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My miniature poodle, Jacques...I'm giggling recounting this.. went out to do his poodle doodle....went to walk "on" the snow...as he has been accustomed to...since it WAS packed and very shallow in the yard..
..he didn't realize we had just gotten a FOOT of fresh powdery snow....and when he jumped up onto the snow...he just fell in like it was water...and it was instantly up over his head...he jumped out of the snow immediately and shook himself off and looked SO confused...the funniest thing is he just disappeared in the snow..figuratively and literally...since he is white... LOL...he is originally for NC...this is wayyy more than he's accustomed to....poor Jacquesy....he is cuddling nicely on the couch now :) |
I farted and the dog was sniffing around afterwards. hahahahaha!
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Yesterday while in the kitchen at work :badcook:
staff: so I hear you're some kind of super hero director: oh shit here we go again me: yes, why yes I am staff: and what super hero are you and where is your phone booth? director: let me guess, your booth is the pantry? me: yes, why yes it is and I am a super hero pirate if you must know staff: pirates can't be super heros director: *backs out of kitchen* hmmmm... not sure I'm ready for this me: I have my cape to prove it staff: is that all you wear super hero pirate? me: of course not. I will wear a pirate hat and even an eye patch director: will your people be approving this? me: remember, you are my people now, so will you? staff: and you have all this already? me: well, except for the hat. it has to be the right one staff: please say you will wear tights!! director: if I have to approve this I'm waiting for your response to the tights thing me: pirates don't wear tights, they wear buccaneers director: whew: your approved!! me: both of be gone now *waving my spatuala* Yes we are this odd there. I will be the super hero pirate for Halloween this year :rofl: They just don't know it yet!! :cheesy: |
A lady at the shooting range had a brand new gun. She shot her first five shots and the brass wouldn't come out of the gun when she opened it up. She was like omg omg, is my gun defective. We got the biggest laugh our of her reaction. She had never shot a pistol before and her husband went out and purchased this pistol for her. She had never even had it out of the box.
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So today I wake up cursing the morning since I didn't sleep well last night. I rise, shower, get ready for my day and drive 2 hours away for the BIG exam. I know I can only take in my drivers license so self-consciously take current and previous because the current doesn't look like me with my goatee and short hair. I go in and am greeted by a woman handing me a list of rules and regulations. She directs me to the foyer I just came through to sit down and read both sides. After reading both sides, I take it back in and she tells me to go over to the other desk and sign in. A picture is taken of me and the girl hands me both licenses and tells me that she technically should keep my old one but since I cannot get any information off of it and she is returning my current one she sees no need to keep it because that would be senseless. *chuckles. She then tells me that I need to empty all pockets and turn them inside out. Oh good Lord...*insert eye roll here. Why Oh Why on this day did I decide to wear carpenter jeans with a shirt with a gazillion pockets?? Hell! She found pockets I didn't even know I had and that had NEVER even been used! Wth!?! After this she told me to lift my pants so she could see my socks and ankles. *smh. THEN she used a metal detector wand over my entire body and informed me that if I had to go on a break this entire process would happen again. OMG! *Gulp. Ok. A four hour exam with no breaks or bathroom times. I hope the body will hold up now considering I am nervous. Bottom line? I completed the four hour exam in 2 and a half and got the hell out of there before they had me do a strip search! LOL! That is what cracked me up today!
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Great day for crack ups today!
Mom text me to tell me my niece was replacing a strip off of the edge of her counter, in her kitchen at 11pm last night and super glued her finger to the counter, while waiting on the glue on the tile to dry. She pulled the strip back off, went and got her phone and called my sister to come help her. My sister looked it up on the internet, to see how to get the super glue to let go of the finger without tearing flesh. LOL Finally they used fingernail polish remover with acetone to remove the super glue and separate her finger from the strip of countertop. Funny thing was that she was in a panick to begin with because she thought she was going to have to let it wear off. She told my sister, she couldn't go to work like that, a judge would think she had a weapon. LOL OMG she is so silly. |
Crack up number 2 today
I enjoyed a nice homemade supper this evening with Mom, my sister and her boyfriend. After supper I had a little baby belch and said excuse me. My sister "V" said be glad it wasn't "J" her boyfriend...."J" said ME! You are the worst and you go at both ends all the time. Me and Mom got tickled at this point because my sister has always been gassy even as a little kid. "V" said I pooted in bed one night and "J" was sound asleep and he sat straight up in bed. It woke him up out of a dead sleep. "J" said yeah it sounded like a jake break on a big truck. Mom and I get more tickled. At this point "J" says I don't have it on this phone but my other phone I recorded her farting and set it as her ring tone. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought Mom and I would die at this point. I had to get up, I thought I would wet my pants before I could get to the bathroom. When I came back to the livingroom, I told Mom....You might be a redneck if you have your girlfriends fart as a ringtone |
It was something she said just before drifting into slumberland... The twilight moment between awake and sleep!! :blink:
It was fucking hilarious!! :cracked: If only I could camp out in her dreams.......... :superfunny: |
Cracked me up
I laugh at myself all the time. Im such a pervy nerd.
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I'm still cracking up about my Pre-Munch conversation with my hair the other day. We weren't sure if I was going to be done working before it was time to go, so we didn't think we'd make it in. But I did, so we were able to go.
Spousal Unit: wanna go to the thing tonight? Me: sure! Let me put on real clothes. gets dressed, combs hair, starts to pin it back SU: cool, I'll PM and let them know we're gonna make it. My Hair: DOOOOD! Know what would be fun? if we had a Stoooopid Hair Day! We haven't had a Stooopid Hair day in oh, days! Me: NO. We are going to have a Polite, Well Behaved Hair Day. Stooopid Hair day was yesterday. And Saturday. And Friday... Hair: WHHHHEEEE! SPROING! okay, you curls go that way, we'll go this way. Anyone wanna stand straight up now? Me: Nononononono! Every one obeys the Law of Gravity, ALL the curls go the same Direction, and we look like proper grown-up hair tonight! attacks with comb, spray bottle of water, more pins Hair: LALALALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Me: dammit Hair! I swear to Dog, one of these days I'm gonna shave you ALL OFF. Hair: Yeah right! You'll take one look at the clippers and cave! begins doing the Time Warp Skin: why's the Hair getting all the attention?!? What do I have to do to get some love here? I know, HIVES! Me: Stop it, all of you! We are not 12, you are not allowed to act 12, now behave! Spousal Unit: are you ready yet? Me: NO! Spousal Unit: what's taking so long? You were just gonna get dressed and head out. Me: Apparently, we're having a Stooopid Hair Day today. Spousal Unit: sighs You look great! I"m sure it's not Stooopid Hair Day today. Um sweetie, we do need to go... Me: Just a minute... takes 2 benadryl, applies allergy cream to hives, combs hair, mercilessly pins it back, stumbles out of the bathroom Spousal Unit: by the way, the presenter wants you to say a few words about negotiation from the Sub side. I told her you'd set it up when we get there. Me: AAAARRRGGGHHHH! |
This.
This cracked me up:
Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant after Seeing BA in Communications on Resume The Onion makes my life better. |
My son: Mom, why are you always so soft and warm? (snuggles me)
Me: Because moms are supposed to be soft and warm... Youngest daughters walks by and hears the questions and responds: Yes, Moms are supposed to be soft and warm, they have to sit on the eggs and keep them warm until they hatch. :| |
My 8-year GD always makes me crack-up.
Recently my GF and I went to watch her roller derby practice in LA. We made plans to take her out to lunch after practice (which I loved, btw! You haven't seen anything until you have seen a bunch of 7-year-olds, on up, roller skating around the big girls rink. Beautiful sight!). Anyway, she says to my GF, "Are you L. (My long-term ex) or are you D"? My sweetie says, "I'm D". GD: "Well, both of your names have 3 letters and both of you look alike"! We cracked up because they don't look alike at all but they do have the commonality of both being very butch and I guess that was what threw my GD off! |
Me.. forgetting my bag at home, complete with wallet- and running out of gas on the way to the gas station. I love me some days, and today, I was in love with me. I crack myself up.
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Yesterday - woke up highly "distracted" and when making my coffee I put the usual amount of coffee in my percolator but only half the water...WOW! Talk about rocket fuel...NASA should try that...LOL
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The thoughts in my head cracked me up. I know that makes me sound crazy but I'm really not. :|
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Two boys chatting....
boy 1: nah, what's bad is going down a spiral staircase and farting. boy 2: huh? boy 1: think about it. your face will be where your ass once was. boy 2: ohhhhh yeh I get it! :superfunny: Only fart going up a spiral :blink: |
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grinnnn
coffee quest...
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I got another for you....
Not sure the jest of the conversation but I have an idea where this stemmed from.... a response from one kid to another - "it's kinda like a mo-ped, it's a fun ride till your friends find out!" :blink: Oy!! |
A whispered answer...
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Steve Harvey was on Ellen this morning and he was talking about a family they had on Family Feud. The question....name a word that begins with pork...answer...cupine. That cracked me up.
His sister said (what Steve thought was..) lawn. He says lawn? As in your front lawn? She says...no, lawn (loin) then spelled it L I O N! Funny shit. |
this week at work. . co-workers.
watching pranks on youtube and discussing how we should do security pranks after messing with some associates. scoring a bunch of snacks and monster drinks after an event closing, everyone raiding it! haha! fun times at work, have to stay full of laughter when it's not time to be serious. :p this >>> LOL! |
Punxsutawney Phil 'indicted' over spring forecast
CINCINNATI - Authorities in still-frigid Ohio have issued an "indictment" of the furry rodent, who predicted an early spring when he didn't see his shadow after emerging from his western Pennsylvania lair on Feb. 2. "Punxsutawney Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early," Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio's Butler County, wrote in an official-looking indictment. Gmoser wrote that Punxsutawney Phil is charged with misrepresentation of spring, which constitutes a felony "against the peace and dignity of the state of Ohio." The penalty Phil faces? Gmoser says — tongue firmly in cheek — is death. Punxsutawney Phil does not have a listed phone number. Bill Deeley, president of the Punxsutawney club that organizes Groundhog Day, said Phil has a lawyer and would fight any extradition attempt by Ohio authorities. Deeley defended his fur-bearing associate and said the death penalty was "very harsh" given the nature of the allegations. "We'll have to plead our case one way or the other, but I think we can beat the rap," Deeley said. The vitriolic backlash on social media to Phil's dead-wrong prognostication has not gone unnoticed in and around Gobbler's Knob, Deeley said, and special security precautions were in place. "Right next to where Phil stays is the police station," he said. "They've been notified and they said they will keep watching their monitors." Winter has been dragging on in the Buckeye State and surrounding areas, with daily high temperatures this week hovering in the mid-30s and no end in sight for about 10 days, said Don Hughes, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Wilmington, Ohio. A storm moving into the region Sunday could bring between 4 and 8 inches of snow, he said. "It's taking too long," Hughes said, adding that he's hearing plenty of complaints from colleagues and neighbors about the late spring. "Most people I've talked to say they've had enough. They want spring. They're looking for colors and sunshine and Easter lilies." The frigid temperatures and snow might be particularly hard to swallow after last spring, when the U.S. saw the warmest March in recorded history. Highs in the Cincinnati area, for instance, were well into the 80s. Hughes said this spring isn't nearly the coldest on record but that the area is about 5 degrees below normal. Gmoser's indictment made no mention of a possible co-conspirator in the false prediction of early spring, Ohio's own forecasting groundhog, Buckeye Chuck. Chuck also failed to see his shadow when he emerged from his burrow on Feb. 2 in Marion in north-central Ohio. -------------- :blink: I'm thinking the insanity defense might work in this one. Just not sure which side should use it. |
Being told Im not a country girl ! LOL
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My 4 yr old nephew twice this week.
Yesterday, my mom gave him a jar for bugs yesterday. He had a couple worms and a potato bug last time I saw it. We found the EMPTY jar this morning in the clothes hamper. No idea where the bugs are. :blink: Today, he came out of the bathroom saying he was taking a crap and had cut his penis off. My niece (his mom) asked him if she could see it. He told her 'no, I just need to walk it off' and started walking laps around the island in the kitchen. I LOVE THIS KID |
Cracked me up
My friend stopped by on her way to work said: Your on layaway! WTF (lol)
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Here we go again..... :pointing:
kid: what's for dinner? staff: ummmm I think..... well, not sure. me:chicken burger. or maybe it was turkey burger. kid: wtf? me:it's some kind of fowl (foul) burger!! Now go eat... I love a good play on words!! :superfunny: |
My girl and I texting this morning....................... :rofl:
She was telling me something about work... I responded with: "Then stay on that ass and make her accountable for her position!" She replied with: "Ooh that sounds dirty." :cracked: Rereading that, it does sound dirty!! Lmao!! :superfunny: |
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It's a Juji story................
me: so where are you from? juji: my mommy right? me: well yeh but where were you born? juji: i wasn't born. me: what? were you hatched from an egg? juji: noooooo i just am. me: let's try this again. i was born in florida. mommy was born in mississippi. so where were you born? juji: in maine bub (short for boobeh but also how mainers speak) me: does this mean you're a mainer? juji: yessah, i'm a mainah bub! I know my daughter has issues with not hearing the "r". :superfunny: I, on the other hand love how he sounds!! :rofl: |
juji: noooooo i just am.
The kid's got something there. |
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...followed by....I know you can, I know you can, I know you can....LMBO!
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While at the auction Friday night I had to use the restroom. I went in did my thing and turned around to flush the toilet and said damn that looks like my bluetooth in the toilet. Without thinking WOOOSH my hand went straight down in the toilet to retrieve my "priceless" electronic. As I brought it up, I was thinking well at least it wasn't poop, in the water...EWWWWW it was pee. And how stupid is that you know it won't work now that it has been in water.
I washed my hands, dried off the bluetooth, stuck it in my ear and turned it on. OMG it still worked and has worked just fine since then. Then I cracked up laughing. A $20 bluetooth was worth so much to me that without even thinking I stuck my hand in toilet water, hopefully with only my pee in it to get my bluetooth out. I don't know where the bluetooth fell from. I had left my phone in the truck, and don't remember if I put the device in my coat pocket or if it was still in my ear. At any rate, you can rest assured I don't carry it around in my mouth by the hook on the earpiece anymore. On a side note, it is hard to find a bluetooth that fits my ear and that I can hear well. World of Wally doesn't carry this model anymore. |
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My nephews bought my mom an octopus splash and spray for her 71st birthday LOL
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...54984000_n.jpg |
I've been referring to the kids as Ma'am and Sir for the past couple of week... or Miss and Mr. Today I was talking to one guy and said something ending it with Sir... and three other guys responded!! :cracked:
A little respect goes a long way... they're learning! :D |
Cracked
My cat and as I call it her cat-attitde! Im hoping im not the only one with a strange pet! (lol)
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