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BullDog 09-02-2012 12:26 PM

LOL Words. Well if I do get married I will be the groom and wearing a tuxedo. So you never can tell. ;)

Tony 09-02-2012 12:27 PM

I'm kind of an old fashioned guy who holds on to some rituals. With my second wife, she had three children. Her daughter, the youngest, was displaced 1,000 miles from her home & friends right after 8th grade graduation when her mother moved up here to me after doing LDR for a year. We discussed marriage but I did take one on one time with the kids to tell them my intent & in essence ask their permission. I was fairly sure it would be yes because their mom was very happy. However, had it been no, I doubt we would have married. The children are part of the package & they need to be just as happy. In the end, they were thrilled, I proposed, she said yes & both her sons walked her down the aisle.
Just my experience.

Okiebug61 09-02-2012 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spritzerJ (Post 645234)
I think that IF I was ever going to marry again...
I would not ask Stoney's mom and hy probably wouldn't ask my mom.

marriage is not going to happen... 'cause the whole marriage thing I've tried several ways. And I've managed to stick to 1 contract in my life. That was the donor contract. So I'm thinking I'll end up with a contract like that or something just ours.

However,
I do however think it would be humorous to listen to the moms talk to each other about us formalizing a commitment. Because sometimes when hy and I talk about our mothers they are very alike. And if I had my sense of humor and a suit of armor on it could be really funny.

Red and I think commitment ceremonies are cool but as long as marriage is considered a religious ceremony that is governed by the feds, states or cities then we are not into that. We are guaranteed separation of Church and State until that takes place it's no marriage for us.

Words 09-02-2012 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog (Post 645242)
LOL Words. Well if I do get married I will be the groom and wearing a tuxedo. So you never can tell. ;)

That's what I mean, you should never assume:)

BTW - congrats on the anniversary!

Words

The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 12:30 PM

Thanks for clarifying
 
I get it now, so you are in a heteronormative/straight relationship, therefore you being butch=male and she being femme=female.

So since you are butch=male you went with the whole ask for her hand in marriage etc etc.


I get it.

I thought I'd share a thread Mrs Arcstriker started for couples such as yourselves here is the link

CLICK ME


You'd probably get more traditional advice from them than most of us.

Good luck on your nuptials!!:)

Ginger 09-02-2012 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645244)
I'm kind of an old fashioned guy who holds on to some rituals. With my second wife, she had three children. Her daughter, the youngest, was displaced 1,000 miles from her home & friends right after 8th grade graduation when her mother moved up here to me after doing LDR for a year. We discussed marriage but I did take one on one time with the kids to tell them my intent & in essence ask their permission. I was fairly sure it would be yes because their mom was very happy. However, had it been no, I doubt we would have married. The children are part of the package & they need to be just as happy. In the end, they were thrilled, I proposed, she said yes & both her sons walked her down the aisle.
Just my experience.


And your reasons for not marrying, if the kids had been opposed to it, would have been out of putting them first, and being compassionate about their needs. It shows good parental instinct.

My sense is that (ironically) if they had been opposed to the marriage and your response was not to marry, that would have prompted them to trust you more, and it might have put them on a path to accept the marriage at a later point.

But a partner's parents are not in the same category as a partner's kids, and the response comes from a different place. (Goes without saying but I'm saying it anyway)

BullDog 09-02-2012 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Words (Post 645247)
That's what I mean, you should never assume:)

BTW - congrats on the anniversary!

Words

Thank you! It is not a wedding anniversary but very meaningful for us. :)

Tony 09-02-2012 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IslandScout (Post 645250)
And your reasons for not marrying, if the kids had been opposed to it, would have been out of putting them first, and being compassionate about their needs. It shows good parental instinct.

My sense is that (ironically) if they had been opposed to the marriage and your response was not to marry, that would have prompted them to trust you more, and it might have put them on a path to accept the marriage at a later point.

But a partner's parents are not in the same category as a partner's kids, and the response comes from a different place. (Goes without saying but I'm saying it anyway)

And needless to say, if the kids weren't ok with it, she wouldn't have been either. I made sure to include, bond & form a relationship with her kids from the very beginning. It was a respect issue as well.

princessbelle 09-02-2012 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog (Post 645242)
LOL Words. Well if I do get married I will be the groom and wearing a tuxedo. So you never can tell. ;)

Just wanted to quote that and swoon again. ;)

But in regards to asking the father before the bride....

My view is what other's have said. It reminds me of the time that the women had no say about who they married or when. A bio man asked the father, they shook on it and there may have been a dowry in the works and that was that. It had as much to do with money as it did the girl, IMO. Next thing the girl was told she was getting married. End of story. Sounds horrible.


On the flip side though, i do believe it is sorta ok to tell the parents or family prior to asking the wife. Key word is "tell or inform". That's my view on it though.

I mean to each his/hys/her own, but that would be creepy to me. My father is deceased, but if he were still alive, i don't think i would like that at all.



The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 12:54 PM

Fact!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645258)
And needless to say, if the kids weren't ok with it, she wouldn't have been either. I made sure to include, bond & form a relationship with her kids from the very beginning. It was a respect issue as well.


This rings true for *me*, if The Pack says no, then no kinda long lasting relationship will form. That's a whole other thread...

Tony 09-02-2012 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 645273)
This rings true for *me*, if The Pack says no, then no kinda long lasting relationship will form. That's a whole other thread...

Absolutely true dat! If kids ain't happy, mama ain't happy.
If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. ;-)

stephfromMIT 09-02-2012 01:01 PM

Lady-I'm not trans.

The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 01:05 PM

:|
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT (Post 645275)
Lady-I'm not trans.

I know, I gathered this from what *you* told me.

butch=male

femme=female


I NEVER assign or assume gender roles, I go with what people tell me they are or how they live.

Greyson 09-02-2012 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645274)
Absolutely true dat! If kids ain't happy, mama ain't happy.
If mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. ;-)



I was raised in a very strong matriarchial family. Most of the women raised the family primarily on their own and worked. In my extended family you want to pass mustard with my mom, her sisters, and my twin sister.

Soon 09-02-2012 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Okiebug61 (Post 645246)
Red and I think commitment ceremonies are cool but as long as marriage is considered a religious ceremony that is governed by the feds, states or cities then we are not into that. We are guaranteed separation of Church and State until that takes place it's no marriage for us.

Religion is only involved if the couple chooses to involve it. A marriage is just as valid in the eyes of the State without any religious involvement--hence the term civil marriage is used in the fight for marriage equality so people wont think we are demanding any of their church's participation or approval.

Tony 09-02-2012 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greyson (Post 645279)
I was raised in a very strong matriarchial family. Most of the women raised the family primarily on their own and worked. In my extended family you want to pass mustard with my mom, her sisters, and my twin sister.

I'm of the ilk that women do truly rule the world. One way or another. They raised the men that sit in power. They're married to the men in power. And more & more they are assuming that power.
And not necessarily a bad thing.

Hey, instead of having wars, we'd just have a bunch of countries not talking to each other. Lol.

The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 01:35 PM

Say whatttttttttt?!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645310)
I'm of the ilk that women do truly rule the world. One way or another. They raised the men that sit in power. They're married to the men in power. And more & more they are assuming that power.
And not necessarily a bad thing.

Hey, instead of having wars, we'd just have a bunch of countries not talking to each other. Lol.

:|

Fo' realz???


I identify with Greyson's dynamic, coming from a Latina/o Mexican/Chicana/o culture it's our women who say how
things roll..

firegal 09-02-2012 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645310)
I'm of the ilk that women do truly rule the world. One way or another. They raised the men that sit in power. They're married to the men in power. And more & more they are assuming that power.
And not necessarily a bad thing.

Hey, instead of having wars, we'd just have a bunch of countries not talking to each other. Lol.

Whats also wonderfull is women are also married to women in power!

Tony 09-02-2012 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 645312)
:|

Fo' realz???

No disrespect, Lady, just my personal observation & opinion.
And I did say its a good thing. Women have a much better reasoning power than we do. IMO

The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 01:40 PM

True story
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645317)
No disrespect, Lady, just my personal observation & opinion.
And I did say its a good thing. Women have a much better reasoning power than we do. IMO

Funny, I don't think communication is gender based...

Also scientifically YOU have the same brain I do...

So your observations make no sense to me...

aishah 09-02-2012 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 645248)
I get it now, so you are in a heteronormative/straight relationship, therefore you being butch=male and she being femme=female.

So since you are butch=male you went with the whole ask for her hand in marriage etc etc.


I get it.

I thought I'd share a thread Mrs Arcstriker started for couples such as yourselves here is the link

CLICK ME


You'd probably get more traditional advice from them than most of us.

Good luck on your nuptials!!:)

i had no idea that thread was supposed to be about heteronormative relationships. i thought it was about trans folks and partners of trans folks (heteronormative or not).

The_Lady_Snow 09-02-2012 01:42 PM

Yikes
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aishah (Post 645321)
i had no idea that thread was supposed to be about heteronormative relationships. i thought it was about trans folks and partners of trans folks.


:| I must of read it wrong

My apologies

Shit, sorry Steph I was totally mistaken about the thread I put the saddle ahead of the horse:|

apretty 09-02-2012 01:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645310)
Hey, instead of having wars, we'd just have a bunch of countries not talking to each other. Lol.

This isn't funny, having a vagina doesn't make you a passive aggressive communicator.

Tcountry 09-02-2012 01:43 PM

To me it is tradition& respect to ask the head of household ..or at least tell them, hey this is what I'd like to do...
its not about the response ..its about showing them the respect of asking.

Of course there are limits ...if she isn't close to family, if family has left this physical world, things like that....but traditionally, if possible...yes I would respect the head of household. But that's just me...& thats assuming I would be the one asking.

aishah 09-02-2012 01:45 PM

c. and i have exchanged rings. i don't know if we'll ever have a ceremony, and we can't get legally married. my parents were gone well before we got together and he doesn't have a close relationship with his, although i might be meeting his dad at christmas. neither of us are big fans of tradition so there was no asking (nor would there ever be). the only person whose consent really matters to either of us is our own.

Martina 09-02-2012 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tcountry (Post 645327)
the head of household ..or at least tell them

ick if that is assumed to be dad as a rule

Tony 09-02-2012 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow (Post 645320)
Funny, I don't think communication is gender based...

Also scientifically YOU have the same brain I do...

So your observations make no sense to me...

Well, I don't claim to make sense. Lol. I was also agreeing w/Greyson but obviously not communicating well. I believe women are in charge AND they should be. Albeit, more visibly, but I still think more than people believe they are. And again, THAT'S A GOOD THING! ;-)

bright_arrow 09-02-2012 01:51 PM

Our wedding and such
 
This is a slight derail, but with the talk of religion and rituals and wedding and heterosexuality and such, I figured I may as well mention our wedding and how/why we did what we did, if there was even a reason.

We were legally married within an inter-faith church by a pagan priestess. We were given a blessing by a fellow pastor because he wanted to be there, and his religion would not allow him to marry us so that was the best gift he could give us.

The church we were married in is one of Bard's favorite places. It was not a matter of religion, or how it may be more acceptable to society - it was simply a place that was sacred to her. Mary, our priestess, was absolutely wonderful. We wanted more of a spiritual ceremony than religious. She spoke of the elements, the higher being, the union of our families - vague enough not to offend any of my Catholic family but enough to feel the love.

We had a unity sand with three vases to bring Bard's daughter into the ceremony with us, because it was not a bonding of not two but three. We were handfasted, then exchanged rings because as Mary put it: we can not be together physically all the time, so the rings are a representation of our bond and commitment towards each other.

I am her wife, and she is my husband, wife, husbutch - we have not settled on an exact term. Normally, she is just my wife. My father (lovingly) will refer to her as my husband, and she occasionally refers to herself as my hus(house)butch. There is fluidity in the pronouns, but we don't care. I wore a dress because I like dresses, and she wore a tux because she likes tuxes. It was not a matter of her representing the 'man' in the relationship. It's just how she dresses, and it is no different than her everyday wear.

Would our wedding fit the stereotypical heterosexual wedding? Yes. Do I care? Not in the least. I got married, our family and friends were there to celebrate it with us, and we put aside enough wedding money to come celebrate with you fine folks. Win, win!

:rrose:

Ciaran 09-02-2012 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645317)
And I did say its a good thing. Women have a much better reasoning power than we do. IMO

I detest this sort of gender stereotyping. In my mind, it's the reverse of "women cannot ...." way of thinking and it's the same bull****.

Doesn't matter whether you say it's a good thing or whether it's seen as pro-women. In my opinion, it's crude gender stereotyping.

Kobi 09-02-2012 01:54 PM


Asking for a womans hand in marriage is steeped, as Bully and Belle pointed out, from the days where women were seen as property and "asking" was more of a negotiation as to the terms of the transfer of ownership. In some cases/cultures, it was the groom offering payment in exchange for the bride. In others, it was the brides family providing payment in order to marry off a daughter.

The meanings of engagement/wedding traditions change thru the years and they have gone from practical and functional to being romanticized. Not sure what to call todays ways of doing things.

Did you know:

Engagement ring: The engagement ring represents the marriage purchase where the groom made a partial payment for the bride and represented his honorable intention.

Best man: Warriors who stole their wives needed a warrior to help them fight off the woman's family and prevent them from finding the couple.

Bride on the left: The bride's family is on the left and the grooms family is on the right during weddings because in warrior days, the groom held the bride in his left hand and fought off her family with his right hand as he stole her away.

Carrying bride: During the days of "Marriage by Capture," the bride was certainly not going to go peacefully into the bridegroom's abode; thus, she was dragged or carried across the threshold.

Honeymoon: When warrior grooms abducted their wives they would stay hidden with them for a month, or through all of the moon's changes so that when the family found them she would already be pregnant.

Bridal Shower: It is believed that the first bridal shower was for a poor couple who were not given a dowry because the groom was a miller. Instead of getting the dowry from the father, the miller's friends showered the bride with gifts. Or, it may come from Holland, when bride's father did not approve of the husband-to-be, he would not provide her with the necessary dowry. The bride's friends would therefore "shower" her with gifts so she would have her dowry and thus marry the man of her choice.

Shoes Tied on the Car Bumper - Brides' shoes once were considered to be symbols of authority and possession. They used to be taken from her when she was led to the wedding place, and given to the groom by her father, effecting the transfer of his authority to her husband and as a sign that the husband now had possession of her (and she couldn't run away). The new husband then tapped her on the head to show his new role as her master. :twitch:

Incidentally, the ever-popular horn honking has its beginnings in the days when brides traveled in open carriages. They were an easy target for evil spirits, so defenders would use bells and firecrackers to scare them away.

I learn the most interesting things from participating on this site.

And, I have forgotten what the original question was. Can someone let me know when the prenuptial agreement thread starts?


aishah 09-02-2012 01:56 PM

the head of our household was my mom...even though she did remarry a few years after getting divorced. she made the decisions no matter what.

i think that's one of the funny things about our relationship...i love it when he tops, or takes on the role of daddy (we take turns, it's cool)...but he usually defers to me when it comes to decision making.

with traditional marriage stuff, a lot of the ickiness i have with it is around class and cultural differences. even if my parents were alive, there'd be no asking, although my mom's input would probably be a part of the process of deciding whether the relation even GOT that far. i mean, my mom's opinion mattered a lot to me so if she thought it was a bad idea then i'd stop and question why, though it wouldn't be a make or break thing. most people don't really get legally married, though, so i don't think it would be an issue that we can't and don't want to...we'd fit right in with the rest of my family, lol.

but paying for the wedding and economic support and all that...i get that some people can do that or want to do that, but it completely and utterly blows my mind. i don't know anybody growing up whose parents did that (or were able to). c.'s extended family is pretty upper class and traditional so i guess they see things that way when it comes to his cousins and stuff, but for me it's mind-boggling. i mean, i know people do it, it's just very far removed from the way i grew up and the relationships i was around, so it's hard for me to imagine.

Tony 09-02-2012 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ciaran (Post 645339)
I detest this sort of gender stereotyping. In my mind, it's the reverse of "women cannot ...." way of thinking and it's the same bull****.

With all due respect, I am not stereotyping. I am however obviously guilty of not communicating well today via this stupid smart phone.
And I said nothing remotely resembling "women cannot."
I do believe I was more than supportive of women, so my apologies for being misunderstood.

stephfromMIT 09-02-2012 01:59 PM

desd-Other than our officiant being a UU minister, our weddings are quite similiar.

Kobi-VERY interesting info on traditions and their origins.

BullDog 09-02-2012 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by desd (Post 645337)
This is a slight derail, but with the talk of religion and rituals and wedding and heterosexuality and such, I figured I may as well mention our wedding and how/why we did what we did, if there was even a reason.

We were legally married within an inter-faith church by a pagan priestess. We were given a blessing by a fellow pastor because he wanted to be there, and his religion would not allow him to marry us so that was the best gift he could give us.

The church we were married in is one of Bard's favorite places. It was not a matter of religion, or how it may be more acceptable to society - it was simply a place that was sacred to her. Mary, our priestess, was absolutely wonderful. We wanted more of a spiritual ceremony than religious. She spoke of the elements, the higher being, the union of our families - vague enough not to offend any of my Catholic family but enough to feel the love.

We had a unity sand with three vases to bring Bard's daughter into the ceremony with us, because it was not a bonding of not two but three. We were handfasted, then exchanged rings because as Mary put it: we can not be together physically all the time, so the rings are a representation of our bond and commitment towards each other.

I am her wife, and she is my husband, wife, husbutch - we have not settled on an exact term. Normally, she is just my wife. My father (lovingly) will refer to her as my husband, and she occasionally refers to herself as my hus(house)butch. There is fluidity in the pronouns, but we don't care. I wore a dress because I like dresses, and she wore a tux because she likes tuxes. It was not a matter of her representing the 'man' in the relationship. It's just how she dresses, and it is no different than her everyday wear.

Would our wedding fit the stereotypical heterosexual wedding? Yes. Do I care? Not in the least. I got married, our family and friends were there to celebrate it with us, and we put aside enough wedding money to come celebrate with you fine folks. Win, win!

:rrose:

Yes exactly! I wore a tux last year to the Reunion and will wear one this year. If I get married I will be wearing one as well. I will be a butch groom, not representing the man. :)

I do not subscribe to butch=male; femme=female. Some do, but I do not.

bright_arrow 09-02-2012 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aishah (Post 645344)
the head of our household was my mom...even though she did remarry a few years after getting divorced. she made the decisions no matter what.

i think that's one of the funny things about our relationship...i love it when he tops, or takes on the role of daddy (we take turns, it's cool)...but he usually defers to me when it comes to decision making.

with traditional marriage stuff, a lot of the ickiness i have with it is around class and cultural differences. even if my parents were alive, there'd be no asking, although my mom's input would probably be a part of the process of deciding whether the relation even GOT that far. i mean, my mom's opinion mattered a lot to me so if she thought it was a bad idea then i'd stop and question why, though it wouldn't be a make or break thing. most people don't really get legally married, though, so i don't think it would be an issue that we can't and don't want to...we'd fit right in with the rest of my family, lol.

but paying for the wedding and economic support and all that...i get that some people can do that or want to do that, but it completely and utterly blows my mind. i don't know anybody growing up whose parents did that (or were able to). c.'s extended family is pretty upper class and traditional so i guess they see things that way, but for me it's mind-boggling. i mean, i know people do it, it's just very far removed from the way i grew up and the relationships i was around, so it's hard for me to imagine.

We did not intend for anyone to help us pay. Our parents offered to pay for the reception 50/50, and we felt it would be rude to decline such a gift. My parents passed down the rings they were married with 25 years ago. I am the oldest, and the first one married, and my father went above and beyond and paid for our dj and cake. My sister will be given the same. Everything else we paid for ourselves.

We were set on pizza and wings in a big log cabin by some waterfalls, but apparently that was too eccentric for my father (and thus the offering to pay for the reception came). :mohawk:

Ciaran 09-02-2012 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645345)
With all due respect, I am not stereotyping. I am however obviously guilty of not communicating well today via this stupid smart phone.
And I said nothing remotely resembling "women cannot."
I do believe I was more than supportive of women, so my apologies for being misunderstood.

No apology needed.

However, you were sterotyping. You said women "have much better reasoning power" than men. If that's not stereotyping, I don't know what is.

I know that you said nothing remotely resembling "women cannot". However, I was simply responding that, in my view, crude gender stereotypes such as "women have much better reasoning power than men" are all part of that same gender stereotyping equation which discredits the individual.

bright_arrow 09-02-2012 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645345)
With all due respect, I am not stereotyping. I am however obviously guilty of not communicating well today via this stupid smart phone.
And I said nothing remotely resembling "women cannot."
I do believe I was more than supportive of women, so my apologies for being misunderstood.

I believe Ciaran was saying it's the same as saying "Women cannot do ___ because only men can." "Men cannot 'reasonably communicate' because only women can."

That is how I read it, please correct me if I am wrong.

bright_arrow 09-02-2012 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog (Post 645347)
Yes exactly! I wore a tux last year to the Reunion and will wear one this year. If I get married I will be wearing one as well. I will be a butch groom, not representing the man. :)

I do not subscribe to butch=male; femme=female. Some do, but I do not.

Bard mentions sometimes that mayhaps hy will lose hys butch card because hy can't do something "a butch should be able to do". This is in reference to say, car stuff. Some things we associate as more a male trait, but it is mostly in jest and not in a serious or condescending manner.

In our relationship, hy cooks because I am a limited cook, and I clean because I enjoy it whereas hy would prefer to just cook. Hy does most of the laundry, and I am often buying stuff to decorate the home. When the car breaks down, we go to a mechanic. Easy as that!

Tony 09-02-2012 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ciaran (Post 645350)
No apology needed.

However, you were sterotyping. You said women "have much better reasoning power" than men. If that's not stereotyping, I don't know what is.

I know that you said nothing remotely resembling "women cannot". However, I was simply responding that, in my view, crude gender stereotypes such as "women have much better reasoning power than men" are all part of that same gender stereotyping equation which discredits the individual.

I did say "I believe women have better reasoning power than men." I stand by that but I should have added, IMO. That's what I believe these threads & forums are about; voicing & discussing opinions. The word stereotype has a negative connotation, which come to think of it, might make for a good thread in itself.
The differences, perceptions of opinions versus stereotyping.

Kobi 09-02-2012 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tony (Post 645310)
I'm of the ilk that women do truly rule the world. One way or another. They raised the men that sit in power. They're married to the men in power. And more & more they are assuming that power.
And not necessarily a bad thing.


Ok I am twitching again.

In your eyes, women rule the world one way or another because we raised (and gave birth to btw) the men in power, and cuz we are married to the men in power. And, somehow more and more we are assuming that power and its not necessarily a bad thing.

Ok might be a back handed chauvinistic attempt at a compliment. Im not sure. Feels patronizing.

Have you even heard of the War on Women that is going on?



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