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The fact that I am not sleeping is on my mind and why I am not sleeping is right behind it. I did not think the holidays would hit me like this. I knew it would be difficult but not like this. This will be my first Thanksgiving completely alone and it is eating me up inside even though I keep trying to push it out of my mind. I cam back to this stupid because 1) I had no choice and 2) I believed my sisters lies that the family missed me and wanted me home. Yeah they miss me so much and want me home so much not one of the three that live in this city has bothered to invite me to dinner. Wanted me so much when I called and asked my sister tonight if I could come over to see my grand-nephew I was told flat out your not welcome here....
I do have things to be thankful for...I am alive for one...I have a meet wonderful people on this site...and of course now I have my girl to be thankful for....I am trying to be positive it just gets hard sometimes..... |
Today is doctor appointment day...I love my docs but hate, hate, hate driving into Charlotte...on the plus side my pulmonary doc is supposed to finally release me after monitoring me for the last 16 months. I had a nasty bout of H1N1 in the winter of 2011 that left some scarring in my lungs. And I see my weight loss doc... he is so sweet and I've lost quite a bit over the last month. So both appointments should go well and hopefully I'll be back home before noon...
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Lord, have mercy...
How undeniably sexy, classy, and cool my baby is....Raaawr...hy makes my heart>>>:rose:
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The fact that I had bought tickets to a concert I was so looking forward to and finding out last night that what I thought was the date of the performance was in fact wrong. So instead of planning and enjoying a needed distraction of seeing Hinder live on the 20th I am kicking myself for actually missing it because the concert was on the 12th. Granted I enjoyed what I was doing on the 12th of this month but the Hinder concert was to be my distraction for the disappointment surrounding Thanksgiving. *Sigh* it is what it is right and at least I have the weekend to come up with a different way to distract myself. That at least finding out means I avoided the embarrassed feeling of showing up to something that was not happening and the bigger let down that would have occurred on Monday. There is a positive to everything if I look hard enough.
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as per the norm....
Coffee |
Lincoln...the history nerd in me wants to see that movie so bad I can't stand it!
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I find it so terribly sad that we are losing an iconic American industry for the sole reason of people not being able to come to an agreement. Finding out that the union that REPRESENTS the Hostess employees is the cause of the company's demise is horrifying to me. It seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. But that's 18 THOUSAND noses and faces.... And 18,000 families that will lose an income this winter/holiday season.
And just as an aside...I'm not truly a Twinkie junkie....I haven't actually had one in years.It was always sufficient to know that they were there if I ever wanted one. Like Malomars. So maybe I have contributed to their demise in some small way.... <<<Catholic girl with Catholic guilt..... |
Coffee!!!!
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I desire a date.
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my Sight... and... how the things I see... will come to be...
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He is. Our love grows stronger, everyday. Our reality, the way We handle distance, and still deal with everyday things together as a couple. Reality isn't imaginary when a couple is distanced, it takes work and love and much patience and understanding. Everyday We have that. We support one another, We communicate and talk through everything, and We share every day things to bring Us closer. We plan date nights, We cook together, We watch movies together and We're present for one another. The absolute joy in the small things, the laughs, the music and Our families. Now, We're working on bringing all of that together. We didn't jump fast, We built something strong over time, We planned visits & We got to know one another and continue to. Everyday, i find more things about Him that i love dearly. i respect Him, adore Him, and can't wait to physically be with Him. The amazing support from Him while i am in school, always encouraging and understanding. He cheers me on, and i am so proud of the outstanding Guy He is. An amazing parent, friend to many, protector & human being.. i am a lucky girl for Him, and do appreciate Him so. ♥ |
this issue has been on my mind.
Quote:
The union was advocating for the bakers who were being asked to make more significant concessions like reduction in pay and benefits. They'd already taken two pay cuts, lost benefits, and lost their pensions over the past several years. You might want to look at the other side for the cause, the side that was advocating for corporate greed and the CEO whose several million dollar compensation package had tripled in the past few years and the executives whose pay had risen by an average of 80%. Meanwhile the company was on the verge of bankruptcy and people who barely made a living wage as it is (I saw an analysis today that said the bakers made an average of $14,000 per year) were asked to take less and less. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer all the time. Unions are one of our only defense mechanisms when it comes to keeping what we have. Don't allow them to be vilified. |
This site is on mind lately. On how I used to look forward to coming here and finding connection with the community. When I could come and almost every thread either made me smile or laugh because of something one of the people on my friend list has said. Now though it is almost a chore for me to come here. Not even the thought of posting in my own thread draws me here any loner. I now almost always worry about being misunderstood and judged. This upsets me because I have so much in real life going on that the old laughter would have been appreciated and writing without feeling the fear of being misunderstood was desperately needed. No one has said anything or done anything to make me feel this way, it is just the energy I get when I come here now. Maybe it is the holiday season, maybe it is an over tired mind being paranoid, or it could be real that this is just the wrong site for me. *Sigh* so this site is on my mind and what I need or want to do about it now.
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I can't sleep tonight and there's a lot on my mind. I've made a lot of changes lately, all of them has been really difficult for me. At night lately I just want to be held. But there's no 1 here to hold me. The result is insomnia. I guess I'm just waiting for 1 thing to even out, wanting to feel like it's complete and headed in the right direction.
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On My Mind
Is there a thread for those folks who are into D-s only?
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The Christmas torture has begun....I love it.
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I haven't been in the doc's office for quite sometime for those kinds of exams.
Not fond of them at all... Seems I am going back tomorrow for labwork and such. Might even be walking out with blood pressure meds. She wasn't none to pleased with the two readings I had today. :sigh: Overnight shift begins at midnight and then to the lab when I get out at 8am... blah! |
The irony of the text I just got. Meant lovingly and supportive... Instead invoked bitterness.
Homework and the exam I just took. Put her royal highness to bed.... In my bed. Jackrabbit sleeping on her back. Conversations had. The road taken, aware I'm at a split, wondering which way my road will turn, left or right. Bear making me laugh last night. Joyful laughter that's been absent in me for the last couple of months, thus giving me hope it will return. |
For you....
Yes, you... I already had a beautiful life...an amazing life, even with all the trials in it. But... know this... ...like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.... It's even more amazing being surrounded by even more unconditional, intense love. |
What's on my mind...
for the first time in quite awhile, I've got a sick feeling in my stomach. Anxiety you are not welcome here. |
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You, my friend, are a burst of sunlight that radiates all over everyone that can even sense your sweetness. So I am going to envision you surrounded in beautiful golden light today and I join others to do the same with me. May any anxiety melt away as the presence of love energy that you put out into the world mirrors back at your one hundred fold. May you feel only peace, joy and love. |
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No matter what happens throughout my day, I have some amazing friends that love me. Thank you for the kind words of love and golden light :) |
Self-censorship. I feel a pull within to hold back what I want to say to someone. :ballngag:
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A few different things....
*Wondering...waiting...hoping...and worrying. (w)
*Learning how to re-motivate myself in the areas that I really need to work on. *Making mental grocery lists that never seem to make it onto paper, therefore never really remembering everything I need. *Photo edits that are taking entirely too long, because I can't seem to "see" how I want them to go, to fit the current client's wants/needs. *Financial stressors. *Hating the holiday stress. |
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Sending you warm, aqua blue energies...calming like the sea...and warm white rays..to fill your soul....and yellow sun rays...to warm..you you are a rainbow of love, hope, sunshine, goodness, and all things pure in this world...your heart is amazing. Let us wrap you in our collective energies & light here...and hold you up....it will be all okay.....we love you....feel the love and energies....love you Pinkie....you are always such a ray of light to everyone else...so let our little beacons light you honey....xo...Clay |
Trying to clear my head
Homework Laundry Tomorrow Dark thoughts |
How powerful the spoken word is.
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Tonight I smile, just got a text from a childhood friend (since we're 12) and it was so nice to see the words HAPPY THANKSGIVING from her. You see, a couple months ago, we didn't know if she'd live or die while waiting on a donor list for a liver. She's been in a nursing home recovering and 2 days ago, she took 18 steps on her own. I was in awe and am so grateful the powers that be had plans for her that didn't include leaving us yet. She's like the sister I always wanted, always been there for me whenever I needed her. I think it'll be that way until the end. We're exactly a month to the day apart in age. If we don't talk for months, it's just like we can pick up a convo like it was yesterday. I am certainly always going to be in her corner pulling for a full recovery and celebrating via the phone when she gets to leave the nursing home.
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I'm hoping someone figures out food. And relatively soon.
I just realized I've not eaten today. I'm quite sure I will be in trouble for this. I'm contemplating an idea. |
Quote:
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Friends
Family lack of sleep fact that I have not eaten yet tonight tomorrow sad dark thoughts |
beautiful thoughts.....mmmmm
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Today, not only am I thankful, but I was blessed to have the company of a 15 month old boy with a whole lot of energy. He made me laugh, run around with him, feed him and share my Kool Aid and ice cream with him. I so enjoyed seeing his little smile and high energy. The tumbling he did for me as I helped him and the book he brought out for me to read with him. I didn't realize just how much I missed having young ones around me even though I knew I missed it. My co-workers grandson made me forget, if just for a little while that I wanted to be somewhere else for this holiday.
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Today I am thankful that my Gaige and her family opened up their home to me via Skype, and allowed me to feel like I was not alone for the Holiday. I met her mother, father, nephew, her brother and his fiance. I got to watch her nephew, Thomas, dancing around and wrestling with Gaige. I felt like I watched the football game after the meal, and got a real kick out of the sound affects Gaige made as she took her full stomach to the recliner to veg and watch the game.
What a wonderful day, and I still haven't eaten my vegetarian own dinner and pie! I am a very lucky, happy, grateful and satisfied woman. Thank you Baby! :aslIloveyou: |
Today although I spent the day alone I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for friends I met here and I am grateful for my girl that spent the morning with me before she went to have her dinner. I am also grateful for that I have a place to live and food to eat many people do not even have those small things in life. There are many things I am thankful for on this day and one is that I know next year will be better than this year.
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My client who brought the family kitten in to get spayed. She was fine until 45 before he was due to pick her up, she died suddenly. Everyone was shocked of course.
He didn't want the cat but she grew on him. So he had to tell the wife and kid. Kinda sucks. |
things
...fixing things
...starting things ...warming things up ...talking to the folks about some things ...finding things ...cocoa& coffee ....oh & how good of a (not so little anymore)puppy my Stella is...makes me proud |
Thinking
Thinking of my new friend. Enjoyed our visit and look forward to another. We probably could have talked all day. Hope you are doing well as you can.
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yesterday I realized something...After *years* rejecting turkey{regardless who made it, and how, dry...}...I lost my immunity...How'd I find out? I caved in and tried it yesterday, being grateful and all{I stuffed my yap}...I go online, well...I thought I did.
I get nudged and asked "are you ok?" "hu..?....Ouch" realizing half my forehead was on the laptop keyboard, and the 'wrong' arm slightly twisted, I looked like an impression of roadkill on the bed..My best guess? I figured I would stretch, relax a moment on the bed, and dozed off... Oh, 2 hours had gone by.... I need a haircut... :blink: |
my mind is wondering on many things and taking its own trail today ...
reflection on the past wondering on the future desires for the present chore list wish list the beauty of a crisp morning and wanting to share quiet moments sitting on the deck just relaxing my mind is wondering and if I keep rambling it will get me in trouble. |
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