I too hesitated to post on a poly thread... for the following reason. When I realized that being with a partner who was poly, was NOT for me... I was accused of being.. immature, jealous, insecure, weak, didn't love myself or my partner, ... the list goes on and on.

I am not poly, I have tried being monogamous with a partner who was poly and it did NOT work for me. That didn't make me any of the above mentioned things... it simply made me... me. Monogamous and wanting the same in a partner.

:)
 

That's great that you allowed yourself the freedom to explore that option, now you know it's just not going to work for your relationships.

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

Thoughts
 

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.

Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .

Ditto.. Hell, i don't even do one time hook ups if the other is leaving their partner in the dark or "experimenting" *shrugs* Just how I work.. But then, that is for me, other's may disagree.

*goes back to reading quietly*

Where do you get off suggesting everyone is not fully informed????
You quote me AND THEN post that is not poloyamory for YOU!!!

I DO NOT CHEAT... EVER ON ANY ONE!!!

I DO NOT LIE >>EVEN TO GET TO HOLD SOMEONES HAND!!!!

I take four to six months gettiing to know someone, before a sexual relationship is even possible

You have no right to accuse me of such a thing or use my post as an example of cheating.

Excuse me I was speaking from me space about what I expect in poly. Your example which I happened to quote in our household would be cheating. I even preferanced it in "me" space. There is no need to chastise me for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread.

ditto. yaay poly happiness for anyone else. not so much for me.

i had a similar experience decades ago. only difference was that i was jealous and immature and insecure. the person making the accusation was a cheating asshat of the gold medal Olympian variety but that didnt make it any less true that i was also jealous and immature and insecure. i think a poly/mono relationship can work because there's no way *i* can say that they cant. blanket statements make my eyebrows go all twitchy. with that on the record, i know that *i* still dont have the emotional maturity it takes to be poly or to be in a relationship with someone who is.

I do NOT agree, if there was a lack of clarity, the question of that should have been asked, ... instead a judgemnt of my behavior, by someone who what to look down her nose at me, was posted on an open forum.

I did not say her husband was in the dark!!!!

That was a made up accusation!!!

I wrote, "I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around."

I hang out and played pool with her husband, he was fully informed, BEFORE any sexual contact took place... IF a woman is single and does not want her co workers or her mother to know she is gay then she has that right... I respect the terms agreed to between each person I am involved with!

If her rules of relationship with someone else, is such that SHE may be with whom she pleases when she pleases.... that is a call for those who are exchanging body fluids.... NOT judgemntal people on the internet who are not part of the relationship.

Poly is a short hand for polyamorus, I did not nitpick a meaning out of context and make a slangerous accusation toward anyone on this thread.

I am not dishonest! I do not cheat!

In my comments back>> because I was quoted, are not chastisement for discussing polyamory in a polyamory thread. IT is chastisement for quoteing me and makeing comment that suggest I am dishonest and deceatful...

>>Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow -- "That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not."<<

"this example" refering to my post, is the statment shows the intent to defame me, and say I am not honest in my actions,

For the record this IS My code of conduct : http://polyamorysociety.org/tools.html

Oy vey
 

I didn't think anything needed clarification, there wasn't any judgement nor was it personal. I was talking about "my" views on poly relationships. Your poly, my poly, Joe the Plumbers poly will all be different my bad if you're upset over my wording.

i agree with the lack of sex stupidity...however both of my partners definitely consider themselves monogamous. everyone i've ever dated who considered themselves monogamous still did after we started dating. (i consider this akin to the whole question of "does who you date change your id" - i.e. if a lesbian dates a transman does that mean she's not a lesbian - and my opinion is that your id is your id. it's different for everyone i guess.)

My statement about the definition of "poly" ...which could be short for polyfidelitous, or polyamorous, or polygamy... was not a slam toward you or an accusation. It was meant to open up the conversation wider than the single term polyamory, but fuck it - I will just sit back and enjoy the show.

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner?

YES!!! .... he was fully aware!!! EVERYONE who needs to know is fully aware.

If you where her partner you would have known everything.... because I meet and talk with everyone or it doesn't happen. We all talk, visit each others homes and meet family members (even children and pets) and have meals to getther before it ever gets that far....

As well... my primary meets them ... we all get to know and trust each other.. how else is a relationship built?

>>it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.<<

how the h#ll is it being sneaky??? we are out in public having dinner-- openly talking about issues of our lives-- every one reads every else email etc--

(sarcasim)-- I am supposed to sent you a note too???--

How high an mighty can people get-- judgeing other with what they "consider poly" or not...

and I don't give a flip what peopel on the internet think is "correct' poly' or not...
the woman I spend time with... she matters... I care that her needs are met and if that means we act like straight girlfriends out in public...so be it...
I do NOTHING behind any partners back. Mine or hers.

Back to the question of if poly/mono can work - in my experience it can. Sometimes it did, othertimes it didn't. I've had both types of relationships go up in purple polkadotted flames. I've been on both sides of each equation.

I have taken away many things from the experiences, most importantly (for me) is I realized neither is "better" just different. I can appreciate the uniqueness of each situation and also that what works for each person and couple, triad etc. is different.

Your mileage will certainly vary..

*AHEM* since the thread is intended for opinions...
 

I think if person A enters in a relationship with person B who has other lovers, person A can consider this monogamous if person B is their only mate / sexual partner. As someone else mentioned, person A has the right to self-identify and that identity may or may not fit in with what other people think.

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Also, i feel MONO means two people and no one else, period.

i would not consider myself mono if i entered into a relationship where my partner had other lovers. Am i wrong here?
----------------





I like to view my world as poly-dementional. Poly being the key word, this could mean:


A- is monogamous to B not because A is not allowed to not be in other dynamics but because A feels and decides that B is fulfilling all needs. Even though A is mono now it doesn't mean A has to stay that way, A has consent and there's an understanding A can find X if they choose to.

There are also scenarios where A & B are both seeing other Alphabet characters outside of their dynamic:


A has a relationship with LMN

B may only have a relationship with Z


Z may be involved with W who happens to not be kinky/a foodie/ a person who likes travels so W is totally fine with Z finding U and doing those things with them.

Poly relationships are as different as the people involved the key is transparency.


PS

I meant to say dimensional not dementianal in post 62 I can't fucking correct it on my damn iPhone so sorry for the misspelling:|

More thoughts
 

One of my favorite things about poly is that it doesn't have to be complicated it could be as easy as S and N having a commitment that completely devoid of sexual activities or sexual connections!

Yes, and we don't often think of them that way, and almost never discuss it. I'll pull out my annoying definition once again of "loving more than one"... A sexual component is not required.

I agree! If I could still edit my post, I'd add the disclaimer that the question specified "lovers" which I interpreted to be sexual but it may not have been meant that way.

It seems that I am in a poly relationship and I am a mono by what this thread is saying.

I might need to re read more but it seems that this is what I am in.

:| Lord help me

I've just re-read the thread because it popped up and there is a lot of good stuff here.

However, I think after as many years and partners as I've had, and different kinds of relationships (open triad, polyfidelity triad, monog, non-monog [open only to sex with others, not new romantic relationships], polyamorous in a non-family way but primary partners with secondary partners, and poly as in no primary partners)
That there are two things I find really important to distinguish -
And that's the difference between jealousy and possessiveness.

Jealousy is the feeling you get when you feel something you deserve and not receiving is given to someone else. Like that sick feeling in your gut when you feel ignored and unappreciated, taken for granted, and your partner appears to be chatting up someone across the room. It feels awful and erasing. It has to do with feelings of self value and relationship value.

Possessiveness is the feelings of anger when someone you don't know is *leaning on your car* YOUR car. Wtf?? What kind of disrespect is that. Leaning on MY fucking car. They have no concept of respecting other people's property.

Except, substitute "car" with "partner" and "leaning" with "talking/flirting/touching" and it implies rights of ownership and you setting the boundaries of ownership.

Personally? I can deal with people struggling with ownership. It has nothing to do with me and their anger is directed at other people, not me. I tend to roll my eyes and tell them good luck with that. And I can tease them about it if they are able to accept and laugh at themselves. But I can't cope with those who cant understand that possessiveness is their own problem and can't laugh at themselves about it. I get it too sometimes, and it's easier to joke about to let go of, for me.

Jealousy is different. It's insidious and a core esteem issue as well as an issue about attention. And if there is an imbalance in how much attention someone just naturally gives people and how much someone craves, it will throw a huge wrench into any open or poly relationship. The five love languages are a big deal here. So is levels of attention, companionship desires. I will feel smothered if someone constantly focuses on me, I don't like being the centre of constant attention, I feel like I can't breathe. Someone else may lap that up. So bring in another person into that discrepancy and it's pouring fuel on a massive potential problem that *will* combust at some point.

Just passing thoughts and learning lessons as I saw this thread come up again.

Would I be in another monog relationship after the one I posted about? Maybe. But it would take me a really long time to trust monogamy now, and most monogamous people I know in dykeland don't have the patience to not be monogamous until trust is establish.

There has been some discussion on things but this poly/mono came up on here and from what I am reading it sounds like my relationship. That's what I was referring to.

Can poly work with mono?
 

I would say very rarely..it doesn't mean it can't but even when it's consensual...not really...for awhile but not for the long haul..there needs to be balance and in such a relationship it's incredibly hard...imo.........it leads to unhappiness...you're basically talking about a polygamous experience...ie. fundamentalist Mormons, who I'm personally very familiar with...even for Jesus, hard to live, happily...easier perhaps among pagans, but not by much, sharing the same bed, helps...again, by personal experience...

So, I'm in a relationship with someone who is monogamous. He only is ever with me, in any sense of that. I am poly and date others. We have loved each other for sixteen years, and been in a deeply committed relationship for nine. We got married six years ago. Our relationship is truly for the long haul. We have balance, we are both getting our needs met, and we work very hard at communicating what we want here. You're right that this is not for everyone, but I'm living proof that it's possible and can result in a healthy dynamic if we commit to it. In a polygamous relationship in the Mormon sense, there doesn't often seem to be true consent on the part of the women. My beloved spouse consented to this with his eyes wide open, and that is a very big difference. He is committed to me being all of who I am, including this part of me. In turn, I am committed to his happiness, too. His monogamy is about his behavior, he understands that it does not have to control mine. I know we are not the rule. We've poured years of work into our relationship, where many would have given up. That work has paid off in a marriage that is deeply loving, supportive, sexy, and fun.

You're lucky...and I know luck has nothing to do with it..but you understand it's very rare..the work and love involved would be incredible..i admire well constructed relationships..blessings <B

I think it can work if the work is put into the relationship, communication is key in my opinion. Keeping an open dialogue between all parties is good, so noone feels like there is any problems not being addressed, etc.