Getting the news that the Grandkids’s “other Grandmother “ died. It’s been awhile since my spouse and I saw her but we talked on the phone. You just never know when your time is up…………

The boi is in the hospital with a stent in his kidney and kidney stones, but that's not the most worrisome problem. They saw a spot on his lung on the x-ray, and it's one that was there the last time he was in the hospital. It has grown. It might be leftover pneumonia from the last time he was in the hospital, or it might be cancer. They are doing a biopsy tomorrow if they can get a surgical team together on a Saturday or on Monday if they can't. The healthcare system is so f'ed up, and he really needs everyone on their best game right now. I don't know what to do, so I had a big boo-hoo this afternoon.

Frentorish Bowie
 

Seeing this photo of Tori Bowie wrapped in the U.S. flag. She died this week. She was one of my heroes.

https://i.postimg.cc/1t3T7prj/03bowi...uper-Jumbo.jpg
Tori Bowie after winning the silver medal in the 100-meter dash at the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. Credit: Adrian Dennis/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images

Receiving the funeral Thank You cards I ordered in the mail. The one on the outside of the box says "Love Lives On". It reminded me of a song I once sang in a chorus:

Love lives on
Beyond goodbye.
The truth of us
Will never die.
Our spirits will shine
Long after we're gone
And so our love lives on.

Good News (no oral cancer)
 

Today I had my oral biopsy to remove what they thought was cancer.


I don't have cancer.

I had a fibrous lesion inside my mouth due to my jaw being off (TMJ) and kept accidentally biting the inside of my cheek -- for years.

It's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and by the way, on June 6th will mark 1 year being smoke free (for life).



<<<<<<<<<~~~~ teary, so grateful, thankful and so humbled.

Accidentally calling someone else by Dixon's name.

Hearing He Stopped Loving Her Today by George Jones

Telling my mom about Dixon's passing, and realizing that it won't be too much longer before my mom can't remember who I am.

My hips are in horrific pain tonight. We are expecting a freeze tonite after many warm days. If I could cut my legs off, I would….

Talking to my therapist. I keep thinking I've finally told everyone about Dixon's passing, and then there will be someone else.

Also, last night I was cleaning out my voice mail, and realized I still have the one from when Dixon first asked me out. I have some voice mails from my Dad too - he died about five years ago. That was a good, loud 30-minute cry.

I cry every day since I learned the news almost 2 weeks ago...
My best, dearest friend up North has been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer after a really bad stroke.

My new Love gave me the greatest gift ever by taking me to see her and say goodbye. His selflessness, compassion and tenderness made me cry.

Seeing the most amazing, strong woman in the world so vulnerable and weak absolutely tore my heart out.

I’ve been crying all day. Losing my job has been traumatic for me, my dog has been suffering with arthritis and I’m scared to death. I’m not gonna be able to afford her treatment. She’s going to be nine in February so she’s actually very young to have developed arthritis so badly. I just took her into the vet and spent a lot a lot of money on allergy medication and arthritis medication. The allergies are under control. But she can’t even put her foot on the ground. She cannot bear weight on it at all! I have loved all my dogs and each one of them has been special. Moondoggy is exceptional. I can’t stand to see her in pain! I have to call the vet on Monday. I can’t stop crying…

The thought of losing my brother to his long illness and fight with diabetes. Wish I could go see him but airfare is outrageously expensive. By early spring we might could go. I just tear up and weep at the thought of losing my brother. :(

My sister's distress. Our mother is now in a geriatric psych ward, having her medications evaluated. She could be there for up to two weeks, and my sister feels that she has abandoned our mother. Also, I think she's feeling out of control - that's an unusual situation for her, and it makes her extremely uncomfortable.

She told me how much she hates to cry. She just stuffs her feelings down and ignores them. I suggested that it might be good for her to get them out. (I really think she could use some therapy.) She just said she can't stand the feeling, and it makes her head hurt and she feels "mushy".

She also misses our mother. She said when the transport people took her today it felt heartbreaking, as if they were taking one of her children. My sister and mom have lived together for the past two years, and then my sister found her, what we thought was, the perfect nursing home. It's six minutes away from my sister's house, and she has been to see our mom every day since we moved her there, two weeks ago.

I'm worried about Mama too, but she's just going through the system, going through all the red tape of living in a nursing facility. The geriatric psych ward in this hospital specializes in what she needs, and I'm sure they will take care of it as soon as possible (I hope - I do have dark thoughts about them keeping her as long as possible to run up the Medicare bill). But then she will get back to her nursing home, and my sister will get back to her daily visits. She can check in with the nurses daily and attend all of Mama's caretaker team meetings and feel like she's in control again.

I just hope my sister doesn't break.

When one of my coworkers asked me how my spouse was doing? I just burst into tears because come January she will be 81 years old and she is in heart failure. They replaced the battery in her pacemaker last month. She knows she doesn’t have long. We have talked about her wishes. She wants to die at home. And my dear Mother has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t usually know my sister and I most days anymore. I’m heartbroken that I’m going to lose my spouse and my Mother and I’m not able to cope anymore. All I do is eat to kill the pain and I’m almost at 300lbs. I hate how my life is going right now but I know there are other people way worse off then me.

My heart is crushed into dust and tears will never wash away the pain I feel. She passed peacefully, surrounded by love. The world is a much less colorful, empty space without her.

A Korean drama, Extraordinary Attorney Woo. I must have just needed a good cry, because it wasn't even really that sad.

I love that series. And it touches me that you cried. It demonstrates your ability to be empathetic.