Whos fault was it..

I won't say who the other party was but I will say this is only a two person household.

Me, seeing two bottles for a liquid medication on the counter: "Why are there two Xs out?"

Other person: "One bottle is empty."

Me: "Why didn't you throw the empty one away?"

Other person: "I didn't know how empty it was."

Me: :blink: :|

early this morning ...
 

Blade: (on phone with his mom) ok mom...let us know if you need anything.talk to you later....

Me: Are you gonna take a shower with me?
Blade: cracking up laughing ..."I hope mom hung up the phone and didn't hear that!"
Me: :| :| I was talking to Skippy, not you but that is funny!!

I can't say pick the peanut butter our your ears because this happened via text
 

Me: ......nibble your shoulders.....

Them: you'd be surprised how fast (*edited to protect my innocence*) land on the floor as your nipples are on my shoulder.....


Me: ummmmm :| :| honey...I didn't say nipples! :glasses: :glasses:

my sister...at 5:30am...(while I'm sound asleep in "the front room" of open floor plan)
 

(HUGE crash in kitchen...sis yells AHH SHIT!! SHIT SHIT!!!)
me: What's wrong?!?! Can I help?!?! (Knowing she's trying to leave for 1.5 hour commute)
Her: no...dammit...SHIT

a little time passes, she steps to front door and announces "You ever have that moment when you're trying to shake a shaker jar but the lid isn't screwed on??

When she said that, I totally expected to see strawberry protein shake all over her military uniform!! Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't go to kitchen to make sure she got it all, instead of leaving it for mom to clean (like she does everything else) ...if she did...I'm gonna quietly sneak over to sleep on her neighbor's couch before all hell breaks lose.

So around 3pm same day...Mom's in the kitchen and I'm upstairs..
Just as I slip into my bubble bath....I hear mom scream like she'd seen a snake...then cuss up a storm and say WHAT THE HELL IS THIS PINK GOOEY SHIT ALL OVER MY GAS BURNERS AND RANGE HOOD!!!? HOLY HELL...SHE EVEN GOT IT IN THE PILOT LIGHT!! IT LOOKS LIKE A PINK TELLA-TUBBY EXPLODED IN A PRESSURE COOKER!!!

I giggle to myself (I had actually dozed back off this morning and forgot all about it) ...slipped further down in my bubbles with big smile...and thought "good thing I WON'T be here when my sister gets home....mom will accuse her of torturing tella-tubbies!

What I said: Want me to help with that?
What they said, in a sleepy voice: I don't think your hands are big enough to wrap around it.
My response: :| :| ohhhhh really?? (Laughing hard and naughty giggle) I wasn't talking about THAT kinda help!

From the radio..Would you date someone who didn't like the same sports team as you? As my roomie and I were riding down the road.

Me...HELL NO, I sure wouldn't date a Gamecock fan

Roomie..laughing really?

Me...yeah all my girls have been Tigers

Rommie...belly laughing with the exception of one

My 13 year old while we were talking about music: I really liked Skillet until I found out it was a christian band.

"Oh snaps!", "Seriously?", "That's ridonkulous!" are heard very, very often in this household.

"Oooh... You turned my butt on!"

from a local buddy who was repairing the porch light
 

As he was describing his spine surgery gone wrong...
"They chipped a bone and had to wheel me into the MRI to find it. But they couldn't find it and left it in there!! Later I told my doc that my BALLS GO NUMB!!!...doc said that chip is pinching the nerve but he won't remove it. So I told him my wife is fixed and I don't want kids so CUT MY BALLS OFF! I heard Duke [medical college] will give $800 per ball so cut them off and send them to Duke! I don't need them!!... I need the money and it's better than going numb! ...

Then his doctor said (thru a thick accent)..'dat won't help. It be like cutting off arm...will feel phantom pain"...

:| :|

Shit heard 'round this house!!

All in the course of one day.....


A chihuahua fart!!
(We all laughed till we cried!!)
Me: Skippy!! You rotten little fart! I didn't squeeze you that hard!!
Skippy's Daddy: sounded like you squeezed the shit outa him!!
(OMG!! MORE LAUGHTER AND TEARS)

*******************later....

Friend 1 about buddy 2: Look...I think hy wants a threesome!!
Friend 3: (looking at buddy 2 with a cocky grin) I only do two and you ain't one of the two.

*********************

Them: Get that thang off my foot!
Me: What thang!
Them: THAT thang!
Me: it's just a string on your pants.
Them: NOT THAT THANG! THE OTHER THANG!
Me: there's noTHANG on your foot!
Them: look there....
Me: oh? That tiny little thang? *chuckles* give me the flashlight, who gave you warts on your foot?
Them: I was born with it...maybe when I was a little boy I stepped on frog poop?
Me: (cracked up laughing)

**************

While watching a very descriptive commercial for treatment (Osphena) of post menopausal dryness .....
Friend 1: OH MY GOD...at dinnertime they play commercials about Viagra...then at night they play this before little kids go to bed?
Friend 2: .....(looked at Friend 1 with a cocky grin then looked at the TV and declared....) Ohhh baby! If you were with me, you wouldn't have that problem... GLIDE INNNN....glide out...
Friend 1: YOU ARE SOOOOO BAD!!
Friend 2: Well? My woman wouldn't need lube...
Friend 1: *rolling eyes and laughing * LOOK!! *pointing at Buddy 3* Hy just winked at me!!

*****************
Them: :fart: :fart: :fart: :fart:
Me: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!! YOU'RE GROSS!! THANK GOD YOU ROLLED OVER TO FACE ME BEFORE YOU DID THAT!!
Them: (laughing hard) What did you think of that?
Me: it sounded like your ass cheeks flapped together!!
Them: HAHA...Told you I'm all boy!!
Me: I've known that forever but daymmmm you!!
Me: looked over at Buddy 3...are you ok??
Buddy 3: winked at me then hid hys face under the pillow

As I'm watching TV, I hear...

GIVE ME THAT FROG!! I'M GONNA KNOCK YOU OUT!! .



Poor WooBear doesn't understand the frog is FILTHY, and is in the laundry for a reason.

"Oh, Ace. I can't get enough of you!"