|
I have found that I have to come to a place of forgiveness- towards self, and others, way before I come to the space of making amends.
If I dont, then I am too attached to outcomes I want- how I want others to respond and as a control freak that is really an easy trap to make. I have found that some stuff happens, and Im just not ready to rehash it. I leave it be, really, until I see that there is something in my way of being happy. I work through things on an as needed basis because if I push it on MY timeline it doesnt work, and I end up doing the work all over again anyway. There is a time to let go. And a time to pick things up again. And sometimes I need a little perspective outside of my little bubble to find out when those times are. |
Quote:
Thank you!!! |
Neen - thank you show much for showing up and demonstrating your perception and utilization of forgiveness or acceptance.
I enjoy reading the diverse views and hope this place (site) remains a venue of inclusion. Truly looking forward to reading and learning more of you. Sunny Quote:
|
I have read a lot of things that appeal to me in here. I want to be able to forgive but I'm not there yet. I learned the victim mentality at my mother's knee and I learned it well. It's taken me years and years to get where I am now, which is less victim and more vigilante, but a step is a step in the right direction.
I've been angry for a very, very long time and I don't see that changing soon. But I do see it changing, which is more than I would have said a couple of years ago. Once again, progress is progress, no matter how slow. Maybe it's like weight loss? Maybe the longer it takes to reach that place of acceptance and forgiveness, the more likely it will be to stick. :ohm: |
In my space, after years of practice
Forgiveness is closing the book on that experiece, reminding oneself it's history. Now there are times, I may still have a trigger effect. |
Thanks for starting this thread Blade. I myself get caught up in the daily hustle bustle of life and forget to ponder the notions of life that really do give me the gift of humanity.
There are times when I need to find forgiveness for my actions. There are times I want to forgive someone or something that I perceive to have hurt or harmed me in some way. I think overall it is easier for me to forgive others. I do not live in their head, their skin. I do not know their every flaw, thought or action. With myself, I know. Even when I try to ignore my shortcomings. For me at times forgiveness includes redemption. I must do something to try and bring things back into balance. I don't think mistakes, missteps are some sort of sin. I think actions that require redemption and forgiveness are things I do that are not the authentic Greyson. Is redemption part of anyones path to forgiveness? If so, how do you find redemption? I have posted one definition of the word, "redeemed." To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of: You botched the last job but can redeem yourself on this one. As a side note, Did you see Katie Lang singing "Hallelujah" in the opening ceremony for the Vancouver Winter Olympics? The irony of life. Here we have a Dyke, Gender Variant Queer person on the world stage bringing us all together for a moment in time. I think maybe this act of kindness, her sharing her gift of song with the world, perhaps required some forgiveness of wrongs made against her in her lifetime. |
I'm finding in re-reading, don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, that forgiveness comes easier when applying the principles of those 4 agreements.
I'll keep working on it...everyday, it seems there is something to forgive. |
Reading some of the posts on here, im not sure what to write on forgivness as although i have been abandoned as a baby, hurt emotionally and let down, ive not been through some of the awful experiences others have.
However, this is my feeling - i can honestly say that its never been in my heart to hate anyone, sometimes i have wanted to feel hate but it just isnt there - hurt yes but never hate. I also feel we in the western world find it much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others, unlike our eastern counterparts. We have a different take on life. In the east they cannot imagine anyone not loving themselves, but how often do we hear of self hatred in the west. Its not that in the east people are selfish, but their attitude seems to be that if you cant love or forgive yourself first, then you are not very well equipped to love or forgive others and to me that makes sense. So over the years i have adopted that way of thinking and it has proved very useful in my life. |
Forgiveness...it is a strange bird for me. The latest for me is that my oldest sister (bio) has been estranged from our parents for years. She has found inner peace that way. It was her free will to do so. I had to ask her if she was going to ask our parents to the wedding of her youngest daughter. She said no, so I acknowledged it. I am the kids favorite, so I will be there.
At the funeral of our sister JoAnn, our oldest sister, our parents never shed a tear in public. The opposite of everyone of us. It was strange. I mean you could see and hear everyone else crying. The Church was packed. God made us a family, but yet the mental illness of our father has destroyed it. Prayers can help us for so much, but it is the real decisions of living and life that make us who and what we are. We need each other, no matter what anyone says, we do. Love is what it is all about. The heartbreak of being disowned is horrible. I can forgive my parents, but it isn't something I forget. My parents have missed out on so much of my life. My parents are embarassed by me. They want nothing to do with me, and haven't for 30+ years. We can be civil with each other, but that is about it. We were forced into being civil with each other because of JoAnn. Now that she is gone, our relationship has gone back to being nothing. No contact whatsoever. It is best that way. It is a means of survival for me. Forgiveness has different definitions. Some it means saying sorry, and letting it go. For others, it is thinking it, and asking God for help, but it is really just leaving it in God's Hands. |
Sometimes we have to forgive or ask to be forgiven for things we or someone hasn't done or said. This is tricky too. How does someone know they need to ask forgiveness if they don't know they've done anything wrong. In this case I think we hold those we are in love with more accountable than we do others. Usually these might be "the small stuff" but to some people the small stuff is BIG. And harbored animosity over events or non events as it may be can build and build and build and never be resolved because person A doesn't have any idea that they hurt person B, and person B just walks away.
|
Quote:
It have been a really good change for me. :) |
Quote:
|
Quote:
Until I learned this, I was unable to have a good relationship. It is one of the most imortant things I have ever learned. Great thread! |
Forgiveness to me is forgetting all about it..plain and simple.Like it was yesterday,and sometimes it is.That's for all nonsense stuff.
Now if it was me who did something wrong,then I definitely would like to sit down and talk about it.It's not good to go around being so angry at me and I don't even have a clue why I made you so angry.Silence never solves anything and it never works for me..cause if i'm angry you'll know it.I tend to shout when i'm angry...and loudly.I'm talking about when i'm face to face with someone,not online.Online it's hard for me to get angry at anyone. :fencing: |
Forgiveness is hard for me. Sometimes it is like a medical miracle. When my sister was in a coma. I was angry. Pissed as shit at the doctors who gave her chemo, and stem cells, and to not think she was a mother, a sister, a daughter, a sister in law, and so on. The only thing on their minds was organ donation (think eyes, ears, etc.).
Sometimes forgiveness is just a handshake, and just letting it go. Nobody is really a winner or looser. Just equal. It is all about love, and not holding grudges. |
I forgave and forgive..
because if I didn't and don't, you win. because I refuse to care enough about you to hold on to hate and ill-will. because you took too many of my years and I'm taking what's left for me. |
What is forgiveness....
For me is is human growth, peace of mind and detoxification in my life. To harbor resentment only blocks my being able to attain balance. I just won't allow those that have trangressed against me any more of my time or emotional energy. Rather give this to others that have character and practice integrity. |
What a powerful thread. I feel so inspired by many of these words.
I had to chew for awhile... Forgiveness is healing, acceptance, compassion. Forgiveness is surrendering to things outside of your control to allow room for growth and movement forward. Forgiveness is hard and painful sometimes, but the only way to release yourself from a situation and learn from it. Forgiveness is more about the heart than the mind, like a salve for the soul. Forgiveness is something I strive to give easily because I hope others will grant me the room to make mistakes and forgive me my wrongs. |
Forgiveness isn't something you give to another, it is something you allow yourself to partake.
|
It has been my experience that, in certain situations, it can be a long time coming. Even so, I feel so much better when I can forgive someone, give them a break.
|
It's just letting shit go. Either you can or you can't.
|
I think it's about choice, empowerment, and moving forward. It's the part in the process where we can stand up, acknowledge what's happened, and how it's affected us. Then, we choose to say "Okay, I can forgive that - now it's time for me to make my life and to no longer let the event or person have any control."
And it's easier said than done. |
I think it revolves around remembering that it is not really about ME. It is about the actions of another and how great or small it may have affected me directly is what gives me grief. When I can remember that someone else's actions are not a reflection upon me, it is easier to "forgive" ( as if it is even my place to do so).
It's more of an acknowledging that they have different views/ reasons for what they do/ say/ are than I do. It's ( for me) more of just letting go. I don't like saying " I forgive" someone as it feels like then I had some control or bearing on their action. What another choses to do/ say/ behave like has very little to do with ME and much more to do with their own stage of their journey. Who am I to forgive anyone but myself? The best I can do to make peace in my heart for any transgressions is to accept that where they are is "where they are". No forgiveness. No judgement. Just acceptance and a move toward safer waters for myself. |
Forgiveness is freedom for you...as long as you've taken the lesson from it.
|
I don't think forgiveness is always necessary or even beneficial.
Indifference and letting go is where I find peace, when a relationship ends and the dynamic can't be fixed in order for the relationship to morph into something else. And I also want to say, indifference isn't the same as wishing someone harm, or hating them. It's what happens when letting go reaches a certain ultimate point. It isn't cold or mean, it just is. On the other hand, if I want to continue in a relationship with a person who has transgressed against me in some egregious way, forgiveness might open the door to trust. It's a way of saying, "I'm not mad at you anymore" but also there is this tacit agreement: "and I trust you not to do that harmful thing again." If I want to be friends with someone who did something hurtful to me, I can sometimes just avoid the situations in which that might happen again. With family, for example, I avoid certain conversational topics, and don't ask for what I know I won't get, emotionally. Is that forgiveness? No, I don't think so. It's protecting myself from toxins in order to continue having contact with that person or persons. It's a kind of trade-off, one I've decided is worth the effort. I guess I just don't like the whole vibe happening around the term "forgiveness." It sounds religious to me, and I'll admit anything with a religious tone turns me off so take that with a grain of salt. Here's part of what Wiki says: "Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution." So I guess they're saying forgiveness is the letting go of "resentment, indignation or anger," which I'm all for—(it erodes your health, for one thing, to stay mad), but that doesn't mean, the relationship has to pick up where it left off. It can end, continue, whatever, after forgiveness happens. Here's what I just realized; forgiveness often implies that the forgiver is somehow morally superior to the person being forgiven. That just bugs me. |
I grew up not really knowing what forgiveness was. My mom hasn't been much of a forgiver - she holds grudges for so long only the sands of time can wear them away. Or she'll find an excuse for a person's behavior and just rationalize it away. Which has been my main way of avoiding forgiveness too. Or, I'll blame myself for whatever was done.
I'm stuck on my 4th step in OA because I seriously don't like thinking that I resent anybody. I'd rather excuse people for their behavior and anesthetize myself in various ways. Or take the blame for bad behavior of others. For a long time, I thought forgiveness was something you gave to another person, like bequeathed to them like a gift. But there's a guided meditation I do sometimes regarding debt, and the person recommends that if you want to get rid of your debt, you need to look at the people you see as owing you, and just imagine them being absorbed in white light and disappearing. A friend laughed when I told her this and said, "I'd rather visualize pushing them down the stairs!" Anyway, it may sound cheesy, but whether or not you visualize a person disappearing into white light, I think it's good to remember we are all human and it's helpful sometimes to just write off the debt instead of carrying it around in the books forever. I don't think forgiveness has to come with trust or even renewed friendship. It *can* but I don't think it has to. |
Apropos.
This article, for the most part, expresses how I feel about forgiveness.
Don't Ask Me for Forgiveness! |
The way I was taught about forgiveness… Mauri Ora – Wellbeing. Kia Mauritau – Be peaceful.
I was taught that forgiveness is not always necessary because not every person that hurts us can be forgiven. We are not responsible for another’s motives. A person’s actions say more about them, than it does about us. I was taught that each of us holds the ability to find peace within ourselves for what that person(s) have done to us. I was taught to own my own feelings and emotions and work through them to the best of my abilities; this does not mean take revenge for my pain, but, if I feel the need to cry from hurting, then I do and let the anger out by punching a pillow. Also, to accept or a least acknowledge that feeling stupid for a day or two because I didn’t see it coming, isn’t a bad thing. I was taught to let Karma take its course. The Maori have a saying: “So, let the user be responsible; not to me; or you; or other mortal beings, but to one mightier then the user; so by all means, do what you wish.” |
Forgive everything And forget Nothing.
|
when u learn to accept forgiveness follows
|
This is something I loved !
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D4VMZb8wLY&feature=related"]Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go - YouTube[/nomedia]
This helped me a lot.....maybe it will help another......I think it is beautiful ! |
I find it easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself for things I have done. No one is harder on me than I am on myself.
|
I doubt this will be a majority of the views in this thread. Could be many don't agree with how i personally deal with forgiveness. But, it is what it is and it is how i handle it.
I've heard the phrases and beautiful statements and sentiments regarding forgiveness all over the place, in which to forgive someone is a gift to yourself and all that. That's wonderful if that is how peeps want to view it. Truly i'm not dissing it, i just see things differently sometimes...not always. If someone has hurt me, F that. I don't have to forgive them, i don't want to forgive them and i don't forgive them. It is my decision and i'm in control of that, not them. Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness and i'm really good with that. It doesn't make me feel bitter or whatever, again it's my decision and i don't see how this could be hard on me at all. Forgive and forget? Sometimes, for me, it's both and sometimes it's latter. What i CAN do however is forget them.The feeling in my mind is equal, because it is closure. IMO you don't have to forgive everyone to be happy with yourself. Standing up for yourself and protecting yourself from mental/physical harm without forgiving someone is sometimes an ok thing to do. |
For me the hardest part about forgiveness is forgiving myself.
I should have seen... I should have known... I should have done X differently... How could I have X, am I completely blind? .... The reality is that I didn't see, I didn't know and I did the best I could with the information and situation I had before me. To continually berate myself or feel that sick gut drop when I think about my actions actually is counter productive. By obsessing on what I did wrong and what is wrong with me instead of focusing on moving forward and how I can do the right thing, well, this only reinforces the unfortunate behavior and creates a stronger neural path to the error of my ways. This is the hard part, to let go and practice acceptance, to just be and breathe with it, to sit with it and say that even though I make mistakes, it doesn't mean I have to make them in the future, and it certainly doesn't mean that I deserve to carry that hateful burden longer than is necessary for me to learn. I have to practice acceptance for myself, to forgive myself, and to let go and move on. Whether I like it or not sometimes. |
Quote:
Sometimes this is so much harder than at other times and we even need to be kind to ourselves around the fact that it may just take time. |
Quote:
|
Quote:
I love this article...I have always called it forgiveness but sometimes that word just sticks in my throat. I know acceptance. I can accept that others are just who they are. That they have their own road to travel and how they touch others along their path is their journey, not mine. I can also accept that this person isn't right for my path and move on. Forgiveness is saved for those who seek it out, who truly work to find it. Who seek true amends. |
when i find the answers in me, then I will think about what sits as a very secondary process. Forgiveness is the wrong language. My relationship with this word sits largely with religious practice and I link the expectation of forgiveness to a patriotic construct. History says women should forgive and move on.. blame sits with them for not "letting go" of what for many can only be described as horrendous atrocities. The prognosis of my life story and my desire for normalcy comes at a cost that many would not understand. Personally,whilst I bare such cost at the expense of another, I will never forgive.
|
You cannot be forgiven until you learn to forgive.
|
Quote:
Acceptance is different than forgiveness. It is what it is. I can not change the outcome. I so wish that it were different but do not have the power to change it. I accept. |
| All times are GMT -6. The time now is 12:04 AM. |
ButchFemmePlanet.com
All information copyright of BFP 2018