Do not agree here. if i go on a date with someone, i am under no obligation to disclose my intentions. If they are seeing a life partner, thats on them. If i KNOW they are looking for a wife, i do disclose that i am not interested in that.




i also found a simple definition of a date...

date1
dāt/Submit
noun
1.
the day of the month or year as specified by a number.
"what's the date today?"
synonyms: day, day of the month, occasion, time; More
2.
a social or romantic appointment or engagement.
"a college student on a date with someone he met in class"
synonyms: appointment, meeting, engagement, rendezvous, assignation; commitment
"a lunch date"


:)

I don't understand this. Please clarify.


We are in agreement here. If you want something different than the person you're dating, you let them know.

This is about relationships in general but I think its also important when dating.

This is brilliant. Thank you.

The Four Elements of True Love
 

In the Buddhist teaching of love, there are four elements. The first is maitri – friendship, brotherhood, loving-kindness. And the second is karuna – capacity to understand the suffering and help remove and transform it – compassion. Mudita is the third element – joy – your joy is her joy, her joy is our joy. The last element is upeksha – nondiscrimination. This is a higher form of love. The four qualities have no limits – infinite love – these elements are also call the Four Unlimited Minds.

The bodhisattva of love is in you.




I felt that this is so important that I also posted it in the Buddhist thread.

Loving
 

Sorry meant to say yes, indiscriminately ...

also meant to finish my thought on the fine line.

i struggle to feel love for people who hurt me, intentionally, with malice. i know i do have love for them, because they are damaged people, but i think my brain just won't let me feel it like i should. The inward impression is love, but the outgoing is hate. Maybe once i can forgive i won't hate as much.

Is it possible to feel love and hate at the same time? Because that's whats going on with certain people for me.

i don't even know if any of that makes sense.

I agree with dee, which was an honest answer. I believe that even if we love someone unconditionally, we still have the right to choose if it is healthy to have them in our life closely, romantically, or however. Sometimes part of loving each other that way is letting go or letting be whatever is best. Always wanting whatever is best for the other person as much as for yourself, which is a selfless love. We have to love and honor ourselves and core beliefs/values before we truly can know how to do it with anyone else.


As far as this relating to the original topic here, I was recently reading somewhere someone said that when dating someone, people are always wondering if "this is the one" or if the two are in love vs infatuation. His reply was that instead, people need to question if that is someone they can learn about true and healthy love with - not just during the good times, but through any type of situation. I think it's easy for a lot (if not most?) people to overlook that kind of important question when thinking about being serious with someone. Even in online/LDR dating.

You make perfect sense...It's a struggle I have within myself..I want to do better because it's something that's important to me and the universe.

I understand how you both feel Dee & Kitty :) I also agree too !! you can't heal the world makes ya soooooooo tired lol ~ keep sharing the love sisters ^5 ~

When it comes to people who I feel have hurt me and/or been very unfair to me, the best place for me to get is to neither hate or love them and just wish them well. I actually don't hate anyone I have ever known (romantic or otherwise) and don't believe I ever have. My parents really drilled into me never to hate anyone and I think that really stuck. The only people I can imagine hating are those who commit horrific crimes.

I have at times felt a lot of hurt and anger, and when I can get to more of a place of neutrality that is a lot better for me than to try to force feelings of love. The hardest part is when the anger dies down (which for me is usually fairly quickly) but when I still have a lot of hurt. If I can get past that point where it doesn't hurt so badly then it is much easier.

I also don't feel under obligation to love everyone I know or love everyone in the world. I am selective of who I love (both romantic or otherwise) and I really am okay with that. I love humanity as a whole and believe in our basic goodness even though there are a lot of horrific things done. I believe in social justice and working to make the world a better place, and I do think humans are capable of that - may just be my bleeding liberal heart, lol.

Hmmm? Interesting thought.. maybe I am just too nice a person

Thinking back..I never thought getting to know someone online was dating...I just thought of it as fun and often interesting....I regret many things, but that's not one of them:tea:

B
 

Spot on Gemme. I read your knowledge of the importance of boundaries as Self-love, and Self-protection. And absolutely necessary, period.

Hard-assed? No way Gemme, very healthy indeed. We live in a society where
there are people that have no remorse, or conscience and "suck" the life out of
people that are empathic and have no boundaries.

So, what I've learned is this...to learn what boundaries are, and implement them in my life in all areas, relationships, work, play. And for people that cross boundaries such a huge red flag, they are not allowed in my life in any way, shape or form. No apologies from me.

Right on Gemme.

Greco

I'm not sure human beings have the capacity to love like this...

Playing devil's advocate here...

Wouldn't a love that's indiscriminate ... while seemingly wonderful on it's face... be sort of a ... "cheapened" ... sort of love? Perhaps that's not the ideal word for it. Meaning, if someone loves everyone ... regardless... what value is their love to each individual? Does it mean anything?

I do differentiate humans' capacity for love from the capacity of a higher power to love.

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

A long time ago I would have said yes to all of the above...... However over the years I have learnt some valuable lessons & now I am at.......Those who I bring into my personal circle of life.... I absolutely love unconditionally... I am just selective on who I let into that circle in the 1st place... It's a self protection boundary...

If I am hurt by someone I have let in, I find it difficult to connect to them in the same light as I did before & sometimes I do find forgiveness but I love them with a sense of caution if that makes sense? If they deliberately hurt me again I remove them from my life... So in a sense... I guess I do have some conditions on love which I am working on some of those factors.... (How much I am willing to tolerate in my life has a boundary & I find boundaries healthy)

Indiscriminately.... I like to think yes, I love peoples uniqueness & believe everyone has something different they bring to the table & there for I love each of them differently for different reasons.... But like everything... I am selective of who I let into that circle because my personal safe boundary is there for a reason & have learnt over the years that whilst your intentions are good... Not everyone else has that same intention.....

Selflessly..... No... I did once & it drained the life out of me for many years, by loving someone so selflessly I forgot who I was, I forgot how to be me & enjoy being me.... I was mentally & physically exhausted which is not healthy for any person to be involved with romantically or friendly... When I am in love with someone I love them, but I don't compromise myself anymore... Because I matter too & it's taken me a long time to say those 4 words...

I guess boundaries are what always come into play for me... We all have humanity etc but I also think not compromising what makes you healthy & happy should be priority as well...

This part of your post really struck me. I'm just bouncing off that because my idea here might not be quite what you were referring to, but I did like your post.

I think as a human being I have both a limited capacity and an unlimited capacity to love. My limits are I only have so much energy, time, strength, courage, etc. and there are also the healthy boundaries several people have discussed.

Where the unlimited capacity comes in is I have loved a few people in my life where I did feel my love continue to grow and grow. You think you love someone as much as you possibly can and then the next day you love them even more. Not from some crazy frentic ‌infautation, or because you had great sex the night before or the person did something amazing for you, but just from having that close connection that much longer. To me that is an amazing and beautiful thing. I think a similar thing can happen with loving yourself, loving family, friends or other non-romantic forms of love, loving your art or vocation or calling.

So I do think as humans we do have limits to our love and boundaries that are critical, but we also have the unlimited capacity to love when the conditions are right, and that is one of the most amazing qualities that humans have.

This part of your post really struck me... back! ;)

The "...when the conditions are right..." is what makes me say I don't believe human beings are capable of ... unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly love. And it's true for me too! And it's what I hope is true for my particular higher power.

I use the HP term just because not everyone believes the same one.

Opps... my BFP proofreader just advised me... :p

And it's what I hope is not true for my particular higher power.

;)

I feel a little differently...the conditions to love are never perfect..that's just wishful thinking that you may get that perfect person who deserves all your love..we aren't made that way because even in the midst of greatness we are flawed..you just have to take your chances and do your best to make good choices and hopefully you will find a partner (when you are open) who shares your interests and your temperaments compliment each other.

yin (to his) yang

I don't think conditions or people (definitely including me) are perfect either. But there are some conditions and people who make it more conducive to having a healthier and deeper love - for me. I connect more deeply and closer to some people more than others - it's just a combination of things that allows it to occur. And someone I might not form a deep connection with can certainly form a deep connection with someone else.

Unconditionally doesn't exist or shouldn't. Abuse in any form should effect loving. I may still care enough to hope the person gets help, but my own self-love preclude me from continuing with that person.

Selflessly isn't healthy. A sense of self and what I need is required in order to flourish. I loved selflessly for many years and it served the purpose of making me forget who I was when I was happy. I'm rediscovering her now.

Indiscriminately isn't healthy either. We all should discriminate when choosing people we let into our lives. Once you see the red flags, love yourself enough to remove that person from your life.

I probably shouldn't be posting this in my current head space, but what the heck.

Online Dating
 

I will say that I have dated online for years. Part of my reason for this is I am not very confident in my real life. I also work at a major University in the bible belt!

In my real life I have to put on a mask of self-assurance, calm, and being in control. I hide behind various defense mechanisms to keep the real me from those who would hurt me.

I am a submissive woman. I am attracted to women. I do not care if a woman is butch, femme, or anywhere on that spectrum. I work in a job where I have to appear dominant. I have to be strict. I could never even hint that I am malleable, bendable, and well that i like my partner to "take control." It simply would not be appropriate.

Secretly I crave to find the one woman who doesn't mind my being on my knees so to speak. Someone who is comfortable being the dominant partner in the relationship. Someone who knows the difference between being in charge and being an abusive asshole. (If that makes any sense). So by dating a person online first I can get to know them, well at least the picture they paint of themselves.

I am not a skinny girl. People have told me I am pretty but well I rarely feel that way. I am awkward, introverted, and caring. The face I show to the world is none of those things. I play the role of extroverted PhD Candidate pretty darn well, and I hate it.

Does anyone else just crave for a place, a person that they can just be the person they are on the inside? Here, online, at least I can in the smallest bit. Yes, my ultimate dream is to find myself a partner who is dominant, self-assured, and secure in herself (or if preferring male pronouns, himself).