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Seeing an ugly side of me that is not pleasant. Learning from my mistakes. Growing as a person and not letting emotions overrule my sanity.
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It can be startling how quickly things can become clear. I had a dream last night and didn't understand it at first. Then it dawned on me what it was really about.
I was floored. |
What's on my mind...
Our future day-to-day living that will happen for us and how it all just feels so right. I get lost in daydreams quite frequently these day :fan: |
What's on my mind
(Trigger warning: abuse)
I'm a little apprehensive about going to Colorado for Christmas to see my family. My family hasn't seen me since I started my physical transition from F to M and I'm anxious about how they'll react. Although one of my brothers is very supportive, the rest of my family is struggling and hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I have a particularly strained relationship with my parents, as there was a lot of abuse while I was growing up. Now that I have a goatee, sideburns and my physical transition is quite noticeable, I'm afraid that they will be physically abusive with me again. I only see my family once every couple of years, but my Mom still hits me from time to time. I would never hit my Mom and I've never called the police over it. I don't like it but I don't know what to do about it. My stomach is all tied up in knots. |
thinking about my upcoming surgery dec 14th. its coming up quick and i have so much to do before hand.
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Maybe you thought of this, but in case you haven't, I wanted to mention, it might be a good idea not to stay at their house, not to be dependent on them in that way. If you have a friend to stay with, that might be a good idea. Or it might be smart to stay in a motel if you can afford it. |
My thoughts are burning... Consuming
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All the paperwork I still need to do...
The upcoming dance on saturday... The weight loss bet that I'm currently losing (but only by 2 lbs)... Just life & love in general.... |
*raises an eyebrow*
That was a very odd dream... Very |
Wondering if my iphone emoticons are showing up!
😍😝✌💘👯 Can you see them??? |
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Today I have a lot on my mind, being sick in bed gives one plenty of time to think... One thing that is occupying a great deal of this think time is the idea of fate.
I am a strong believer in the Fates. There are lessons in life one is destined to learn and the Fates have been given charge of leading you to those lessons. Sometimes, our stubbornness and free will means they have to lead us back to the same lesson many times. In the same way that we must continue to live through the same life lesson until it sticks, sometimes we overlook the blessings that are meant for us as well. In these cases, the fates then must lead us back to these blessings... but even the Fates do not have infinite patience. If we continue to overlook the good that may be present in our lives and refuse to take a risk in accepting it and pursing it (even happiness and blessings must be worked for an maintained) then eventually, it will no longer be on our path. Its never enough to wish for happiness, blessings, and gifts, we must seek them out, work for them, and make them happen. Opportunity is the greatest gift we can be given, but even if the door has been unlocked, we must still turn the handle, open it, and walk through it to the future we are offered. |
Nutella is on my mind.
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This post is Brilliant and beautiful. Thank you |
Sleep or lack of lol.
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The near future and not so near future.
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Various music
I actually watched TV today The pups School.... Did I mention music? Images put in my head I just realized I never got around to eating today Considering taking a walk |
filing a missing persons report on my son.
deep sadness |
A very bad dream...I'm not sure I can get back to sleep.... :(
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Wondering if I should rent a movie called "Tomboy"{2011}..
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Thank you so much for posting this. Back in the 80's I would attend the Lesbian Writers Series at the now closed "A Different Light Book Store" in SilverLake, a neighborhood in the City of Los Angeles. Eloise Klein Healy read there many times. I remember she was also a professor at California State University, Northridge, CSUN. Her poetry moved me and what touched me even more about her is the time she took with her audience. After the reading was over she was always so engaging and kind with the people who lingered to speak with her. I know she also mentored younger lesbian writers. Here's to Eloise Klein Healy. Job well done.She has earned this honor. |
With a sprit of the utmost gratefulness....
How truly fortunate I am...on so many, many, levels...I always want to remember that....Life is *Truly* the most profounnd gift ever bestowed upon me.....:present:
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Spirit is Omnipotent
very odd...did not see previous posts...cheers
[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMdXikyXVNY"]Cranberries - Little Drummer Boy - YouTube[/nomedia] [nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-QtjaHeyrM"]Frank Sinatra - The Little Drummer Boy (Best version ever) - YouTube[/nomedia] [nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhXRpyPPodk"]Karen Carpenter (The Carpenters) - Christmas Portrait (19 Dec 1978) - Ave Maria - YouTube[/nomedia] |
My :heartbeat:...and where it *truly * stands with you.
It is a true mystery to me. God, help me. |
My Mind
My grl and I going to bed early tonight!
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I had my very first reading ever, in about 1983 at A Different Light Bookstore in Silverlake. I still remember what I wore (white culottes, red blouse), and some of what I read. My friend Tommy (he has since died of AIDS), brought me a bouquet of flowers with a card that said, "I'm bustin' my buttons with pride." Interestingly, a woman taped that reading, unbeknownst to me, and a few years ago got in touch with me through a publisher of mine and sent the cassette tape. Later she came through NYC and we met at a diner in the West Village. She's a butch out in San Francisco. Eloise wrote a letter of recommendation, helping me get into graduate school. I haven't stayed in touch with her so much since I moved out here, but I have followed her work somewhat. A close mutual friend is the one who alerted me that she was getting the laureate. Sometimes I miss L.A. |
I really want to get up today and do things. I want to put away boxes, finish decorating for the holidays, and get into the kitchen... but I know if I can just stay in bed another day or two it will help so much with my recovery from whatever nasty I have caught... *sigh* I really do not like being idle...
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A tearful phone call from a colleague who lost her job today...business at her law firm has slowed down so she was laid off.
It reminded me how fortunate I am. Because when that happened to my office last year I only had my hours cut from 40 to 32. |
One year ago. I believe this exact date. If not, very close.
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My sister got a call today from a fill in nurse at her doctor's office. This nurse proceeded to tell her that she had untreatable cervical cancer. I can't even imagine what my sister was going through. The nurse told her all about her condition, then told her someone would call her because they needed to refer her to a specialist. The nurse verified my sister's phone number and guess what?? It wasn't her number! The nurse fucked up and called the wrong person. Being a nurse myself, this is inexcusable. Not only did she scare my sister half to death, but the nurse also told my sister the name of the person who does have the cervical cancer.
Just has me thinking now about the poor person who did have to hear that news today. Life is just way too short. |
I'm missing GRIMM...because they chose to give SNL....on a FRIDAY night !!! {puerto rico doesn't observe DST}
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What happened to, "Hello, may I speak to Jane Doe, please?" That would have caused one less anxiety attack, anyway. |
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What's also shocking is that a) such horrible news would not be delivered by the person's doctor and b) that it would not be delivered in person. I hope it wasn't a cruel hoax of some type... creepy. And your poor sister. |
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But it just seems... I don't know. I think of how it would feel to me, even with a smart, compassionate medical professional who is not my doctor, breaking that kind of news to me. I guess I have been pretty sheltered from knowing these things. |
One year ago...today...my surgery to save my life!!! I am both very blessed & very grateful!! To my BFF...THANK YOU for walking this journey with me...I heart you...always...
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