Nothing stressful for a change

How nice tonight is outside, just hanging with the dogs and my cousin.

the tooth that just cracked, finding a more competent dentist and thinking about the $$$$$$ it will cost even after insurance:seeingstars:

Work...Work...Work...life...and more work.

Wow.....my dreams feel normal now........ ;)

what is on my mind. Our manager has retired and is gone. She wasn't a very nice person. By her own admission, not even she wants to work with her. I should be over the top happy. mostly though I feel shell shocked,want to curl up in a ball and want to cry. Coworkers say she is evil and a lot of other things. Really though she is a testimony to what can happen to a human when they have horrible childhoods and don't seek treatment. Most of my coworkers make it about right VS wrong, good Vs bad. for people like me it is much harder. How do you hate someone who is so broken, so alone? Conversly how do you excuse a 67 year old adult, who choses to say this is how I am I cant change. How can I feel anything but pity for someone who must absolutely control everyone and everything around them. I realized one day, She can not let go of control or her world (mentally) will collapse. How do I care at all about someone who can and will lie, manipulate and cover her own ass at everyone else's expense. Some say she is a sociopath. I don't think so. she cut me deep(mentally) 2 times and I returned the favor, both times I hurt her badly, so soft on the inside and hard on the outside. Does she live her entire life in defense mode?
I wonder if people like her, realize how much damage they cause to the people around them. Some weeks it is all I can do to get through the week. It is going to take time to return to normal, to breath again, to not constantly mentally justify every action I do at work.
It is over, Our new manager has been named and will be starting in the next week or so. He is young and well respected and liked. I want to cry. J is getting a dream team. We know this, our managers supervisor says we walk on water, and honestly we do. We are older and work well together. We have one of the lowest if not the lowest error rates in the agency. We have earned our new manager.
first though, we have to heal. And breathe, must remember to breathe.

Compassion.

As I get older I realize we are teaching other people to be less compassionate and its heart breaking. Showing any emotional response can be viewed as a weakness and its sad seeing how open people could be if that judgement wasn't in the way. I'm going to support people no matter how much care it takes, I'm not going to let other people's lack of empathy be why I don't help those who need me.

I don't care, I'm going to be me.

Amen, sister! :cheerleader:

What's on my mind...more like who is on my mind

He is has been a lot lately

she is as I get to know her

Sometimes poly isn't all that complex. It is time consuming though. Think I'll take a nap!

The traffic on the road right infront of the house I'm staying at...I don't dare let the dogs out without leashes...I'm in the country but people use this little road like it's a super highway! ...not 2 miles from here yesterday several big deer jumped out infront of my car...thank goodness I was going the speed limit or below...that woulda been a mess. Some people just take their ability to be a lead foot for granted.

Also...I had forgot what it was like to live in/stay at a Fireman's/First Responder's house...until the other night at Oh-dark-30 when all the scanners and alarms went off...making me and poor little 6 pound Theodore (aka. Teddy) jump like electrocuted frogs!!

The first scanner report was for a vehicle flipped upside down laying on it's roof not far from here...speed was a factor. Sad.

Thinking...even tho I had a great dinner, I'm craving a huge bowl of dark chocolate ice cream....but I just realized how much I've been binge eating this week. I had done so good curbing and controlling my portions...my recent "I'm hungry but I don't know what I want" is bothering me...especially since I am aware of the root cause.

On my mind....
 

An unexpected 8 week deadline has filled me with a simultaneous sense of dread and excitement, and has also left me wondering exactly how in the Sam Hill I'm going to pull this one off.

Fortuitously, urgent situations that require a bit of "creative finesse" are my specialty.

But it's still going to be interesting to see how this bad boy plays out, lol.

:deepthoughts:

Telling me I "won't do" something just fuels me to do it. Thinking I'm that predictable shows the divide between us.

All the changes in my life in the last two weeks... so many that are not resolved yet...

Sex. Food. And sex.

That next week is pig round out for slaughter, this go round my beloved pig goes, I am still upset about this.

However, I know some of the slaughter goes to needy families in our area.

I have to stay awake for two and a half more hours to catch my shuttle at 3:50 am to go to the airport to go home. ...BFP, keep me awake!

A new opportunity proposed to me yesterday by my supervisor and manager. Working for the company almost 10 years, I never pictured myself in the position they're offering. "With growth comes great opportunities." So many things to ponder considering the turn of events over the last year.

This occupies my mind....

Its time to start some new to-do lists and take my life back again.

I was driving somewhere new today, and saw this big ol building surrounded by high fences and looking all official. I figured it must be a prison; a minimum security prison but still. As I was going by though, I noticed there were school buses...and sure enough it was a school.

It just made me so sad...in today's world we need that kind of security in schools. So much for innocence and having complete trust in our fellow man...it is an epic loss.

Read the following today:

"Everyone grieves. Everyone in life is going to experience profound disappointment. We all have the opportunity to walk beside someone in crisis."

I have friends and family members going through "stuff" so this statement resonated with me. I would like provide the support my loved ones need. Actually, strangers can use support too...you never know how much an act of kindness can lift someone's spirit. I would also like to be better at letting other people show support to me.

This is what is on my mind...

All the work I need to be doing but am too tired to do now.

Hurry. The. Fuck. Up. With. My. Truck.

Seriously, how long does it take mechanics to do a maintenance on my damn truck.

No Patience,
Brute.

Too much to do. Not enough hours in the day :seeingstars:

Thinking about how I'm not the only one going through a rough time, an ill loved one affects the whole family and I think I've been living in a bubble only thinking of myself. I need to change that.

Whats on your mind
 

Why do some ppl change when they get a partner??
Very strange:(

~ I need an inspection sticker for my car ~ and I HATE the smell of gastations ~ the end of the month is in 3 days and 1 is a reg working day ~~ I don't want to goooo ~~ yes I am whining about this task......

There has been a lot on my mind lately. My summer has been a fast pace whirlwind of new folks and new experiences. As I have met all these amazing new people and talked with them and listened to them tell about their beliefs and their experiences it has helped me better define some of my own.

So... on my mind lately... are my ideas about religion.

I have for some time identified religiously as a Druid. Calling on the original meaning of the word "one who learns", believing that the journey of a truly spiritual person is never ending. That it is our responsibility to continually learn and adapt to new understanding and new experiences. I have also leaned strongly on something I was told early in my own journey. One of my first mentors told me "there are many paths that all lead to one end." This single piece of information has grown and changed as I have but it has continued to influence my beliefs. One conversation I had this summer came back around to this and for the first time in all my years of study I truly understood its importance.

In talking with an older trans gentleman I met this summer, our conversation was turned towards religion. While he is a Christian he has a very open mind (Yes, I know, many do. However, even more, it seems, do not.) The result of the conversation went something like this.

If there is one truly loving and all-powerful god, would He not choose to appear to each of his children in the form that would most benefit their existence? Therefore, the Gods of all cultures may be the same. If God tells his children that they can become as He is, then does logic not follow that there would be others who are like him, already? Does he not have a mother and father of his own? Brothers? Sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins? Therefore, there may be more than one "god". And, if it would benefit His children to see deity through more than one form, would He not allow His brothers or sisters to help Him raise his children? Because we are "made in the image of god" we also know that there must be a Goddess, because it takes both male and female to create. On that logic, does it not also make sense that God would choose to protect the Goddess when a human society treats women with disrespect (Anglo-Saxon) and watch her flourish in a human society that reveres women (Native-American). Every religion tells stories of “miracles” and “magic”. There are stories in each culture of abilities that cannot be explained through science or current knowledge. Can we not then conclude that each of us contain a potential for the “unbelievable” that we choose to embrace by one word and shun by another.

The conclusion I came to as I went over this conversation in my mind is that we all believe in something. If we can take away the words, and the suspicion, and the stigma, we all believe the same. If more of us can open our eyes to the wonder that exists, no matter what it is called, perhaps we can learn to love as “god” intended, and embrace our brothers and sisters, and reach our greatest potential.

I love my new job but I dislike working 12-hour days.:smileywhip:

Going under the knife....

Being proud of my college football team even if they lost, they played like hell against florida state

My dad passed away this evening after a long difficult illness, so my thoughts are on him I guess. It's a double edged sword... I'll miss talking with him, but I am happy that he is no longer in pain. Journey well, dad!

On my mind since late last Thursday thru the entire long weekend....I'm anxious for my doctor's office to open tomorrow so I can bug them by a phone call as soon as they open for a followup and a few other questions.

Wishing I was sleeping instead of up on the puter but my back is grumpy,I took my pain pills and a mucle relaxer but i'm still up.

Ive been thinking.....

As grateful as I am for this Asheville experience, being alone in it makes it feel very hollow....