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Bouncing off this post
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I love your honest post about cleaning house, and yes I agree that sometimes we get into relationships that make us want to change everything about us, including the vagina. What I have learned is as I have matured into my gender (Femme) that sometimes we make bad relationship choices that leave us mucked up and feeling dirtied up (and when I say this I don't mean in a hygenic way more of a spiritual/emotional/mental way). My vagina is just as empowered as I so when I have experienced this moment of muck like you stated changing not only the aesthetic but my inner me has helped make better choices and healthier ones. |
I can't IMAGINE buying new. There are things you use for only one person because of body fluid contact and the inability to clean them. Some canes, for example. But otherwise, no.
New bed? Seriously?? If the memory of your ex is that present and potentially contaminating, I do not think new equipment is going to solve the problem. More of a therapy issue. |
Gaige and I have talked about this a few times. I have to say, that as long as it is a comfortable fit for both of us (ie: length, girth, and appearance in or out of her clothes), and for me, skin sensitivities have been addressed, the only more important thing left to do or think about, is to enjoy our love making. Neither of us is thinking about anything other than loosing ourselves in each other.
Other purchases along the way, have just made for variety and fun, and we prefer to share the cost of these items. We are both obsessively clean when it comes to our bodies and our stuff, and Gaige researches the care and proper cleaning necessary for each new item in our collection. For me, these conversations, regarding preferences, occur long before any chance of sex happening. To me, sex is private and personal, an important part of my health and well being, and I want to know about relationship and sexual compatibility, before I become intimate with a partner. I don't think anyone is wrong or right, it is just a matter of communicating with new partners. For some, it is difficult to communicate about these topics without embarrassment/shame, or for fear of coming off as sexually aggressive when being blunt, but I submit that it is important to find the strength to do so, to protect oneself and any potential partner, both physically and emotionally. |
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Sex
I was clear I practice safe sex and buy new friend for my new friend. I also get tested and so does my partner. I grew up in the city of free love (SF) so im pretty aware. We are all different and have different ways of doing things. You do it your way I do it mine. No big deal to me. Play safe and have fun.
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Thoughts
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I don't think anyone is debating the everyone have it your way thought. What I found very disconcerting (can't figure out why no one else has) was at the beginning of the thread the *icky*, *classless*, *dirty*, *gross* descriptors were used. It's understandable that we are all diferent and we are all going to have different thoughts, but to come in and generalize and use those kinds of descriptors was not necessary.' I personally am not the kind of person that sees love and sex as something that is interconnected. Sometimes people just fuck, and when they do they are going to use whatever equipment they have. As long as they are being safe there should be no need to go buy all new hardware for the next person they are intimate be it a heart, mind, carnal, sexual, spontaneous connection/s |
Sex
Im not sure why they used those words. Maybe they will answer. I understand the love and sex thing you are talking about. Good luck getting an answer from those who used those terms. Have a great night and enjoy.
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Difference Is The Flavor In Life
I was sorry to hear you felt so bad after a breakdown you needed to do a Phoenix to be reborn SuddenlyWestFemme but it was a gift that helped to give us such a cogent reply as you grew into & gave.Loved it*S*
That said I wonder how many of the people that want you to buy all new stuff have tossed out all items purchased by their exes for them especially sentimental things like cards perfume clothes jewelry etc.I have a feeling the judgemental attitude would be lost immediately or at the very least renegotiated.I use a condom on all my dildos always.If its an issue of cleanliness most microbes do not last over 3 days on a surface devoid of liquid so if they did not have sex within a week say whats the REAL issue? I find it highly unreasonable to ask a butch/partner to be replacing ALL toys every time. Lets be real we all want the relationship to last forever but it does not always happen.I would be ecstatic if life was that simple but it is not.If the issue is an emotional one about feeling threatened by past relationships thats a 2 way street also.Im never going to ask her to throw away all of the old letters poems etc from an ex that gave her great comfort.Those things have become part of who she is & therefore part of the all encompassing being that she has become that I am now choosing to love so I do not want to remove any of it.That ex made her a better gf for me so thank you.Lets look inside ourselves to ask truly what is the fear about .Is it truly about some inanimate objects or something else?If its something else then lets talk about that instead & save my wallet great pain as well as me looking at you as if you are unreasonable.*S*If you insist on new toys for you alone then you need to pay at least 1/2 for your issues since I do not share them but I am willing to negotiate because I AM reasonable *S* |
im all for whatever floats your boat..and in whatever level of intimacy one is seeking....via one nighters...or long terms..you need to be comfortable (whatever comfortable is to you) in the safety level you seek. I would NEVER toss my toys or cock for anyone. There for i doubt i would ever be in the situation to be asked to do so. If i was asked..i would politely decline. Its not about them paying for half of the toys..or even really the cost..though..they are not cheap. For me its the principal of it. Sex to me is about YOU and I...not the last person i fucked or the last person you fucked.
I do use different lube for anal sex vs vaginal...i have used gloves...i use condoms...and ive used dental dams....I know what my level of comfort is for sex...and im always willing to meet the "safety" concerns for my sexual partners within reason...and my line is my toys...if you want me to use new toys with you..then bring your own....and problem solved! Its about about compatibility....there are no right or wrongs..just different..just find that person who shares the same views as you. |
Thoughts from a poly perspective
I haven't really seen anyone address this subject from a poly point of view, yet. Most responses that I've seen have addressed what folks do when moving from one monogamous relationship to another one. I am poly, and while that usually means I am in a "relationship" with people that I am sexually involved with, it doesn't always. So sometimes I have sex with someone that is not one of my regular sex partners. I am femme, but I am a femme who packs sometimes. I am not going to go buy a new cock every time I want to fuck someone. I don't have that kind of money. I do, however, have a very nice silicone cock, that can be boiled to sterilize it, along with a machine washable harness. I use condoms on my cock, and gloves and dental dams for other kinds of sex, no exceptions. When I am letting someone fuck me, I have a conversation about whether or not they sterilize their cock, and I use condoms for additional protection. For bdsm related toys, when I'm playing with other people, I tend to like toys that are easy to clean. I use a lot of rubber, which hurts like hell to hit with, and can be cleaned very thoroughly. Now all of this is different from what I do with my primary partner. Max and I have a range of toys that are just for us. Not all of the cocks are silicone, a lot of the bdsm stuff is leather. We have a policy that we practice safer sex with other people, but not with each other. We also get tested once a year (or more often if we feel like we need to.) This system has worked well for us so far, and neither of us has any STIs.
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Maybe the one who feels uncomfortable about the toys should just buy new ones. Problem solved? Also, I've never seen a dental dam in my life...and I didn't know people actually used them.
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With all due respect...it's My Cock; not hers. Not to mention, she would be sorry if one of My Cocks, in particular, (from San fran which isn't available anymore) ; was not to be experienced anymore.
With that said...I believe that all women deserve the respect to choose a new and/or a favorite cock as an option ( if necessary New purchaces) in order to be satisfied and satiated since she is, after all, the one receiving penetration. There's always room for growth and exploration...hopefully. Cheers, DMW |
If I was to become sexually involved with somebody who had difficulty or a preference then I would simply use their toys on them or I would find something that worked for us both.
Everybody has different needs and desires so while I personally wouldn't mind toys that were used to be used with me and I would certainly keep using the ones I had with others, I am flexible. Sometimes purchasing new toys together or apart is fun and can add another level of intimacy as well. |
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I have several 'toys' that I have only used on Pete.
I probably wouldn't enjoy using those pretty objects on anyone else, but That would be my decision. |
Crikey there's some big expectations here.
I can't get with this "my chap has class (and by inference loves (her) more) he treated me to a new cock" business. It's nothing to do with 'class' or 'respect'. What about some respect coming the other way? Most of us, the majority I would wager, are not 'unclean' and many fastidious about our sexual practice/cleanliness. I have an advantage over a bio bloke in that I can bleach my cock thanks ever so much. :glasses: If you don't trust the dood/dyke/et al don't shag 'em. Simples! |
YES!!!
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This is such an interesting topic...
I am having some trouble with wording and I hope this comes out right... I do not have any issues with using toys/pieces that have been previously used in a prior relationship so long as they have been sterilized. I can also see how the need for a new toy may arise for other purposes. I do believe it is fun shopping for new pieces as a couple to experiment or just to fit personal fantasies, pleasures, or preferences. Quite frankly, For me, if there is ever a moment when I question whether or not something should come in contact with my vagina, then this is probably not a person I want to be intimate with. |
Cock history..something new to comtemplate ..I've never thought to ask but thinking about it now all I can say is I trust my lover, his instincts, hygiene etc otherwise why would i be there? ..discussion is good, if it's needed (somethings should be) but cock history has a never occurred to me.
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it's not a right or wrong issue. as for me personally, i don't put a lot of emphasis on toys. and i'm not one that has a connection, feels that the toy is a part of me. i am not going to use a toy that someone else has used. i certainly don't mind buying new, if that's what is wanted. none, ... may be wanted.
certainly no judging on my part. to each their own. |
I have a full equiped toy bag,I don't consider anything in it part of me but do injoy the event when it happends.I bought high quality toys but I will accomadate the lady in question(whom ever she may be) with something she requires of her own or something new...it is a personal choice for her cauase I don't care either way.This being said I don't do one hight stands,so to buy something new I would need to be pretty shure of a relationship and not a fling.
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I don't have a preference one way or the other. If my partner wants to buy new toys, fine...if not, also fine. As long as said toys have been properly cleaned, I don't have a problem with it. Quality toys can be rather expensive, and I don't have any issues or dwell on the fact that they may have been used before me (I'm not a blushing virgin and, so far, none of my partners have been either). I can't swap out my vagina, hands, or mouth...so I have no expectation that someone who may have a connection with their "toys" should change them for me.
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If the cock(s) in my bag do not work for her.........I am happy to use one she provides. I can 'own' any cock I strap on. I use condoms with my cocks and wash the little (smirk) devils with soap and water after each use. Dishwashers also work well.
I look at this from a kink kind of perspective. Most subs/bottoms I know, who play hard, have their own set of canes, whips, chains, etc.........anything that could get contaminated with blood/body fluids and cannot be sterilized belongs to her. If I bloody up one of my own implements on her..........she gets to take that one home with her for keeps. |
I have been with partners who have wanted me to get a new cock. Not all partners, but some.
I resolved the issue by purchasing the exact same cock more than once. This way I still have that same cock that is a part of me, but she can be comfortable. Is this expensive? Yes, indeed. This has been much less of an issue in recent years. I also don't think that I would be willing to do it again. I'm not even sure why, I just wouldn't. |
I have a question for you all . It is a little off topic but not far off. Have any of you ever been asked by a sexual partner to use gloves or oral dams? What did you do? Did you use them because the other person would feel more comfortable or did you try to find another way to be safe?
I have never been asked but a few friends of mine have and they all seemed to act offended at the remark. I personally wouldn't think it would be an insult but I was curious to see what everybody else thought. |
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I've been surprised at how many women don't insist on playing safely. HIV isn't particularly easy to transmit, but Hep C certainly is, and I know more than enough people in my community who are affected. I don't care at all whether or not anyone finds it insulting. I would find it insulting if someone I was dating couldn't respect my hard limit. Once I've been dating a person for awhile we may trust each other enough to become fluid bonded. We then get tested, after which we can have sex without gloves and saran wrap, assuming the tests turn out well. If either of us were to play outside the fluid bonded relationship, it would have to be 100% safer sex. |
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My answer to this is getting tested before sex, tested regularly when I get a PAP, and a waiting period before sex. This is the grown-up me answer. The 20-something me had unsafe/unprotected sex. I will not do this again. I do not like things that impede sensation, so I don't like gloves or dams. I would honestly prefer to wait than to use them and have sex sooner. How can you be offended by someone valuing their own life (and yours indirectly) enough to demand safe sexual practices!? To me *that* is sexy. :readrules: |
Neither have I been asked to buy new toys nor have I ever offered. What with the way things can be cleaned and sterilized, I have never felt the need. I like what always2late had to say about not being able to swap out her parts, so why put that expectation on a lover just because it's possible? Too, I sometimes like to erotically incorporate condoms. You know...hooker/client, priest/confesser etc.
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I get tested regularly and I am always using protection unless my own toys are being used on me and even then I have to have things my way LOL |
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It's not just about trusting your partner; safe sex is about everyone your sexual partner has exchanged fluids with, since birth. Who here has not slept with 1 or 2 (no raising of hands necessary) people that you at some point realized 'that may not have been a good idea' considering their habits/past/previous partners/etc? If this doesn't include you, you are rare and I commend you for that. As far as equipment/toys, yes, it's a respect issue on one hand. But, I don't see how it's not respectful for both people. It's mutually excluding yourself, as best you can, to that partner. I personally have no issues with sharing the expenses. But, at the same time, respect was given when she had sex with you, right? And respect is not always shown the exact same way at the exact same time to the other person. I understand being mentally and physically connected to cock. I get that. But, what I don't understand is, if your current partner said you are too big, wide, short, small, whatever, would you not get a new one? Or would you say, this is me - take it or leave it? I know the new bed comment is a bit extreme. I meant it (mostly) in jest. If I marry, yeah, I want my very own bed. I have in the past, purchased a new bed after having sex with a questionable partner for my mental heath as much as anything else. I would do it again when and if I could. :olive: |
Confused
The OP did not reference anything about cock shopping due to one being uncomfortable or to accommodate body shape etc.
The OP referenced respect boundaries and hygiene so therefor new toys are needed for a new partner. That's why I personally didn't approach the it's not my fit subject. I figured that's pretty elementary if you're in a long term relationship or thinking of entering any kind of liaison that involves penetration unless of course you just met at the library and there wasn't enough time. Quote:
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The test only tells you your status on the day the blood/saliva was drawn. It takes 3-6 months (it can take shorter or longer though not commonly) to develop antibodies to any antigen (virus in this case). So.......do the math. To truly say you are HIV or _____ negative you need a minimum of 2 tests and to be damn sure you need 3 tests. You also have to completely trust someone has not exchanged body fluids with another person anytime after the baseline test is drawn. The baseline test is today, the 2nd test is 6 months later and a 3rd test is one year from the baseline. Some folks say you are fine if baseline is neg, another test at 3 months and another at 6 months. Direct antigen testing is available....meaning you can test for the virus itself (not the antibody). The test is called a PCR and it is used to follow viral load in HIV/HepC folks to monitor treatment. Insurance will probably not pay for it to find out if you are HIV/Hep C positive and it's not cheap when you pay cash. Doctors will just tell you to get the antibody test. |
Some of this just feels like people being squeamish about sex and the body. Some people are. Even some sex-positive people. We all require clean toys, but I never give any thought to the number of bodies a cock might have had contact with as long as it is clean and covered by a condom.
Re gloves and other barriers. Yes, I use gloves. I also use saran wrap although, honestly, I rarely go down on someone I am not fluid bonded with. Again, while I am not squeamish, I respect that some people are, and I do not think it necessarily means anything about their body or sex positivity. But I do think invoking the idea of respect is negative and judgmental. I am not sure what fantasy it's feeding. Mentally denying that one's partner has had sex with others seems like hard work to me. Plus I like to hear about their fun times. |
Oh........I'm with Cheryl about gloves, condoms, and saran wrap......I don't have sex without those things. If you are not willing then we may as well go bowling.....
Fluid bonding is a precious trust thing and I have only done it twice in my life. The first time it was a poly relationship (lasted 16 yrs) and the second time it was a sexually monogamous relationship, but poly when it came to kink. I have been practicing safer sex since like 1988......... |
I am a butch and when I am in a serious enough relationship with a femme and we're going to enter into the realm of having a sexual encounter in this relationship, I don't bring old toys with me, I have left my old toys with my ex's because it was toys we used on my ex. I prefer to purchase new toys that my new partner and I pick out for her. It's not about anything but being respectful to the person I am going to be intimate with. This is something I choose to do. And you may agree or disagree, but it's my decision to not bring the old into a new relationship.
I highly reccommend using condoms as well, because if you share your toys with one another in usage, it prevents HPV possibly being passed to your partner that can cause issues for her. It's just a safety thing for me. Anyway, if my partner already has some particular toys she wishes to use, I will discuss with her how they were cleaned, etc and then together make a comfortable decision with both parties involved about the usage of said toys in our relationship. I know toys are expensive at times depending on what you purchase, etc. But safety for me is a huge factor, and so is respecting my new partner and providing her with her own new toys to use. |
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Toughy speaks the truth. The current window periods as set by CDC are as follows: HIV - 3 months, HepC - 6 months BUT, both HIV and HepC can and more often than not show up before 3 or 6 months. HepB has to be tested for by blood test.
The current rapid HIV tests at most DOH funded agencies are actually more sensitive than the Western Blot we use to confirm a positive in agency HIV test. The reason most agencies will not give you an HIV negative "certificate" is that we can only honestly say you are HIV negative for the 20 minutes you spend in our office. If you walk out the door and have sex 45 minutes later...or you lied about your last potential exposure....the test is not an accurate representation of status....If you find a tester willing to risk their state issued tester number by giving you a piece of paper that says you are negative, be very very wary. If you are tested by blood draw on a Dr. order the lab or your Dr. might give you confirmation letter of some kind, but again - if someone shows it to you use your head and do the math. More food for thought. :) Quote:
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