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I know there are transmen who do not like to hear the term "bio-male" to refer to someone......oh, someone like my brother.......but it's always been a natural default for me, and it makes clinical sense......*to me*. I certainly never mean to offend anyone. I also recognize that it's virtually impossible not to offend *someone* when navigating these waters. I think if people are genuine, thoughtful, and honest we should cut 'em a little slack and *respectfully* explain why something may be offensive or hurtful. Respect is the key. A little compassion, patience, and understanding come in handy too. |
Linus and Greyson, thank you both very much!
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If it is, then I can finally understand the knee-jerk reaction some Transmen have had to the idea of staying in the community, and the insistence some Transmen have had on being with straight women rather than Femmes. It never made sense to me and I felt really hurt by the overwhelming way some guys rejected not just the community but also Transensual Femmes. I never understood why the person who most wanted to support a guy would be the person he rejected... but if a Femme's very presence is enough to make strangers everywhere "un-see" a Transman's truth, it becomes clear why so many guys shy away. Am I on the right track here? Or am I way out in left field? I'm telling you, I have been SO TEMPTED to turn to these people in shock and say--as politely as I can, to educate not to blast--"why are you calling him a lady? We would prefer it if you said 'you guys' or 'you folks' please." I refrain because it isn't my battle to fight, and I wouldn't do that to a guy without permission. ...........but omg I cringe, I cringe, I cringe..... |
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I don't think it's a regional thing at all. From *my* experiences, I was not perceived as male when I was out-n-about because I was read as female. It didn't matter if it was out west, on the east coast, down in Texas, or up in Minnesota. I had top surgery 16 months prior to starting T. During that time, I very often was sir'd upon initial contact........and then I spoke. Prior to that, I bound my chest. If someone picked up on that fact, then they didn't even need my voice to "clue them in". It didn't matter how I dressed, carried myself, or wore my hair. They read me as female, so I was "ma'am" and "lady". And what really sucked is that I don't recall thinking that anyone was *ever* being disrespectful. Quite the opposite, actually. For me, these were my experiences whether or not I was alone, with family, with guys, or with femmes. It just didn't matter. So I don't know that *that* would be the reason a transman would opt out of the company of other queers and/or femmes. Just my opinion, of course... Respectfully, Thinker |
I'd like to know what your families thought; how they responded to your changes.
Anyone is welcome to answer this. |
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My grandmother, being a nurse, was concerned about the medical side of things but when I let them know about the regular lab work and doctor's visits they were more supportive. Out of the blue, my grandmother started using "Linus" rather than my birthname during our online Scrabble games. I guess she's starting to come around. I suspect she still doesn't understand or like it but still loves me and just wants me happy. I don't see my family that often (maybe 1-2 a year, if that). My father and his wife... well, they've never really been supportive and he wasn't in my view of life until I was in my late teens (largely due to court orders and not necessarily something he choose). But his conservative Christian background, I'm sure, tells him not to agree to my path. He has said that as long as I'm happy that's all that matters. Again, I don't see him or hear from him that often. I have a cousin on that side of the family that I occasionally hear from and her mother, my aunt/father's sister, does reach out now and again to me. Transitioning as an adult, I think, can be somewhat easier because you are living your own life and making your own decisions. |
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I have a large number of siblings and loads of nieces and nephews, etc... While I know in my heart of hearts that many of them had certain feelings of not understanding, all have shown (at least to *me*) acceptance and love. I have not shared real-time space with my family since I started T (mostly because I'm not real big on flying), but I share photos. Not much is said; the few comments I've heard are mostly along the lines of "you look really good". I know it's hard for them and that they struggle with just how to celebrate/acknowledge/question the physical changes. They're loving and respectful, and I appreciate that. |
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On the other hand, my aunt was way cool about me telling her I was transgendered. But to physically change is another matter entirely. My mother is dead and my dad is really aging. My entire extended family knows I'm gay, and there are many of them. I came out to my best friends and the idea of being male didn't surprise them at all. I don't need top surgery other than keyhole. I've never had to bind or anything like that, and I'm grateful. I think its going to be imperative to join support groups as well as therapy. I still want to leave the question open here on the thread as well as, does your work know? |
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My work knows and has been extremely supportive. In fact, I was surprised that even the most ardent born-again Christian was. He was very respectful (I suspect he may not fully understand the whys) and we, when meeting up, still have our discussions about the Bible and such. I know I'm extremely lucky to be in a work environment that is so supportive. Even some of my clients know and are very supportive. Their support comes from me doing an excellent job, regardless of my personal life. (which is how it's supposed to be, no?) |
Thank you, Thinker!
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Thank you for your input on the whole "with or without a Femme" question. I think the voice issue plagues many Transmen until the T lowers their voices or gives them facial hair, one or the other... but I do have a friend who is talking about going to a vocal coach and I think that might be a good way to handle the voice issue as well. |
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My entire career prior to my transition (fresh out of college and for the next 21 years) was in K-12 public education. When I decided to move forward with my transition, I was out of the schools and working in central office. There wasn't one ounce of my being that believed I would be able to announce my transition and carry it out in that position (even though I wasn't physically in a school at that time). I was a top-notch employee, so maybe it would not have been an issue. I don't know. I do know that the school system I was in did not protect individuals on the basis of gender identity (or sexual orientation, for that matter), and I had a sickening feeling that they would find some way to either get rid of me or push me out. Disgusting, I know; but it was a feeling I just couldn't shake. So my lady and I made other plans for me and for 'us', and that is the life we are living now. |
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cath... as I answered you while there (but am posting for posterity) It does happen more when I am around females, whether Femmes or even my lil sister. I do not feel as though they are trying to be disrespectful it is quite the contrary. Perhaps it has something to do with them wanting to recognize what they perceive as queer and want *me* to know that they *see* me for my *queer* self and are totally ok with it, *ladies* (wink and smile). While this motis operandi causes me no end of internal turmoil, I do not see any disrespect or venom in it. It does not happen as often when I am alone, but I believe I carry myself differently when alone, there is much more 'matter of fact' and 'stay back' than when I am with friends. The vocal issue is also ever present as is the lack of facial hair. My baby face never helps matters. :S I am convinced that with reconstruction I will have a much better pass rate and I utterly refuse to blame the issue on such a sweet girl as you. :D |
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I believe T will probably masculinize your face and voice enough so that people will see you as a man with or without surgery--yes, I know, surgery is vitally important! ;) But I think it's the T which will make the most changes. For me, there seems to be a link between Femme Invisibility and Transman Invisibility... but that might be that I am too close to the situation to see it clearly, I don't know. What I do know is how startling it is when people go out of their way to be accepting of a Transman as a Queer Butch... cuz yanno, it just has NOT been that long ago that people were practically spitting on the ground whenever Queer Butches walked by. If ever there were a flag flying to point out the shift in the cultural wind of this society, I think this one might be it! I still cringe inside, though. *sheepish smile* |
Like I said, I've never had voice issues i.e. calling Adobe for tech support yesterday and today and both times they called me "sir" or "Parker, sir" the whole time.....of course I just grinned.
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I agree, it was not that long ago that it was common place to endure some asshats diatribe on gender expression on a daily basis. *winds of change* they are ever blowing, gale-force winds these days. I cringe inside too hon, I am amazed it doesn't show on the outside. I am thankfull for one specific aspect of the changing climate re: butches.. I do not feel comfortable yet in using mensrooms.. less and less I have encountered the 'looks' or hasty 'clutching of children' by fellow restroom goers as I used to.. so either people are getting used to it, OR I'm avoiding public restrooms more than I used to (both are distinct possibilities) |
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Fast forward to today...I'm going to find support groups in Atlanta which i think would be helpful and I already have my doc. I don't require top surgery or binding or anything, just the hormone therapy. Working on therapist now and insurance issues etc. |
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On a seperate note, I think I am gonna have to seek a doc in Wichita. I had tried to contact a local doc via e-mail that I know, like, and respect... after a month and no reply I am gonna strike out in a larger talent pool. |
hoping not to offend, this is tricky stuff
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I do think some transmen choose not to partner with femmes because of how they'll be "read" by the public, but the reasons are varied and often go deeper than simply being "un-seen," afterall it would be difficult to "un-see" many transmen (as opposed to someone like me, who is often sir'ed, frequently not, and can be un-seen without much difficulty). So I offer up a few of my observations, none of which I think suggest intentional rejection (or rejection from a place of cruelty) of those who would offer the most support.
Again, I'm just throwing out somethings I've encountered, nothing definitive here. I would like very much to hear what other transfolk (I've been elsewhere roasted for using that term, but whatevs, I'm using it) have experienced or feel with regard to Bit's questions (which I feel ARE on track). |
If you're a man, why are you trying to date lesbians?!"
I don't partner with women who think they are... or are lesbians. There's that gray part... "transensual" women...attracted to male energy looks, physique, whatever but cannot/or prefers not to be with bio men for whatever reason. And they aren't attracted to women or the idea of being with another woman as a lesbian. (That's how transensual has been explained to me.) A transensual is attractive to me being male as I am; I've never been a lesbian in the classic sense and never could be. Transitioning falls in place being attracted certain types of women, as I am, and having them to reciprocate... among other things.What I have wondered is why a couple who passes as a man and woman continue to stay in this lifestyle instead the straight lifestyle. |
First, I want to be clear that I respect the intent of this thread and am reading it quietly in order to learn more about my community. I do not mean to derail the discussion or the intended subject except that there is a concept being brought up here I think needs a small mention.
I'll use myself to illustrate. I am a lesbian. Specifically a queer lesbian. I am currently partnered to a transperson. His identity does not affect or alter mine. It never caused me to draw into question my sexual orientation or otherwise. Being with him has helped me to see more clearly the scope of my desire. Intellectually, emotionally, physically. That scope is quite large. Based solely on gender identity or sex, I cannot tell you with whom I would *not* choose to be. The very idea now seems ludicrous. I can only tell you that, in the main, I am drawn to a given set. So for me to read that others would exclude me, based on how I identify the main of my sexual orientation is confusing to me. It's the struggle of the bisexual. Because she is capable of being attracted to either sex (provided we are buying the binary here), does that mean she cannot choose? And because of these foundless suspicions against her, she will forever be overlooked. I am a lesbian. My boyfriend is not. -- Back to Transpeople. |
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