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Thinking...
how good someone made me feel today... and how good they made me feel about myself... I remain VERY VERY guarded... but it was nice to feel this way instead of defective and like I can't do anything right... I'm tired of getting the blame and I'm tired of feeling ugly. Today was a big change... |
that this health crap needs to be over with because i sure could use some time on the opposite end of Syr's flogger!
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Too much is on my mind, i think i'm going to explode :blink:
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say what?
SILENCE ='S DEATH
speak up! |
on my mind is a conversation that moved me to tears, in a good way and a frustrating way, and the memories, good and not so good, that still mean everything to me. also on my mind is the same wish for the whole human race that things didnt have to be so confusing when it comes to the "heart" and that people understood all the things they needed to before anyone got hurt.
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Argh!
I am a little agitated tonight...there is someone- not on the planet- who I briefly dated this past winter. She is a cling on and doesn't understand why we can't be together even though I have been nice and gentle and honest in my explanations. Sigh...
Now that I am finally happy and dating again, she seems to feel the need to constantly comment on all of my FB posts. I don't have the heart to be mean and delete her, but I need her to chill out. It's really beginning to drive me a bit nuts. So what is really on my mind is figuring out how to do this nicely but firmly so I don't hurt her anymore than I already have...and get the message across once and for all...double sigh... |
Big deep breath...inhales...exhales....
What is on my mind?
1) Mybiomotherthecougarwhosebfisinthehospitalandmaybe dyingandwhohasdonesomuchdamagetomebothofthemandshe wantsmetoprayforhimandbecauseofmylifestyleamongoth erthingsshouldnotjudgehimrightnow. Whew! What gives her the right to throw me into the mix because he is a horrible person and to manipulate me into doing what she wants tries to remind me of my "shortcomings" and my past. I'm not judging him...I'm mad at her. And I did pray for him no matter what a horrid person I think he is. 2) WhydoihavetoalwaysbethebiggerpersonjustbecauseIbel ieveinGodIhavefeelingstooandIdontappreciatebeingdr awnintothemiddleofthingsthatdontbelong/haveanythingtodowithme...read situations/relationships/friendships, etc...I'm not your patsy/scapegoat/badguy/sucker/victim/target. Get your shit together, tie up your loose ends and then come find me. Very Important Disclaimer: I may or may not be here when you get back. 3) Fuck. Yes, I said FUCK. 4) Oh. 5) They just started playing my favorite calm me down pep me up music right now and I am finally smiling a little. Carlos Santana, Oye como va....now I wanna dance...anyone wanna step into my crazy right now and dance with me? lol.... |
my life...
taking time out for me; thinking through all the steps I will take; so life in the present will feel harmonious, full of a rich range of melodies.... |
The imitrex I'm about to take for this horrible headache. I have to be somewhere like an hour ago...:(
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The present, the future and other things that won't leave my mind alone!
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:asswhip: boooooohhhhhaaaaaaa
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Feels good to be getting back into the stride of inner peace.
Feels damn good, in fact. :) |
circles in life
We plan organize and think we know the ending result BUT its not as easy as we think. Sometimes there is a bigger plan. I beleive that after a few circles I am back with her and Its where my hearts yearns to be.
Taino |
yep yep
Time to jump back in with both feet
<-------- Stone Butch Happy Dance:sunglass: :grindevil::leatherdad::grindevil: |
Picking up my new motorcycle this evening...she is all set, and I am feeling quite wicked~ within.
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I hurt. I finally slept for about 20 minutes. I wanna get dressed but it hurts me to. I want my puppies with me. And....that's the extent of my whining.
New friends, amazing conversion, fantastic distraction. And the memories haven't swallowed me today. The princess of yesterday would love that. |
Crawling into her arms at bedtime, my favorite time of the day
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I slept for 4 hours or so.
I may or may not have passed out from pain into sleep One leg stopped spasming but still barely supports my weight Now the other leg is trying to Even with as bad as pain was today, its less than it was, with the exception of about one hour. I slept with my puppies on me and around me. The Bear is bringing me yummy food. The girl came home and I like that sort of thing. |
I love words...Big words, little words, pronounceable and unpronounceable words, made up words, and Hollylaneisms...I just love them!
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I can't stop thinking ~ will I, and have I, made all the right life decisions? I guess only time will tell.
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Today, Lisa (Justin) and I had a connecting flight in Reno before we got to LAX. There was an hour and a half delay. Ugh. Gosh darn the world. How dare they!!!! Don't they know we are tired. We just had a week vacation in Alaska! We are tired and want to get home to our dogs, dammit ugh. Anyways.... **grumble** I walked over to the "sex and the city" slot machine and dropped some cash in for some entertainment....
Finally!!! Our turn to board.... It is southwest afterall, so everyone is elbowing eachother and making sure they are standing in the exact number order. Always fun. So we get on the plane, and put my purse in the middle seat, hold hands to try to offend people so no one sits in the middle so Lisa can lay down. It doesn't work, dammit, and we get squished. I look out the window, and notice military men standing near the plane and there is a hearse. Hmm, thats odd. Never have seen that before. The pilot makes an announcement and says he apologizes for the delay, but the airport was temporarily shut down out of respect for Johnny Blunk, a navy veteran who was killed in the Aurora massacre. His plane had just landed and his casket was removed and being taken to his funeral. Wow, really puts everyhing into perspective. Don't sweat the small stuff and don't take life for granted. Thats on my mind. Rest in peace, Johnny. |
I want to see my dog in my dreams. Every night I go to bed I hope that she would show herself but she hasn't. I think she's to busy running around in doggie heaven being a dog. I miss her.
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Just hit me and have to ponder this a bit
not sure how this came about, not sure it matters, not sure if I am the only one?
Some of these thoughts may differ a bit from others stories if there is anyone else out there.... I really dont drink much maybe a beer here and there while standing over the grill in the summer or a football game or... but you get the point, now when I was younger look out...... So as I said it hit me, A friend of mine had a Grand Opening for her bar and I have been spending some time there getting to know a few peeps looking for the one's who are drinking coffee as that is what I am drinking knowing I have a adversion to meeting peeps who have had to many drinks to me not a good way to start a friendship or more? In my life I have delt with alcohol ex's falling of their AA, working in the hospital seeing what damage it can do to lifes, Friends who have problems in their life because of drinking and others who think drinking seven days a week is not a problem and people who choose to be with people who "dont have a drinking poblem" and here I get to the reason I am pondering this. It hit me I go to the bar to meet peeps who REALLY dont have a drinking problem Ponder That?????:|:blink::confused: |
... i miss my Crush... :(
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read some old e-mail. (deep breath) amazing what life brings and what it takes away. lots of gratitude for everyone who's ever been part of my life and lots of love too. no matter what. lots of love.
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-if my kidney will kick back in n work.
-how much my friend cares about me n has done for me n my boy. I can't show how much I appreciate. -how much anger I feel toward my friend who didn't care about my health n almost let me die. -many things about my life going thru my head. Severe emotional state as I sit in the hospital waiting. |
The message I heard in church today, and the power, someone speaking in simple language can bless you with.
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My Gaige asked me to wake her up in an hour, I did that an hour ago...She answered the phone, with a sweet sleepy voice that made my heart swell, and then fell promptly back to sleep...So, I am listening to her sleep, and it is wonderful to feel so close to her, but a huge part of me aches very much to be there next to her again.
Right now, I would give anything to have the ability to be able to look over at her once in awhile, just to watch her peacefully resting. I would run my fingertips through her short hair, and lean over to softly kiss her forehead or cheek, then I would whisper to her "I love you", and know that she couldn't hear it, but it wouldn't matter, because I just truly do love her. Sweet dreams Baby...:stillheart: |
Both of my children are on my mind...
:moonstars: |
Six months sobriety but not clean time. It's the sobriety one that counts for me; it's the drug that was killing me. If I'd been an AA member this time around it would be cause for a wee celebration, however I'm an NA member and it's clean time that matters not sober time. :sigh:
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work, life, future....but its all good...just glad I'm here!
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i'm glad ur here too bk lol. ~~
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Think I'm gonna go get a Ruben for dinner... not in the mood to cook and miss having my son to cook for...
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That Syr hadn't showered yet from our fishing trip when the pager went off. I hope whoever called 911 doesn't mind the smell of fish and worm guts!
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Quote:
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This huge watermelon I just cut for dinner. I did not think it could be possible to get one sweeter than the one I cut Saturday night.
The only downside is I will be waking up peeing all night. I will deal with that later ... Living in the instant gratification moment .... Chewing down large hunks of this juicy, sweet seedless melon is right where I want to be. :) LOL |
Lunch time love....:)
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Quote:
Not so sure anyone but me is proud, after all I was 17yrs sober previously, so a measly 6 months is a drop in the proverbial ocean. Such is life. I said I would treat myself to a kindle for this small achievement but have yet to order it. :cheesy: |
My days are sunnier and more cheery lately - a romantic interest is on the horizon. It's a 'repeat performance', but perhaps it's true what they say about 'the second time around' - now if can just stop being such a curmudgeon, it might work. :hk31: |
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