I also think sexual incompatibility is a big issue. It may not be recognized as such at the beginning when things are fresh and new, but as the novelty wears off it can become a deal breaker.

I haven't read this entire thread as I remember all too clearly the huge arguments that came up in the 80's when discussing this topic.

I ran across this video just a minute ago and thought it appropriate for a thread about Lesbian sex. I apologize if it has already been posted.

It's called Hearts Cracked Open, a film about Lesbian Tantra. Not everyone's cup of tea, but relevant none the less.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?do...9732300321633#

death bed
 

Can't say I ever experienced lesbian bed death. Never heard of it until this thread actually.

Although hetero skewed, this new book has some interesting things to think about just in terms of sex and couple-


Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules- Pamala Haag.

Also, with the new census stats out about "marriage" declining to under 50% in the US- it has some significance.

No, I don't buy all of her hypotheses.

Can't say I've experienced it either, but that's because I haven't been in a long term relationship with a woman. With my former husband-yeah, that part died pretty much from go (gee, I wonder why??). Somehow we managed to have our beautiful children. It was the same with any other relationship with a man.

I'm here to tell you that given a healthy relationship out of bed, and my depression under control, I'm rarin' to go! I think I too would have to date someone with an extremely healthy libido, or else we just wouldn't be compatible in that way. I spent eight years in a sexless marriage, and I'm not wasting any more time, so to speak.

No one's mentioned menopause and its changes and effects on the sex drive, but thus far I haven't noticed much, personally. That's another reason it's so important to take care of ourselves and our bodies as we get into midlife. The day I stop having sex, or feeling sensual with myself, is the day I call it a life.

There is, its called Bed Death.

The whole heterosexual-couple-losing-interest-in-sex is a well known problem, in fact around half of all couples going to see sex counsellor are doing so as one party has lost interest in sex. There are also numerous books out there aimed at heterosexual couples as to how to 'reclaim the spark' and deal with the problem. A few years ago I went to a lecture where a counsellor who specialised in sexual issues claimed that no one yet had found a sure-fire way to treat heterosexual bed death. It's not only women who are to blame, however when men lose their sex drive it's generally considered to be a medical problem.

I had a very similar experience, except my ex gf's libido was originally high and then dropped to nothing. For me it was the last straw, I was unhappy AND I wasn't getting sex. I have had a good relationship end due to LBD as well, as she wouldn't talk about it, wasn't interested in fixing it and didn't seem to care about my frustration. By the time we started having sex again the damage to our relationship was irreparable.

Yes, menopause has an effect on libido. And there are many ways to treat this. It isn't the end of the world. in fact, it can be the start of a whole new sexual adventure. To me, quality out ranks quantity- and always has.

Something that I feel is lacking in this conversation is the role of sensuality (glad you used the term). To be honest, even in the heat and zealousness of my early life over flowing hormone levels, sex without sensuality led to simply not caring for sex with a partner- which is very different than losing my libido. Sexual compatibility is paramount (is for me, anyway).

Disability issues can play a role here, too. Medications as well and some illnesses. Again, there are ways to deal with these things and reach a whole new level of satisfaction as well as desire. Something else that I know we don't like to talk about is the fact that for some, physical changes in a partner can and do impact our sexual desire for them along with the obvious emotional/psychological changes that can occur in a partner. Often, our own guilt about feeling turned-off with some of these changes adds to the stress and tension around our sexual dilemmas. A lover slacking off with personal care and hygiene can put stops on sexual desire. This is just a very complicated area (and highly sensitive)- and I don't think there are quick fixes or simple defining constructs.

The Goddesses only know that demands and stresses of daily life and busy lives has an impact on this, too. This is why setting aside "date nights" or mini-vacations, etc. are important for couples in LTRs.



I am a person that has always enjoyed and desired sex (especially with sensuality involved) at high levels- even post menopausal (although I have felt some change), yet, if the emotional interaction off, I am not going there. This has always been so. It is about the relational fields between myself and a lover. Some people do not operate this way- and this isn't divided along gender lines.

Something I found almost amusing while practicing as a therapist (I did quite a bit of couples work) was that there is a big disparity with how many individuals believe they have a high or very active libido when most fit right into the “norm.” A lot of ego involvement going on and misperception. Most people have no idea of what research bears out concerning libido and that can be hurtful for themselves and their partners.

Just enjoy…. And if something goes amiss, do something about it- together! Hell, just sharing that something is off with your partner and talking about what to do about it, jump starts a lot!!

For me I think after the newness wears off, the way they act and react to daily events has a big impact on how turned on I am. Inconsiderate, or too negative, over-reacting whiny, those are turn offs. It is hard to want intimacy watching someone behaving poorly.

I've been through this a bit, but honestly I try hard to stay out of relationships where she doesn't want sex. I've gotta rediculously extreme sex drive, it's high and wild and always very easily woken. I'm the active volcano, I don't get along well with the dormant one, it just doesn't mesh. Sex is as much a part of a happy relationship as comunication and intimacy, affection and respect, etc etc. I need to be with someone who's sexual desire is as strong as mine, or I can get pretty irritating. lol, so that said now, my bed is pretty much never dead. If we're not sexin we're lovin in another way, I'm an extremely touchy person with a need for affection, I love to cuttle up and kiss and touch and rub and kitzle till we're both fast asleep in each other's arms. That's how I am, that's how I've always been. My vision is as sucky as it could be, so I'm used to touching everything rather than just looking at it. That's why every inch of my skin is 10 times more sensitive to touch, and my sex drive is through the roof.

Lesbian bed death happens a lot though because honestly, it's science. Most (not all) women are naturally sexually passive, meaning that the male initiates sexual activity. It's the animal instinct in us that we must ignore. Take that and add the PMS/overreacting that comes naturally to us gals and you've got death in the bed. Don't kill the messenger, I ain't makin this junk up. I don't like it, but it happens to all of us. Sometimes even I feel like I can't go get some because I'm feeling "weird" that night. It's a girl thing, we don't have the hormones that men have in order to make us just ready all the time. That's a total generalization, and not all women are that way, but this whole forum is general. I don't know all of your sexlives and individual drives, but again, to kill the messenger wouldn't be nice, It would make me oh so sad. Heheh

I bolded the part I'm most curious about. Could you explain what you mean? It sounds like you actually believe that women are wired to be sexually passive and hysterical creatures?

They are wired that way, in a sense, it's all in the science of the body. I read a little about the "gay sheep" comunity and did some research, and the reason that lesbian sheep are nearly nonexistant (or invisible) is because their natural sexual instinct and duty is to stand still when they're ready to mate. There's not many female sheep who would willingly mount another sheep, it happens but it's extremely rare. If you wanna look at it from that point of view, femail animals (including humans) are "wired" to be gotten, not to go get. That's how women were brought up for all of history before, and only recently have we started raising our girls as free as our boys.

Now I'm gonna get away from our natural chemicle reactions and hormones and such because we're humans and unlike sheep, we have minds that work. We "mount" each other all the time, we have healthy and active sexlives, and we're happy and visible. But on some level, our animal instincts as females (in other words: passive sexual mates) kick in. It's all science, I hate science and I'm a rebel in how I don't let that get in the way of my sex drive, that's what a lot of lesbians do.

perhaps that's not their thing
maybe they prefer oral


Thinking about these two sow's I used
to work with who were madly in love and humped each other quite often.
They were forced to breed but would refuse to feed
their babies unless they were together staring lovingly into
each other's eyes.

oh wait
this isnt an animal thread?

I can't begin to count all the ways in which this post is offensive. You state alleged facts about animals as if they have something to do with how women respond sexually, and the things you wrote aren't even facts. Have you been reading 1950s psuedo-science?

I'm going to walk away from this before I start ranting, and leave the reasoning to someone with more patience.

Well, while it is true that many quadrapedal farm animals stand still to mate, many other animals don't. Many females advertise when they are fertile(ever seen a cat in heat?). Humans and bonobos are the only animals that mate "out of season." And it goes on and on...the animal kingdom has a million different permutations on sexing it up.

I still don't understand how women are wired to be "gotten?"

let us not forget horse's and their come hither , impossible to ignore *wink* thing they do

I resisted the sheep jokes
 

Quit horsing around!

I can't even count all the ways this is non-scientific, not evidence-based, sexist, etc. Absolutely ridiculous! In what universe are women naturally passive? Really? At first I thought you were joking until I realized you weren't!
Comparing us to animals? Sheep?!

Lesbian bed-death, I won't comment other than my own prior experience of 19 years with same woman, 18 living together because I have seen no studies on it done with a large, random-sample of lesbians, using a validated instrument for the study. It seems like a lot of generalizations to me. Did we have a hell of a lot more sex at age 29-30 than we did almost 20 years later, of course; for many of the reasons At Last Home stated in her comments. But did our bed die? Hardly!

We always need to be careful of generalizations and a self-fullfilling prophecy!