Tantalizing, I would suggest for the first few calls, make yourself more comfortable by not letting Dapper know that this is a "poop call." If Dapper questions any grunting sounds or general exertion in your voice, just tell DB that you happen to be in the midst of preparing a gourmet cheese plate for yourself and that you are having some difficulty with opening a jar of olives. :phonegab:

Lmao... it sounds so stressful.

My mother, bless her heart, was only trying to make sure I learned 'the rules' the right way - her mother, gramma, was not far behind her either!

LOL!

Matter of fact, I have to have practically a years worth of toilet paper in the bathroom cabinets (it's got a cabinet of its own) or I will feel like I don't have enough toilet paper - not to mention pads, tampons, shampoo, air freshener (I use scentsy's now), and music - got to have a radio or something in there. ;)

omg... that is hysterical.

OMG.

THIS.

YES!

I can't breathe...

* three pages in less than five minutes*


LOL!


26 members present seconds ago
(several several 'guests')

:vigil:

This thread is amazing. I can poop at work, at the mall, etc., and not a single fuck will be given, but there's a friend I have kind of a crush on and I CANNOT poop at his house. Or, if we're traveling and staying in a hotel together, I can't poop in the hotel either.

Unfortunately, he has no filter and will say things like "Wow, you sure did let out a big fart in your sleep last night." Thanks buddy.

We're going down to Bumbershoot in Seattle for the upcoming long weekend, and I am not looking forward to 3 days of not pooping. :| I'm hoping I can sneak away to Nordstrom for a few minutes, they usually have nice bathrooms.

OH NO YOU DI'INT!!!!

OH...OH....hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It was!!

What finally got me to just take my dump and be unapologetic about it was that we started having this giggling conversation about how we had been friends for 5 years and had talked about shit in almost every conversation. Jackhammer was like, "What is wrong that we talked about it for 5 years and nobody wants to do it?"

I was like, "You first, honey!"

Needless to say, I was visiting her when the urge hit and I was like "It's now or never in my head". So I boldly stood up and announced, "I'M going to POOP!"

Jackhammer laughed at me and I was all proud of myself.

Off I trotted to the bathroom and boldly crapped with her sitting just down the hall in the living room.

I was so proud of myself!

Until I tried to flush the toilet.

I flushed and nothing went down.

I flushed again and some of it went down and stopped.

The toilet gurgled.

Water started coming up toward the top.

:|

I watched in HORROR as the toilet came within centimeters of overflowing and my "work" made stripes around the bowl.

I considered crawling out the window.

I ran water in the sink to try to make it sound normal.

I waited for the water to recede in the toilet enough that I felt safe flushing again.

I flushed.

Gurgle.

Nothing happened.

More water rose back up.

I realized at this point that I had plugged the toilet up.

Perhaps in my toilet paper zeal.

Perhaps because I had been holding it for 3 days.

:|

I must have been in the bathroom for a long time because, next thing I know Jackhammer is in the hallway, mere feet from the door, asking if I'm ok.

"Uhhhhh.....", I said.

"Babe?", she said.

"Um. DON'T COME DOWN HERE!", I said.

"WHY?", she said.

:|

"GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR, BABE!", I shriek.

"BABE! Tell me you are OK!", she said.

"I'm OK but I.......I need........"

"WHAT do you need?" she asks

"I NEED A FREAKING PLUNGER AND DON'T YOU SAY A FUCKING WORD!", I bark at her.

Needless to say, she bursts out laughing.

I burst out laughing.

And I am laughing so hard that when she says, "Come out of there and let me plunge it", that I literally fall back over the tub and almost rip the shower curtain down.

She wiggles the door handle at this point.

I am laughing and trying to yell at her to "GET. AWAY. FROM. THE. FUCKING. DOOR!" LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I ended up sticking my hand through the door where she thrusts a plunger to me and I take care of the ordeal myself.

Yes, we laughed.

Yes, I was mortified.

Yes, it opened the floodgates for shitting because after that? I didn't give a fuck anymore. I mean, you can't really go back to being a secret shitter when you stop up the fucking toilet in your honeyboo's house. :|

My mother always complained that my father always pooped right before the guests would arrive at the house for a dinner party. She would grab the lysol and spray the entire upstairs. And because we were little and not invited, we were stuck in our rooms upstairs with the stink. (AND, she would leave the bathroom door wide open and not shut it to contain the smell)

To this day, whenever I small lysol spray, I always think it smells pooey.

O

M

G

!

I am going to bed before I explode.

Amen.

This is the best. It's the turtle...

Maybe I can do practice calls with you guys...

My stomach hurts I'm laughing to hard.

I can just imagine the horror when you saw the water started rising... and the silent pleading for the water to stay in the bowl.....

I farted in June and Kat's bedroom at 3am while Sassyleo snored on an air mattress and Cara was getting ready for bed.

And then both June and I got in trouble because we couldn't stop giggling about it.

I'm colorblind !!!!!!!!

We could call it code "fire in the hole"?

Back in the old days on the Dash site, there was a Bash in New Orleans in 2003 (I think?).

Well, I went downstairs to the room where they were having the Meet and Greet and saw like 20 people filing out of the room. I thought for a split second that I had missed it but quickly realized when I entered the ballroom that someone had farted and done that "crop-dusting" thing where they had spread it all around the room. :|

You need your own TV show.

Priceless.

lol and I bet the culprit filed out first.

I have a double standard when it comes to farting. We live in a small NYC apartment, and farts linger. I ask BB to stand outside the apartment door if she has to fart, preferable outside the door of the Kluger's, the neighbors I don't care for who live adjacent to our apartment. BB grumbled about me being too neurotic but would open the door part way and gas towards the hall. Unfortunately, then when she'd close the door, half of it seemed to come right back in, propelled with vigor by the closing door! When I pushed the issue, I was accused of being anal and BB yelled that she'd be damned if she was going to go out in the hall, especially in only her underwear at night, just to do a fart ("What if someone happens to get off the elevator?! You're crazy!". Like the crafty femme that I am, I knew to let the issue go a bit and then approached her with the offer that after a total of five farts were done sufficiently outside our apartment, she would receive a present. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. She perked up, and we had a deal. I ordered some crap from her Amazon wish list and like a child on Christmas, after her fifth fart outside the apartment, she eagerly tore into her present. If only this is where it ended. Our one bathroom is directly to the side of our bedroom. In other words, the two small rooms are connected by a door. While BB was sitting on the toilet I heard the tiniest of farts and said admonishingly in a low tone, "B...B..." (drawing out the "B"s). BB said, "What?! I am on the toilet! Who are you?! The fart police?!" Sadly, while I am controlling about her farts, I think I can be slick. I try to keep them quiet and use tricks such as quickly pulling up the blankets, off-handedly mentioning that one of the cats just used the litter box, or letting just a bit out at a time (when possible). Even sadder, I am told now and then by BB that I am certainly not fooling her. She just isn't as controlling when it comes to a partner expelling gas in the home, though one time she let out a primitive cry, like "Whoooo!" when I released a particularly foul one. :blush:

I can't breathe.... lol

Sharing is caring. We won't judge you!! :)

Geez, I really need to go to bed but this thread is cracking me up! I can't stop:giggle:

Me too. I keep looking at the clock.

BWWAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAAAAHHAHAHHA!!!!


Have you ever tried holding one cheek of your butt up when you do it? It totally keeps it from making that clapping noise!!

Your ass claps?? I must be doing it wrong LMAO

Anal applause!

See now, I think you might have sumthin there. For women that are attention whores and cannot poop in front of partner or in public bathrooms, just think, everytime they poop, they get applause and adulation LMAO

:rofl:

My mother did this the other day. Lol next time I'm gonna tell her it was a lovely applause.

There is something wrong with you! :fart:

Too funny

I do that like, allllll the time, and thank goodness BB's mind just doesn't conceive that such weird, contrived things like this go on in the world, so she just sits reading her Kindle beside me in bed, oblivious, as I pull up the covers, roll onto my side, slowly put my hand on my hip like a model, lift an ass cheek and gracefully expel a thick yet silent stream of steaming hot gas beneath the covers. And most embarrassingly, I am sometimes so proud of my feat that I can't resist sticking my head under the covers to get a whiff of what I just pulled off! All I can say is I sure am lucky that BB spends all her time in the BFP arcade and wouldn't roost on a thread like this in a million years!

AHHAHAHAHAH!!!

I have TOTALLY done the hand on the hip trick too!!!

Like, "Look how sexy I am!"......ssssssssttt!

Bodily functions are universal!!

And it's even better when people admit that it's FUNNY!

I am 35 years old and I laugh every.single.time. I hear someone fart.

Oh yes I do!! Friends teased me in the past, until they really thought about it - then they wanted to borrow my spray! :winky:

Also - my bathroom is right between the 2 bedrooms, but it's the spare room - my office - that stinks after someone is done in my bathroom, so I dont just light incense in the bathroom, I like one in the office as well. I take care of that shit (pun intended)!

I think you all should have a phone tree - then when one of you needs to visit the head, you can call someone on the phone tree and she can call your SO and keep them occupied while you are ... well, occupied! lol