My situation is unusual in that we lived together for two years, then I moved out, and now we have this "commuting" relationship.

I don't consider her eligible to be my domestic partner for reasons I won't go into, but I love her, and she can be a good girlfriend. There is an asymmetry to the arrangement, in that she's the one with the kid, and has no support except for her generous sister who does what she can. So it's easier for me to go out there, than for her to come to my place. Still, I expect her to make me feel special while I'm out there, and to focus on me. If that wanes, I just won't go. I call the shots now.

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

I can. I have. You cant. Ciaran cant. Others may be able to. There is no absolute in this subject.

That's so true! (part I bolded)

What I've been hearing is that people have what they consider optimal ways of falling in love, contexts they trust more than others.

It seems to vary.

I'm afraid all advice is such things will not be heard or forgotten, the heart demands all our attention in such matters

There is no right or wrong way... what works for someone else may or may not work for me. All I know is what I have gone through in the past and how I feel about LDRs. I would never force my opinions on anyone else and I would hope they would not do that to me.

I have fallen for someone before we even met.. the physical part of it.. seeing if we connect in person.. are attracted to each other physically.. have great sex.. etc.. adds to that. I don't deny that I need to know if I connect in person but that does not negate any feelings I may have had before that point. Sometimes it works out.. and sometimes it doesn't.

It is true that many people lie about who they are, what they look like or what they do. That is the unfortunate part about starting online. I think if you pay attention at all, you can see that those things don't add up before you let your feelings get into it... although I know that a lot get hurt because of this very thing. I've had my share of experiences so I guess maybe if someone was new to this "game" they may not realize they are being tricked.

And... If I fall for someone.. I will support them whether or not they are having stress with bills, the queen of england, or work in a circus. Relationships are about give and take. I am not going to stop having feelings for someone because they have stress in their life. I would want them to be supportive of me in the same situations.

Also.. I could meet someone online who looks like a super model in person. We may have great sex but if she can't keep my attention in conversation or make me laugh.. really what good is all that other stuff for long term? That's where the learning about someone through talking whether it be on the phone or skype or email or what have you.. comes in handy.

Not for me
 

I think a LDR can set the ground work for falling in love, but really...how much can you know about the "intangibles" without spending real time together.

I shouldnt even be talking about LDR....mine fell apart. There is no fault or blame, so dont read into anything here. But I am talking about the struggle to keep your eyes wide open.

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

The slow erosion of stress and the tolls of circumstance seem to fade away during a LDR and all of the courting, flirting, talking, exploring that comes with them.

I think LDR's can build a base for exploring future potential, and they work for a lot of people...but I wouldnt do it again. Not for me.

Your experience reiterated above sounds very nasty and hostile. In which thread did you see this attack because I certainly cannot see it here?

Are we meant to be dishonest in how we interact so that we sugar-coat? If so, I certainly won't be involved in such pretense.

If someone asks a question, if I give an answer, it will be an honest one. No ripping apart but don't ask a question if you might not like the answer provided.

Some of us think LDRs work for us. Some think they don't. The only thing I object to is when someone insists that whatever does or doesn't work for her, will have the same impact on someone else.

We don't react the same in all situations.

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.

I'm a big fan of thinking.

It's okay if you pick on me.. I can take it. I have a different opinion of why those LDRs where people fall before they meet don't work. I don't think it's because someone fell for someone but that it is because "we" tend to jump too quickly into wanting to live together, get married, be together forever, whatever. While I believe you can fall for someone ahead of time.. I think what makes it work is continuing to get to know each other, communication, and honesty.

At this point in my life, I have a job where I can work anywhere in the country so I could move to be with someone and while that may happen some day, I am in no rush to do it. If the right person comes along, will I wait two years to move in together? I doubt it unless we are already living within a certain distance where we can see each other regularly. It may or may not work but I'm willing to take a chance if I think it's the right thing for me and the other person involved.

To each their own. I certainly am not going to doom someone because they've known each other for only two months and are moving across country to be with each other. I've seen those types of relationships fail and those types of relationship thrive.

My last LDR turned into a six year live together relationship after about three months of commuting back and forth by plane. I think if we would have communicated better over the years, that may have lasted but hind sight....

It would be interesting to hear from those of you who were in an LDR and are now living together happily. What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

Good questions for ANY relatonship.

I know this held true for me and the last person I lived with.

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

I agree. This can also happen just as easily if someone lived down the street, even if they weren't lying about who they were. You date them for awhile, you fall for them, see how they live, they see how you live, and you move in with each other after an extended courtship. After that, you realize you are not compatible, you can't stand his/her annoying habits and vice versa. How many people wind up in divorce or separate after being together for awhile, moving in finally and realizing they can't get along or that one of the other were lying?? I think it's a lot more than we think.

Bottom line is risks can happen in any situation whether it be LDRs or local dating. It just depends on what types of risks and committments the two or more people who are involved want to take/make to each other.

As one that is in a LDR and has both successful and disastrous LDRs I think and still find that the holidays and birthdays are the hardest time to get through. At least for me they are, with birthdays being the hardest.

When I say successful I am referring to ones that lasted 15+ years and even included moving to fast (in others opinions) and when I say disastrous I am referring to those that lasted more then a couple of years and included moving to slow. I think that with LDRs especially it really does depend on the couple and what they are and are not willing to do to make/keep it working. Also in my experience many LDRs that fail have done so because of others and not the couple. It is a lot easier to fall prey to peer pressure, rumors, and others well meaning interfering then it is when you live done the road from someone. Yet, still even with all my experience can fall prey to the holidays and LDRs that do not make it through them.

Riley and I have been in an LDR for a year now.

THIS is why it is working...

We were friends first. We got to know each other as friends AND during a long weekend together.

When we share time, we do it often and we focus on each other.

We recognize the value of our time together and we both treat it for the commodity it is.

We spend long weekends together often (at least monthly).

We have dedicated time together-everyday, without fail.

We share a similar system of beliefs, ethics, morals.

Riley is not a jealous person; he understands that I have obligations here to my community and he supports them. I do not let any community activity here get in the way of what we share. We still talk every night before he goes to bed, then I finish what I have to do and call him back for the drive home. He always makes sure I get home safely before he really sleeps for the night. Additionally, I do not take advantage of that and leave hours earlier than I once did.


THIS is why it is an LDR...

Riley is completing college. He has no desire to remain in his area and jobs in his field are not available in mine. There is no need for either of us to move at this time. Why uproot me and the kids from our home only to have to move again once he finds a job?

Riley treats me better than anyone else ever has. To find someone who obviously loves to the point that my children notice it means a lot.

I am simply unwilling to NOT have him just because he is four hours away. I do not see the distance as a burden-rather a blessing that it was close enough for us to find each other.

My final thoughts...
You get out of anything what you put into it. LDR or not.

:sparklyheart:

Consider this :
 

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

If I may say...I see it as adding love not lonely. I think that the two people have to work together to keep all of their friends and family regardless of where they are located. Visit them often, have them visit you, cards, letters, so many ways to keep the contact and closeness and be supportive. No one should give up any of their friends or family they should be included. Just my thoughts on this.

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

You're welcome Boots!! Still sticking to my thoughts on this as it can be more than four times a year and really depends on the two people involved. If cared for I do believe there can be wonderful things from this but not all the time as in all relationships. I am sorry about what happened for you.

This is the most thoughtful thing I've ever read in my life (and I'm not prone to exaggeration!).

I moved from Brooklyn to Long Island to live with someone, and one of the reasons I moved back to Brooklyn, after a couple years, was her unconsciousness of, or disregard for the sense of isolation it caused me, even though I was only about an hour out of the City.

I was terribly lonely; she doesn't have friends out there and for reasons I don't want to share, I gave up trying to be part of the twice-weekly gatherings with her family.

Now that I've returned to Brooklyn, we are back to being just "girlfriends," in what feels like an LDR to me, but probably wouldn't qualify as such to people on this site who've had to use airplanes to get to each other.

So far, it's just what I've been yearning for. We've had more dates, more conversations—she calls me every night, and isn't in a hurry; we talk for up to an hour—than in my whole last year living in her house. To me, a good LDR is way better than a painful live-in relationship, and I just don't feel the compelling need to share a home with someone, that I used to have.

But in getting back to my original point, your awareness of how hard it was for your partner to relocate to Your World, really touched me. I hope you find someone soon, in your town, to be with.

Boots,
first off , I am so sorry for the both of you (I was rooting hard for you two)
secondly , what a compassionate person you are to see all that
happening in another human being
you literally just told part of my story but with more class than I could likely ever muster

I believe there are free spirit kind of people who can move around
and adapt easily and there are other people who cant so easily
I am a part of the cant so easily club and know that now

one more time
hell of a classy post

edit.
what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person who is a fish out of water, floundering and shit

Dude, thank you for your response. I couldnt (wouldnt?) have left because of my career, but I cant imagine I could have done what you did or what any number of people have done with the grace or confidence that I've seen, that is to move for the promise of a future with the one you love.
The bravest people I know are people who have upended their lives for the promise of love and a future together.

You have my admiration for having tried, as several people here that I know have done.
I understand the courage it takes to do this, I' ve seen it...

the two times I moved across the united states to couple with someone, both times the people did not have the awareness of what I was going thru, like Boots talked about.

It takes a very mature and non egocentric person to understand that just because someone is in a relationship with them, the other per son's world doesn't revolve solely around just them.

and sometimes after doing and LDR, by the time you move intogether, it can FEEL that way, because you organize your time around each other's schedule to talk on the internet, the phone, skype, etc whenever possible to compensate for not being able to be there in person.

BB's and my relationship was an LDR for the first year (nothing terrible, NY / Boston). I remember lots of exciting phone sex and lots of long bus rides on the Fung Wah line that runs all day and night back and forth between NYC and Boston. In fact I was on the Fung Wah when BB called me and told me a year into our relationship that hy'd just been contacted by a head hunter for an incredible job in NYC. Receiving that phone call was even more exciting than the phone sex :D. Wow, I was so ready for BB to move in!

Of course BB was in a much scarier position than me: having to uproot hymself from somewhere hy'd lived for the last 20 years and all that goes with that. On the first day hy moved in instead of being stressed we were laughing through all the stress of the move (not to mention I lived in a 4th floor walk-up), and I recall thinking that was a good sign. We still make each other crack up even when things in life are hard.

Over the years, BB felt the discomfort of having moved into my space. However, I was adamant that we must stay because the bldg was rent stabilized (any NYer will understand my sentiments!). Then when an extended construction on the bldg took place (as in years of the bldg flooding and the ceiling falling in, etc.), BB broke down in tears and said hy was not breaking up but that he was going to move out whether I did or not. Hy went around, looking at 10 apartments a day, and finally found one that was perfect for us, smaller but so much more stable than our current situation. Of course I went with hym and ended up much happier than I'd been in the old apt. I think this was a real positive step in our relationship because this new space was neutral territory, and we planned it out together. It was no longer hym in my space but us in our space. It only made our relationship stronger.

All things concidered it is exciting and scary.With the 25 hours between us it has forced us to talk.We know each others fears and triggers.Is it enough??Probly not.We are both willing to put some time in this and find out if it is going to be forever.The twist to this is we are both willing to move and start over in a place that is not fimilar to either of us.Will this draw us closer together or push us apart?Guess that is the chance we are going to take.The phone calls are great and the words are worth waiting for.We started skyping and i am learning that is only going to happen if one of us has make-up on.

Jenn, I have to say, that having an "our" space instead of a "my" space is a damn good idea for any kind of couple. Even tho chrissy and I are not in an LDR, and he is living with me in my space, *I* feel that tug of "my" space.

but because this is a thread about LDRs, let me continue in that vein of thought...

At times, I hated living with the butches I moved across the states for. It was "their" home, not mine or ours. I didnt have much of a say in how to decorate. Or where the spices went in the kitchen cupboards. I had to have "permission" to make changes.


Having a new space, where no one has historic roots or sentimental memories attached, might help a relationship stabilize faster or better. However, if the relationship isnt meant to work, I doubt ANY environment would make it work.

My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course.

What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right?

It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch.

Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of.

But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype.

In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended).

LDR
 

So, hi. First time I've posted heh

I'm in a LDR, and have been on almost a year now. We met in person in January of this year, and have seen each other every other weekend since then. Summer is great because she's a teacher and can come visit for longer periods.

What works for us is:

1. Schedule. We both know when the other will always call, and we always know the next time we will see each other in person.
2. Date Night. Every Wednesday, no matter what is happening we spend the evening on FaceTime.
3. Patience. We know when we'll be together 7/14 and we work towards that time. I can't imagine doing this with a nebulous we'll be together some day thought.
4. Trust. We are both so blessed that our love for eachother has no room for doubts. We did in the beginning, and worked through them together. Thankfully our doubts were just based on not believing we actually found someone - not trust issues as in jealousy/cheating business.

We want to uhaul, good grief do we. I'm not exactly a spring chicken (she's younger than I am by 10 years but what can I say she's one sexy butch) and we both have responsibilities. We want to make sure our sh!t is straight before we combine our lives.

Others have spoken of the challenge of once you do move in from a LDR, and I read those posts the most eagerly. We got this distance thing down, but I think I'd be foolish to not realize we'll have other challenges once she's here.

Marla

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.