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I am so glad and proud of you for keeping your son! I know her parents put pressure on her to give me up and also sent her to a home in Oklahoma City to have me. She said it was run by Methodist "nuns"? (I guess nun-like women?) I know it had to be terrible. I know I am holding anger like a little kid over this, I just have never even really thought to deal with it, I always had more pressing issues (like my insane Father). Now that he is gone, maybe I can get all this behind me. Quote:
It is hard for me to see that they gave me away out of love, becasue of the incredibly abusive situation I ended up in, but I am working on it and hearing from people like you and Christie really is helping. Thank you both! |
YES soooooo much hypocrisy :) And yes sooooo glad for the travels and experiences I had. Its part of why I am who I am today. I've seen things few people in U.S. Ever do... As I'm sure so have you :)
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I am guessing you speak English and Spanish fluently? There are good parts, but just always this feeling of not belonging anywhere. Always on the outside, always the new kid. |
Honestly, to me, giving away your kids because you can't take care of them properly IS NOT love of any form, it's called being stupid and selfish. I am grateful I am here but at times no due to the amount of anger that boils in my bones about the reasons why so many birthparents do what they do.
It kinda goes back to the post where I said some people need to be sterilized and castrated, both my birth parents should have had this happen, than maybe myself and my siblings wouldn't be so fucked up like we are. I hold alot of resentment and animosity towards my birth mother and some to my father, if you don't wanna be a parent don't be a fucktard, wear a rubber or use some form of protection. IMO closed adoptions have done more harm than good. |
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I think a more open scenario where the child knows where they come from and has some sense of heritage is best. Those of us from closed adoptions have no clue what our past is, no sense of clan, or familial ties. I get that in 1963 things were bad for women, but when I finally did meet her she told me her parents said she had to give me up if she wanted to go to the prom. They she married someone else shortly after and had 2 kids. She has a master's degree. In my case it was a convenience thing, not a survival thing. I do know that still the rhetoric is that to say that parents gave us up out of love and should be happy and thankful and beholden for being adopted out of misery. I have heard it all my life. I think I am angry at society in general for believing that children are disposable and will forget and can be given away when they are at their most defenceless to who knows what. Having sex is a natural thing, and I wish I lived in a world where children are treasured and not looked down on for being illegitimate. Its just insane to me that this is how society works. |
[QUOTE=apocalipstic;22864]I think a more open scenario where the child knows where they come from and has some sense of heritage is best.
Those of us from closed adoptions have no clue what our past is, no sense of clan, or familial ties. I get that in 1963 things were bad for women, but when I finally did meet her she told me her parents said she had to give me up if she wanted to go to the prom. They she married someone else shortly after and had 2 kids. She has a master's degree. In my case it was a convenience thing, not a survival thing. I do know that still the rhetoric is that to say that parents gave us up out of love and should be happy and thankful and beholden for being adopted out of misery. I have heard it all my life. I think I am angry at society in general for believing that children are disposable and will forget and can be given away when they are at their most defenceless to who knows what. Having sex is a natural thing, and I wish I lived in a world where children are treasured and not looked down on for being illegitimate. Its just insane to me that this is how society works.[/QUOTE] |
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That too is a thorn in my side, thinking kids are disposable as well as animals. Society sucks and always has |
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It makes me furious that when someone is pregnant STILL, the answer people give is ohh don't have an abortion, have the baby and put it up for adoption. People need to know that they are placing a defenceless child in danger. Yes, some babies end up in good homes, but so many end up on death row or commit suicide, or even kill their adoptive parents. Is it worth it? Use birth control. |
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I recall a story about an adoptive girl who killed her adopted mother over a boyfriend at school. WTF. People should think with their heads when it comes to having kids, why do you think I have never had kids? |
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I never really wanted to have kids either. I read that a huge percentage of people who kill both parents are adopted. They don't want parents looking to adopt to know this stuff. |
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I never had kids because I am not fond of children, granted I love my nieces and nephews but to send them home all spoiled and have my siblings mad at me is way better than having one of my own on my coat tails 24/7. Yes there is a big percentage of adopted people who are killers, etc. I think Superfemme posted about that on another page. |
My son john was removed from his birth parents when he was 11 months old...for severe neglect and abuse...he weighed less at 11 months of age then when he was born....
He was hsopitalized then placed in a foster home......with 11 other children...when he turned 2 he was still very sickly and a doctor thought...he would test him for HIV....sure enough he was positive.... he was then removed from the foster home and placed with me for adoption. at the age of 2 3/4.. at the age of 7 he died.... I had the opportunity to meet john's birth parents at the funeral home.....(I had asked my adoption agency to notify the birth parents that he had died and said they could come to the funeral home if they desired..they were both incarcerated..so special arrangements were made and i decided i wanted to meet these horrible horrendous people..that gave john AIDs, that abused him,,,that starved him..did all those things...that ended up resulting in his very premature death.... I was not exactly sure what I was going to do when i saw them...prison guards and police there or not...in my mind i planned on ripping them to shreds....verbally, physically and shaking them till i got a answer out of them that explained WHY.....How...WHY...and after i got the answers i figured i would just rip them from limb to limb .... Well in walked two tiny frail people,with handcuffs on...,who were very scared..who were both obviously not well, the guards etc allowed them to come into the room where john's body casket was...and gave us some privacy... these two people who i hated, despised desired to just rip apart with my bare hands were in the same room as i... they looked at me...i motioned ot them the direction of johns casket and they walked over knelt down and with handcuffs blessed themselves and viewed their birth child..... spent a few moments and then his birth mom came over to me and said... "Im sorry your son died." I was a bit taken back by the comment...the birth father came over and said the same thing. then the three of us sat down and talked. for a while... i did not kill them i did not beat them and after that day i could not hate them... There are some things that will never have answers.....because the people involved truly do not know the answers....no I did not ask them Why did u abuse him.....and neither fo them offered an explanation because is there any explanation other then SICKNESS ....that would explain it.... There is nothing an 11 month old child could do to deserve abuse, starvation....so there is no answer why......other than sickness..not physcical sickness but severe emotional illness.. I did forgive them I also thank them because yes I thanked them.... due to their carelessness and unhealthy habits they contracted a disease that was passed on to john in utero.... yes they did a horrible thing from the time he was born until he was 11 months old..... But, in selfishness I must say..Thank You....my life was changed by the fact that he came into my life. My life was touched in such a remarkable way by those almost 5 years that he lived on this earth and called me mom. My heart became fuller and I shall never forget or stop missing my son john... did his birth parents love him....yes...they did....could they care for themselves or him NO they could not... were they capable of caring for themselves or him when he was removed..no they were not... it was not because they had aids it is and was because they were SICK...they had numerous sicknesses AIDS was the least of them; they had the sickness of addiciton, the sickness of emotinal instability, the sickeness of poverty, the sickeness of inability to disern right from wrong...the sickness of the inability to control their own behavior.... Those things require a great deal of medical attention...and those sicknesses do not allow one to be capable of caring for a baby or a child. See where everyone gets hung up is on the " love" isuue. love exists..it is the sicknesses that clouds the love from being seen. When you say a woman takes the "easy" way out when a child is placed for adoption....if that is how you convince yourself and contend with the anger you have regarding your birth parent. It is ok to be angry at them for...choosing to give you life..... but please remember you deserve to be alive! It is ok to be angry at them for abusing you,.... but please remember you deserved and still deserve to be free of abuse. It is ok to be angry at them cause you question their love... but please remember you deserved and do deserve to be loved. it is ok to feel anyway you need to feel and do feel... but please remember you deserve the right not to use that as an excuse to not be the best person you can possibly be! |
I get being angry at how society sees children as disposable... I think as a whole we tend to see most things as disposable... everything from kleenex to relationships.
I understand how comfortable it can be to live with that anger just below the surface, as your driving force. I know how scary it is to start to let go of that anger and learn to live without it. Its easy to start the process and then slip back into the anger. I spent many, many years of my son's early life being angry at his father for his lack of parenting... emotionally, or financially. My bio sister's husband made a very profound statement to me once while I was visiting them in Memphis. My sister was in a complete tailspin about Bratboy's father and we were like two vultures picking at the remains of his character. Fueled by Jim Beam, we had been feasting on the anger for hours. This very humble man from Mississippi who is as quiet as can be looked at us when we paused to take a breath and said, "Do ya'll think that S (my son's father) really gives a shit that you are angry? Do you think he is losing sleep over it? Do you think he has just spent the last two hours wailing about how sorry he is you are angry?" Fuck. At that moment, I KNEW just how right my dear brotherinlaw was... S didn't give a shit... the only person I was affecting was ME by carrying all that bitterness around. I was the one losing sleep and shooting my BP up... I'm not saying that anyone is wrong in their anger. Its a perfectly valid feeling and each person has the absolute right to feel that way. What I am saying is that usually the person/persons we are angry at could give less than a shit that we are angry... WE are the only ones who care... I once heard someone say, "Its not a fear of failure that keeps us from trying... its the fear of success." I think that's pretty smart. I've never been afraid to fail... but what the hell do I do after I succeed?? I think its a whole lot easier to be angry and negative than to make peace with something this profound and to move forward, positive, hopeful and into the light. For me, I'd rather risk success. I'd rather not participate in what I call nonconsensual energy exchange... I'd rather impose my sometimes annoying positive demeanor on someone than to draw them into the negativity they've not asked for... Christie |
I am actually pretty successful and really did not realize I was upset about this until last week. :)
So I am not really wallowing in my anger nor ignoring my life. I have a great life...however, my great life involves PTSD and some other health issues that are tied to early trauma when I was too young to make decisions for myself. I know no one gives a shit about my pain really (or anyone else's). I totally get that. Would it be better if I did not discuss here? Is it drawing people into a subject best left alone? But then its back to secrets and lies. |
Jen - I hope you dont think that I was saying that this isnt a place to discuss this or any other issue one might have... You mentioned that I seemed centered around my adoption issues and I was just putting out there what my experiences to this point have been in coming to that centered place.
Its a LOT of work... hard... and I would hope that you know that I am not dismissing nor trivializing your pain. If anything, I would rather wrap you in a hug and tell you that I understand just how deep the hurt is... just how dumbfounding it can be to try and understand how birth parents could inflict this pain and then carry on with their lives as if they never gave us another thought. Please don't stop posting on this thread. Jess was just telling me last night how touching its been for hym to read my experiences here - we've never really spoken in detail about my being adopted... it just never really came up. I've probably been more personal about very intimate details of that part of me here than I ever have on any other thread. For the first time, it didnt feel too vulnerable to put details of all that compile Christie out there to the general virtual public. I think that if we can find some sliver of something that resonates with us from sharing our experiences, its worth it... I'm sorry that my words weren't taken as I had intended. It certainly wasn't my intent to silence you. Christie |
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I think my Dad's death has me thinking about all sorts of things I have pushed down over the years. I was focusing on work and life and just did not have time of desire to dig all this up. Now it's affecting my health so I need to take care of it. I totally get what you and Dean are saying about not making excuses for myself beacsue this happened, and I don't. I do think that things ignored weigh on our health and it's good to process it. Thank you so much for sharing what you have and everyone else for sharing what they have too. I remember before I met my bio-parents I looked at people when I walked down the street and wondered "is she my mother?", kind of like in that DR. Seuss book. Now I have met her and though I wish she had been sorry I have to look at the situation she was in. I was still a total kid when I was 17 and have no idea what I woud have done if I had been pregnant. I was frightened to death of my father, and would have done anything to keep him from finding out. Luckily I am not into sleeping with men. :) I know it is really easy for me to say that I would not put a kid up for adoption. It is pretty damn unlikely that I would have ever gotten pregant. laugh. (picturing really corroded star in the East) Our society is so incredibly judgemental, it really freaks me out. |
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Actually I dont speak Spanish fluently. I understand some. :) Just dont speak it. We had to let the missionaries talk to the people. Weird. I know. As far as having kids. Ya know, I never have wanted to have them. And in dating it sooo hard to find a girly girl who doesnt want them either. Oh well. I know there has still gotta be a single femme out there who doesnt want them :) |
I never got a chance to ask my mom when she was living why my brother and I were adopted together. I know what my grandmother told me before she passed. She said that my mom was in an abusive relationship with my father and agreed to have her rights taken away with my father's if my brother and I could be adopted. Neither set of grandparents would raise us. So we were adopted together. I know we lived in foster homes together for years and came across the couple who were the ones to introduce us to our adopted parents.
I loved those people like they were my parents. Growing up I was refused contact with them. We saw them once in a while years would go by. When I was 18 and I moved up here to meet my real parents the original foster parents played a role in it. It was very emotional. My father is still the same piece of shit he was when I was little. However my mom and I developed a really close relationship. While my brother was still living at home with my adopted parents he wasnt allowed to see me or talk to me. Since I was told I was never welcome. He wasnt allowed to have any contact with me while he was under their roof. It tore me up. He and I were really close growing up. I watched my biological mom cry on a daily basis because she felt she made a mistake. One she could never take back. I know she used to say when she had gotten her life together soon after we were adopted she became a cop because she wanted to search for my brother and I and find us and kidnap us back LOL and no one would have ever found us. I watched her emotional agony and never really understood how much she hurt over that. I know that the day we were taken away finally by the state she was in the kitchen with her mom my grandmother who had a brain anurism and died instantly. I have always admired her strength. To lose your kids and your mom in the same day. Most people would be locked away for the rest of their lives. My mom has said she kicked in survival mode at that point. She left my abusive father was a cop and the last few years of her life owned her own beauty salon. I know in her heart she felt she didnt do the right thing giving up custody. She always would say if she had to do it again. She'd left my father and done whatever it took to raise a family. Up until the day she died she apologized to me she felt she couldnt forgive herself. I was young enough that growing up I didnt remember her and as I explained before the only time I heard about her was to be told I would amount to nothing but trash like her. When I met her it was hard on us at first. We didnt have a relationship. We fought and argued and I blamed her for all the abuse I encountered daily with the adopted parents. It wasnt until close to her death that we obtained a really close relationship. And it was an ex that helped me do it. I guess the thing that I have never really understood is how I still feel close to the foster parents that I had before I was adopted. My name sake. We are building a close relationship and recently came out to them and they were accepting. And they have the pics of me when I was little. And laugh and tell me about things that I did. Just like a mom or dad would. What a difference 30 years makes. I dont feel sorry for myself because of all I had to endure. It has made me the person I am today and the better person I will be in the future. |
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On the topic of good and bad genes...
anyone think they got the bad genes? |
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Hon, when a person is hurting like all hell every little thing makes it worse, and it's so easy to believe that people are telling one to just go away... but then, maybe that's an echo of the first "go away"? I think it would probably be impossible to believe that a birth parent had one's best interests at heart if the adoptive parents turn out to be abusive. I know it seems like the world's biggest injustice. I know that a prom seems totally insignificant compared to a lifetime of torture... ...and I remember the 1960s....when a man owned--literally, like a car or a house--a man owned his daughter and her body in the US. Permission to go to the prom might have been a reward for your mother's compliance, Jen, but you would have been given up no matter what, because your mother had no legal rights whatever and would have had none no matter what age she might have been. A woman was her father's legal property, or that of his male heir, until she married and became her husband's legal property. Your mother had no choice, Jen, even though it sounded to you like she did. She had no choice. It was a completely different world. She might today mention the prom casually as if it were important, but back then girls knew when they did and didn't have a choice. The prom was a sop, something to pacify her so he didn't have to endure her grief and pain. (The strength of the Women's Libbers to endure society's rage in the 1960s just blows me away... I don't know that I could have been that strong. I do know that they wouldn't recognize this world which is our legacy from them, except as it lived in their hearts: that no woman should be the property of anyone but herself. Goddess, how the world has changed!) So Jen, I understand that you have been doubly betrayed--but I believe it was your grandfather who betrayed you the first time, not your mother. For what it's worth, darlin, I understand about your father's death finally letting you be free enough to deal with this buried pain. I'm sure it caught you completely off guard--things coming up after someone dies have caught me off guard too *wry smile*--and I think you'll be able to deal with it and process it in your own time, but oy! doesn't it make life uncomfortable in the meantime?! There's this book I am once AGAIN trying to read, called [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Heart-Spiritual-Advantage-Childhood/dp/0671797840"]Legacy of the Heart[/ame] by Wayne Muller. He's a minister who spent years working with people who survived abusive childhoods. I usually have to stop partway through it because it brings up such ferocious anger in me, and that interferes with my relationship with my mother. But this last time when I started it, I realized that each time I come back to it, I've made a lot of progress in dealing with my childhood pain and anger. If you can handle the fact that the book is written by a minister, I highly recommend it. He periodically quotes from several faiths, mostly Christian and Buddhist but sometimes others, but he doesn't seem to need to preach the necessity of belief at anyone---tis more like offering reassurance to those who need spiritual backup---and he seems to really understand what it does to people to have lived through such difficult lives, to have suffered so enormously as children. |
I was adopted when I was 4mo's old, before that I was in foster care. From what I can gather, my birth mother was young, unmarried and Jewish.The father was Cree/Scottish, not a good combination. The young woman was pressured into giving me up because of racial issues on the side of the birth mother's family. Back in the 60's having a child that is part native was seriously frowned upon.
So here I am. I knew I was adopted very early, my folks didn't want me to have any issues. My cousin is adopted as well, and is bitter and a very angry person. I did start a search for my birth mother when I was 20, as I was having some health issues that could be due to genetics. So I did get a hold of her, our conversation was pretty brief, I found out my genetic history including my own cultural background. I was very grateful for that, but neither of us wanted to persue a relationship - her for the fact she wanted that part of her past to remain so and I because she had no right to be. My own hell started after my adoption. From the time I can remember, I was verbally attacked and threatened to be sent back the agency. The older I got the assaults became physical as well. I ended up being a very angry teen and young adult. I had major abandonment issues which have only dissipated in the last decade or so. What I am mad at is that these agencies don't check deep enough into the prospective parents even to this day. It should not be a given that every person has the right to have/adopt a chld. I know a person who actually sued the agency and settled out of court. My was through the gov't and there was no way to get recourse. On the flip side of all of this, I have become a kind, loving and very affectionate person. I make sure the folks in my life know how important and loved they are. I wouldn't be the person I am today I don't think without my childhood being so messed up. ~Red~ |
I agree Red I'm the same way what I went through has made me the kind loving really affectionate person I am today.
I.want everyone in my life to know how much I love and care about each and everyone of them. :) Great Post |
I got the "bad" genes for sure, I don't rely on much of the scientific spew.
FA's article to me seems to talk more about parents trying to mess with nature when it comes to "splicing" out bad and good genes. http://www.amfor.net/acs/ Artcile on ACS- Adopted Child Syndrome |
The point I am trying to make about bad genes vs good genes is for example...
I have Bipolar. I was finally diagnosed at 21. Was that bad gene with me from birth? Yes. Did me or my family know this? No. If we had all known my medical history regaurding this would it have mattered? Perhaps in getting a quicker diagnosis. So, I take medication and have been hospital free and stabilized for over 10 years now! If I had not been adopted would I still have bipolar? Yes. Would that have made any significant difference in the quality of my life? I don't think so. I have some other medical issues I am dealing with. Are they genetic or lifestyle? I can choose to eat better nutritionally which would lower my risk factors to certain predispositions. Etc...So is it lifestyle that plays with some factors or solely genetics? I believe a bit of both. But some things are my responsibility such as taking my medications to prevent symptoms. Not because I am adopted. As far as the article shared I appreciate you sharing it but don't agree one bit about adoptees having more: conflict with authority (for example truancy); preoccupation with excessive fantasy; pathological lying; stealing; running away (from home, school, group homes, situations); learning difficulties, under-achievement, over-achievement; lack of impulse control (acting out, promiscuity, sex crimes); fascination with fire, fire-setting "In twenty-five years of practice I have seen hundreds of adoptees, most adopted in infancy. In case after case, I have observed what I have come to call the Adopted Child Syndrome, which may include pathological lying, stealing, truancy, manipulation, shallowness of attachment, provocation of parents and other authorities, threatened or actual running away, promiscuity, learning problems, fire-setting, and increasingly serious antisocial behavior, often leading to court custody. It may include an extremely negative or grandiose self-image, low frustration tolerance, and an absence of normal guilt or anxiety." It sounds like his practice was filled with sociopaths by the traits he is describing. Do adoptees have a higher incidence of becoming a sociopath then non adoptees in mainstream society? Yes. But is it nature over nurture? I believe we can change our destiny. Some factors are a choice. Let's look at alcoholism. Is it genetic? Yes. So if an alcoholic passes the bad genes of alcoholism to a child will that child whether biological or adopted have a higher predisposition to becoming an alcoholic? Yes. But there are still choices and help available to adoptees as well as biological children. And if this person learns something very beneficial from having the bad gene of alcoholism that perhaps changes others lives is that gene truly a bad one? I will just end my rambling with two quotes I live by: For all of the pain, abuse, anger experienced by some including myself who are adopted "To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover that the prisoner was you". -Lewis B Smedes, "Forgiveness - The Power to Change the Past" If I did not learn to forgive my biological parents, my adoptive parents I would be and remain the prisoner not them. "I've learned that our background and circumstances May have influenced who we are, But we are responsible for who we become." James Rhinehart "My life is my message"...... Your life is your message.:rose: Mahatma Gandhi |
You may not agree but for many adoptees out there who do agree with the article might tell you so. I am being one of those.
I am bi polar as well, I have a MAJOR issue with authority and always have, I have stolen from family and friends, learning difficulties, impulse control issues and have been known to set fires as a child. Sociopath? Me, prolly no doubt, do I care no, not in the least bit, my siblings would be considered sociopaths as well. Do I think most of those things you pointed at are choices, No I do not. I have my own reasons and my real family being the one reason I do not belive in choices. |
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Bottom line is we agree to disagree. |
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Why lie about what many doctors and such have told me and my family? I am not the type to pussyfoot around or hide my feelings on things, I am blunt on many things and stand my ground. Why others try to so hard to conceal something is beyond me, if you keep hiding, things get worse. |
Thank you to everyone who has posted, I need to go back and read it all and will respond, but first I want to respond to this post and all the posts one at a time. :)
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biological Father became a cop in Dallas and may still be. My biograndfather on my mother's side was the sheriff of their town, I think it was Hobart, OK. My adopted mother, whom I loved more than I can put into words, died allegedly of an aneurysm (though that is not what her death certificate says). I am so glad that you got to meet your mother and that the meeting went well, and even more glad that you seem to have a foster family who still cares about you and accepts you for who you are. Do you get to see your brother now? How cruel to not let you see him. My heart goes out to you both. |
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Have I had lots of mental problems in my life? YES. |
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You are right, in fact I remember my adopted dad telling me in the 60's that he had complete control of me and could do whatever he wanted to to me and no one could or would do anything. No one would believe me, becasue he was a missionary and evangelist. Yes, it had to be my grandparents...which still is creepy, but maybe not as? I will get that book. Thank you! I do feel kind of silly at 46 going through this and it is hard to hear things like it's beating a dead horse or that they loved me sooo much, they gave me up, which I think is crap. It really never occurred to me that some of my issues were from adoption. I thought it was all my dad and being queer. I don't want anyone to think that I have used being adopted as an excuse not to excell...in fact, I have excellent coping skills...while still having health and mental health issues steming from trauma and abuse. Thank you as always for being such a supportive friend. You consistently make a difference in my life. |
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I was abused mentally and physically too. I am so sorry you went through that. They don't check out the families well enough, though in my case, my parents being missionaries probably looked great on the application to adopt. You are so right, we would not be the strong women we are today if we did nto have our childhoods. |
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I have always known i was adopted. My parents told me at a young age. I dont really remember how they told me, but i remember knowing. I have never met my birth parents, i have no real idea where they are, who they are or if they are even still alive. Closed adoption suck ass. NYS is very hard on giving out any kinds of info, hell im 42 fucking years old, i deserve to know. I always told myself i would wait to start my search for my birth parents after both my parents past on. after my dad passed in 2006, i wrote to NYS. I got a letter back at christmas time 2006 giving me very little about my birth mother. She was canadian, she was 20 and I was her first child. wow that was all, never heard anything again from NYS. Going to read through the thread now. |
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Its great that you have adjusted so well and that you know you would have had the same problems whether or not you were adopted. I think it's important for our own self forgiveness that we know and accept the fact that growing up away from our people does make a difference. I am so happy you have worked things out and are doing so well! :) |
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I do think we have some choices, but I also believe that being ripped from our mother's arms and left with no touch for weeks until another woman took us in has to make a big difference in our lives. |
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I am very blunt too, and why hide? We have been lied to enough, had secrets enough. Telling the truth is what is helping. The whole truth. |
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I love you, hon. It hurts to watch you hurt so much--and yet I know it's necessary. You have to deal with this crap--and I know it IS crap; I hate that you're saddled with it!--in order to move forward with your life. The heavens know I have felt ridiculously silly dealing with my old pain and anger at my mother at this age of 51, so I hear you on feeling silly! I keep thinking, "WTF?? I dealt with all this years ago!" but yanno, there are buried layers and they don't come to the top until it's safe to deal with them. I guess that means you and I are safe now, eh? Even though it doesn't feel that way at all! About this idea that your mother gave you up out of love, you're right, it's ridiculous. She gave you up because she was forced to. In the 1950s and 60s, girls were commonly forced to. I will say that there really are some people who give their children up out of love, and do their damnedest to make sure the kids are given to good parents, better parents than they themselves can be. Those people are the ones who grieve, who wonder for the rest of their lives if the kids are okay, who pray for them (or send energy), who never stop loving and never stop hurting. Your mom might not be one of them, there might not be many of them... but they do exist. |
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I guess, till my Dad died and all the stuff that arises around that, I did not realize being adopted made a difference in my life. I thought it was his abuse that defined me and made me succeptible to controlling dominating people. It is very interesting to read and study about adoption, and why I am like I am. Oklahoma is very difficult to get info from too, I agree it totally sucks that people still don't see the damage it casues to not share the truth of a person's own history with them. How much it would mean to you to know, especially now that you have a son. Thanks for posting! |
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