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(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.
i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him. It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it! |
Today has been such a terribly emotional kinda day again..
i always think i'm strong enough to handle seeing people eat things i'm abstinent from - i put the brave face on... and then when i'm home - i break down & am SO hard on myself.. it's so f*cking hard some days -:watereyes: i'm calling for counselling tomorrow |
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The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only.... he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe.. Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail... So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him.. He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now.. Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be.. i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it? So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me.. Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me.. So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity.. thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on.. |
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have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/ You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go? it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to 1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body 2. find a nutritionist 3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!" |
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counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately.. So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out. i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually.. the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens... i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though.. i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs))) |
PS - to those who have PM'd me & emailed me, i will be responding sooooon.. i don't have time to tonight and tomorrow i'm taking a daytrip to get some things done for my trip to Oregon, but i will sit and respond soon as i can, just didn't want you all to think i forgot about you's.. And sooo appreciate the advice, the encouragement and YOU!
(((biggest hugggs))) |
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my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there! |
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Sadly, they've nothing to offer counsellingwise where eating disorders are concerned, but, i am working with a dietician, going to my OA meetings and will do the different courses they're offering me.. One is called Crisis & Skills, which deals with everything from stress to being mindful to relaxation breathing, etc.. It's every Monday afternoon.. And then i will be starting another course called Craving Change, which is helpful in changing eating habits and wanting to lose weight etc.. So, even if they aren't eating disorder oriented, they have tools i can use for sure.. There are other courses available too , like self esteem and things like that which i will work on as well in time, don't want to do everything at once and overwhelm myself.. One course at a time.. i have a doctor's appt on Sept 21st, to get my test results and will ask her to refer me someplace for counselling in hopes she knows someplace else that can help, and if not, i'll break down and go through my insurance, they'll cover 80%, so that won't be too bad.. At least something! In the meantime, i will be purchasing books that have been suggested to me, i love reading and could get a lot from that most likely too.. So making good use of my tools that 'are' available anyway! i soooo agree with you dc, putting treatment together is one heck of a challenge.. it took so much to admit i needed the help, now that i have there isn't much out there to help.. it's one helluva scary journey to walk alone, thank goodness for the support and encouragement i get through Mtn & friends, or i'd be one lost girl... ((((((hugggggz))))))) |
Yesterday, i had to go on a daytrip, all by myself in a strange city.. i brought healthy snacks with me for throughout the day but when it came to lunchtime i realized i needed to make a decision where to eat - most places offer salads, but just being in the environment is hard when everything else is available and can smell the smells of grease etc.. i'm not a fastfood eater, never have been really but - since seeking help, i swear i crave everything from a fat juicy burger (and i dont even eat beef!) to pies and sweets and cake which i've never been a sweet eater either.. So, right now i just don't trust myself in any environment incase... i walked until i found a Subway, which i know is a safe place for me, the no no smells are very minimal there, (dang their cookies always look SO good, lol) but, i did good, and drank water all day too.. Small things to celebrate but sooooo worth celebrating! PS - just between the last post and this one, i got a call from a place i left a message for and seems they DO offer counselling for eating disorders, and i can get free sessions through work (4) and if it's something they determine i need for a longer period of time, they can apply for an extension! How fabulous is that!? so i'm waiting for a call back! *crossing fingers* |
i'm a little frustrated in finding a counsellor.. i think my only route will be to pay for counselling on my own, and not through the various places we have here, because they do not offer long term counselling.. Nor will my work EAP support long term counselling, 4 sessions only - and if they think your issue is a long term one, they turn you away.. So, i have an appointment with my family doctor on the 21st, and have my fingers crossed that she can help as a last resort, and if the last resort means paying for counselling, i feel it's a must for me and i'll find a way - it is rather expensive but we have such a lack of resources, sadly.. i am taking the courses suggested, and attending meetings, as well as surrounding myself with as many tools as possible - i can do this & am trying with everything i have in me.. Because this is extremely important to me.. Heard this tonight, & liked it.. " we're not guilty for having it, but we're responsible for treating it.." & PS - a super big thank you to all of you who have been messaging me privately, leaving reps and of course, posting in here, publicly.. i realize posting here publicly is also opening up your situation for all to see, and it takes a lot of strength and i recognize this & really appreciate it.. Because it also lends advice & help to those who read silently.. and i know they appreciate it too, so much... ((((huggggz)))) |
Recovering compulsive overeater....
Hi all,
I've posted on various bf sites regarding my weight loss/eating disorder journey thus far. But I wanted to post and recap a little before going into what's going on now. I've been a COE since age 7 1/2 but it really started when I was 27 and in a dysfunctional relationship - my ex used to COE and I followed what she was doing. I went up to 185 pounds from 133 and found it very difficult to admit I was in need of recovery. My Al-Anon sponsor led me to the rooms of OA. I remained in OA for thirteen *years*, having varied successes and failures at abstinence from binge foods (mostly relapses). I just couldn't hold onto abstinence for very long, and the resulting guilt and shame did a real number on my self-esteem. I eventually gave up on OA altogether because all I was getting was misery vs. progress. I must have relapsed hundreds of times in that time period! I also tried outpatient treatment and lots of therapy. No luck. Last fall my best friend encouraged me to seek inpatient residential treatment for my eating disorder. From 2005 to 2008 I had went from 145 to 310 pounds and kept gaining, despite diabetes type 2, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high liver fat levels. I was out of control and despondent. I found a facility in the MidWest for women that met my needs (lesbian friendly, 12-step, Christian friendly) and entered treatment in May 2011. What I learned turned my world upside down! According to their dietician staff what I had been doing without knowing it was called "dieting restriction". I was introduced to the idea of intuitive normalized eating, which differs from OA in that there are no binge foods.... one eats what one wants to in limited amounts whilst listening to one's inner hunger and fullness cues with mindfulness. It's much more complicated than that (I'm following a food plan from a nutritionist), but suffice it to say once I let go physically, emotionally and spiritually, and tried it the weight started coming off. But, more importantly, I stopped focusing on LOSING WEIGHT and started focusing instead on the issues BEHIND the eating disorder behaviors, which turned out to be family and coming out oriented. I had 10 weeks of intensive family therapy with my dad and with my partner and got a lot of things out on the table and resolved. Things continued to go well and I was discharged in late July. I don't know how much I have lost since, but I don't want to know it and there are no scales in my house. Since coming home I've continued my efforts and joined EDA (www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org) where I am looking for a sponsor. I am feeling freer and more ME than I have in years, and I am starting an exercise regimen every other day. Happy, Joyous and Free indeed! I've read everyone's posts. There are some incredibly brave people on this thread! Keep up the great work everybody! Glad to be here. Peace in Recovery, DressyFemme |
I have never identified for myself as having an eating disorder but if I am totally honest with myself, I guess do.
It has taken varied forms through the years. As a kid, my abusive parents were strange about food. My father, a Marine, had me standing up straight and yelling at me to suck my stomach in from the time I was 7-8. We never had sweets in the house unless they had bridge parties and then I would sneak whatever they had. When I was a teen, I always felt fatter than my girlfriends, even though at just under 5'4, I never weighed more than 115. When I got pregnant with my 1st, I gained 40lbs. For some reason, I thought it gave me free rein to eat (I was 19). I had the baby, weighed 157. My husband would not have sex with me-told me I looked like a fat cow. I lost 20lbs, we had sex and 21 months later after having baby number one-had baby #2. Joined weight watchers and in 4-months, lost all the weight. Had zero trouble maintaining. Kept zero sweets in the house. Stayed at around 120. Divorce ensued, met my ex-butch who was overweight. She started bringing sweets over all the time. Begged her not to but she never listened. I think she wanted me to get fat so other women would not want me. I resisted for a very long time. Got up to 130. Then as I got older, it seemed like the control I had for so long got lost. I gained, all-together around 60 lbs. I lost 50 over the last couple of years but then gained back 15. The last few months, I have made a concerted effort to get my shit together and have had a couple of backslides when I am feeling emotionally low or lonely ( the butch that liked to feed me is long gone). I have control again. I follow no diet or plan. I keep my daily calories around 1500 or I gain. I do not eat anything over 10 grams of fat total and I buy no sweets. I just can not-whether psychological or physical, sweets trigger me to want more and more. I want to have the sense of total control that I had over the two years that I lost 50lbs. I still need to lose these stubborn 15. It seems my body is fighting to hold on now but I am two years older and it is much harder as you age. When I was young, I could drop 5 lbs. in a week- now that I am older, it can take me a month. I will never be 110 or 115 again. I know that. The funny thing is that I thought I was fat @ those weights so have no idea if I ever will feel thin, regardless of weight! I try now, to focus on health and to not develop any obesity-related diseases. My cholesterol is too high and my goal is to get that down. I also try to focus on clothing sizes rather than weight. Each 10 lbs. Is another size. I never, ever admit to my clothing sizes but will do it here. I was up to sizes 22 almost 3 years ago. I can't even believe ut to write it-remember I am just under 5'4. When I lost weight, I was in size 12. Not the 7's of my teens. When I gained the 15, I ate myself out of my 12's into 14, where I am today. I am aiming for my 12's again. I can't get fatter because when I lost the weight, I gave every size from 16 up to Goodwill and the vets, except for one pair each of sizes 20 and 22, to remind me of where I never want to be ever again. Thanks for listening/reading. |
Thank you both for posting ♥
and for bumping this thread, i need to get posting in here myself.. It's a useful tool for me, and i'm doing well on my journey.. But with many struggles just the same - so i will be back! i've attempted twice to respond, as well as update on my own situation.. it's with difficulty, i get emotional about this stuff - but i will! i love that people take the time to post in this thread, i know it's not easy to put it out there, and so i completely appreciate that you do.. Because it not only helps me, but those who do read and can't post, and it's so terribly important that they've resources for help too ♥ i will be back, with thoughts soon! |
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i can relate Anya, my past is where my eating disorder began.. i didn't know this , but not too long ago, i had an intake appointment at Mental Health and looking back in my files, i was bulemic.. It's very puzzling to me, that i was bulemic even as a young child, because no one ever said anything about it to me through life.. When i brought this up with my mother, she claims she had no idea - *shrugs* But, in knowing that, everything makes complete sense to me.. i do remember my purging through teenage years, however & right through early adulthood..And on to my situation today, the binging & purging...Looking back over time, i can see the progression. i am bulemic - that's very hard for me to say.. i usually say i'm a binger & a purger, that's easier for me.. Everyday i am dealing more & more with accepting that word, bulemia.. i still have a hard time believing it.. i find the word very overwhelming - like i have something bigger to gain control on, and it's like i'll never get there.. Same with my weight loss, i tend to lose by setting goals of 10 lbs, rather than setting a big goal of losing a whole lotta lbs.. That makes me fall off track, because i get overwhelmed like i'll never get there.. my father is an alcoholic, & my mother was caught up in her own drinking & partying along with him & friends.. As a child, i remember as early as 5 & 6 years old, having to fend for myself.. i made my own meals, i got myself ready for school days, and i learned the importance of responsibility very early in life.. At the age of 8, i had my own key to the house and stayed home alone, tending to house the best way i knew how at that age.. my meals were of course pretty basic, and early in life learned my love of quick unhealthy meals, sugary treats and junkfood.. i don't remember purging as a child, though they have it filed that i did.. But i do remember the poor eating habits developping, overeating portions, that food hangover afterwards and sadly, through life as time went on, it got worse until recently... my parents were never supportive, i started with mild weight issues as a teenager, but fell into that negative headspace i have fought most of my life from early childhood - and when i look back to then, my teenager years, my pregnancies, past relationships, etc i realize now why i have/had so much inner stuff to get a handle on before even taking on this journey i am walking today.. Though my weight never went up & down like you, i have continued to gain through life, and am now a food & sugar addict on top of everything... i have just learned recently my food addiction is separate from my eating disorder, and so i am developping tools to work through it all appropriately.. But, digging through the past is such a must in getting myself to the right headspace to take all of this on.. Until i was ready mentally, weight loss was not an option for me.. i tried endlessly to commit to helping myself (weighloss-wise) and there was just no way.. i would lose some and gain more back.. So i definitely understand the struggle of getting oneself there mentally.. thank you so much for sharing , the more each of you share, it opens me up to sharing.. i only just recently recognized i had to do something to help myself, and only just VERY recently have admitted i need help further than helping myself, by reaching out, whether by meetings, counselling (which i STILL cant get no matter how hard i try, sighs at the lack of resources here), and will be reaching out for a sponsor soon.. But also this thread, and reaching out to friends and being vocal about this, it's very hard yet very helpful to me overall.. Thank you for sharing Anya!♥ (((hugggz))) |
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my strength *then*, stemmed from my silence & hiding from everyone. (But today i realize my strength is in helping myself and being as honest as i possibly can).. i currently attend OA meetings, almost daily.. Some face to face and some online - i have not sought out a sponsor, i had a very hard time admitting i couldnt do this on my own, until a few weeks ago.. Even still, i procrastinate it.. Last night, i was in an OA meeting and one lady used her time to speak to stress on her experience of being a sponsor and how needed that part of recovery is ..Her words clicked with me - and so this will be my next goal. my struggle right now is that i know i need counselling for the eating disorder, but we have a serious lack of resources here, it's sad. The only way i can do it is by paying for each session which is costly, and as a mother of 2 teenagers who struggles , it's just not do-able.. my work benefits do not cover for this, unless my doctor could of course push for it, and she doesn't seem interested enough.. i need a new doctor, she's more about cramming as many people into her day than she is about quality time and working with her patients.. We have very few meetings for OA, i have managed to find a dietician to work with - but otherwise there is just nothing around to take advantage of.. i feel roadblocked and so i set off on a researching adventure online to find something, anything! Your post & your journey are so motivating for me. The steps you took for yourself, wow.. i have many similarities in the things you have had to work through, and you give me so much hope, thank you for that.. Sincerely! And thank you for posting that link, i will be visiting it today along with the ones i have for OA and researching lots more. Much, much appreciated! |
Eating Disorders & Insurance
[SIZE="4"]In reading some of the notes in this thread this morning (kudos and much love to all who have posted!), I could not help but notice the discussion of people's struggles in getting insurance benefits for treatment. I hope I may be able to shed a little light on the topic, and perhaps in doing so, others may decide to try to get the help that is out there!
I have been in the medical insurance and billing field for over 25 yrs. For the past 5 yrs, in fact, I have been involved with the Billing Operations for several Eating Disorder treatment facilities across the nation. I have seen huge changes in the availability of benefits , even in that short amount of time. Wonderful strides have been made in the viewpoint of benefits for mental health treatment. One of the biggest changes is in the Federal Mandates in place for Parity in the treatment of mental health. What that means is , it is now recognized that most insurance plans in this country are now required to view certain mental health diagnosis just the SAME as they would any other medical condition. IE: if the insurance plan offers unlimited office visits for a medical diagnosis such as diabetes or allergies or whatever, they CANNOT then place a limit on office visits for a severe mental illness. No longer can they limit by days, nor on the amount of benefits being paid out. The major diagnosises covered under the Federal Parity Laws include Anorexia and Bulimia. In some states, they also include ED NOS (Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified, sometimes a catch-all for the ED spectrum) The parity laws also usually cover Major Depressive Disorder, and some others. Not all insurance plans are included in the Federal Mandates, so you should contact your plan's Member Services to see if yours does. Generally speaking, if you have an Individual plan (as opposed to a Group plan) or if your group plan (usually from an employer) is considered a small group plan of under 50 employees), it may not meet the Parity criteria. But even if it does NOT meet the criteria, many forward-thinking plans have begun to offer unlimited benefits for this help. In any case, I urge anyone who is holding back from looking for help because of fears of whether their insurance might cover the costs, to please contact their plan. Many state insurance plans are also beginning to offer benefits for their members (Medicaid, etc). Yeah, you might have to jump through some hoops, but it is worth it! And also, there are more and more treatment options becoming available, from Inpatient and Residential, to Partial Hospitalization (usually 6-8 hrs a day), to Intensive Outpatient (usually 4-5 hrs per day) to OP. Many facilities are contracted with Medicaid or State-sponsored plans. I am so blessed to be involved with these programs. I have helped to develop program content for 3 separate facilities, so I know the different types of therapeutic options that are out there. On a personal note, I have dealt with my own ED behaviors since I was about 4 yrs old. My heart goes out to all who suffer the daily struggles. I know it IS a daily fight, and a daily reprieve. /SIZE] |
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Although i am in Canada, and i know everything works a bit differently here.. i certainly am not giving up the fight & your post encourages me to keep trying, i know there has to be something, ANYthing somewhere for me.. i have an appt with my doctor coming soon, and i know i can get some help if she would just refer me, and i will push her on this.. She is very difficult to get to sit and listen, she's so anxious to push people out the door and bring someone else in.. i dislike that, very much. As for my health benefits through work, they only cover 4 sessions, which is SOMEthing, but just not enough.. i used my 4 sessions this year already, and when i was going it helped me so very much.. But, once my sessions ended, she referred me to Mental Health for further counselling, figuring that they had some sort of counselling program to offer.. Mental health is of no cost here, that's where i first tried but surprisingly, they have nothing at all to offer (counselling included) with eating disorders.. They do in other cities etc, just no one here where i live.. The resources here are very, very little.. Another place that does offer counselling, charges 75 dollars a session, once a week.. If i were to pay on my own, then i know i simply just could not afford it.. So right now, i'm working on a referral from my doctor, then hopefully i can either find something that will be fully covered, or maybe even if my work benefits would cover half at least.. Anything helps.. i'm not giving up, because after the week i had last week, it proved to me just how fragile i can be, and how easy i could go back to old habits.. Though i fought my way through it, it was a highly emotional week for me and i know counselling would be such a blessing right now...i have all my other tools in place and use them all daily - but i need this.. *crossing fingers* Hope you all have an easy week this week.. ((((BIG huggggz)))) |
i am really excited.. my Doctor isn't in this week, she's being covered by another doctor who works in the same clinic.. Which means, i get the chance to talk with another doctor, and it's one that i've seen before when my doctor was out and she's really wonderful.. This is a great thing! my appointment is tomorrow at Noon.. =) After the week i had last week, i feel really positive about tomorrow! |
i have noticed lately that the whole episode of my illness seems really unreal to me now, and that scares me because i am afraid if i forget how miserable it was, i run the risk of relapse
but when i think about all of the desparate things i did it's like my mind shies away from it i thought coming to this thread and describing it would help me remember i don't want to trigger anyone do i will type in white this time two years ago i would have made a list of every holiday party and gathering, along with an estimate of the calories i might eat at each one then i would add up the party calories Then i would count the days between today and New year's and multiple the number of days by the maximum allowable amount of calories per day then i would take the total maximum allowable calories, and subtract the party calories then i would take what was left over and divide that by the number of non-party days. This would give me the amount of calories i could eat on non-party days usually this number was under 500 but, if i kept under 500 on non-party days, i could eat normally at parties and no one would think i might be anorexic AND the calories would average out with the non-party days and i wouldn't gain any weight i would print a calendar from the computer and write each day's allowed calories on it and carry the calendar with me in my purse. at the end of each day i would write down everything i had eaten down to the last Altoid (3.33 calories each, rounded to 5 to be safe) and check it against my calendar it was miserable! thanks for being here {{{{eating disorders thread}}}} |
((((((dc)))))) i'll put my response in white as well, because while i know my own triggers, i don't know what could be considered triggers for others, and i really, really appreciate you doing that so i could be mindful of this and do it myself (and will use in the future too when talking of my own triggers..i'm learning everyday, and thankful for this thread for that reason.. This is all so new to me still and i hardly understand my own triggers and journey.. i do gain a new understanding everyday though and it's due to things like this thread, and people who share with me.. Thank you!♥ It *is* miserable... It's very hard not to get caught up in it that way, for me i obsess the calorie intake as well as my weigh ins... As for my weigh ins, i just simply cannot have a weight scale.. if i did, i would weigh myself not just daily but every moment through the day it crossed my mind.. (before i put food in my mouth and after i put food in my mouth.. thinking of putting food in my mouth, etc..) i weigh in once a week at work, the one who has the scale won't let me near her office until the following week... Right now, while being on a weight loss journey as well, i need to keep a calorie intake to be sure i am making my calories, because i tend to want to eat less and less, because in my mind the less calories i take in, the easier it is to lose weight.. But, separating the healthy calorie intake from the obsessive, is difficult...i definitely rely on my tools each day to do this..In reality, i am setting myself up to binge later on in the day if i'm not eating appropriate well balanced meals & taking in at least 1200 calories a day.. Knowing that 1200 is the lowest i should go, some days i don't quite make 1200, but others, i am very obsessive about keeping it as low as possible, and goodness if i touch a lil over 1300 calories, sigh. i get easily frustrated with the amount of calories i have to eat, so i have this inner argument with myself everyday.. i keep using my tools each day which help me struggle through this.. i even get angry over food at times when i am putting food into me and don't want to.. Other days, i want to so much and get angry because i know it'll put me over in my calories.. Realistically, i could eat even 1500-1600 calories, and when i was binging i was taking in well over 3000+ calories a day... i could cry looking at that number, but instead i'm obsessively counting the calories each day.. so i share in what you said, and do understand.. i found myself nodding while reading your post...& if i didn't have a circle of support right now the way i do, i know i would be doing something similar and purging even, probably.. These last few weeks i've had some incidents, and went to the doctor .. i know i could easily go back to what i was doing, even after all the work i've done.. i hate that everyday is a struggle to keep myself on track and that binging & purging comes so easily to me.. i know this isn't right - but i'm still also very protective of it all and hate letting it go... small steps i gather.. Thank you for sharing, once again i know the difficulties in sharing..and am so appreciative that we have this thread & that you all do it, whether here in the thread or privately ..i am so very grateful, because the support and knowledge are so important to me, as i'm sure with all of you.. So i really, sincerely thank you..Everyday, i'm learning.. (((((((((((eating disorders thread))))))))))) |
i forgot to come & post here, about my Dr Appt..
As i mentioned my doctor is out for a couple of weeks and a different doctor in the clinic is seeing her patients .. i've seen her before when my doctor was out and she's really got a good bedside manner, unlike my own doctor.. When she came in, she immediately sat down and just looked at me and smiled.. Then asked what was up? If it was my own doctor, she comes in the door, shuts it and hangs on to the door knob, ready to walk back out again.. She's always stressed and impatient, it bothers me... So, when she sat down, that let me know she was willing to listen.. i explained to her what struggles i've had finding some counselling.. That i had 4 sessions through EAP (employee assistance program) through work but they only offer short term (the 4 sessions a year).. That they sent me to Mental Health, and after doing an intake with them, they said they had nothing to offer to me for eating disorders in the form of counselling, but they could offer a course on stress, proper breathing techniques, etc.. i explained that while having OA meetings i can go to, and using some of the tools i do daily, a big part of me knows i need that counselling, because the 4 sessions i had at the beginning of the year (although they werent focused on my eating disorder) were so helpful.. She said the only option i had was one place, which offers counselling for a price, and i explained that's where i was in a pickle.. While i can pay some, the prices were far too much for me, i have 2 teenagers, and one income.. She completely understood, and wrote me a referral, asking for a reduced rate, and said having a referral might also help me get some counselling through my health plan at work.. She also asked questions to find out where i am at right now with it all, my history of it and offered some comforting words... Also said to contact her if the referral didnt get me someplace, and we'd try and figure something else out.. As soon as i got home, i made the phonecall to the place she suggested.. They said no, they do not accept doctor's referrals and wanted to know why my doctor would do such a thing.. So i explained the financial difficulty, as well as why i needed counselling, and the daily struggles i have ... Suddenly, she switched gears and offered me a few sessions free, and then reduced the rate to half price, 40 dollars a session, and rather than weekly, we'll do appointments bi-weekly.. i can handle that, i'll find a way because i know i need this, and 2 appts a month is more than i get now.. i thanked her so, so much... Also, i went to work that evening, and went to Human Resources and found out my work will offer up to 500 dollars in a 12 month period towards counselling WITH a doctor referral.. lovely, so, i did the math (and have to do so with full priced sessions i'm thinking) which will give me 6 more covered sessions before i have to start paying the reduced rate.. So, i'm so happy for this, i know i need this and i know good things come from counselling.. my first appointment is on Dec 13 ... Lastly, the doctor also offered medication as a last resort, to help with the urges to binge & purge.. it cuts the appetite down as well.. Has anyone here had to use medication? i am trying to be open to it.. However, i get really obsessive also about putting medications into me.. i am petit mal epileptic and continually take myself off medication and work on my health naturally, and years ago i was put on depression medication and did the same thing.. And sadly, did the same with high blood pressure medication the first time i was put on it some time ago.. (i was put back on it, and took it faithfully until she told me i didn't have to anymore.. ) So, taking medication scares me, but as i said i am trying to be open to the possibility of it.. She asked me to take the names of the medication home and research them - get some comfort with what they can offer, and to try counselling for a few sessions and see how that goes first.. Lots of moving forward, i wish i could adopt this doctor as my own.. She cares! |
Very hard day yesterday :(
my emotions were all over the place, my behaviours were in full swing.. i started the day off really great - but then put something in my mouth i shouldn't have (i won't say what for fear of triggering someone).. And it all went downhill from there for me.. i will put this next part in white: i started to purge about 5 mins after i'd eaten it, tried 3 times actually, and felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, and while i kept on trying, it just wasn't coming up.. At first, i felt guilty because i couldn't purge what i'd eaten.. Fact is, i haven't purged in SO long and as i started to get some sense over what i'd done, then started to ALSO feel guilty for having even resorted to that. i get very agitated, when a food is in me that i don't want there, and felt increasingly agitated when i couldn't get it out of me.. i then probably overdid it exercisewise.. i figured out how many calories i needed to burn, and then tried doubling that, just so i would maybe feel a bit better about having done so.. After pushing myself so hard, and then following up with not one but 2 meetings, i still found myself wanting to set myself up all evening to eat more, overeat portions and ahh the inner self abuse.. Not good.. Been a long while since i've had such a challenging day.. Now today, i feel a bit stronger, but i'm finding it very hard not to get those obsessive thoughts going again.. i'm trying not to super count out my calories, i'm trying not to convince myself if i don't eat meals then it'll make up for calories eaten yesterday, and i'm trying not to be overemotional and super sensitive about food.. Damn food! i often tend to feel so lonely and scared within, regarding this disease.. Especially on days like yesterday.. There are SO many people in my life, especially at work, that simply do not want to try and understand what i go through.. For instance, we have a Christmas party coming up on the 13th, where they are ordering takeout of a certain kind, along with a dessert (wont mention them in here).. i don't feel strong enough to be in that setting this year, i had contemplated making my own healthy foods to bring along, but smells of takeout food are a definite trigger for me right now and while i might behave at that party, i'm scared i won't once i get home.. It's not fun to miss out, of course.. i don't choose to sit this one out because it'll be fun to do, i choose it right now for my own well-being until i can get some sense of myself.. It's very difficult to manage - my first priority has to be me and my health.. Of course, i get poked at and mean comments about my struggles with food, and it really makes my days challenging as well.. There is so much shame and guilt , each day with this.. i'm forever apologizing and feeling guilty and completely embarrassed with certain situations and around people.. i really need to work the steps of OA, and find myself a sponsor.. These are my goals this month, so i can start 2012 a little stronger, with more tools in my pocket and hopefully, less days like yesterday... And i start counselling on December 13.. 12 more sleeps.. *breathes* |
I don't know if this has been posted here before, but I thought I would
A post from JK Rowling Being thin. Probably not a subject that you ever expected to read about on this website, but my recent trip to London got me thinking... It started in the car on the way to Leavesden film studios. I whiled away part of the journey reading a magazine that featured several glossy photographs of a very young woman who is either seriously ill or suffering from an eating disorder (which is, of course, the same thing); anyway, there is no other explanation for the shape of her body. She can talk about eating absolutely loads, being terribly busy and having the world's fastest metabolism until her tongue drops off (hooray! Another couple of ounces gone!), but her concave stomach, protruding ribs and stick-like arms tell a different story. This girl needs help, but, the world being what it is, they're sticking her on magazine covers instead. All this passed through my mind as I read the interview, then I threw the horrible thing aside. But blow me down if the subject of girls and thinness didn't crop up shortly after I got out of the car. I was talking to one of the actors and, somehow or other, we got onto the subject of a girl he knows (not any of the Potter actresses – somebody from his life beyond the films) who had been dubbed 'fat' by certain charming classmates. (Could they possibly be jealous that she knows the boy in question? Surely not!) 'But,' said the actor, in honest perplexity, 'she is really not fat.' '"Fat" is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her,' I said; I could remember it happening when I was at school, and witnessing it among the teenagers I used to teach. Nevertheless, I could see that to him, a well-adjusted male, it was utterly bizarre behaviour, like yelling 'thicko!' at Stephen Hawking. His bemusement at this everyday feature of female existence reminded me how strange and sick the 'fat' insult is. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I'm not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain... I went to the British Book Awards that evening. After the award ceremony I bumped into a woman I hadn't seen for nearly three years. The first thing she said to me? 'You've lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you!' 'Well,' I said, slightly nonplussed, 'the last time you saw me I'd just had a baby.' What I felt like saying was, 'I've produced my third child and my sixth novel since I last saw you. Aren't either of those things more important, more interesting, than my size?' But no – my waist looked smaller! Forget the kid and the book: finally, something to celebrate! So the issue of size and women was (ha, ha) weighing on my mind as I flew home to Edinburgh the next day. Once up in the air, I opened a newspaper and my eyes fell, immediately, on an article about the pop star Pink. Her latest single, 'Stupid Girls', is the antidote-anthem for everything I had been thinking about women and thinness. 'Stupid Girls' satirises the talking toothpicks held up to girls as role models: those celebrities whose greatest achievement is un-chipped nail polish, whose only aspiration seems to be getting photographed in a different outfit nine times a day, whose only function in the world appears to be supporting the trade in overpriced handbags and rat-sized dogs. Maybe all this seems funny, or trivial, but it's really not. It's about what girls want to be, what they're told they should be, and how they feel about who they are. I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before 'thin'. And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls. Rant over. |
-- 42% of kids in first through third grades wish they were thinner
-- 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of becoming fat -- 51% of 9- and 10-year-old girls say they feel better about themselves when they are on a diet -- significant numbers of normal-weight and underweight kids are also dieting: 16% of girls ages 8 to 11, and 19% of girls ages 12 to 15. CNN: "The scary trend of tweens with anorexia" |
Hard day for me yesterday. In the morning, i had an appointment with my Dietician. She is fantastic, and knows her stuff surrounding eating disorders.. In January, we start a 10 step program on Intuitive Eating..It will help me with recognizing hunger vs cravings, help me start on making peace with food, coping with emotions without using food, discovering "fullness" & "satisfaction factor" , along with other things.. We start this on Jan 5th when i go back to see her.. She feels there are things on my abstinence list which she can introduce back to me over a period of time, so i keep only my binge foods on my abstinence list and i won't be as overwhelmed.. Also, last night was my first counselling session.. i've been emotional, and i feel exhausted. i went to bed early last night and slept right through til morning, then got up and went back to bed.. Very unlike me, i love my mornings.. my head is still buzzing from it all.. Needless to say we had an intense session.. i feel so scared in all of this..i feel overwhelmed, i feel some anger, and i feel ashamed and guilty mostly... |
i started a 30 day Orientation Program for Newcomers to OA on Saturday.. It actually started 19 days ago, but i procrastinated it of course.. And this weekend i decided i was pushing myself to do this, so i rounded up all of the literature i had to read and with each day was a set of questions to answer about me , pertaining to the literature i just read.. It took me all weekend to get caught up with everyone else and send it all in.. SO much work, but i've learned so much already, about OA, the website, the steps, the traditions and a plan of eating.. New topic starts today, i'm on day 19 today.. At least now i can do it a day at a time , feels good to be caught up and feels great that i pushed myself to do it.. Sometimes i just need to push myself quick, if i overthink it, i procrastinate and then miss out on the chance altogether. Once i am through with this program, i will be ready to get a sponsor, and really tackle the hard work, by working the steps and setting up a plan of eating etc.. All of this, along with counselling (my 2nd session is January 10) and then the program i start with my Dietician on Intuitive Eating on January 5... Plus the tools i do daily, (meditating, meetings, exercise, journalling, food journal, etc...) i'm starting to feel somewhat stronger and much more on track. Of course, the hard part about all of this is i feel like i never get a day of rest.. But, it's worth it if it helps me through each day with minimal urges to binge & purge and carry on with my behaviours and obsessing.. i have real issues with putting myself out there.. i find it hard posting in this thread even at times.. Putting it out there for people to see - but it keeps me accountable right now.. It's difficult, but necessary for me.. The support & the reps & the messages & the encouragement i get from you all here , whether posting for all to see or messaging me privately is So motivating and wonderful, thank you all for being in my corner, and know that i am in your corner too.. ANYtime..♥ |
Happy New Year... Thought i would leave some updates, about where i am at in this New Year. i completed the Newcomer Orientation course for Overeater's Anonymous, got my virtual chip and Graduated.. It's the first time i have literally followed through with something, without making excuses or procrastinating until it was too late.. < --- Queen of excuses at one time, lol.. (& still can be, if i'm not careful..) i registered for the next course which is called WTS (working the steps) and i am actively seeking a Sponsor now, which i have procrastinated for so long because i know this is where the hard stuff comes in.. i feel ready, though....i think... i've convinced myself i am NOT ready many a time, but realistically, i know i am VERY ready and i need this, desperately.. i got through the holidays without touching even one bite of all the temptations around me.. At work, everyone brought in SO many Christmas treats and i was surrounded for about 3 weeks solid - i was so scared for the holidays because of that - however, i DID IT! i am so grateful for that.. i stopped exercising everyday because of all of the hours i was working, but because i ate healthy i was able to maintain my weight and not gain anymore.. *happy dancing* my Dietician appt is day after tomorrow, which i'm quite excited about.. i start the Intuitive Eating program with her, and then on Jan 10th will be my 2nd Counselling appointment.. So big steps for me.. Programs, actively seeking a sponsor, maintaining my appointments without procrastinating or making excuses & getting through the holidays... Today i am working on Day 3 of Abstinence - While i've probably had many Abstinent days, i didn't feel 'ready' to start counting those days... i feel quite ready, and taking it one step at a time - hoping i've got this.. ~~~~~~~~~ i am working on a Personal Blog, which will be geared towards my eating disorder, addiction, healthy journey (& of course other stuff) but , once it's ready i will post the link... For me, it helps putting everything out there for all to see.. While it's difficult, and embarrassing - it's a way to keep myself accountable and really work through the hard stuff.. During all of this, i am SO very grateful for all of You who rep, who write me, who make it a point to either encourage me along or share a part of you too.. Also those of you who post here in the thread as well.. Thank you for trusting me to do so, it'll always stay with me & me only... And i'm SO here for all of you, anytime you need.. ♥ ((((((huggggz))))))) |
i did it.. finally!
i stopped procrastinating, and got myself a sponsor.. *breathes* i'm an odd assortment of emotions right now.. i am scared, SO scared.. i know this is where the hard work begins, dealing with inner stuff, pain, emotions.. i am also excited, because i know that some healing and self forgiveness begins.. To think i might get myself to an easier place, or not be so hard on myself each & every day, or slow down with the obsessive behaviours.....Wow. i am also proud of myself - because i took a step out of my comfort zone..WAY out of my comfort zone, in fact..It's why i have been procrastinating so long.. Admitting i need help is one thing, putting it all out there and holding myself accountable is another thing, but to literally do something to help myself - this feels really, really good right now.. ~~~~ Also, day one of my Intuitive Eating program went well.. It's a 10 step program and Step One was "Reject the Diet Mentality" which is what i am working on this week.. It's a hard one to grasp for me, but i'm doing everything i am supposed to do & making some positive changes ... i had no idea how much i was thinking in terms of the Diet Mentality.. Lastly, my 2nd counselling session is tomorrow night... :| i can do this... i think.. |
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i feel bad. i just kinda went off on a coworker. He always jokes with me when he sees me eating and says things like "watch out you are going to get fat!"
That is a terrible thing to say to a recovering anorexic and could potentially be triggering to the point of relapse (and he does know i had anorexia). It has been bothering me for a while but i didn't say anything b/c i hate confrontation today he did it again and i didn't yell but i got that not-loud-but-obviously-agitated tone and i told him "do not say things like that! do not every talk to me about my food or my weight! you are going to give me a relapse" he went down to his office and hasn't come back I feel bad for getting stern with him but what he's been doing is all kinds of dickish, right? |
Yes Jenny, very, very dickish!
I am glad you set some limits with his very inappropriate behavior. Hugs my sister, |
That was dickish, indeed. It's something i struggle with often, between my father & some co-workers.. And it's difficult when the insensitive people are 'that'.. - insensitive! Sometimes we share our struggles with others so that people we are around often, understand our limits on certain situations we face each day, but certainly doesn't give them the right to poke fun at you on any level.. i'm so sorry Jenny! But, hopefully it will break the cycle now.. And that he'll see how it affects you when he says things like that to you.. Sometimes it's a lack of knowledge - but it had to be said.. Confrontation isn't something i'm fond of either, and i avoid it almost everytime.. but, i have to be willing to stand up for myself if i'm willing to put myself out there, i'm told.. Don't feel bad for getting stern with him Jenny.. We have to take the best care of ourselves and that's exactly what you were doing.. Be proud of you! i know i am! ((((huggggz)))) |
i have to say, i get so mentally exhausted with all of the work sometimes.. However, there are days like today where i can breathe and know that i keep on, because i know it's paying off.. - Daily meetings.. - i also have a new sponsor, the last one didn't work out because of her lack of time..But this one is promising, i'm waiting for the 12 + 12 workbook to arrive in the mail this week to get started on working the steps.. - i am still working the Intuitive Eating program (once a week) with my Dietician.. We are on Step #3 of that - which is making peace with food and keeping the actual binge foods on my abstinence list.. Scary step for me, but working hard at it.. - my next Counselling appointment is on February 16 (which is also the date of my next Dietician appointment to start Step #4 as well) - i am a member of some forums & email loops that put out daily questions, all recovery related and they're so helpful in helping me learn about myself, my disease and admitting those hard truths... - Also everyday, i blog, i meditate, i have a list of things i do actually just to help me through my day and it all helps.. But, lately i feel an ease i've never felt. - i love cooking again, this is something i've hated for years due to my anxiety over food and of course bingeing junkfoods everyday in place of my meals. So, i love that i am able to enjoy cooking again, i've missed this, greatly! - i'm doing well with isolating.. i am putting myself out there again, welcoming family & friends back into my life (slowly), and getting out of the house and even looking forward to it sometimes, lol... HUGE step for me, seriously..And branching out and trying new things, even.. It's still extremely challenging for me, but i'm doing it in bits! Proud of myself.. - i still get a little panic going on around foods people eat that i once binged..my behaviours come out a bit, but nothing like it used to be - and that is some serious growth right there. So, i have a 3 page long abstinence list to work with this week.. Some foods aren't binge foods, in fact most aren't... my binge foods would probably be about half of a page, maybe a little more.. SO i guess i'll start there, but having the other foods on this list was a safety net for me and it's hard to let go of that.. However i am determined to follow through and get myself in a healthier headspace about foods, so that i am not so damn overwhelmed. But it's hard, very hard.. As for numbers.. i am working on NOT obsessing the numbers still.. It was part of step one of my Intuitive Eating course.. And so i've been avoiding the calorie counting, the pedometer, and anything that pertained to logging numbers, because i get a little obsessive with adding and subtracting and figuring out how many calories i can have etc.. i kept that so hidden, until recently and it's something i've depended on doing for years - it's hard to let go of these behaviours.. They feel like something i 'need' and that i'll fight to keep.. it's hard to get it in my head how unhealthy it is.. While i hear what people say and understand, convincing myself is another thing altogether.. It's been a lot of work letting go, have i completely? Oh hell no.. But i'm still working at it, that's what counts.. So, my pedometer is locked up, weight scale is hidden and i only attempt calorie counting on days i feel i can, but i've hung up Spark People for awhile on the days i know i can't do it without throwing the numbers around.. i get a lot of inner anger with myself over these things.. This really feels like the fight of my life - FOR my life even. & it gets very confusing separating the weight loss journey from the food addiction/ eating disorder journey.. While i know this can't be solely about the weight loss, i know the weight loss is necessary for my health, but i really do try not to obsess the weight loss either.. This is about my health, overall.. Just needed to vent a little.. Or whine, maybe... Why can't there be easy days, and days i can shut off my brain, even for a few minutes? i really do try not to complain, i'm very grateful for the ability to have all of these programs and people who support me and help me in this journey..If it wasn't for all of these things, i wouldnt be even half the way i am today in recovery - this i know.. It's one step at a time for me, not one day at a time.. Lastly, i am SO blessed for Mr. Mtn in my life. Truly, to have someone love me so deeply, and be SO supportive as He is of everything i am going through, and all the things i must do daily. He gives me the push i need when i am sinking, He is always so downright honest even when it's something i don't like hearing, and He loves me, SO furiously, each and every single day & is as passionate about my recovery as i am.. (i love You Daddy♥ xox) |
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It's been really hard not getting bummed out or peeved off about the inability to keep track.. i get terribly hard on myself at times - When it's something you've done for years, it's hard to turn that off, isn't it? |
yeah. i've been in recovery for about five years now and i still have a hard time turning the calorie tracking part of my brain off :\ it's so frustrating because the numbers are everywhere - even nowadays they're putting them on restaurant and cafe menus. it really frustrates me when i go to someplace like panera or starbucks and the calorie count is listed next to the dish.
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Hi Aishah! Welcome.. 5 years in Recovery is wonderful! April will mark one year for me i think, need to go back and check on my blog, but a lot of ups & downs - i'm still learning, i've yet to work the steps.. Small steps, but getting there..Definitely a lot of progress in this year...and quite the way to go.. i agree, it is hard to see calories written everywhere, but i know that's something that won't change. So i'm struggling to find ways around that or change my mind somehow, it might always be a struggle.. i was looking through recipes in a book i have and was getting way caught up in the calories as well, or when i research exercises i get caught up in calories burned.. But i'm trying to stop one thing at a time, so right now, as long as i'm not hauling out my calculator or a piece of paper and doing the Math i know i'm on the right track.. (((hugggs to you))) Thank you for sharing! |
Had a bit of a challenging night last night.. Worked on taking my abstinence list (which was 2 pages long) down to half a page of only the items i would binge... And am trying to make good decisions about the foods i eat, rather than remaining abstinent from them... While being free of a 2 page abstinence list is a wonderful thing.. the obsessing over foods i put in my mouth and then beat myself up over is making me crazy.. i get very hard on myself but i know it's necessary to do for this Intuitive Eating program i am doing.. Why is it so hard to let go of things? Because it felt like a safety net for me to have all of those foods on that list , and having myself convinced it was an absolute no-no.. So now, i need to learn to let go.. Easier said than done.. In other news, i now have a blog where i post occasionally, about this journey i am on, if anyone wants to see.. http://a-sylly-journey.blogspot.com/ ... Not just about the eating disorder, but also building my self esteem, my weight loss journey, that sort of stuff.. Lastly, i finally received my 12x12 workbook, and have started working the steps.. Am on step one, intense stuff... And i've only just begun..i am working on this workbook along with my Sponsor.. No wonder my emotions are all over the place these days! This morning i woke up, and decided i needed some 'me' time just to get myself in a better mindset about all of this.. So after my workout, i ran myself a nice hot, relaxing bubble bath, and pampered myself for almost an hour.. i meditated, i read some, and now i'm ready to go to work and take on the day , and take all of this stuff on as well.. Think i just needed to get right with myself, and a good night's sleep, a warm drink & some meditation helped last night too.. i feel recharged.. needed that! |
This is the first time I've read this thread. I know why I was avoiding it. I am still constantly counting, always writing and calculating, and berating myself for going over my numbers. I've done nothing but gain for the past 20 years. I don't understand recovery. I know I do okay for a while, but somehow always slip back into knowing that I need to toughen up and crack down on my eating because I hate how I perceive myself. I'm feeling very anxious right now because you're all so strong and so positive, and I am too afraid to let go of my precious numbers. But I am here, and I am reading, and I am in awe of every single one of you.
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i know how it feels to think "I don't understand recovery." i knew i was in trouble for a year and a half before i sought treatment, because it just seemed impossible that any other way existed. i will say that one thing i have learned about "toughening up and cracking down" is: letting go of that constant focus on eating less will eventually cause you to eat less. I trick myself with that whenever i start obsessing: "I need to eat less, therefore i better stop thinking about eating less." Because in my case all i really need to do is leave myself alone |
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