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**snippet** I don't know that I can even say I know I am a femme. When people see me they think straight. When I see me I don't know what I think.
I don't feel gay, I don't feel straight, I don't feel bi, and if I am really honest, I do not know I could define any of those things, much less define something as complex and confusing (to me) as “femme” or “butch.” Based on superficial appearance type criteria and the fact that a lesbian friend of me told me I am femme, that is what I think I am. In day to day life I do not “identify” as anything. I am hesitant to share this next part because as independent as I like to think I am I do worry about what people will think of me. Here it goes I am not out. Anastasia~ thanks so much for your courage, your honesty in your post. I can identify with lots. I finally came out later in life, and I personally think (maybe because my path to my own truth took awhile), that we all have our OWN paths to trek. My path is not yours. I also look maddeningly straight. It has been a huge frustration to me, because now that I *AM* out, dammit, I want to be RECOGNIZED! LOL I also had some pre-conceived ideas of what a femme "looked" like, and didn't really think that I fit into that neat little compartment. Also can relate to the curled toes. A friend of mine once gave me a silly nickname, a knock-off on an Indian name...."She who makes fists with toes"! HA!! |
I understood that I was femme when I had been in my first long-term relationship with a woman (been in many flings before that) and I stumbled on what would now be called a blog of a femme who was talking about her ID, whilst I had been looking up various bit of infomation about tg butch, stone butch and butch. I read the blog and suddenly all the struggles I was having with the lesbian community and my own sexuality made sense. And I wasn't the odd one out, there were others like me. So I claimed the ID and found it gave me all kinds of permission to be queer and myself at the same time.
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I like this thread. I like reading about all my sisters and the diversity that is femme. And I totally agree with a post I read [I'm sorry I forget which it was] where someone called it an 'essence'. To me that's exactly what it is. While I differ than a lot of everyone posting here in that I am very femme in appearance and mannerisms - and I'm very traditional ofos when it comes to relationships and our roles in them, this thing we call 'femme' is indeed more than clothes, accessories or personal style. It's something you either have or do not have, you are or are not. Again, it is that essence spoken of. I first knew I was femme the moment I fell in love with my first butch. I think that was the moment I also became a woman.
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I wasn't sure that I was a Femme for awhile. I knew I liked being really femine and was attracted to more masculine women. When I was talking about this to my cousin (who is a Butch), hy pointed out that I was a Femme and explained things to me. I am out but it was easy for me since my cousin was out before I was. Because of my cousin being a Butch, my family automatically thought that all gay people were like hy was and wouldn't believe that I was gay because of that
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Welcome!
Anastasia,
Welcome to BFP and this safe space to talk about who and what you are, we are all here for support! You're a strong Femme you'll survive whatever lies ahead!!! ((hugs)) Quote:
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Anastasia, we most certainly will not flame you my dear! Many of us went through our own struggles to not only accept what we are but who we are attracted to.
We all understand how difficult the process is and you don't have to "chose" anything! Most of us found that whatever our "it" is; it chose us. I too, picked a femme first. Many femmes kiss or fuck or date femmes. No judgment here! Toe-curling, that's another story. My own true toe-curlers have been butch. Don't know why, don't care why. It just is. Just like the sun rises and the sun sets or just like I breathe. Welcome:) |
Everyone thinks I am straight too. The fact that I tend to have my kids in tow surely has a lot to do with it. But, I am used to it so I really do not even notice.
UNLESS I am in my fave alt bar. Then, it is really obvious and annoying that the only people who will talk to me are little gay boys who want to pet me. lol I have tried to start conversations with people who were obviously alone-no luck. I am lucky to carry on a chat that last 5 minutes. In the 4 or so years I have been going, I left with a number once-it belonged to the friend of a gay man who was there with her. And he started a conversation with me only because he liked the gay man I was there with. I am not sure if the people there see me as straight. A lot of my friends tell me that I am intimidating. Honestly I do not know. :sparklyheart: |
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Ready for it? Here goes.... Not all butches identify as she. I do realize the one you kissed probably did, hence your connection. I hope I wasn't too hard on you. *grin* We all started somewhere, Anastacia. Welcome to your journey! I hope it's a happy one. :cheer: |
Thank you all. I am actually a little choked up right now (maybe I am not as tough as I thought)
I am so overwhelmed by all of your kindness and understanding. This is unbelievably hard. It was certainly easier to deny when it was an abstract concept and I did not know I preferred women. I find women beautiful and I thought that my attraction to them was just appreciation versus real desire, that all straight women wanted to and fantasized about having sex with women, and had somewhat unnaturally close relationships and attachments to their best female friends, until I felt what I felt kissing her. Gemme, I had to laugh at your "flame." 1. Thank you and 2. Dear god, I do not even know my own sexuality, I am absolutely lost when it comes to gender identites. I read the threads trying to wrap my head around all of it, but I am still pretty damn ignorant. I do not have tons of lesbian friends (5 good friends and those relationships are based on shared interests. They do not talk to me about their sex life and vice versa.) and I am obviously not in the community so I have not much exposure to the different gender identities. I have learned a lot about what type of look really gets me going with some of the butch pictures in the member's gallery. Day-um. (That is creepy, right? I probably should not have said that) Again, thank you all. Despite the fact the post was hard to write, I am very glad I did. |
So. Where are these pictures anyway?
Not that I'm looking. Heavens no. ;) |
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I am telling you, I think the "Random Images" sidebar should be renamed, there is nothing random about it. It picks hot butches to show off. I swear. All hotties, all the time. Random? Me thinks not. |
Welcome to the Planet Anastasia...
I just want to say to you... Everybody has a very different experience coming out. For some people, they walk out and announce it to the world - for others, it is a long process. There is no right or wrong and you may never come out, and that is okay too. This is your journey, your personal journey and if you meet that amazing special butch who curls those toes of yours... Then it will be a joined journey between the two of you and you will figure it out together. I do not believe there are answers. I believe it will simply be a knowing within yourself. Only you can know who you are inside (not the outside - that is just cosmetics) but the core of your being. Again, welcome to the site - I hope you find your time here filled with comfort and safety. Here's to a lifelong of toe curling experiences. Ahem... (oh yes I understand). Julie |
I knew I was a femme when I began experimentally pushing myself toward masculine expression.
I knew I was a femme when I imagined a closet full of masculine clothes and found the idea depressing. I knew I was a femme when I stopped trying to fit my idea of what a femme is - when I accepted and explored the entire spectrum of my gender experience. I knew I was a femme the first time I heard Dorothy Allison interviewed. I'm not really concentrating on my identity at the moment as much as i have in the past. I'm reminded often in the course of my life that I'm a femme - but as time goes on I think about it less and less. I shoot for natural, I shoot for authentic, I shoot for self-expression, I shoot for meaning - I stopped shooting for femme once I realized it was a quality I could neither disown nor deny nor could I chase it down. Still I relish the moments I'm recognized as a femme. :) |
Hello Toe Curling!
Hi Anastasia!
:welcome: to BFP! You will find this to be a very supporting environment to come to as there are oodles of threads to read and discuss all sorts of issues. :tea: I was very impressed with your honesty in your post, it brought back memories of when if when I first came out. See I am what you'd call a "late bloomer" as I didn't come out until the age of 38, married and all! Coming out to my husband was hard but thankfully I had two lesbian friends take me by the hand and teach me about the community...one is now my girlfriend :) I admit, I'd never just go out alone, that's just the kind of person I am. I too had a terrible time with self identity. Growing up my parents could always get my brother and I the same toys; I played sports; I was in the Army; I do NOT wear dresses, but I will wear slacks and a nice shirt; I prefer jeans and a t-shirt although I'm starting to wear what my daughter calls "girlie shirts"; I'll wear eye make up on occasion; and I own lots of tools....so for the most part of my life I was a tom boy but now as an adult, I ID as a soft femme (soft meaning not girlie girl) and it's just who I am. We make our own identity, some call it a label, per se, because they don't want to be labeled, and that's okay too! Anyway, I've rambled on long enough, I hope this helps you or someone else. :goodluck: |
I was raised by a supreme high femme, my grandma, Nicky. Nicky’s femme was full on pin curling her hair every night, always wearing a skirt, house work in heels, “my you look big and strong”, blink blink blink kinda hetro femme. I had some serious issues with it.
Also I wanted to be a boy since I was about, oh as old as you are when you notice there are boys and girls. Boys didn’t have to get pregnant, they could wear pants, and they could be loud, bold, rough and strong and get dirty. They could climb on stuff, drive stuff, go to college, have a job and money. If I were a man, I would go to work in a suit and carry an attaché case, and at the end of the day a beautiful woman in a crinoline with Marcelled hair would meet me at the door to “my castle” with a glass of chocolate milk and a kiss. Or so I dreamt as a 10 year old poor, Holiness Pentecostal kid growing up in Indiana. I despised the idea of femme because femme meant female and female meant subjugated. When I was in 6th grade , Mr. Jasinski, caught my first girl crush Rachael arguing with Tony, the bully, about feminism and equal rights for women. As I recall Tony’s enlightened 12 year old argument was because men are stronger, richer and therefore smarter they are the obvious leaders of the world. Mr. Jasinski decided that we would hold a formal debate on the issue. Rachael picked me to be her assistant fact finder (oh swoon). We won. I read Orbach’s “Fat is a Feminist Issue” and “Our Bodies Ourselves”, Rachael’s mom (may Emma Goldberg forever guard her) loaned them to me, among other books and magazines. In my research it was the first time that I saw women who were not subjugated, women who drove big fast cars, women who didn’t have children unless they wanted them, women who went to college and had careers and money, all on their OWN, women loud, bold, rough, strong and dirty. It created a light in me that would continue to shine deep inside even in and through the darkness that was my adolescence. When I first came out as a lesbian, I think I was 20 or 21, I dressed in the de rigueur androgynous clothing. It didn’t make me feel sexy although it was comfortable and quite capable for whatever I could dish at it. A year or two later I was, thank Judy Garland’s ghost, taken in by drag queens. Who helped smooth my edges and showed me femininity as displayed in power through old movies. Ballsy dames, femmes’ fatale, cheeky reporters, witty lawyers and news paper columnists - I was smitten. It was like they gave me a secret weapon that was my birthright as a female creature. I started wearing clothes that made me feel a little too good to be a good girl and I still wanted the girl meeting me in the crinoline at the door. |
Might be pretty simple but..my first experience was an old school Dyke swept me off my feet, took me parking by the river went chubby dunkin (cuz I am in no way skinny so I don't call it skinny dippin lol) and from that night on I just knew with every fiber of my being I was femme. I didn't know the term back then. But I knew who I was and what I was born to be.
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I knew I was most comfortable in my own skin when.... I stopped giving a shit about the labels anyone else tried to identify me by.
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Femme as I see it is energetic. Just like butchness. I have a friend that looks butch but energetically is all femme. I wish I knew exactly what mechanism describes this but it just is. Sometimes I wear "butchy" clothes depending on my mood, sometimes high femme, but I'm always seen and read as a femme.
Femme as I see it does not equal passive, high maintenance, or being a sexual bottom amongst many other stereotypes. But it can still mean those things on an individual level. I feel my femme energy for myself comes from an internal relationship to my female identity. I'm in love with the womanly energy and parts of me. They feel right to me. I love enhancing those aspects, playing with them, and celebrating them. I feel so deeply female. This does not shift no matter what I do or do not wear. It translates in my body language, movement, and energy that I share with others. My identity became obvious to me more concretely in reference to my relationship with the butches in my life. We seem to enhance each others gender identity energetically. They seems to see and enjoy my femme as much as I see and enjoy their butch. |
I think unless you fit a stereotypical picture of what the "societal norm" thinks a lesbian looks like, you will be assumed to be straight.
I don't really think of myself as femme so much as I just am who I am. Others call me femme, and if that's what makes them comfortable, then that's fine. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl but I love lip gloss and sometimes I grow my hair out to my butt and then I'll cut it all off and regrow it all back... I bite my nails but love to paint them over and over... I love barettes and earrings and shiny things like a magpie... but I don't think there was a moment that I said, "Oh I'm a femme"... I've just always been me... lol |
As a teen, my first girlfriend had a more masculine energy than I did/have - it was the 80s and the various 'labels' weren't around in small town NZ. She was always more into the activities that boys did, where as I preferred doing the girly things, although, I do have a love for DIY, lol!
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I am enjoying reading this thread! Had to jump in...
I dont know if I ever discovered being a femme. I just am if that makes sense? I remember when I first came out I was not familiar with the terms. My two best friends are butches and until now I had no femme friends to be exposed too. I remember asking them what they thought. One of them said "Thats the beauty of our community. You can be whoever or however you want to be. You define you" I had never heard anything more beautiful than that! As time passed, femme just matched who I am inside. It all just fell into place. If you asked me to define femme I couldnt... It is so many things. It is the sway in my step.... The warmth in voice... The pride in my brow.. The honey in my words... The passion in each heartbeat... I am temptress in a corsette... Sexy in a plain white button up... Up to no good in a little black dress... Jean loving on a friday... Getting dirty when I need to.... Cursing just about everyday... I AM A FEMME :) And to all my fellow Femmes, thank you for being the Femmes that you are! I respect our individuality and love that we can stand together as one! *Besitos* |
I knew I was femme when I wouldn't give up my heels and make-up:|
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I could never give up making my own Shampoos, Shower Gels, Body and Facial moisturisers, Hair Conditioners, Perfumes and all the other lotions and potions a Femme 'needs' to pamper herself...... That's like asking me to give up Dark chocolate - it's NOT an option, lol! |
I can relate. I have never referred to myself as a femme. BUT from my first crush to my first relationship to my last, all butches. Not even a soft butch in there.
I came out at 14 and in the 70s, so butch wasn't the flavor of the day and no internet to find each other. I did always manage to find some mechanic, plumber or the like though. Still nothing like a thick motorcycle riding, independent, boot wearing, blue collar butch. Just sexy. Quote:
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**SWOON** You got that right sister!! |
I will share my own story of "you knew when.." when i get my thoughts together. I am loving this thread....the sharing and bonding with other femmes is fantastical!!! :)
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When I first started going to clubs in the late 80's, I encountered en mass flanelette shirts and blunstones (Australian work boots) LOL.... I was even told I was 'in the wrong place love' at women's bars. Well, I was not about to give up my girliness, my make-up, skirts or heels, so I ended up 'in the shadows' so to speak, mostly going to gay bars and drag shows.
When did I first realize I was a femme? Then, and also when I discovered the small b/f scene there was...at 'Pokies' drag show nights LOL |
I knew that I was a femme, when my neighbor across the street came over and started talking to me. It was crush at first sight...I love wearing my heels when I have the chance and I love my makeup, perfumes and shoe shopping...I also have my days where I will run around in shorts, t-shirts and sneakers. Just depends on my mood..
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This may sound awful, but...
I realised I was femme when I was 18 and with an abusive partner who didn't want a femme. She was a butch who only dated butches, and after I moved in with her, she started taking away my clothes, my makeup, pressuring me to keep my hair short, getting angry when I hung out with my straight friends... very controlling and nasty, for those and other reasons. Why was I with her? I was 18 and insecure, of course. But what I realised was that she was taking away everything that made me feel confident about myself - the way I could express myself physically and not just rely on my manner to speak for who I am. I wanted to present as femme. I didn't feel pretty, confident, attractive or even presentable because, let's face it, I made a pretty crappy butch. :) She was just into appearances, she was heterophobic and wanted her girlfriend to be "visibly queer". As it was, she kicked me out at 3am one day and moved her new butch girlfriend in 12 hours later. I started rebuilding myself and reclaiming who I was a short time later, and happily I've never had to look back. :) |
I have always been very feminine, but the first time I realized I was femme? Spending time at work with the first Butch I had ever met. ( ok I was sheltered when it came to gay life) I went from perplexed to all twitchy and nervous every time I saw her. Started planning my outfits for work more carefully.
I knew at that time that I was attracted to women but I had never given it much thought. Then I did some online investigating and found out what a strap on was. The birds sang, and the sun rose a little bit brighter. I was like yeah, the best of both worlds, I can do this. *blink* Then every time I saw her I found my self going hmmm, I wonder if she......... That only made me more nervous. LOL. Looking back, yeah I think she does. I have only been out in the Butch-Femme community. You want a good laugh? Put me in a room full of Lesbians and watch what happens when I "girl" flirts with me. You would think I was a teenager who had never been kissed..... CRAZY. |
I was in a bookstore in Provincetown, Mass...I was maybe 17 yrs old...I saw a book on a shelf called The Swashbuckler (by Lee Lynch)..on the cover was a woman wearing a black leather jacket, white tee, faded blue jeans and slicked back hair... leaning against a wall. I was instantly drawn..I opened the book to a random page. My eyes fell upon the words: Frenchy had Mercedes against the wall..she slid her hand into Mercedes panties and felt the wetness against the back of her knuckles..."....THAT WAS IT !! I was ABSOLUTELY FEMME !
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I always wondered how she got on in her next relationship, with a girl who was not only femme, tall and thin, but also blessed with model looks. |
I came out in the late '90's when I was 16, and living in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH. I didn't really have any real life dyke role models, so must of what I read about queer culture came from the internet. What I read generally regarded butch-femme as an archaic thing that no one really did anymore, and it seemed most dykes dressed in a crunchy, granola kind of way. So that was how I started dressing myself so I would "read gay.". Even so, my friends still made jokes about how "girly" I was- you can't get rid of your natural energy, I guess.
Femme hit me when I was 18. I moved away from that town and went to a liberal arts college that attracted a lot of kids from the SF Bay Area. They knew butch-femme wasn't dead. There was this one girl in particular that caught everyone's eye. She was gorgeous and feminine and everyone wanted her- not me, I wanted to BE her. Her and I got along quite well, and one night we were hanging out in her dorm room and she told me that there was a whole community of girly dykes out there, and anyone who told you that you were too feminine to be queer was clearly an idiot, so dress however you like. I reverted back to the dorky kid who watched too many old movies as kid, and started hunting down vintage dresses, cute heels, back-seam stockings. Except I wasn't a kid anymore. I met my first butch around this time, who loved and embraced my femininity, and who managed to turn me into a giggly mess in a way that no one else had. I knew this was for me. |
Its been awhile since I have been able to really say that I am femme but I'm at a point in my life where right now I know that I am a female, and even more so, femme. Its taken me three years of self discovery, coming out as FTM and taking a year's worth of male hormones, to see that in the end I was always meant to just be me. I miss everything about just being a femme, and to be honest my year of being on hormones made me learn more about myself than I ever had in my 30 years prior.
I don't regret my decision to take the hormones, as I said above it helped me to learn more about who I am and who I'm meant to be. I wanna be able to go out shopping with my female friends for clothes, shoes, even make-up ~ I wanna buy the pretty clothes and even a purse. There is so much that I have missed, and yet I know that there is alot that will just come naturally to me again and thats how I want it. I hope its okay if I come back into the femme circle - I'm sure it is, just wanna make sure .......... its good to be back home where I belong :-) |
I've only ever been in b/f relationships but I didn't realize that was unique until my second relationship.
The story: When I was in college my very butch partner Lauren and I found ourselves at a house party in Santa Cruz. Of course I was wearing an embroidered blue skirt with vintage peep toe heels, a blouse and a cardigan and she was wearing black pinstripe pants, dress shirt, shiny loafers and her fedora. We ran into a friend of mine from high school who was wearing a little black dress, her butch partner was wearing a dress shirt, slacks and a tie. I remember standing there talking with this lovely couple and then looking around the dirty living room filled with genderqueer boi dykes drinking PBR and wrestling with each other in their cutoff denim shorts, ironic trucker hats and handkerchiefs around their necks and realizing, oh. We're the weird ones. :blink: |
i love this thread & i did reply to it somewhere a page or two back, but i've been reading through some of the posts this evening & it's interesting to see that femme is not always the same thing from one girl to the next. i like this discovering of definition each femme identifies with. it really is a lovely garden isn't it?
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I knew I was femme, I was ME, when Bard told me I was beautiful with bed head, rumpled clothing and smeared mascara. Hy tells me every day, and for once, I can believe it :bunchflowers:
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