* A woman calls the fire department screaming that her house is on fire.

The fireman asks “how do we get there”?
The woman says, “why don’t you still have those big fire trucks”?


* Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar?

They each got six months.


* Did you already hear about the zoo that only has a dog?

It was a Shih-tzu


* Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.


* Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The retail store.

Vancouver Aquarium faces bankruptcy
 

Because of the Coronavirus and being shut down for a month, the Vancouver Aquarium is now facing bankruptcy

The above is actually happening now here in B.C. as per:

https://globalnews.ca/news/6825917/v...irus-shutdown/

"Ocean Wise, which operates the facility, has applied to governments for $9.5 million, but has not heard back yet."

Perhaps, the Vancouver Aquarium could get help from a loan shark. :)

Q: Why was the little Strawberry crying?
A: His mom was in a jam.


Q: Who earns a living while driving their customers away?
A: A Taxi driver.


Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match.

~~
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.

Q: What do you call a sad strawberry?

A: A Blue berry.

Silly jokes and sayings
 

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned so what could they do?
Let us flea said the fly. Let us fly said the flea. SO, they flew through the flaw in the flue.

Corny jokes for smart folks. Still not sure if I got them. lol

I hate it when people get all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

The three hardest things to say are:

1. I was wrong.

2. I'm sorry.

3. Worcestershire Sauce.

Told my gf I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Thursday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time she does.

Corny Jokes
 

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back.

A stick


My 3 favorite things: eating my family and not using commas.

Corny Jokes
 

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
Maybe

What do you call someone who has had too much to drink?
A Cab

When is the moon broke?
When it's down to it's last quarter.

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

Corny Jokes
 

Two bed bugs fell in love and are getting married in the spring.

Did Adam and Eve have a date in the garden? NO they had an apple.

Shortest will ever written. Being of sound mind I spent it all.

Jokes
 

How do dog catchers get paid? By the pound.

How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

What has T at the beginning, T in the middle and T at the end? A TEAPOT

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have'?" The rabbit says, "I dunno, I'm only in here because of Auto correct."

What's the hardest thing to sell to a ghost?

Life Insurance

Corny Jokes
 

The moron swallowed his watch yesterday he thought it was time consuming however.

Why are dogs not good dancers? Cause they have two left feet.

Why did the chicken cross the road? For foul reasons.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.....


She told me to stop going to those places!

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dog and a tree?

A: By their bark.

Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep?

A: You rocket.

Q: How do you know the moon is going broke?

A: When it's down to its last quarter.

~~~
How did the picture end up in jail?

It was framed

~~~~~
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!

The Toy Story Edition
 

My two son's absolutely went GaGa for the Toy Story characters, Buzz Lightyear and Woody, years ago.
Here is a few clean jokes that I think are so cute.


Q: Why is Buzz Lightyear so good at Maths?

A: Because he can count to infinity and beyond.

Q: What kind of music does Buzz Lightyear listen to?

A: Neptunes.

Q: What did Rex say to Woody after eating a toy?

A: You've got a friend in me.

Q: Why is Jesse undefeated in Darts?

A: Because she always hits the bullseye.

Q: Why did Buzz Lightyear go to school on the sun?

A: To get brighter.

Q: What does Buzz Lightyear like to read?

A: Comet books.

Q: Where is Woody directing his new film, called "The Sun"?

A: It's set in the west.

Q: What did Woody say to Buzz Lightyear?

A: A lot. There were 3 Toy Story movies.

~~~~
Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, my husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?” I smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

Q. What did the big flower say to the little flower? A. Hi, bud!

Q. Did you hear the one about the little mountain? A. It's hill-arious!

Q: Which fruit is a vampire's favorite? A: Neck-tarine!

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?

A: Because there are so many plots there!

Q. What do you call two birds in love?

A. Tweet-hearts!

Perhaps not so much corny, but still jokey.


Last week, while driving, I picked up a hitch hiker.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him I thought that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car at the same time were probably extremely small.

Corny jokes
 

My gf, knowing how hard it is for kids the first day of class asked me to get our 6 yr old ready for school, so I punched him, knocked him down and took his lunch money.

Mexico called. They want to pay for the wall themselves now.

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.