I have been there. Everyone has...the advice you have gotten so far is good. Being in love with who you thought the person was is far different then being in love with the actual person sometimes.

I was in love with who I thought my ex was. Who she actually was a person who could cheat, lie, break my shit and cause immense amounts of pain to get what she wanted.

Now, as she was doing all these things (after we had been together for 8 years) I was a MESS and in my fog of trying to rationalize what had suddenly become of my life I would make excuses for her. All kinds. She does have a serious mental illness which she chose not to treat. I justified her behavior for a long time. I cried. I had hysterical fits of anger and frustration. And I stayed IN it. I actually held out until SHE walked out the door. It took another two years for me to stop all contact with her.

I told myself all kinds of stuff to justify staying with her. She didn't mean it. It wouldn't happen again. She really loved me she just didn't know how. blah, blah, fucking blah....The truth was - she was an asshole. When you love someone you ACT like it. It's a verb. One person can't sustain a relationship for two people.

The emotional, financial and mental upheaval that I've gone through over her I could have avoided if I had cut off the contact WAY WAY WAY earlier. I didn't. I paid the price. It wasn't necessary.

I am 10,000 times happier without her in my life. I moved on. FINALLY. My life is better, because I actually have one that doesn't revolve around her bullshit drama. I have love now. Things are calm and make sense in a way that they never could with her. My current relationship is easy and LOVING.

Two things that I held on to from all the advice I got "Never make someone a priority that you are just an option to." and "The problem with liars is you never know when they're telling the truth."

I really take offense to you speaking for all alcoholics here. I am a recovering one who is now close to 28 years sober. At worst , my drinking caused me to be flaky and unreliable which was indeed a selfish thing. I was never manipulative or conniving even at my bottom. Huge sweeping generalities of any kind like this I think can be damaging. Sorta like all butch's and femme's are all the same. Hopefully >that< myth has been disproven enough for people to get it by now



Again, I have never taken a hostage nor had a back burner babe just in case person and I was never dependant on getting back in with anyone.
You may have done all those things but please dont speak for the rest of us.


Girl who is heartbroken,
Don't blame it on the drinking.That's a sure way to keep you stuck.
Stop trying to figure it out, just stick with the facts and move on.(f)

Great advice. People can get stuck with trying to "figure it out" (I'm a good one for that), instead of just accepting what it is and doing what you need to do based on that information.

Like snowy said just mourn and move on with your life. You will think back on this situation with new eyes once you get through the thick of it. You will have learned another lesson about yourself, life and certain types of people. I know it's hard when you are there and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel because it just happened but it's there. Swim in your emotions and feel them all, learn what you need to learn and move on to your next life adventure. I wish you lots of strength and clarity.

Everyone has given you great advice, and I wish you well on your journey through heartache. It can be a long, lonely road.

It's so tempting to post all the details about an ex, but this is a very public forum, and you're posting about very private struggles about someone you profess to love. We all do this sometimes, but is it your story to tell? Perhaps you've gotten her permission?

Doors close so better ones open!

Write yourself a letter of what you want and deserve in a partner. Tuck it away somwhere and, in a year's time, read it. Read all the posts here, I bet you will feel much better!

Of course there is raw / real pain right now. Feel it and move on. Let it remind you of how you are NOT going to let anyone else put you in that state of anguish again.

My bests to you!

thank you for reminding me that not all of us are as sick as some of us. I speak from my own perspective then...I appreciate the leveling of humility...

Wow, so much to respond to. But, I will say, first and foremost, that in regards to exposing a few personal details - I know my limits and boundaries, and what I'm trying to do is simply provide enough information so that others can understand and help me to put together some of the pieces... since I keep cutting my fingers open on them, so to speak :)

I appreciate you all taking the time to respond, and for offering me your kind words. It's amazing to me.

I'm an overanalyser, that's one thing for sure... hence, I do over-think it and try to figure it out. It's agonizing to say the least... but I'm working on accepting things as they are, and trying to let go, without giving myself a migraine trying to decipher all the reasons why.

I do believe that, in her own way, she does love me. I just don't believe she's quite capable of showing it, save for those very rare times when she's exposed and vulnerable. She's a good person, deep down, but she's stuck underneath all the wreckage. It's up to her to pull herself out, and whether she does or not is up to her. I just can't keep sacrificing my emotional well-being to be her saviour.

:flowers: :flowers: :flowers: to all.

And, a special thanks to June, for fixing my typo... :D

We've all only stated limits and boundaries due to the fact you've put it out there and asked for our help. It's obvious you are still clouded cause honey there is NO EXCUSE to be an ass hat.

Your ex, is an ass hat and that is NOT love.

I was in no way trying to be... I'm sorry if that is how it seemed.

I was only explaining myself... which I know I'm not very good at :(

I won't say anything more.

*sigh*

No one is trying to silence you. We're all concerned for you, your situation sounds dangerous, I have a kid your age, my heart goes out to you, we are scared for you cause frankly your ex is not stable.

I understand completely, and I appreciate the concern. I'm cutting off all ties with her, so there needs to be no worries. I'm focusing on myself, my family, and school. I'm changing my life. I promised myself that when I turned 24, I would - which includes learning to love myself.

Snow :bouquet: Thank you.

*smiles* thank you Prox, I'm glad you found BFP.

I would say good luck and don't respond to her at all and hopefully you'll get through it.

Of course you feel "broken", proximitywithoutintimacy, you've just been hit with a ton of CRAZY all at once. :blink:

Easy does it, easy does it.

Give yourself time to crawl out from beneath all this CRAZY so you can get your bearings.

Here's a few things you may wish to consider as you do that (and, it's all hers): alcoholism, cutting behavior, insincerity, impulsivity, transient sexual liaisons, drama, attention seeking, bad boundaries, a lack of empathy, cell phone abuse.... (I'm sure you can add to the list if you think about it.)

You may just come out the other side of this situation with a ton of gratitude. I personally think you dodged a bullet.

- Chazz (a substance abuse counselor for 18 years)

Chazz, thank you.

I think it's easier for me to deal because the last several days, I've been contemplating just how crazy and out of her mind this woman is... and I don't need that in my life anymore. I mean the fact is, when she was with me, she was finally building a good relationship with her mom for the first time since she came out, she was going to counseling and getting medication for her disease, going to school... and now, all of that has fallen apart. She's burned all of her bridges, and sunk down into a spiral of self-destruction. I'm not saying, "oh, her life was so much better with me" but rather that I was a good thing in her life, a good person - and people who genuinely care about her are very rare in her life. It's just sad, I guess.

"It's not me, it's you."

^^^ My new phrase... it actually helps a lot, because I know I'm worth so much more, and she's drowning in her sickness... I can't be her saviour anymore, and someday, she'll realise just how much damage she has done and hopefully learn to love herself enough to fix it.

Done rambling, haha... as far as blocking her number goes, she hasn't tried to call lately... though I'm contemplating changing my number. I only wonder about all the phone calls I'd have to make if I do that (dentist, doctors, counselors, school, work, etc. etc.).

Thanks to everyone for being so nice and supportive :flowers: