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I love to date. I am good at dating. I dont jump into a relationship just because someone opened the car door for on the date and then called me the next day. Those are NOT cues signifying an instant relationship! Just because I find out someone likes to dunk their toast in their coffee and watches CSI and SVU religiously like I do, (I dont, these are just examples) doesnt mean they are partner material... what they do mean...is that they are likely to offer pretty good dates. Dates do not mean their shoes get slid under my bed. Dates dont even mean coming inside my house. And depending on how we met, dates might not even mean knowing where I live... what a date would mean, is a step closer..to smell my fragrance..perhaps to even embrace it so that it might cling to you after I leave... Dating isnt about how fast we can sum it all up. Just the opposite..it means slowing down the heat so it doesnt burn on the edges...so the middle is cooked thoroughly...and the syrups of the fruit come out hot and steaming when it is time for pie... |
Key
I read your post and am wondering,just for clairafacation(sp?),how cold I create a diffrent me to attract someone??
Lose more weight to be healther....i'm doing that already,to be shure loseing weight has its own scedual. Be more finacialy stable...I already own near all I have free and clear. I have very fue bills to pay just utilities and car inshurance with $ left over..do I need have more $$.Oh shure, I could go back to work cause retirement is boreing..besides I miss the daily grind. Should I be more handsome,dye my grey hair,work out harder so I can bulk up more. So if I change who I am on the outside, how will it make me diffrent cause if I did a total redo..I wouldnt be the person I really am and it took me a long time to get to where I am. |
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In my world I have to be the one I want to be with for her to be with me. just sayin... high expectations usually no one can live up to, often give unrealistic consequences. |
In an ideal world my partner would be my equal; intelligent, spiritual. mover-shaker, as you put it Key. In reading this all this somethings occurred to me.
I have lived a very full and interesting life. There are many aspects to my nature and although some have met the end of that journey, nonetheless they are still part of me. I am a strong alpha femme that also has a complete opposite. Over the years I have learned to find balance with everything I am. One thing that has happened in my recent past relationships is that I completely closed parts of me because they couldnt deal with it or felt threatened by it. It use to really piss me off when my ex would make some shitty comment like "Stop trying to top me." every time I voiced an opinion. After a while you start putting up walls because you get so sick and fucking tired of being misunderstood. I need to be able to put my cards on the table and not be judged but honored for all that I am. This is going to take a very confident, self assured and spiritual person. In their strength they also need to adore and worship me as the Goddess I feel I am. (ok no eyes rolling) Only a strong and intelligent human can relinquish control and still be strong. They really don't give a shit what people think when it comes to how they love their SO. damn I think I had a point - lol- I'm sick today, in bed, bored and my mind going a million miles. I think the bottom line for me is I want it all. Did I say that already? lol - even when I'm feeling kinky, no matter what it is, my partner doesnt go "wtf?" and start judging me. Instead they smile and ask "what can I do for you?" That same person wakes up, brings me coffee in bed and then go bites the world in the ass! |
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I read recently that love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I like that one. |
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I know I need help in this department. I don't want to crush relationship sprouts.... I guess that is why I am attracted to such sassy, self-satisfied women. It really is something I aspire to. And the funny thing is, when I am alone (as I have been for a long time now) I am very self satisfied, loving my own life, doing my own thing. But if I meet someone I crush on I can just toss all that out the window. :hanging: |
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Excellent list, BBM - it mirrors mine...
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Physically, I am attracted to masculine energy, and an 'in-charge' attitude without being bossy or demanding. I love daddy types - and tho I don't mind being called 'babygirl - I am not a fragile 'babygirl'. I don't want to make decisions for you, but don't want you making them for me either. I wear 'big girl' panties, and carry them very well, thank you...I am an independent, strong woman. That said:
What works me? First, and foremost, intelligence, wit, and a wicked humor. Keep me laughing, and you might just steal my heart. A healthy body, mind, and spirit. Hygene, and self-love is important - you need to care for, and about yourself before you can care for anyone. Integrity, honesty, strenghth of character, fidelity, and trustworthiness. Someone I can lean on for strength, and who isn't afraid to lean on me as well. Creativity, imagination, whimsy, child-like curiosity and wonder of all things in nature and life, a reader, industrious, ambitious, romantic, sensitive but strong. A sense of fun, and compassion for the less fortunate without being a pushover or doormat. And the list goes on...but these are the main qualities I look for. Oh, and a p.s., if you love classic movies and can talk about them intelligently - that's a major PLUS!!! lol Knowing Spanish wouldn't hurt either! ;) |
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What I see when I'm in public -- and am attracted to -- isn't different than any other time but is perhaps ordered differently. We can all wax poetic about intelligence and caring, etc., but I think if you see someone across a room, without knowing them, it's hard to get beyond looks and energy. Until you engage with someone, you can't move on to the other characteristics.
I don't think I have a type, per se. For me, there's just a gut reaction to someone that's my particular brand of attractive. I think a lot of that is how people carry themselves. While I can appreciate masculine beauty, I'm not attracted to it. It's not what makes me go boom. *grin* All ranges of femme do it for me. I've been all across the board in the types of people I've dated. In the long run, deeper characteristics will almost always prevail. I just don't think people look across a room and think, "Wow he/she seems so smart and witty." I think it's more like, "Damn, what a hottie/cutie." On the flip side, I think all these other characteristics such as humor and wit and intelligence come into play much quicker and looks shuffle to the back of the line. Just my 2 cents. *smile* |
when I am in a room full of people I watch...and it is the one who is centered, grounded and interesting who I will gravitate to.
It is not the one with the crowd around him, as he spouts off his hotty totty lifestyle, attracting attention to himself. Nor is it the miserable one who shows anger and depression as his clothes. He who is looking around, the same as I, will meet my eyes....and with a smile...I might invite him over... |
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At points in my life, I have been in dark/angry/sad or general crappy places and I attracted those kinds of people to me...of course at the time, I may have said "why do I attract all the crazies?" but really it was where I was in my mental/emotional space. I have spent many years on a journey to figure myself out, my "stuff", understand it, process it...basically understand myself better and be able to own my shit. I'd like to be the best human I can and a good partner to another human. And it's a continuous journey... Some years ago, my father suggested I make a list - describe the kind of person I would like have as a mate. I made a point to write the things I wanted, rather than those I didn't. It sounds very simple, but it was pretty profound when I finally did it. It actually helped me weed through all those who did not work for me...and I kept getting closer. |
Sassy, just like your daddysuggested to you, I suggested to my daughter, that she make up a list of what she wanted in someone. She took it to heart and came up with a very serious checklist. She had on it, he had to open car doors and let her be seated at a restaurant before he sat down himself. She told me she wanted her men to treat her as well as she has seen my butches I dated, treat me.
Hats off to the ones she admired....and to all the good butches out there that are like that, too. Sassy Leo, I like how you say that we attract the energy we are expressing. I do believe that I could hold that against any relationship I have had and it be true.... |
Dark hair
Blue eyes preferably Smile is everything No smoking |
interesting thread
I have been reading and rereading this thread for a while and its made me think a lot.
Attraction is such a subjective thing and I find it difficult to put into words something that, to me, is more instinctual then intellectual. It seems I can make a list of what I like and dislike but we all use words differently i.e. "sassy" to me may not mean "sassy" to another. I find with each relationship, be it a lover or a friend, we fine tune the things we like and dislike in general, the things we want and dont want in our lives, the qualities that are important and the ones we give leeway on. It is easier to discern those things that are deal breakers more so then those things that work. And I say this because even if someone can meet a list of qualities or things I look for in a person, it doesnt means there is the type of chemistry that will lead to a relationship or friendship. In the same vein, I am pretty sure of the types of things that are immediate no-no's to either. I do find that as I age, I am more self contained, self sufficient, and less prone to things and people who require too much of my time, energy, or attention. And I find, I like people who are similar. |
Attraction
I have to be attracted on all levels.
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Hair, Hair, Long Beautiful Hair
I just love the long, dark, preferably curly or wavy hair of a femme.
Seeing a femme's long, dark hair, Reminds me of a beautiful waterfall and waves in the ocean, and beautiful fluffy waves of clouds in the sky. Just watching a femme brush her long hair mesmerizes me for a moment. I actually enjoy when a femme fusses over her long hair, saying at times that it has a mind all its own. I enjoy watching the way that the weather affects a femme's long hair. How the femme's long hair flows and moves in the wind. The rawness of a femme's long hair when I get the pleasure of feeling her hair between my fingers, when her hair is wet from a shower, or the rain. How extra soft the femme's long hair feels within my finger's touch, As the waves or curls makes different patterns, glistening and sticking together because of the sweat from her skin. This is usually the time when she is fussing that her hair is a mess. But not to me. I love all of the complexities as well as the simplicities of a femme's long hair. I crave the sweaty wet feel of a femme's long hair on my face and on my body while we make love. And how her hair makes different patterns that I can feel and see when I brush the sweaty hair from her face. And I can even smell the scent of me in the femme's long beautiful hair, from her making love to me. I Enjoy the femme's natural body smell thru the locks of her long hair, All mingled with the scents of her perfume or the shampoo, or the hair beautifiers that she has put in her hair that day. I love the fascinating way the femme's hair seems to change, in thickness, body and shine, When she gets her period or when she is pregnant. I feel like a baby being cradled when I have my face in the femme's beautiful long hair- Whenever I hold her in my arms. My face surrounded by the comfort, softness and aroma, of the femme's beautiful long hair. But nothing beats the security that the femme feels, while I'm holding her in my arms, while we snuggle on the coach or in the bed. Sometimes, I like to think that a big part of that femme's heartfelt love, comes thru some kind of energy in her hair, which is resting on my chest, my shoulder or under my chin. |
For me, the #1 thing is mental attraction. Someone who can really stimulate my mind will peak my curiosity regardless of how they look.
Physically, I tend to like Butch, and that's usually what I attract. I think regardless of how your partner sees herself, you see her masculine qualities as a turn on. I think those qualities would be present regardless of how she looks. Not all butches "look Butch", but there are certain traits that trigger us to respond to those we consider masculine. They are not always physical traits. |
yesterday someone said to me, "oh [Nomad]! you're not a stone femme. why would you call yourself that? it's totally homosexist"
homosexist? 'm glad that i'm not in a dating situation with that person because a lot of things attract me but one of the things that would kill every level of attraction for me is someone telling me how i feel, what i think, or how i ID. it wouldnt matter who you were, i'd no longer be attracted in any way. it takes a lot for me to relax and be myself these days. hanging out with someone who denies my identity would make it impossible. |
Regardless of how scathingly brilliant, handsome and witty you might be, if you light up a cigarette I am immediately turned off. Just can't do it.
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I bolded the part that jumped out at me. OMG Nomad, this is my number one trigger. I so relate! |
A combination of all 3 and then some.
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In my case, I don't have a "traditional" type. Maybe that in itself makes a difference. Would I have an initial attraction? Probably. But that's because again, I don't always look at just the "packaging." The way the person presents themselves, their personality, their sense of humor, commonalities - all play in that factor. I'm all about getting to know the person (with the hopes that the person I am trying to know tells the truth, but that's another thread issue altogether) - and that takes more than 15 minutes. In the past, anything I involved myself in based on purely physical attraction was basically a disaster in the making. |
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I know some couples who make the one non-, one smoker thing work, but I have not had any success with that. |
I hope that no one is offended by my last comments of being attracted to a femmes long hair.
I should have added all of this in my last post. A femme can have beautiful long hair and be an evil person inside. I am very attracted to a femme more physically if she keeps long hair. But there are other physical features that turn me on about femmes too. Mentally, I am attracted to femmes with an Inner Humanitarian type spirit, When she actually helps others especially children in need. Im attracted to femmes who have a love of God. Im attracted to femmes who try their best to live a "green" sustainable life, I dont mean a complete vegatable diet, because I eat meat. I mean trying her best to live organic, from our foods, to the materials that we use in our home, and the types of clothing that our family wears. Emotionally, I am attracted to femmes who can understand me and handle me and my inner most self within our romantic relationship. Im attracted to a femme that can blend in harmony with me, Yet we dont cancel each other out, Or blend with each other so much, That our individuality is erased or blurred. Instead we compliment each other harmoniously, And can grow past any problems together. |
I like nerds. Intelligence is sexy.
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Physical appearance for me has never been all that important. There are certain traits that I am attracted to, however. Female IDd butch women..... someone who loves being a woman as much as I love them being a woman lol. Polite way of saying that I enjoy the sexual aspect of being with a woman, and so wouldnt care to be with someone who does not want touched.
But... I can't know that just from an initial "glance". That WOULD be a deal breaker for me, however. Physical attributes that catch my eye... I love long hair on a woman. I just do. No matter how they wear it. I generally prefer that she be taller than me (not difficult because I am only 5'2" in the mornings before gravity takes over) She definitely has to have a male energy and presence... counter balanced with a feminine softness. She has to be dominant.. not necessarily in a BDSM sort of way, but definitely in a way that she can be the "head" of the relationship. That energy, when it's there, is almost always immediately recognizable. She should be physically strong. I don't necessarily want her to be "cut" lol, but able to wrestle with me is a given LOL I am attracted to strength. Strength of will, of character, of body and of mind. Those things create an aura that is also easily recognizable. It will capture my attention and make my heart jump, each and every time. I am femme. Not ultra femme, or high maintenance... but femme. Whether it's just a natural energy, or my upbringing brought it about.. I am definitely the "girl or wife" and while I am positive about my "label" I don't care if the woman I am with labels herself or not... as long as she has the(non physical) attributes that can capture and hold my attention. The physical attributes are only initial attractions. If she opens her mouth and shows herself to be...vain, stupid, arrogant... or... like others have said... tries to tell me how I feel, what I think or how I SHOULD feel or what I SHOULD think... she could look like Xena (sighing) and I would lose interest in a snap! The physical attributes are not essential for me, they are merely preferences, but they would definitely catch my eye. The next thing she would have to do, however, is attract my mind, because for me.... appearance is only skin deep.. there also has to be substance. |
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i'm learning more and more about myself this year than i have in possibly the last decade. being on the road alone with a huge and largely uninterrupted amount of time to process has made me realize that i crave someone who can handle me. someone strong, patient, dominant, loving and demanding; someone insightful enough to know me, "see" me, understand me and keep me safe.
i'm not a cake walk. not even close. i'm hard to get close to and i have some wicked effective defenses built up around me (a fact which is cleverly disguised by my brilliant sense of humor and my obvious charm). in short, i have baggage. and all the evidence points to the fact that it's permanent baggage at that. but i wouldnt refuse guidance to an interested party if they were hardy enough to stand their ground while we got to know one another. maybe i need to post a sign that says "The feint of heart need not apply"? translation: i'm too old to suffer wimps. handle me or move on. everyone has baggage. some of us have managed to limit that baggage to the carry on variety and some of us have full monogrammed sets. we just need to go through it once in a while in order to understand what it represents. something that occurs to me as i type is that we also need to change our approach to that baggage. im beginning to think we need to treat it with respect rather than the more typical contempt or wariness response. no one volunteers for emotional turbulance (without a reason anyway - which is baggage in and of itself). maybe we need to start cutting ourselves and other people some slack or looking at the emotional baggage issue with a little more humility. after all, sometimes when you can examine the hard things with someone who truly cares for you it becomes possible to let some of it go. behind my defenses is a girl who sincerely wants to be open and vulnerable and exposed to the gaze of someone who loves and respects what they find there and who will help safeguard it, but there's some climbing to be done to get that close. after years of taking flak and even beating myself up for erecting such intricate defenses i've come to realize that i'm more normal than i understood. more importantly, the people who dont want to make the climb or cant afford the effort wouldnt be a good fit for me anyway, nor i for them. my baggage has its foundation in childhood. like most people with those kinds of emotional mementos i've created an adult version that dictates a certain pattern to the way i move through the world. today's version of me (which is different than yesterday and will be different tomorrow) knows that i can sometimes choose how much or how little influence that baggage has on what i do, say and think but i'm never going to be without it. the people that i have been sincerely attracted to throughout my life were those who took the time to understand how i became who i am. i did the same with regard to them. that kind of intimate knowlege is what makes it possible for us to "handle" one another. i would run -not walk- from someone who said they wouldnt consider a relationship with someone who has baggage. not only do i think that sort of talk/mindset is incredibly othering, it would also make me think that their self image had taken on a holy tone. personally, i'm not into perfection, giving or receiving. |
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heard today: i always date people who are uglier than i am so that i can feel good about myself. and people think i'm less shallow if i date an ugly person because i can obviously get someone cute but i'm with an ugly person so i must have looked deeper than the physical right? and ugly people are always so grateful that you give them a shot. (insert laughter) it's a win win situation. they get to be with me and i get to look good to myself and to everyone else! :| as someone who fits into the non-pretty category, i found this stunning at best. but it brings up some relevant discussion points. we're attracted to what we're attracted to. no sense pretending we're not. but if beauty is in the eye of the beholder AND what's inside counts more than what's outside - or at least that's what they tell the ugly kids while we're growing up - then why does being physically attractive appear to be more important than anything else? media fed cultural standards? are we just a truly superficial population? is there some kind of instinctual screening process that we have no control over? what is it that makes people hope they'll meet and fall in love with someone good looking? would you turn away an average looking or unattractive potential partner with whom you had a good connection if you also had a good connection with someone better looking? do you settle for or accept less from a good looking person than you do from someone who was plain or considered ugly by your familiar cultural standards? (rumor has it that we ALL do this) if the people who knew you best in the world (so they love you and have your very best interests at heart) set you up on a blind date with someone you had a lot in common with and who sounded perfect in every way and then you found out, before the date, that they were physically unattractive (by your standards) would you cancel the date? why or why not? now no one is going to be schmuck enough to rush right up to say 'yes! me! i'm THAT shallow!' we all know this. but we also know that physical attraction is an extremely powerful motivator. ther's no need to deteriorate into 'she had great tits' or 'if hy has a nice ass' or 'i love his washboard abs' because it's dull and we're much cleverer than that. but i'd like to hear people's thoughts, whether they choose to answer any of the questions or not, on what it is that makes physical attraction so motivating. |
Okay. I'm a schmuck.
Yea, I may be that shallow. However, I like this sort of forum because it pulls me up by my bootstraps. Forces me to "get to know" someone as it were thru their written word. And I like that. It's making me a better person. Are looks still important to me? Well, yes they are. Just as I assume they are to most people reading these posts. Difference is, unlike a bar situation, my curiosity is peaked, my intelligence tweaked and my humor ignited. I have already gotten some kind of attachment.
Hopefully I've made some sense. My .02 that is. |
Great thread. I'll just say that what some may find undesirable I may find completely captivating. So the question of the hour for me is what defines ugly or not pretty or not handsome? How many times have you been sitting there with your best friend, people watching, and you go "OOOOOOO NICE" and you get that "You're kidding right?"
Lots of factors influence attraction for me, including the physical look. But I'd like to think that there is no ugly only different definitions of "attractive". The media really does on a number on us when it comes defining beauty and it's just downright disturbing to see what it can do to one's psyche. Just my two cents... Scoobs |
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i assume that physical appearance is important to most people too. just because it's a normal behavior to be drawn to what appeals to your visual filter. but, like you said, there's something about a pique to the curiosity. conversations that happen here strike me as little hooks for the brain cells that says 'find out more!' i really end up being glad i come back every day. and suddenly, while i'm often curious about what someone looks like i also find that i dont care what they look like, if that makes any sense. i just want a face with a name if that's possible. i have a "type" of person i'm attracted to and that's just how my brain is wired. having said that, physical appearance matters to me more from a hygiene stance and a personal pride stance than anything else. where the option exists, do you bathe regularly and clean your clothes? do you take care of yourself in the best ways you can? do you consider your health important? (you dont have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to take care of yourself to the best of your ability and given your resources) that's what matters to me. |
I have been attracted physically and sexually but that lasts about an hour and then what? If I can't talk to you, I will never fall in love with you.
Brains, brains, brains and more brains. Intellect and ability to stimulate my mind comes first and my body will follow... |
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