I just want to say that maybe you misunderstood a lack of shame for a need for attention when it came to those showing visible scars. It may have taken that stranger you saw a very long time and a lot of work to be able to NOT be overly self conscious and hide them. You may someday reach that point where you are ok and able to be open in a way that attention for something negative can bring positive by sharing facts andd info with whomever notices and asks about said scars. I know amazing young girls who speak to an entire auditorium about cutting... but personally I still can't be comfortable with scars that were over 20 years old. I still hid them because I feel like you do about someone noticing or speaking to me randomly about such personal issues. There's no bad or good here.... only growth love and acceptance.

Just some ideas for ya... because long sleeves can't always be an option for hot seasons/climates.... bracelets are not the most fashionable way but when added next to say a watch and/or a leather band... maybe even something like breast cancer awareness bracelets and pride bands so you are doing good while you are ALSO "minimizing the chances of someone noticing and giving you unwanted attention". Back in the day when hippy like jewelry was cool, leather making tools (with designs and letters) were really good for making 1 to 3 inch bands that resembled cuffs. You could make a "punk statement" back then like anarchy symbols or bands' designs... but these days there are many phrases and words that can do a lot of good. Don't know if you could brainstorm something from that and be your "style" to wear.

Also if you use a high sunblock on the whole area, to reduce the tanning around the scars, and then at night use a stretch mark cream you should be able to re-hide the white lines into your skin tone if they are very thin and shallow as you described.

I do that eyelash thing too - never thought anything of it though. I also skin pick and scratch til I bleed sometimes, though I've never talked about it or even thought about it as self-injury.

I have loved 4 cutters (not all romantically). The first time I saw still-red cuts under a sleeve that had crept up too high, it upset me very much and very immediately. But cutting makes sense to me logically even if it's not what I do. It seems in a way like a coping mechanism that must be effective enough to keep a person on this planet. Two of the cutters I've known were handling a lot of personal pain, and the other two had high anxiety. I can't claim to understand it, though like I said, it does make sense to me in my own head.

My other self-harm compulsions have been through the more common (perhaps) routes of overeating, comfort-deprivation, spending money I can't afford to spend, forcing myself into sex I didn't want or that harmed me, staying in or going back to emotionally abusive situations, smoking, drinking, occasionally drugging (not lately), other self-sabotaging behaviors. I went through a bout of intentional purging for maybe 3 months once. It became easily compulsive, just like eating or sex (or hitting refresh on an internet browser), and I found it weirdly satisfying. Looking for privacy, the ritual of it, perfecting my technique, creating a routine, eating with the knowledge that it wouldn't be staying down, keeping this secret, knowing that when somebody told me I looked thinner and told me I was doing a "good job" as though my body were their business, I had this secret evil knowledge that my body was only conforming to their standards because I was *not* taking care of myself - all those things were weirdly satisfying to the point of being kinda fetishy. I was able to stop that though. I didn't discover that stuff until my mid-twenties, and although I would easily get into the pattern again, it just wasn't my main deal.

I take different routes but they all bring some kind of relief. If I manage to cut off one route, another takes its place.

I've been looking lately at trying to really actually heal whatever it is on the inside of me that seems to be the motivating factor. I don't know if I can heal entirely, but I am trying. I am establishing a sense of safety and trust with myself slowly. Part of that is being in a relationship with a person who loves me, whom I love, who also is always safe and supportive for me. Just feeling safe with one person is huge - it helps me feel safer with myself. Then there is my spiritual practice/path. It seems to be making the biggest difference in my life in terms of just making that black hole in me a little less of a big deal, a little less real, a little less of a motivating factor in my life. I don't think it's a thing I can banish entirely, but its grip seems to be loosening and its presence fading as more fulfilling and meaningful things have begun to take up more space in my inner world. I don't know if the skin-picking, scratching or eyelash-pulling will ever fade out, whether I will ever have a healthy relationship with food or whatever, but I am trying to focus on healing the inside stuff more than controlling those compulsions right now. If I start focusing too much on the symptoms, then I don't think I'll be in the right place to heal. The deal for me with the symptoms is - I'm avoiding illegality or behaviors that would seriously destroy the functionality of my life or my relationship, and I'm good with that. If I pick my scalp until it bleeds, who cares? It's such a minor concern for me compared with the other things I could do with these feelings.

Heroes
 

So, in a real relationship for the first time in five years. All this time I have tought "If I can just find someone I will be able to stop." Not so much.
I love her, have known her for 6 years and trust her completely. There is nothing about me she doesn't know.
She doesn't get angry when I SI unless I try to hide it, which is hard for me not to do since I've been hiding it for 10 years, but I'm getting better. Would be nice if I could quit, but I think I would miss it. A lot.

I hit.. It took me by surprise. I'd cut before, that started when I was 16 and the last time was in 2007 I think. My now ex called me a liar and I carved that word into my arm with a razor blade. The hitting, slapping, punching happened violently and unexpectedly when I was under extreme stress and extremely distressed. Talk about beating oneself up...... (Hell yeah I'm in therapy).

I am in therapy too and it seems to be helping. My psychiatrist said to hit myself in the shoulder, not the head if I must hit myself...which makes sense.

Ive been so stressed lately my hair is actually falling out, instead of me pulling it. Creepy. Maybe becasue I pull it so tight ina bun my head hurts.

I have been doing better about hitting myself, onlyonce recently, but I think about it and my eyelashes are grown back.

my shrink [and by shrink i mean psychologist, in south africa, psychiatry is expensive and most of our qualified ones leave the country] said try to open your hands, think of comforting yourself, holding your head instead. i don't have time to think though, it's always out of the bloody blue. *pow* one time, i punched my throat repeatedly. not cool, so not cool. there might be a break of a few months between bouts [lool, bouts like boxing..] or it could be all too frequent.

well done for stopping the eyelashes thing, that's really great.

Thanks for saying that, I'm far more used to peoples' eyes widening in horror...

lol yup.. it's not something people are used to hearing and especially from people like me who look pretty normal... we all have our stuff to deal with.

Normal how? A guy I know told me hit and that he thought it more "manly" than cutting. More of a male response. For me it is fast enraged violence without planning. When I cut, it was always because I *wanted* to cut. I have never, ever wanted to punch myself hard in the head and throat.

I didn't even know this thread existed... :seconddoh:

There are those who think that, I don't understand addiction because I've never had one. The truth is, cutting... can be just as addicting as any drug - especially when one is trying to quit, and the craving can be extremely intense.

I did a number on myself on my 22nd birthday, and I made a promise to myself I never would again... it was almost two years before I gave in again. But, now it's been three months (I think) and I'm going to make another commitment to myself, because quitting for ME is the most important thing.

Thank you for allowing me to share; everyone here is so warm, I feel confident I will not be judged - but rather, accepted.

:praying:

I have replaced it with crying... which, I actually got accused of trying to make people feel guilty. :wtf:

I would rather cry to get it out, than crawl back into the sick comfort of a blade on my skin.

Replace it with music, running, screaming, exercising something that will get you out of that habit space, talk about it!

Mhm, I'm very familiar with TWLOHA ;)