Posting as a member...not as a moderator...

I think the fact that Hunter Green has not returned to stay involved in this particular conversation is telling. I admit that I was suspicious of her intentions which is why I opted not to take the time I know it takes to thoroughly and thoughtfully answer those types of questions.

Unlike some, I do think we owe it to each other to educate others (both in and out of this community). I know some don't like that role, but I don't mind it so much. However, if I don't feel right about where the person is coming from then I ignore the request and go on about my business. I don't think that is hypocritical nor do I think it is rude. My intuition is my rudder, and I owe it to myself to pay attention to it; it keeps me safe.

I've been around a long time, and I feel pretty good about the way I navigate these boards. I don't think I'm an expert nor do I think my way is the best way; I'm also not given to offering unsolicited advice. But if you don't mind me saying it, I recommend not giving people who rub you the wrong way ANY of your energy. If you feel the poster is trying to get a rise out of you, don't give 'em one. That really is the best revenge, in my opinion.

Now I'm not saying HG is guilty of anything here, but I am saying that something about that post didn't feel right to me so I opted to pass it on by. If I was off base.......well......I've been off before. No harm, no foul as far as I'm concerned.

I want to thank all of you for your very honest answers. I would have asked them, perhaps differently; but had some of the same questions myself.

One time, when I first joined the planet, I simply stated that I did not understand self-identified lesbians dating trans individuals because it was out of my frame of reference. I was immediately flamed. It was very, very upsetting to me. I even explained that I was partnered with a butch lesbian for 19 years and all of our friends were lesbians and that I simply had never been exposed to gender concepts. All of you must understand that there have been light-year changes in gender, trans and the lesbian community in almost 20 years of time. We lived a very vanilla life which probably had a part in it too.

It was not a trans or male-identified person that flamed me but I did not want to blunder again and the experience made me afraid to ever even bring up anything about gender again or any questions I may have had. I also would never deliberately hurt anyone's feelings. It is just not me.

I can only speak for myself but I am very appreciative to have gained some knowledge and insight I did not have before. Thank you.

Peace,

Ugh how did I miss this!

I find those questions to have a motive behind them, something just isn't adding up and the fact that Hunter hasn't returned makes me wonder.

Ok guys how do yall feel when someone uses a female pronoun to describe you to someone else?

Annoyed and disrespected but it does depend on who it is. If my grandmother does it, well.. *shrug*.. she's 80+. I cannot imagine how hard it is for her to change her thought process after using the same one for the last 80 years! That said, when colleagues do it, I gently remind them. I've had a few who have forgotten, realized it and apologized profusely (one of my closest colleagues and buddies does this on occasion but he self-corrects pretty quickly and feels really bad when he does his slips).

The question that may be asked is this: is it deliberate or a mistake? If it's a mistake, let it slide a little. If it's deliberate then you need to speak to them about it.

Ditto

(10 character rule)

I am coming across this with some close friends of mine and they do correct themselves at times when I don't say anything right up front, I guess the silence tells them that I am perturbed about it.

I am not sure if its deliberate or by mistake, it is hard to tell sometimes.

I have been nice and gave them a list of terms to educate them but IDK if they even bother to listen to me or not.

How long has it been since you came out? How often do they see you? Keep in mind that you have felt this way your whole life but they were used to what you were before (as far as what they saw and what society thought you were). It make take them time.

I have been out about the last 3 years and the people I am referring to were the first to know, granted my family doesn't know a thing (which is another story in itself). I see them on a regular basis or talk to them on a regular basis as well.

Then the time has come to have a little sit down with them and explain how this is hurting you. That it is important for them to be more proactive about keeping the right pronouns and that it could even jeopardize your safety if said near the wrong "company".

Agreed!

(blick 10 character minimum)

Hey... Can I assume you have not taken any steps toward a medical/physical transition?

And please, please know there is NO judgment in asking that question. And please know it makes no difference to me and most others *here*.

However, if there aren't physical changes for them to *see* then it's most likely a very abstract thing for them so they're really struggling.

Society in general sees who they perceive to be "female" and use she/her, and they see who they perceive to be "male" and use he/him. And that's pretty much all they see and know. It doesn't make it right or good or bad or whatever......it's just the way it is in the mind's eye of most people you will encounter.

Based on my experiences, there's a pretty fine line between those who "slip up" and those who are being shitty. Most of us want to give people the benefit of the doubt. When you don't and you call them out on it, then they can always cop to just making a mistake and then all of a sudden *you* are the jerk. It's a tough road to navigate. :(

If these people are important to you, then just keep at it and give 'em a little more time. If you feel they are deliberately disrespecting you, then I would cut 'em loose.

I am very pre op, trying to get the money for the things I need to take the step in the right direction.

I try to be patient but patience isnt one of my virtues, but hell I am looking for support ya know.

I totally understand, J. I hope you know that. And I hope you know we support you here!!

I was just trying to figure out why this might be so damn challenging for your pals. Like I said, it doesn't excuse it or make it better; but sometimes it helps to think about it at a different level......like what goes on with *most* people with regard to this topic and not just those in our immediate circle.

Like Linus said, a sit-down-heart-to-heart is definitely in order.

Thank you guys for the understanding I am glad to have these threads on the forum.

I am in total agreeance a good heart to heart is in order.

I don't think transpeople are too sensitive when it comes to what people use as gender markers. I think bringing it down to oversensitivity opens us up to that being broadened to: "Well, that's not really transphobic, you're just too sensitive."

I think that the situation you described is one that doesn't occur frequently even if it might on a rare occasion, and so I don't think can constitute an oversensitivity, but the result of a reality. When we hear people are using the incorrect marker (even if, on a very slim chance, we've misheard), it's for a reason. Society does it consistently, and so I could see how even mishearing people can occur because of that consistency (you've come to expect it through experience, which can result on mishearing on a rare occasion).

I've had the "transitioning" discussion with my mom but she has difficulties acknowledging my masculinity. I can sense how uncomfortable she is when people call me sir. I've decided to give her a pass, even when women are hitting on me and she outs me and runs them off. *shaking head*

I have a straight woman that appears to be attracted to me. She does not know I'm trans. She came to my work the other day and asked for Kris the man. Luckily most of my co-workers are understanding and they use male pronouns. I think I'm going to have to talk with all of them. Even the ones that I fear will be ugly about it.

Anyway, I fear that it will scare her quite a bit when and if she discovers that I'm trans. Regardless, I've decided to ask her out as friends. I'm really a little nervous about it because 1.This is uncharted territory for me. 2. I don't pass all the time (I don't want to have that conversation upfront) I think it's important for her to get to know me as a person and a friend before I bust out initiate details about myself.

How have you guys dealt with this?

My best friend is the same way. He gives people dirty looks if they use the wrong pronoun but I explained to him that it doesn't bother me anymore because I have no illusions that I am still in a female body and I know it's not easy for some people. Hell I've even used the wrong pronoun with friends of mine. If someone is trying then I appreciate that but if someone slips then I won't get mad over it.