Exactly.....

Might sound silly but my past relationships taught me how to love; both myself and another. Deep thoughts for a girl under the covers with her kindle :heartbeat:

Despite how miserable we were together, we each deserve our own happiness.

Just because someone treated you one way, whether good or bad, does not mean the next person will, so do not hold them to standards they don't know exist, and don't blame them for someone else's faults.

I learned erasing handles and making a new e-mail and a new handle help put a lot of the past behind you, instead of constantly being bombarded with it - especially helpful if you hold grudges/were very invested, and have trouble being civil to them LOL

*You can learn a lot about your love interest in the first hour of the first date. If you're out for a meal, pay attention to how they treat the waitstaff.

*Don't shackle yourself to someone who doesn't make you laugh, and definitely, 100% not with anyone who makes you cry.

*If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Don't make excuses or second-guess yourself.

*You attract what you think you deserve, even unconsciously. The healthier you are, the better partner you will be, and you will attract healthier people.

*Accept the other person as they are that very moment. They're going to change over a years-long relationship, sure, but not on your schedule and not always the changes you want.

*Don't get into a relationship for the wrong reasons (which is just about everything except that you are full of love and health and want to share that with a special person). That includes pressure, horniness, guilt, or even boredom with your life. BTDT, all of them.

*A relationship doesn't always end because the love ends. Love can't fix everything.

ignoring my gut
 

I learned what it felt like to ignore my gut instinct.

I learned how to compromise myself.

I learned how to be afraid.

My true nature is one of positivity, and with that, I know so much more of who I am now, I know that I may not compromise my core, because it is beautiful and true, I know how very strong I am and I will go down fighting to protect myself, my self preservation is intact. And I know to trust that inner voice.

and the crazy thing, I miss the good parts, I miss the potential of what might have been...old fashioned Catch-22

such a great point. sometimes you arent on the same page or right enough with yourself to be right enough with someone else even if you do love them.

there's always something good in you and in the person you love even when there's something not working in your behavior choices. i learned that self-respect and having loved one another for so long means you can find a few small ways to be kind to one another during a breakup. there's nothing more representative of honest love than watching the person you broke up with try to be sweet to you or watching them struggle to respect your decision. there's a lot to admire in someone when you're breaking up with them and they still find ways to love you while helping to dismantle the world you made together. i learned that i never stopped wanting the best for them and always wished there was a way i could have said "i'm still on your side". even now, when i have small victories or do things that i couldnt have done in the past, i wonder if they would be proud of me because i really always wanted them to be proud of me.

This really touched my heart Nomad. It's so sweet but also kind of sad....but I know exactly what you mean.

that all the amount of words are nothing... unless they area shown also...

Never, ever go back.

Some things I have learned from past relationships...

Patience.
To be true to myself.
Pay attention to the Red Flags in the beginning.
Be open to what can happen.
Compromise.
How to live well with others.
How important it is to be heard.
If it feels right do it, if it doesn't then don't.
Sex is way too important, not a place I am willing to compromise, sexual compatibility is a must.
Don't marry a gay man when you are in love with a woman.
Life always moves forward.
And most importantly... To Love fully, no matter how much it might hurt when they are gone.

Some things I learned
 

I leanred a lot from past relationships and yes it's true not all lessons in life are learned the easy way.

I am worth a whole lot more than I let myself settle for in the past.
I am a heck of a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be.
To really listen in the beginning if they are a good match you will know.
To see the relationship for what it is not what I hoped it would be.
Never stay because you feel obligated to.
That through all the hurt and pain, I still wish the other person happiness.
When your intincts say something isn't right listen.

I am sure I learned a lot more but these are some important ones for me.

I learned that break ups bring out the worst but also the best in people.

When N and I broke up we had a house and an apartment and ten years of shared stuff. There was not one moment of haggling or fighting over assets. It went like this:

You take it. You always loved that thing.
No, you take it. It meant so much to you.

I spackled the holes in the wall from framed prints I removed, and touched up the paint, then moved furniture around so it wouldn't look so empty. She mailed me a huge box of Christmas presents, because she knew I was alone that first year, in another state.

We might not have been in love, but we trusted each other. That's what got us through the divorce.

From other breakups, I've learned:

If it isn't real, the pain will disappear fast.
If it is real, if there is love, it might take longer to get over, but the lessons will be deeper.

Honestly though, I'm a slow learner in all things, especially those involving my heart.

I've learned that I am very different from who I thought I was.

I've learned that I don't have it in me to be everything for someone. I get overvigilant and weird.

I've learned that expectations just ask for dissapointment.

I've learned that Thanksgiving alone is not so bad, especially when you are allergic to turkey.

I've learned that sleeping with someone can often take away objectivity. For ever.

i learned if coming home to no furniture happens...don't believe em when they say they ordered new stuff. verify verify verify!!!

I guess that's the ultimate lesson.

I think we live longer when we love other people, too.

:) Yes, I believe so. I don't know about living longer. LoL. I have never wanted to be the one left behind and when my health goes I hope to go quickly instead of lingering on. But, definitely happier while alive. When our hearts are full of love there is less room for anger, for sure. Although, I do stay angry about worldly issues. ;)

Most important was to value myself a little more and know my needs and wants are equally as important in the relationship....

To not have the expectation that they can read my mind and know what I am thinking no matter how many years we have lived together......

To keep the value of friendship, take the time out to visit them, have that girls weekend away, or just a girls night out so they never feel lost in the transition of my relationships......

To let the past go and not bring it into my today so my future partner will never feel that they are like them or simply not good enough as the last......

To never go to bed on an argument always let them know they are loved as it might be the last night you sleep in the same bed together....

To not focus on those small nitty gritty annoying things that are in the end not that important....

To say I am sorry when I know I was wrong without putting up my walls......

And to not rush love, if it's meant to be it will happen naturally without forcing it......

perspective
 

My perspective...when that changes...I am in trouble. Im learning to control my outlook with what comes up. It becomes a filter. Can groove with anything if ya got a good perspective

Lessons learned...Many

Listen to your intuition

Never settle

Once a liar always a liar

Did I mention never settle?

How true! Thank you so much for saying this...

It took me until (checking my watch)...right NOW to fully understand this. I have loved with all my heart several times in my life before finding Arcstriker...and it wasn't until I was fully okay with my whole life that I realized that I chose those that I loved because they had extraordinary qualities that meant something both deep and rich to my soul and being.

In the end, true happiness for me has meant accepting that though love may have died it didn't minimize its pure existence in my life in some suspended place of animation. In the final analysis, as I look back on every person I ever proclaimed love for, I wish them all the best, and I wish them all as much peace and happiness as I have found.

Some important things I've learned:

Once a liar, always a liar.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Second chances are for the bird. Why mess with broken glass?
Don't let past relationships control how you act in future ones.
Let go of the past. Otherwise, it can choke you.
Let go of the bitterness. Simply move on.
Don't say "well so n so did it this way".
Never let someone walk all over you.
If there is nothing good about a single ex... know the same will hold true for you.
Watch out for explosive tempers. Being on "T" isn't an excuse.
Mental/emotional/verbal abuse is just as painful as physical.
If they hit you once, they WILL hit you again (and I'm not talking BDSM wise).
Don't become something you aren't.

And see, I have a very different take on the "once a ____, always a _____" because I do believe people can change. :)

I think that people sometimes get caught up in their own junk and keep repeating patterns but I do think that people can also have an epiphany and say to themselves "Wow, I don't want to live my life this way anymore".

I'm certainly one of those people.

While it takes a lot of work to break patterns and make changes, it *is* possible. I think it's hard to accept sometimes because there are a lot of folks in this world who make it to their 50's and 60's and still don't know how to tell the truth or live authentically. And somehow, folks who want to keep lying to people or deceiving them or hustling them are always the ones at the end of the day sitting around going, "I dont know why my life is in shambles" or "I dont know why *everyone* is out to get me!!".

That's really sad to me.

The positive is that people who really want to change, can. I'm a fan of "Watch how I live" in this case. You can tell me all day long that you are "changed" but until I see you actually *being* changed, I'll keep my distance!

Unfortunately...
 

I finaly learned to listen to my inner red flag warning,once I use to think I was being just over cautious,not any more.I will try not to make snap judgements but it the RFW(red flag warning ) pops up I back away and give them space.Corse I have been wrong a time or two cause that were going thrue something at the time but for the most part I fine the RFW is right on.

not to make her my priority when im only an option
not to take to heart things said during a beak up .. but do analize them. if its something that has been said before maybe consider changing that habit.
when my relationship is on the rocks maybe its time to put my friends aside and focus on our problems. my friends will be ok with out me for now.
not to take advice from others about my relationship.(they dont know just how things are)
dont toss up someones past actions,lifestyle,or words every time there a heated discusion.
never club lovers into a catgory like your the same as every other butch/femme ive knowen.
never think you better or worse then anyone.. we are all equil.
we have all done things wrong in the past and the past needs to stay the past an not used as a tool to get one up on the other.
win lovers fight there is no right wrong or winner.

I'm with Medusa in that I believe people can change....

I also believe that people don't ever really change for another person...they change only because they really want to, and are willing to do some seriously hard work.

For me it boils down to "actions speak louder than words" and this...

http://bitsofwisdom.org/wp-content/u...ationship2.jpg

I've been in relationships that nurtured all the worst parts of me....jealous, angry, insecure, resentful, exhausted and pissy....and relationships that nurtured the best parts of me....caring, providing, nurturing, protecting and loving.

At this point in my life I don't know if that's because the first were crappo people while the latter were good....or if every relationship is a mirror, and what is reflected varies as each highlights different parts of who and what is already inside me.

I'm far from perfect...and I don't expect perfection in a partner either.

What I do insist on is that the person I'm with be fundamentally kind, always honest with me, and that the parts of me that reflect in that relationship mirror are those of my better self, and not my worst. If someone brings out the worst in me, then I need to go.

Afue years ago I was in a relationship with someone I really thought knew as we had ran in the same circles for years.First it started off as a working /friendship thing..I know sounds corney but that is what it was.The first two years were all I ever wanted to have..untill one day I saw something that made me do a double take.I wasnt shure what I herd or saw was really what was there so I ignored it,then it happened again,and again.I understand not jumping to conclusions or over analiseing things but when it came to compramiseing my core values by jusy being silent it became a stick in my craw bad.I did voice my thoughts in private with her but it only got worse.I hung in things but over and over it became worse in time till it only took a look or touch or deed to shut me away finaly to walk out on it all.No joke I lost the relationship by my own choseing only to end up loseing the work I had chosen for my life work with anamals(horses)..I sold my own personal horses to keep them safe from harm a long way from hear.Yes,she paid her own price way deeper than mine over time.This broke me in ways I never knew till I started therapy a fue months ago.The things that have come out in the sessions surprise even me,I lost the ablity to trust someone back in my life..I put a wall up of steel to protect me,im only now realiseing how high the wall is or how far it will come down.

OMG I was just thinking about this last night and today. I'm doing a lot of soul searching these days. Its like a whole new leg of the journey where I evaluate things and see whats really important. Of course you look back on what worked and what didn't.

The most important thing I learned was to take my time. To look closely and not base my relationships on sex or to fill voids within me. No person can fix you. I've learned to ask a lot of questions and to be careful but at the same time not get all crazy and fearful. I learned to have fun, go slow and if its meant to be it will be. I can't force it.

People can change! one thing i have learned since Katrina is not to sweat the small stuff and to pick my battles.

Another thing is that circumstances change. Like if i had my overbearing mother living with me, was fighting an addiction and
my housing and finances are not stable it's probably not a good time to move
someone in. I always thought love could fix all but even the best love struggles
under outside stress.

Getting settled and grounded before inviting someone
in is only fair to everyone.