this is a new id for me... would you mind explaining what it means to you? i could guess... but no guarantees i'd be right! ;)
thanks in advance!

i can definitely identify with that! i am invisible in the queer community as well as the hetero community.

i think all this depends on where you are and who you are interacting with. i hope that the queer community is are evolved enough that you find acceptance more often than not. i know we have both here, althugh i like to think we are moving in a trans-positive direction. and no i don't think it makes you a jerk...we can't help who we're attracted to.. but (being a queer femme) maybe i'm biased! :p

Thank You, I'll let you know how it turned out. Hopefully pain free :)

this is interesting to me... i have had the exact opposite experience. often when i am out in public here with very masculine butch women/females, (who btw prefer feminine pronouns), people go out of their way to call them sir. one of the women has very large breasts (i dunno how anyone could miss them)! in these cases do you think it's intentional use of the wrong pronoun? or do you think that they're trying to be sensitive and just aren't able to see the difference? blind? ig'nant? thoughts?

I believe there is an honest-to-goodness mix of people who do those things.

I believe there are some who feel your ID must be that of the masculine....maybe even male.....and they are wanting to "have your back" and let you know they see you and they get it.

I believe there are some who are being a-holes and trying to cut at you.

And I believe there are some who are real "surface-y" with that stuff. His/her mind registered "male" so they went with "sir" and now they're on to the next thing.

There's no way of knowing for sure what one individual means by it at any given time, IMO.

Welp. Went for my 2 week visit. The nipple grafts seemed to have worked and being hairy did not help. Dr. V removed my tape from across my scars and pulled all the hair as well :blink: That said, he said I should be able to toss the ace bandage in a week (at most but possibly before then). I'll have the "skin coloured" tape on my scars for 3-4 months but could be "shirtless by next week!

He also said I could start running in about 3 weeks (I assume weight lifting would be a couple of weeks after that). Either way...

Before my husband transitioned, we had the same experience as Gemme in Central Florida and SW Ontario. Mostly the term *ladies*...not a fan of that word in general but especially hated it when we were out together for obvious reasons.

And it seems most of the time that people in areas like yours are doing it as a "favor"........to say, "Hey, I see you and I'm hip to all this." Would you agree? Or do you think they're being shitty for the most part?

Here in California and especially in the Bay Area, people do make an effort to say ladies and ma'am and such, and I do think it's because they are trying to acknowledge me in a positive way. However, it is annoying. I can see how it is hard for not only straight people, but I have seen this with some queer folks too, to get the pronouns right. I look like a butch, not a man at this point. There are many butches who don't want to be called sir. So I can see how it can be confusing for some female-bodied masculine folks to say, "hey I'm not a sir", and people like me saying, "um, it's sir not lady". I try to be aware that a lot of people have the best of intentions when getting it wrong about my gender identity.

hmmm... i'm in south bay... and we have a lot of butches here, or we used to anyway (our genderqueer and trans pops seem to be growing/becoming more visible and b/f pops shrinking/becoming less visible). the butches i referred to earlier, aren't binding and they get "sir" when we go out. it's like the gen pop see the short hair and masculine dress and look no further. i like the idea of just leaving the pronouns out entirely. especially since sometimes it is hard to tell and isn't always appropriate to ask.

When I officially "came out" my first "girlfriend", I use quotation marks because as it turns out he was actually trans, I had absolutely no idea about his gender dysphoria and was generally clueless.

It is a real shame because I know now, in my complete ignorance I probably made his experience much worse, which I feel much grief about still. I have gone out of my way to educate myself through online sources, blogs, youtube (which I have already mentioned in another thread has a wonderful trans community) academic discourse...basically any source I could get my hands on...But I am still very conscious of the fact that it is not a "one size fits all" case.

He was the first and only trans guy that I have been with and it didn't work so well...

Where I am, there is a small trans community, and I know that I have felt myself attracted to a few trans guys, and to be frank I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to have a special relationship with someone that happens to be trans...

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I hear complaints from the trans community about cisgendered people just being a pain in the ass, I really don't want to be one those people :(

Actually any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

I think its important to establish a friendly interest in someone, before asking questions related to being a transperson, unless you are attending some kind of panel and the audience has been invited to ask questions. While I prefer the direct, to the point questions, when fielding such questions from someone I don't know, I wonder if they consider me a freak or if they have a fetish—and I'm not inclined to be very vulnerable. Have you read The Testosterone Files, by Max Wolf Valerio, Both Sides Now, by Dhillon Khosla, or Just Add Hormones, by Matt Kailey? Perhaps a question relating to one of these books, would be a good way to open a conversation with someone.

This forum is also a good venue to ask questions and gather info from other people's posts.

As a transguy, I am always grateful when someone asks me my preferred pronoun. I am not at all adverse to someone asking me questions about my experience as a trans person. But I think Liam is correct: don't start asking questions as the first thing you talk about with him. However, if your questions are respectful, then it shouldn't be an issue. Saying "this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you" is actually perfect. That is being respectful. I hope this helps.

I think the most important thing is pretty much the sentiment you've expressed here: that you're willing to hear what trans people have to say. In many respects I think it's like any relationship or friendship with anyone else. You want to hear the person out, respect their identity without necessarily centering your interaction around that particular identity (broadcasting them to the world as the token trans/gay/butch/femme etc. friend) get to know what they're comfortable with, and generally show respect towards them. Just the way some people claim that they're trans or queer "allies" and yet they spend more time telling trans or queer people how to feel than actually listening to what trans or queer people have to say. Or making trans or queer people feel silly or guilty for not being comfortable with certain pronouns, anatomical words, slurs, jokes, "opinions" about their identity, references and so on.

As far as communication, some transfolks just aren't comfortable with talking about trans issues with people they don't know well, or even at all. Some just want to transition and forget about ever being trans, others want to remain as visibly trans as possible, and that might affect how comfortable they are with talking about their experience with transition or gender identity/expression. As far as asking about pronouns and such, I don't think most transfolks would take offense if you asked about a preferred pronoun. I think many transfolks just appreciate when people make an effort to use the correct pronouns/names, to refer to their bodies in a way that doesn't trigger dysphoria. Also just wanted to add that reading is great, but each trans person is different, so you can't always assume something is true for all transguys because one transguy happens to feel that way. I guess just remaining open and respectful.

transgendered accomplice... :)
 

It's time for me to ask the stupid question of the week....I am transgendered so I dont know what is "normal" anymore BUT...do butches who are NOT trangendered identify with the word "woman"? .... confused in NJ....lol

Some do and some don't.....depends on each individual.

:)

I have not read the thread, but I have a question...and its likely a stupid one.

How much does being on testosterone change someone as a person. For example can the testosterone make someones reactions way more aggressive than they were before? I am unclear as to how to interact with the Transmen in my life. What is OK and not OK to tell them that used to maybe be ok....?? Like if I am venting and don't need help, just someone to listen...etc.

This may be more of a Soffa question, is there a Soffa thread?

I don't think anything should become not ok when we are communicating with our chosen family and friends. T anything is not some pass to be or act like an assclown...

At least that's how I handle the guys, trans, men in my life..