" Baby.... want to come out and smoke with me"
" I think it's already smokin Love!"

at work again..
 

Telling people to get out of pool and hot tub because of weather conditions (thundering, lightening, not to mention it's raining lightly at the time) and we have had tornado warnings around the area all evening and still under a tornado watch for another hour.

A man as he's in the hot tub: "Well I thought being low to the ground was the safest place to be."

Me: "Not if you're in that water and lightening strikes it." :|

I walk away and damn patio furniture starts flying striking me as I'm trying to dodge it. I run back to bar area inside and call to dispatch that the guests have been advised and we have furniture flying. I go back outside and it's pouring rain with strong wind gusts everyone is running. I run to the gate and stand there getting drenched making sure all these idiots get inside safely.

Get inside and I notice the wet sign has fallen so I pick it up, cutting my finger in the process and my glasses are covered in rain drops. The guests say, "You're lucky. You came just in time. You should play the lotto!"

Me: "I wish I could win the lotto!" :|
*thinking later* I don't get paid enough for this shit and I'll never jeopardize my life again like that if they're gonna choose to be out in these weather conditions. Of course, its just a thought. It's my job!!

Me: Honey?
Calling for my husband from up the stairs.
My step daughter: I'm not your honey!

Camping buddy...I don't think I've ever seen one this hard!

Me..........:sunglass: :shocking:

Riding roller coasters today..... " My ass came out of the seat and my boobs out of my bra!"

^^^^^^^^^
 

followed by choking gasping laughter,

then,

I think I've got them back in, do they look ok?

(overheard at the park, while in line for a coaster)

Woman: Are they taking pictures on this one?

Man: Yes, see up there? Those are the camera flashes.

Woman: Hey!!! Anyone got a mirror? That last picture of me on the Volcano was awful--my hair was a wreck. That S**t ain't happening twice in one day

Today....... " I've got it all lined up, just push it in" :|

This thread is hilarious! *subscribing*

Keep the posts coming!

:goodscore:

geez o pete
 

The crack of dawn this morning im not even fully awake yet

My wife : Daddy , friday we are taking chandras boys bowling and to the arcade and to the pizza place bc its their six year old birthday . Then on sat we are driving to king of prussia mall and you are taking me shopping all day bc Ive been so good , Then we are coming home sat night and doing indian food with jen and Jonathan. Then sunday , we are going to go hiking with paul and Raquel all day, Then when we come home , Raquel and I are fixing you and paul a nice dinner , Then to a movie sunday night with them , and monday we are going to the gym after work and working out Then to the park and walk , Then tuesday we will have to think of something to get into with tara and Lauren , Then Wednesday we are going to meet Laura and her partner to dinner somewhere , Then the next weekened we will go to jersey and see mom and nicole .

Me: dang baby, you didnt even pause after you said all that.

My wife : did you hear everything i said though all our plans ?

Me : um yes babe , so i should go to the bank shortly to take out alot of money bc i heard the words mall and shopping

My wife : ummmm yes Daddy exactly

My aunt talking about a dress for church

Aunt: "Slit or no slit?"

Me: "I don't like the slit."

Aunt: " :blink: "

Me: "Uh.. shit. I'm about to go to church. SHUSH!"

Aunt: " :blink: No slit huh? :sunglass: "

Me: "Lord forgive me for I am sin... :grindevil: "

"I think I'll just pull it out now.
Then I can bring it outside and bang it"



:blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink::blink:: blink::blink::blink::blink:
re: the air conditioning filter

*nudge* *nudge*

Here's hoping somebody's got some more stories for me ... :D

camping buddy to passengers as we're headed back to camp..."ya'all sucked all the juice outa my slushy! !"

a Facebook exchange with my 19 yr old son:

son: drugs are not the answer, mother.. (he's commenting on a Marilyn Monroe quote picture thingy)

me: now who's the fun-sucker, son?! ;) (he called me a fun-sucker once when he was little lol)

son: And the tables turn. Soon I'll be changing your diapers you old fart ;)

*blink* LMHO!!