful that I won't ever as there's a layer of "genuine" that can be missing from solely online or other forms of media communication.

So, no I haven't been duped on line - equally, I won't be falling in love online either. To me it's "falling in love" with an image or shadow, not a person.

It's too easy for people online to portray an image that's different from reality ..... and it's not about physical features but where they live, conditions in which they live, how they really behave (it's easy to be nice on a few skype calls and texts a week, harder in real life when working 24/7 and struggling to pay bills etc).

For me I think there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone.
Now have I fallen "in" love with someone that I have never met before I met them oh I am sure I have. Yet, each one I look back on I can pin point pretty much exactly when I fell "in" love with this person and it usually has occurred during a time spent together.

You will never find me bad mouthing LDRs or saying they are not real or possible. I have had to many that prove they are and can be both. I do disagree that it is easy to pretend to be something your not with text, Skype, and phone calls...is it different sure it is different.

Yet, if I only had good contact with someone I would wonder if they were human...everyone has bad days and moments and they come through in online contact. I know for me there is no way I could pretend I was having a good day even for a few min. let alone each and every time I contacted someone especially if something big or stressful happened that day.

I think it is possible history is full of it....yet, I do think there is a difference between being "in" love with someone and loving someone..I do not think that is just semantics either. I know for me I love someone before I fall in love with them. I also know I ask the woman I am with which she is feeling and if she answers with the "in" I do ask when it happened for her. I can also love someone and never fall "in" love with this person.

Just my thoughts....

I'm sure that if we skype 6 hours a night for a week or two, you will be certain of it. ;)