Femme as I see it is energetic. Just like butchness. I have a friend that looks butch but energetically is all femme. I wish I knew exactly what mechanism describes this but it just is. Sometimes I wear "butchy" clothes depending on my mood, sometimes high femme, but I'm always seen and read as a femme.

Femme as I see it does not equal passive, high maintenance, or being a sexual bottom amongst many other stereotypes. But it can still mean those things on an individual level.

I feel my femme energy for myself comes from an internal relationship to my female identity. I'm in love with the womanly energy and parts of me. They feel right to me. I love enhancing those aspects, playing with them, and celebrating them. I feel so deeply female. This does not shift no matter what I do or do not wear. It translates in my body language, movement, and energy that I share with others.

My identity became obvious to me more concretely in reference to my relationship with the butches in my life. We seem to enhance each others gender identity energetically. They seems to see and enjoy my femme as much as I see and enjoy their butch.

I think unless you fit a stereotypical picture of what the "societal norm" thinks a lesbian looks like, you will be assumed to be straight.

I don't really think of myself as femme so much as I just am who I am. Others call me femme, and if that's what makes them comfortable, then that's fine. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl but I love lip gloss and sometimes I grow my hair out to my butt and then I'll cut it all off and regrow it all back...

I bite my nails but love to paint them over and over... I love barettes and earrings and shiny things like a magpie... but I don't think there was a moment that I said, "Oh I'm a femme"... I've just always been me... lol

I am enjoying reading this thread! Had to jump in...

I dont know if I ever discovered being a femme. I just am if that makes sense? I remember when I first came out I was not familiar with the terms. My two best friends are butches and until now I had no femme friends to be exposed too. I remember asking them what they thought. One of them said "Thats the beauty of our community. You can be whoever or however you want to be. You define you" I had never heard anything more beautiful than that! As time passed, femme just matched who I am inside. It all just fell into place.

If you asked me to define femme I couldnt...
It is so many things.

It is the sway in my step....
The warmth in voice...
The pride in my brow..
The honey in my words...
The passion in each heartbeat...

I am temptress in a corsette...
Sexy in a plain white button up...
Up to no good in a little black dress...
Jean loving on a friday...
Getting dirty when I need to....
Cursing just about everyday...
I AM A FEMME :)

And to all my fellow Femmes, thank you for being the Femmes that you are! I respect our individuality and love that we can stand together as one!

*Besitos*

I knew I was femme when I wouldn't give up my heels and make-up:|

I can relate. I have never referred to myself as a femme. BUT from my first crush to my first relationship to my last, all butches. Not even a soft butch in there.
I came out at 14 and in the 70s, so butch wasn't the flavor of the day and no internet to find each other. I did always manage to find some mechanic, plumber or the like though. Still nothing like a thick motorcycle riding, independent, boot wearing, blue collar butch. Just sexy.

**SWOON** You got that right sister!!

When I first started going to clubs in the late 80's, I encountered en mass flanelette shirts and blunstones (Australian work boots) LOL.... I was even told I was 'in the wrong place love' at women's bars. Well, I was not about to give up my girliness, my make-up, skirts or heels, so I ended up 'in the shadows' so to speak, mostly going to gay bars and drag shows.
When did I first realize I was a femme? Then, and also when I discovered the small b/f scene there was...at 'Pokies' drag show nights LOL

I knew that I was a femme, when my neighbor across the street came over and started talking to me. It was crush at first sight...I love wearing my heels when I have the chance and I love my makeup, perfumes and shoe shopping...I also have my days where I will run around in shorts, t-shirts and sneakers. Just depends on my mood..

Zimmeh

This may sound awful, but...

I realised I was femme when I was 18 and with an abusive partner who didn't want a femme. She was a butch who only dated butches, and after I moved in with her, she started taking away my clothes, my makeup, pressuring me to keep my hair short, getting angry when I hung out with my straight friends... very controlling and nasty, for those and other reasons.

Why was I with her? I was 18 and insecure, of course.

But what I realised was that she was taking away everything that made me feel confident about myself - the way I could express myself physically and not just rely on my manner to speak for who I am. I wanted to present as femme. I didn't feel pretty, confident, attractive or even presentable because, let's face it, I made a pretty crappy butch. :)

She was just into appearances, she was heterophobic and wanted her girlfriend to be "visibly queer". As it was, she kicked me out at 3am one day and moved her new butch girlfriend in 12 hours later. I started rebuilding myself and reclaiming who I was a short time later, and happily I've never had to look back. :)

I have always been very feminine, but the first time I realized I was femme? Spending time at work with the first Butch I had ever met. ( ok I was sheltered when it came to gay life) I went from perplexed to all twitchy and nervous every time I saw her. Started planning my outfits for work more carefully.

I knew at that time that I was attracted to women but I had never given it much thought. Then I did some online investigating and found out what a strap on was. The birds sang, and the sun rose a little bit brighter. I was like yeah, the best of both worlds, I can do this. *blink* Then every time I saw her I found my self going hmmm, I wonder if she......... That only made me more nervous. LOL. Looking back, yeah I think she does.

I have only been out in the Butch-Femme community. You want a good laugh? Put me in a room full of Lesbians and watch what happens when I "girl" flirts with me. You would think I was a teenager who had never been kissed..... CRAZY.

I was in a bookstore in Provincetown, Mass...I was maybe 17 yrs old...I saw a book on a shelf called The Swashbuckler (by Lee Lynch)..on the cover was a woman wearing a black leather jacket, white tee, faded blue jeans and slicked back hair... leaning against a wall. I was instantly drawn..I opened the book to a random page. My eyes fell upon the words: Frenchy had Mercedes against the wall..she slid her hand into Mercedes panties and felt the wetness against the back of her knuckles..."....THAT WAS IT !! I was ABSOLUTELY FEMME !

I had an ex (long long ago) who initially dated me as I was femme and 'prettier' than her ex-bf's new girlfriend, then began to resent the male attention I got. Rather than being angry at them, she instead started trying to change the way I looked! (Bear in mind I was 100% out gay through all of this).

I always wondered how she got on in her next relationship, with a girl who was not only femme, tall and thin, but also blessed with model looks.

I came out in the late '90's when I was 16, and living in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH. I didn't really have any real life dyke role models, so must of what I read about queer culture came from the internet. What I read generally regarded butch-femme as an archaic thing that no one really did anymore, and it seemed most dykes dressed in a crunchy, granola kind of way. So that was how I started dressing myself so I would "read gay.". Even so, my friends still made jokes about how "girly" I was- you can't get rid of your natural energy, I guess.

Femme hit me when I was 18. I moved away from that town and went to a liberal arts college that attracted a lot of kids from the SF Bay Area. They knew butch-femme wasn't dead. There was this one girl in particular that caught everyone's eye. She was gorgeous and feminine and everyone wanted her- not me, I wanted to BE her.

Her and I got along quite well, and one night we were hanging out in her dorm room and she told me that there was a whole community of girly dykes out there, and anyone who told you that you were too feminine to be queer was clearly an idiot, so dress however you like.

I reverted back to the dorky kid who watched too many old movies as kid, and started hunting down vintage dresses, cute heels, back-seam stockings. Except I wasn't a kid anymore.

I met my first butch around this time, who loved and embraced my femininity, and who managed to turn me into a giggly mess in a way that no one else had. I knew this was for me.

I've only ever been in b/f relationships but I didn't realize that was unique until my second relationship.

The story:

When I was in college my very butch partner Lauren and I found ourselves at a house party in Santa Cruz. Of course I was wearing an embroidered blue skirt with vintage peep toe heels, a blouse and a cardigan and she was wearing black pinstripe pants, dress shirt, shiny loafers and her fedora. We ran into a friend of mine from high school who was wearing a little black dress, her butch partner was wearing a dress shirt, slacks and a tie.

I remember standing there talking with this lovely couple and then looking around the dirty living room filled with genderqueer boi dykes drinking PBR and wrestling with each other in their cutoff denim shorts, ironic trucker hats and handkerchiefs around their necks and realizing, oh.

We're the weird ones.

:blink:

i love this thread & i did reply to it somewhere a page or two back, but i've been reading through some of the posts this evening & it's interesting to see that femme is not always the same thing from one girl to the next. i like this discovering of definition each femme identifies with. it really is a lovely garden isn't it?

I knew I was femme, I was ME, when Bard told me I was beautiful with bed head, rumpled clothing and smeared mascara. Hy tells me every day, and for once, I can believe it :bunchflowers: