Butch Femme Planet - Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

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Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie (Post 379977)

I was talking to someone in the chat room the other night and I made the remark that I can't afford date anyone right now. The femme I was talking to asked me why I feel that it takes money, and for me it comes down to how I treat a femme on a date.

For *ME*, it takes money to date a femme properly. No, I would never take a femme to McDonald's for a date. I may not take her to the fanciest place for dinner, but it should be nice. 60$ is not an unreasonable amount to spend on a nice meal with a girl. Then there is all the grooming. A fresh haircut every 2 weeks; getting a car wash before each date because who wants to be picked up in a dirty car??; Having freshly cleaned and pressed clothes that are dress-casual to dressy. (Jeans are fine if you have a dress shirt and tie to go with them.) And, bring her a small gift with each date, usually flowers, but it could be something else that she likes, such as candy or something else. Buy her drinks if you are at a bar.

Things that don't cost money but are essential to me are: Be freshly showered before each date! Open every door for her; pull out her chair for her; allow her to order her food first; ask her first if you want to hold her hand or kiss her (that's just good manners). If you like how she looks or her smile or how she smells or the things that she says, or wears, then tell her. Let her talk about herself, and don't dominate the conversation with things about you. Don't use a lot of swear words. Don't talk about your exes!! Don't be in a rush to get into bed; try to get to know her, who she is and what she is like. Listen to her. Ask her what kind of things she enjoys doing, what kind of food she likes, etc. so if she agrees to another date, you can plan your next date around things she enjoys. Don't do the same thing every single date - try to plan a variety of activities. Thank her for spending time with you, and if you really like her and want to see her again, don't wait more than 2 days to call her. Don't call her the very next day, either. Give room, but not too much room. Don't blow up her phone with text messages either, but saying you had a good time is important.

The person I was discussing this with said she had never been treated this way on a date, and I was kind of surprised. She told me I should start a thread about dating, so here it is:

Femmes, how do you like to be treated on a date? I think all of us people on the masculine spectrum should know what you ladies would like and what you think is important. I know not all femmes are the same and like the exact same things, so having as much feed back as possible is really appreciated! Also, some feed back about what NOT to do would be helpful too! Stories about both good dates and bad ones are welcome! I personally would really like to know how to be a better date so that someday, if I ever can afford to date again, I can do it better. Thanks in advance!

so basically all the things you said are spot on what I would expect as far as taking the time with you appearance, having a clean car and just overall showing that level of respect to your date. I know that a lot of girls do like to be spoiled and I am guilty as charged..however romantic gestures and putting a lot of thought into something will get you far even if you aren't spending a lot of money. maybe a quick drink followed by some romantic sight seeing or exploring a beautiful place in nature
i've always been the most impressed when a date remembers something i said or an interest of mine and then plans our time together around that. just the fact that you care that much to please me is a turn on. nothing is more attractive than a women with a plan not just a "what do you wanna do", uhhh idk"
, especially in the very early stages this really impresses me. say she loves horror films ? maybe visit a pumpkin patch and pick one to carve followed by netflix binging on scary movies after . complete with popcorn and of course cuddling. femmes loves that shit lol
remember even though the gold star femmes are out there many of he girls ur dating have been with men before aka extremely thoughtless for he most past when it comes to this stuff so you have a lot to work with and it usually doesn't take much more than thoughtfulness to really wow them and have them how romantic and considerate you are.

I like for the girl I'm with to have everything planned out, and be creative with it.

I want to be treated like a lady. I want the door opened for me, I want the chair pulled out for me, if we're at a restaurant, flowers would be a nice touch but not necessary, good intelligent conversation. Of course (it's obvious therefore I shouldn't even have to write this) a clean car- inside and out is important.

Deborah

I think it depends on the type of person you're dating. The original poster remarked about their inability to date due to finances. Well, there are many things in life that are easier with money, but also many that are necessary for ones well-being, money or no.

If the kind of person that turns you on is a full-on high-maintenance Femme that you know expects (demands?) to be wined and dined, well, you have your situation clearly laid out for you, don't you? If you haven't got the finances then your chances with them may be limited. But not every femme is like that.

I'd say courtesy and a reasonable degree of adaptability are more important - for both people involved in the date. And yes, make an effort with your appearance by all means, but make sure it's YOU that you're presenting, not some stereotype that is purely for the purpose of luring 'em in.

Butch or Femme or wherever one is on the spectrum, not everyone has money to spare, but everyone needs affection, and it pains me to see people believing that they have to be rich to go seek that special someone. I've experienced being wined and dined, but the person I fell deeply in love with was as poor as I, and the simple pleasure of being in their company and doing things together sufficed, for me, be that watching a video at their place, or having a cuppa in a cafe after some window-shopping and a walk in the park.

Just being with Them, and knowing that They are as interested in you as you are in Them is magical - for me. Dating is not just for the rich. Money can make life easier - but it doesn't create affection, and ultimately, that's what dating is about, no?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire (Post 1189948)

I could not have said this better myself! I definitely enjoy the little things like talking, affection, thoughtfulness shown by remembering things about me or things I like. I don't need all the gifts and flowers and things.

I adore a butch that I am dating to have all the qualities that a person with integrity would have ~ as well as being romantic ~ knowing I LOVE little gifts impromptu in shiny wrapping paper ~ cologne , combs for my hair , nail polish's , or a pair of silk panty hose etc. When I knew I liked them enough to date so many of the caring, and their own ways of loving had all ready been a part of them or my interest never would have been peeked. The romantic little gifts , gestures, and requirement...... is such a turn on ! ohhhh baby babyyyy ~

How do I like to be treated on a date? I remembering answering this one awhile back but here it is again, like the fucking queen I am!

However since I first posted that whenever that was, my dating life has diminished quite a bit and now? I would just like to be treated to a freaking cup of coffee. LoLoL

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisa93 (Post 1173953)

I like for the girl I'm with to have everything planned out, and be creative with it.

...but, I really like this. Very much.

Wow, this is a really fascinating discussion.

It's something I've thought a lot about, as a very feminine woman, but also as a huge feminist. I've often asked myself, "To what degree are gender roles involved in dating? To what degree should they be involved?"

For example, I think it's pretty unfair to assume that the more masculine person in the relationship should pay for everything. The rule I always go by is whoever asks out the other person should at least offer to pay on the first date. I think that's a nice gesture to show someone you value their time. But afterward, on second and third dates, things should be a bit more equal, like "Oh you got the cab, let me get the drinks!"

Because in the same way that femmes (and straight women, too) don't like to feel taken advantage of for sex, butches (and masculine folks more broadly) don't want to feel taken advantage of financially (I would assume.)

On the other hand, I have to say that as a femme, some of the dynamics of a date are inherently related to gender. So, in the interest of trying to help atomiczombie, here's a little list of things I feel are important:

1. Respect and attention - I don't mean to be redundant, since a lot of femmes have already mentioned this, but just turning your phone off and being present during the date is essential. I think the most valuable thing you can offer someone is your time and if you're constantly texting, that's a big red flag!

2. Honestly some chivalrous stuff like holding the door open for her doesn't hurt. Part of me wants to say that's some archaic heteronormative bullshit but the other part of me loves it!! Why is this so attractive?? Someone needs to answer that for me :P

3. Maybe the most important component is planning a date according to your date's interests. I once had someone take me to a sushi place even though I'm vegetarian. It was awkward and I felt so bad for not eating anything!

4. Just make it clear that you have a real interest in getting to know her as a person! Like you mentioned, don't dominate the conversation and don't ask invasive questions.

5. Like everyone else is saying, don't worry too much about money! Some of the best dates are cheap - like picnics. I've always wanted to go on a hike for a date, but maybe that's a better second or third date idea, once you get to know each other a bit more. :)

I hope this was at least somewhat helpful!! Just don't worry too much and try to have fun!

cut & pasted from ardentfemme's above post...

2. Honestly some chivalrous stuff like holding the door open for her doesn't hurt. Part of me wants to say that's some archaic heteronormative bullshit but the other part of me loves it!! Why is this so attractive?? Someone needs to answer that for me :P

For me, it has to do with showing courtesy & respect.... I open doors for someone as courtesy, it is just part of my core being, my own self respect of others.......it is having good manners...it is being spontaneous and not performing or being expected to do so...perhaps therein lies your own attraction for having that done so by butches rather than straight men...

Hope this makes some sort of sense to you ardent....

Perhaps you find it attractive when the butch does it as she is hopefully actually showing good manners & respect...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire (Post 1189948)

This, completely.

Being wined and dined is NOT my cup of tea. I almost insist upon cooking, because what I do in the kitchen is almost as amazing as what I do in the bedroom...or whereever...; )

My favorite activity is hiking, thrift shops, art museums, etc....very low cost venues.

I don't need fancy or wealthy, I need present and kind.